Fruitcakes
You can always tell the Christmas season is here when you start getting incredibly dense, tinfoil-and-ribbon-wrapped lumps in the mail. Fruitcakes make ideal gifts because the Postal Service has been unable to find a way to damage them. They last forever, largely because nobody ever eats them." — Dave Barry, "Simple, Homespun Gifts"
Christmas Musings
We had cured ham for Christmas dinner. We all wondered what illness it was cured of.
From Andy Rooney...
"You know those shows where people can call in and vote on different issues? Did you ever notice there's always like 18 percent that say 'I don't know'? It costs 90 cents to call up and vote — and they're voting 'I don't know.' 'Honey, I feel very strongly about this. Give me the phone.' (Into phone) 'I DON'T KNOW!' (Hangs up, looking proud.) Sometimes you just have to stand up for what you believe you're not sure about."
See?
One afternoon I was walking on a trail with my baby daughter, chatting to her about the scenery. When a man and his dog approached, I leaned down to the carriage and said, "See the doggy?" Suddenly I felt foolish talking to my baby as if she understood me. However, just as the man passed, he reached down, patted his dog, and said, "See the baby?"
He Has It Covered
Over breakfast, a woman said to her husband, "I'll bet you don't know what day this is." "Of course I do," he answered, as if offended, and left for the office. At 10:00 a.m., a dozen red roses arrived at the house. At 1:00 p.m., a two-pound box of chocolates was delivered. The designer dress arrived at 3:00. When her husband came home, the woman ran to meet him and threw her arms around his neck, "I've never had a more wonderful 'First Day of Autumn' in my life!"
The Non-argument
Sal: "You get along so well with just everybody. How do you do it?"
Nat: "It's easy: I never disagree with anyone, no matter what."
Sal: "Oh, that's impossible!"
Nat: "You're absolutely right."
Point To Ponder
I am a Nobody. Nobody is perfect. Therefore I am perfect.
Winter Migration
We purchased an old home in northern New York State from two elderly sisters. Winter was fast approaching, and I was concerned about the house's lack of insulation. "If they could live here all those years, so can we!" my husband confidently declared. One November night the temperature plunged to below zero, and we woke up to find interior walls covered with frost. My husband called the sisters to ask how they had kept the house warm. After a brief conversation, he hung up. "For the past 30 years," he muttered, "they've gone to Florida for the winter."
Millions of Years Ago
Overheard at the dinosaur exhibit in Disney's Animal Kingdom park: a confused woman complaining to her friend, "How could they possibly know the names of all those dinosaurs if they died 75 million years ago? And another thing, how do we even know they were called dinosaurs?"
Family trees
A little girl asked her mother, “How did the human race appear?’ The mother answered, ‘God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so was all mankind made.”
Two days later the girl asked her father the same question. The father answered, “Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.”
The confused girl returned to her mother and said, “Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?”
The mother answered, “Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his.”
This Just In...
"Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest."
Genes
They've just found a gene for shyness. They would have found it earlier, but it was hiding behind a couple of other genes.
The secret to ice fishing
A man and a boy have been sitting out on a lake all day long ice fishing. The man has been having no luck at all while the boy has been pulling fish after fish out of his hole in the ice. The man finally leans over and asks the kid what his secret is. “mmmmm mmm mm mmm mmmm mmm mmm,” is the reply. “I’m sorry, what did you say?” “mmmmm mmm mm mmm mmmm mmm mmm,” the kid repeats. “I’m sorry, I still didn’t understand you.” The boy spits something into his hand and says very clearly, “You’ve got to keep your worms warm!”
Friday, December 31, 2010
Friday, December 24, 2010
Friday's Funnies
Silent Night?
Little Johnny ran up to his uncle's chair. "Uncle, tell me again - what do you want for Christmas?" The uncle smiled and repeated, "I just want some peace and quiet." Johnny's face drooped a bit as he replied, "I know, but I just came back from the mall and they're all out of it!"
Guess What
Three-year-old Elizabeth was helping her mother Melinda wrap a present for her father. While wrapping, Melinda told Elizabeth about keeping the present a secret so it would be a surprise. After the present was wrapped, Elizabeth proudly put it under the tree. When her father asked her if he could shake it and guess what's inside, she said, "No, T-shirts don't rattle."
On Second Thought
A few days after Christmas, my six-year-old son and I were talking. He asked, "Mom, is there a Santa Claus?" "Well, what do you think?" I asked him. He replied, "Well, my Playstation that I got from you and my gift from Santa were wrapped in the same kind of wrapping paper." He thought for a minute and said, "I'll tell you what ... you and Dad can go on buying me presents and let's just forget we ever had this talk!"
Southern Wise Men
In a small Southern town there was a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered me. The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets. Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left. At a "Quik Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You Yankees never do read the Bible!" I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible. She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said "See, it says right here, 'The three wise man came from afar.'"
Tree Search
Two backwoodsmen went deep into the frozen woods searching for a Christmas tree. After hours of subzero temperatures and a few close calls with hungry wolves, one turned to the other and said, "I'm chopping down the next tree I see. I don't care whether it's decorated or not!"
Christmas Cookies
A calorie-conscious woman drove past a bakery and saw some gorgeous Christmas cookies. She decided to pray about it: "Lord, if you want me to have some of those delicious cookies, let me have a parking place directly in front of the bakery." And sure enough, the eighth time around the block, there it was!
Elf Jokes
• How many elves does it take to change a light bulb? Ten! One to change the light bulb and nine to stand on each other's shoulders!
• Why did Santa's helper see the doctor? Because he had a low elf-esteem!
• Why did the elf put his bed into the fireplace? He wanted to sleep like a log!
• What's the first thing elves learn in school? The "elf"-abet!
• Who sings "Blue Christmas" and makes toy guitars? Elfis!
• How do elves greet each other? "Small world, isn't it?"
Disclaimer: We do not in any way mean to demean, diminish or discriminate against elves, and we humbly apologize to any elves who may have been offended by the above.
Christmas Cookie Rules
1. If you eat a Christmas cookie fresh out of the oven, it has no calories because everyone knows that the first cookie is the test and thus calorie free.
2. If you drink a diet soda after eating your second cookie, it also has no calories because the diet soda cancels out the cookie calories.
3. If a friend comes over while you're making your Christmas cookies and needs to sample, you must sample with your friend. Because your friend's first cookie is calorie free, (rule #1) yours is also. It would be rude to let your friend sample alone and, being the friend that you are, that makes your cookie calorie free.
4. Any cookie calories consumed while walking around will fall to your feet and eventually fall off as you move. This is due to gravity and the density of the caloric mass.
5. Any calories consumed during the frosting of the Christmas cookies will be used up because it takes many calories to lick excess frosting from a knife without cutting your tongue.
6. Cookies colored red or green have very few calories. Red ones have three and green ones have five - one calorie for each letter. Make more red ones!
7. Cookies eaten while watching "Miracle on 34th Street" have no calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel.
8. As always, cookie pieces contain no calories because the process of breaking causes calorie leakage.
9. Any cookies consumed from someone else's plate have no calories since the calories Rightfully belong to the other person and will cling to their plate. We all know how calories like to CLING!
10. Any cookies consumed while feeling stressed have no calories because cookies used for medicinal purposes NEVER have calories. It's a rule!
So, go out and enjoy those Christmas Cookies - we only get them this time of year!
The Christmas Train
While working as a mall Santa, I had many children ask for electric trains. "If you get a train," I would tell each one, "you know your brother Mike is going to want to play with it too. Is that okay?" The usual answer was a quick yes. But after I asked Donnie this question, he became very quiet. Trying to move the conversation along, I asked what else he would like Santa to bring him. He promptly replied, "Another train."
A Politically Correct Greeting
To All My Liberal Friends:
Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low-stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasion and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all. I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2011, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great. Not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country nor the only America in the Western Hemisphere . Also, this wish is made without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability or religious faith of the wishee.
To My Conservative Friends:
Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!
Little Johnny ran up to his uncle's chair. "Uncle, tell me again - what do you want for Christmas?" The uncle smiled and repeated, "I just want some peace and quiet." Johnny's face drooped a bit as he replied, "I know, but I just came back from the mall and they're all out of it!"
Guess What
Three-year-old Elizabeth was helping her mother Melinda wrap a present for her father. While wrapping, Melinda told Elizabeth about keeping the present a secret so it would be a surprise. After the present was wrapped, Elizabeth proudly put it under the tree. When her father asked her if he could shake it and guess what's inside, she said, "No, T-shirts don't rattle."
On Second Thought
A few days after Christmas, my six-year-old son and I were talking. He asked, "Mom, is there a Santa Claus?" "Well, what do you think?" I asked him. He replied, "Well, my Playstation that I got from you and my gift from Santa were wrapped in the same kind of wrapping paper." He thought for a minute and said, "I'll tell you what ... you and Dad can go on buying me presents and let's just forget we ever had this talk!"
Southern Wise Men
In a small Southern town there was a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered me. The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets. Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left. At a "Quik Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You Yankees never do read the Bible!" I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible. She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said "See, it says right here, 'The three wise man came from afar.'"
Tree Search
Two backwoodsmen went deep into the frozen woods searching for a Christmas tree. After hours of subzero temperatures and a few close calls with hungry wolves, one turned to the other and said, "I'm chopping down the next tree I see. I don't care whether it's decorated or not!"
Christmas Cookies
A calorie-conscious woman drove past a bakery and saw some gorgeous Christmas cookies. She decided to pray about it: "Lord, if you want me to have some of those delicious cookies, let me have a parking place directly in front of the bakery." And sure enough, the eighth time around the block, there it was!
Elf Jokes
• How many elves does it take to change a light bulb? Ten! One to change the light bulb and nine to stand on each other's shoulders!
• Why did Santa's helper see the doctor? Because he had a low elf-esteem!
• Why did the elf put his bed into the fireplace? He wanted to sleep like a log!
• What's the first thing elves learn in school? The "elf"-abet!
• Who sings "Blue Christmas" and makes toy guitars? Elfis!
• How do elves greet each other? "Small world, isn't it?"
Disclaimer: We do not in any way mean to demean, diminish or discriminate against elves, and we humbly apologize to any elves who may have been offended by the above.
Christmas Cookie Rules
1. If you eat a Christmas cookie fresh out of the oven, it has no calories because everyone knows that the first cookie is the test and thus calorie free.
2. If you drink a diet soda after eating your second cookie, it also has no calories because the diet soda cancels out the cookie calories.
3. If a friend comes over while you're making your Christmas cookies and needs to sample, you must sample with your friend. Because your friend's first cookie is calorie free, (rule #1) yours is also. It would be rude to let your friend sample alone and, being the friend that you are, that makes your cookie calorie free.
4. Any cookie calories consumed while walking around will fall to your feet and eventually fall off as you move. This is due to gravity and the density of the caloric mass.
5. Any calories consumed during the frosting of the Christmas cookies will be used up because it takes many calories to lick excess frosting from a knife without cutting your tongue.
6. Cookies colored red or green have very few calories. Red ones have three and green ones have five - one calorie for each letter. Make more red ones!
7. Cookies eaten while watching "Miracle on 34th Street" have no calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel.
8. As always, cookie pieces contain no calories because the process of breaking causes calorie leakage.
9. Any cookies consumed from someone else's plate have no calories since the calories Rightfully belong to the other person and will cling to their plate. We all know how calories like to CLING!
10. Any cookies consumed while feeling stressed have no calories because cookies used for medicinal purposes NEVER have calories. It's a rule!
So, go out and enjoy those Christmas Cookies - we only get them this time of year!
The Christmas Train
While working as a mall Santa, I had many children ask for electric trains. "If you get a train," I would tell each one, "you know your brother Mike is going to want to play with it too. Is that okay?" The usual answer was a quick yes. But after I asked Donnie this question, he became very quiet. Trying to move the conversation along, I asked what else he would like Santa to bring him. He promptly replied, "Another train."
A Politically Correct Greeting
To All My Liberal Friends:
Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low-stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasion and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all. I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2011, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great. Not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country nor the only America in the Western Hemisphere . Also, this wish is made without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability or religious faith of the wishee.
To My Conservative Friends:
Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!
Friday, December 10, 2010
Friday's Funnies
Singing By Request
Alfie had been listening to his sister practicing her singing. "Sis," he said, "I wish you'd sing Christmas carols." "That's nice of you, Alfie," she said. "Why?" "Then I'd only have to hear you once a year!"
Famous Last Words
• Well, we're the next best thing to a bank.
• It's OK to format this disk.
• I bet I can fit in there.
• Just tell them you're a friend of mine.
• Hey ya'll, watch this!
• No, honey, I'm sure I locked the door!
• Here goes nothing!
• Ha, that's just a story they made up to scare the kids.
• I'm all right; it's just a minor cut.
• Last one, I promise.
Sight Unseen
An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
How to Bathe the Cat
• Thoroughly clean the toilet.
• Lift both lids and add shampoo.
• Find and soothe cat as you carry him/her to the bathroom.
• In one swift move, place cat in toilet, close both lids, and stand on top so cat cannot escape.
• The cat will self agitate and produce ample suds (ignore ruckus from inside toilet; cat is actually enjoying this).
• Flush toilet 3 or 4 times. This provides power rinse, which is quite effective.
• Have someone open outside door; stand as far from toilet as possible, and quickly lift both lids.
• Clean cat will rocket out of the toilet and go outdoors where its hair will self-dry.
— Sincerely, The Dog
Deer Hunting
A doctor, a lawyer and a Southern Baptist preacher from Oklahoma went deer hunting.
They hunted all day and had no luck. But when they got back to their vehicle, they saw a magnificent buck emerge from the woods. This was at least a 12-point buck. He was huge!
They all raised their rifles and fired at the same time. The deer went down. An argument ensued as to who was the lucky person that had dropped the buck. About that time, the game warden drove up. He said he had heard them arguing and asked what it was about. They told him it was about who had shot the buck.
After checking all their licenses to make sure they were hunting legally, he stated he would go look and see who shot the buck. They asked him how he was going to find out. He told them to just wait…
When he came back, he congratulated the preacher on his fine kill. When the other two pressed the game warden as to how he knew the preacher killed the buck, he replied that if the lawyer had killed it, he would have shot it in the rear. If the doctor had killed it he would have shot it in the heart. Since the bullet went in one ear and out the other, there was no doubt that the preacher was the one who shot it…
Lots of Love
"I'll miss you, Great-Grandma," wrote my mother's great-grandson in an e-mail he sent before shipping out to Iraq.
"I'll miss you too, dear," she responded. "Stay safe. LOL, Great-Grandma."
Poor Mom didn't realize that LOL doesn't stand for "lots of love."
Dinosaur bones
Some tourists in the Chicago Museum of Natural History are marveling at the dinosaur bones. One of them asks the guard, “Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?”
The guard replies, “They are 3 million, four years, and six months old.”
“That’s an awfully exact number,” says the tourist. “How do you know their age so precisely?”
The guard answers, “Well, the dinosaur bones were three million years old when I started working here, and that was four and a half years ago.”
Tree problem
Last October my wife bought a magnolia tree from the local nursery, but after only a few weeks the leaves shriveled. It appeared to be on its last legs. My wife took some leaf samples and marched into the nursery to demand an explanation.
“I know exactly what’s wrong with your magnolia,” said the manager.
“Good,” said my wife. “What’s it suffering from?”
“Autumn,” he replied.
Women and Sports
The reason women don't play football is that 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
Alfie had been listening to his sister practicing her singing. "Sis," he said, "I wish you'd sing Christmas carols." "That's nice of you, Alfie," she said. "Why?" "Then I'd only have to hear you once a year!"
Famous Last Words
• Well, we're the next best thing to a bank.
• It's OK to format this disk.
• I bet I can fit in there.
• Just tell them you're a friend of mine.
• Hey ya'll, watch this!
• No, honey, I'm sure I locked the door!
• Here goes nothing!
• Ha, that's just a story they made up to scare the kids.
• I'm all right; it's just a minor cut.
• Last one, I promise.
Sight Unseen
An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
How to Bathe the Cat
• Thoroughly clean the toilet.
• Lift both lids and add shampoo.
• Find and soothe cat as you carry him/her to the bathroom.
• In one swift move, place cat in toilet, close both lids, and stand on top so cat cannot escape.
• The cat will self agitate and produce ample suds (ignore ruckus from inside toilet; cat is actually enjoying this).
• Flush toilet 3 or 4 times. This provides power rinse, which is quite effective.
• Have someone open outside door; stand as far from toilet as possible, and quickly lift both lids.
• Clean cat will rocket out of the toilet and go outdoors where its hair will self-dry.
— Sincerely, The Dog
Deer Hunting
A doctor, a lawyer and a Southern Baptist preacher from Oklahoma went deer hunting.
They hunted all day and had no luck. But when they got back to their vehicle, they saw a magnificent buck emerge from the woods. This was at least a 12-point buck. He was huge!
They all raised their rifles and fired at the same time. The deer went down. An argument ensued as to who was the lucky person that had dropped the buck. About that time, the game warden drove up. He said he had heard them arguing and asked what it was about. They told him it was about who had shot the buck.
After checking all their licenses to make sure they were hunting legally, he stated he would go look and see who shot the buck. They asked him how he was going to find out. He told them to just wait…
When he came back, he congratulated the preacher on his fine kill. When the other two pressed the game warden as to how he knew the preacher killed the buck, he replied that if the lawyer had killed it, he would have shot it in the rear. If the doctor had killed it he would have shot it in the heart. Since the bullet went in one ear and out the other, there was no doubt that the preacher was the one who shot it…
Lots of Love
"I'll miss you, Great-Grandma," wrote my mother's great-grandson in an e-mail he sent before shipping out to Iraq.
"I'll miss you too, dear," she responded. "Stay safe. LOL, Great-Grandma."
Poor Mom didn't realize that LOL doesn't stand for "lots of love."
Dinosaur bones
Some tourists in the Chicago Museum of Natural History are marveling at the dinosaur bones. One of them asks the guard, “Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?”
The guard replies, “They are 3 million, four years, and six months old.”
“That’s an awfully exact number,” says the tourist. “How do you know their age so precisely?”
The guard answers, “Well, the dinosaur bones were three million years old when I started working here, and that was four and a half years ago.”
Tree problem
Last October my wife bought a magnolia tree from the local nursery, but after only a few weeks the leaves shriveled. It appeared to be on its last legs. My wife took some leaf samples and marched into the nursery to demand an explanation.
“I know exactly what’s wrong with your magnolia,” said the manager.
“Good,” said my wife. “What’s it suffering from?”
“Autumn,” he replied.
Women and Sports
The reason women don't play football is that 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
Friday, December 3, 2010
Friday's Funnies
Post-Thanksgiving
Did you hear the one about the man who ate so much over the holidays that he decided to quit cold turkey?
Sweet
A little boy asked his dad for a dollar to give to a little old lady in the park. His father, impressed by his son's kindness, gave him the dollar. "There you are my son," said the father. "But, tell me, isn't the little lady able to work any more?” The boy replied, "She sells candy."
Great Truths that Adults Have Learned
• Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
• Wrinkles don't hurt.
• Families are like fudge -- mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
• Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
• Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
• Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
• Medical Intervention
• "Doctor, you've got to help me - I just can't stop my hands from shaking!" "Do you drink a lot of coffee?" "Not really - I spill most of it!"
Here's His Chance
A retired pastor and his wife were having a dinner party to which they invited many people they had known over the years. His wife said, "Why don't you stand at the door and call the guests' names as they arrive?" "Great idea," said the retiree. "I've been wanting to do that for years."
Gallagher's Obituary
Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend Finney. "Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!" "Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are you callin' from?"
The College Exam
The professor of a graduate-school class included a huge amount of material on the midterm exam. As tension in the room built, people were sighing and gasping aloud. The following week the professor tossed the graded papers on her desk and announced, "Class, after I left here last week, the Lord spoke to me. He said, 'Thanks, professor. I haven't heard from some of those people in years!'"
The Eye Exam
I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. "Now your left." Again, a flawless read. "Now both," I requested. There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.
Computer Gender
A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'
'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'
A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.
The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2 The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because:
1. They'll do whatever you say, if you push the right buttons;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
The women won.
On Retirement Time
Retirement is the best thing that has happened to my brother-in-law. "I never know what day of the week it is," he gloated. "All I know is, the day the big paper comes, I have to dress up and go to church."
One Liners
- I can’t cook. I use a smoke alarm as a timer.
- My friend is a procrastinator. He’s afraid of Saturday the 14th.
Did you hear the one about the man who ate so much over the holidays that he decided to quit cold turkey?
Sweet
A little boy asked his dad for a dollar to give to a little old lady in the park. His father, impressed by his son's kindness, gave him the dollar. "There you are my son," said the father. "But, tell me, isn't the little lady able to work any more?” The boy replied, "She sells candy."
Great Truths that Adults Have Learned
• Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
• Wrinkles don't hurt.
• Families are like fudge -- mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
• Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
• Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
• Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
• Medical Intervention
• "Doctor, you've got to help me - I just can't stop my hands from shaking!" "Do you drink a lot of coffee?" "Not really - I spill most of it!"
Here's His Chance
A retired pastor and his wife were having a dinner party to which they invited many people they had known over the years. His wife said, "Why don't you stand at the door and call the guests' names as they arrive?" "Great idea," said the retiree. "I've been wanting to do that for years."
Gallagher's Obituary
Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend Finney. "Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!" "Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are you callin' from?"
The College Exam
The professor of a graduate-school class included a huge amount of material on the midterm exam. As tension in the room built, people were sighing and gasping aloud. The following week the professor tossed the graded papers on her desk and announced, "Class, after I left here last week, the Lord spoke to me. He said, 'Thanks, professor. I haven't heard from some of those people in years!'"
The Eye Exam
I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. "Now your left." Again, a flawless read. "Now both," I requested. There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.
Computer Gender
A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'
'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'
A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.
The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2 The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because:
1. They'll do whatever you say, if you push the right buttons;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
The women won.
On Retirement Time
Retirement is the best thing that has happened to my brother-in-law. "I never know what day of the week it is," he gloated. "All I know is, the day the big paper comes, I have to dress up and go to church."
One Liners
- I can’t cook. I use a smoke alarm as a timer.
- My friend is a procrastinator. He’s afraid of Saturday the 14th.
Friday, November 26, 2010
Friday's Funnies
Black Friday
You know you're American when you line up at 3am on Black Friday so that you can save $5 at Walmart!
Thanksgiving Shorts
• What did the turkey say before it was roasted? Boy, I'm stuffed!
• Why did the police arrest the turkey? They suspected it of foul play!
• Which side of the turkey has the most feathers? The outside!
• Can a turkey jump higher than the Empire State Building? Yes. A building can't jump at all!
• If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims!
• What type of music did the Pilgrims like? Plymouth Rock!
• Why did the turkey cross the road? It was the chicken's day off!
• What key has legs and can't open doors? A turkey!
• What's the best thing to put into pumpkin pie? Your teeth!
Fall Harvest
A farmer and the hired hand he had recently brought on to help with the harvest were having a fine, full breakfast one day at the height of crop-gathering. They were both busily gulping down coffee, eggs, biscuits, gravy, and all the bacon they could eat. Thinking of all the work they had to do that day, the farmer remarked, "You know, this is probably going to be our lunch, too." The hired hand just nodded, refilled his plate, and continued eating. A short time later, the farmer says offhandedly, "We've got so much work to do today, this may well have to be our supper, too." The hired man grunts his understanding, takes a last few bites, then pushes back from the table, loosens his suspenders and takes off his boots. "What are you doing?" the farmer asks. The hired man replied, "I don't work after supper."
Generous Giver
A teenager was sitting in church, and when the collection late was passed around, he quickly pulled a dollar bill from his pocket and dropped it in. Just then, the person behind him tapped him on his shoulder and handed him a $20 bill. The boy smiled, placed the $20 in the plate, and passed it on, admiring the man's generosity. Then the boy felt another tap from behind and heard a whisper: "Son," the man said, "that was your $20 bill that had fallen out of your pocket."
How Convenient
A little girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill. "Mommy," she said, "can we leave now?" "No," her mother replied. "Well, I think I have to throw up!" "Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush." After about 60 seconds the little girl returned to her seat. "Did you throw up?" Mom asked. "Yes." "How could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and returned so quickly?" "I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy. They have a box next to the front door that says, 'For the Sick.'"
Generation Gap
A big mouth college student challenged a senior citizen saying it was impossible for their generation to understand his world. "You grew up in a different world," the student said. "Today we have television, jet planes, space travel, nuclear energy, computers, the internet..." Taking advantage of a pause in the student's litany, the senior said, "You're right sonny. We didn't have those things when we were young — so we invented them! What are YOU doing for the next generation?"
Deep Point To Ponder
How would we measure hail without golf balls?
Girl of his dreams
A young man in college called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met the girl of his dreams. Now what should he do? His mother had an idea: “Why don’t you send her flowers, and on the card invite her to your apartment for a home-cooked meal?” He thought this was a great strategy, and a week later, the girl came to dinner. His mother called the next day to see how things had gone. “I was totally humiliated,” he moaned. “She insisted on washing the dishes.” “What’s wrong with that?” asked his mother. “We hadn’t started eating yet.”
Address
When my eight-year-old sister came to visit, I took a day off from my job at the Pentagon and showed her the Lincoln Memorial. There she saw a large block of text—273 words long—etched into the monument. "What's that?" she asked. "Lincoln's Gettysburg Address," I told her. "If that's his address, how does he get any mail?"
Why Dogs Can’t Use Computers
• They’re distracted by cats chasing the mouse.
• It was hard enough to learn SIT and STAY; CUT and PASTE are out of the question.
• They suffer from carpal paw syndrome.
• The fire hydrant icon is simply too frustrating.
• They attack the screen when they hear “You’ve Got Mail.”
• It’s too messy to “mark” every website they visit.
• They want to stick their heads out of Windows 7.
New word definition
COFFEE- the person upon whom someone coughs
ABDICATE- to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach
NEGLIGENT- when you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown
GARGOYLE- olive flavored mouthwash
FLATULENCE- emergency vehicle that picks you up after being run over
BALDERDASH- a rapidly receding hairline
Mighty Chickens
NASA engineers build a cannon that launches dead chickens at the windshields of airplanes, military jets and such to test the strength of the windshields against collisions with airborne fowl. French engineers are eager to test it on the windshields of their new high-speed trains. Arrangements are made, and a cannon is sent to the French engineers. When the cannon goes off, the engineers stand shocked as the chicken crashes into the shatterproof shield, smashes it to smithereens, blasts through the control console, snaps the pilot's backrest in two, and embeds itself in the back wall of the cabin. The horrified Frenchmen send the Americans a report of the disastrous results, along with an urgent request for suggests on improving the windshield design. The American engineers respond with a one-line memo: "Thaw the chicken."
Fitness Tip
The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back.
You know you're American when you line up at 3am on Black Friday so that you can save $5 at Walmart!
Thanksgiving Shorts
• What did the turkey say before it was roasted? Boy, I'm stuffed!
• Why did the police arrest the turkey? They suspected it of foul play!
• Which side of the turkey has the most feathers? The outside!
• Can a turkey jump higher than the Empire State Building? Yes. A building can't jump at all!
• If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims!
• What type of music did the Pilgrims like? Plymouth Rock!
• Why did the turkey cross the road? It was the chicken's day off!
• What key has legs and can't open doors? A turkey!
• What's the best thing to put into pumpkin pie? Your teeth!
Fall Harvest
A farmer and the hired hand he had recently brought on to help with the harvest were having a fine, full breakfast one day at the height of crop-gathering. They were both busily gulping down coffee, eggs, biscuits, gravy, and all the bacon they could eat. Thinking of all the work they had to do that day, the farmer remarked, "You know, this is probably going to be our lunch, too." The hired hand just nodded, refilled his plate, and continued eating. A short time later, the farmer says offhandedly, "We've got so much work to do today, this may well have to be our supper, too." The hired man grunts his understanding, takes a last few bites, then pushes back from the table, loosens his suspenders and takes off his boots. "What are you doing?" the farmer asks. The hired man replied, "I don't work after supper."
Generous Giver
A teenager was sitting in church, and when the collection late was passed around, he quickly pulled a dollar bill from his pocket and dropped it in. Just then, the person behind him tapped him on his shoulder and handed him a $20 bill. The boy smiled, placed the $20 in the plate, and passed it on, admiring the man's generosity. Then the boy felt another tap from behind and heard a whisper: "Son," the man said, "that was your $20 bill that had fallen out of your pocket."
How Convenient
A little girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill. "Mommy," she said, "can we leave now?" "No," her mother replied. "Well, I think I have to throw up!" "Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush." After about 60 seconds the little girl returned to her seat. "Did you throw up?" Mom asked. "Yes." "How could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and returned so quickly?" "I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy. They have a box next to the front door that says, 'For the Sick.'"
Generation Gap
A big mouth college student challenged a senior citizen saying it was impossible for their generation to understand his world. "You grew up in a different world," the student said. "Today we have television, jet planes, space travel, nuclear energy, computers, the internet..." Taking advantage of a pause in the student's litany, the senior said, "You're right sonny. We didn't have those things when we were young — so we invented them! What are YOU doing for the next generation?"
Deep Point To Ponder
How would we measure hail without golf balls?
Girl of his dreams
A young man in college called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met the girl of his dreams. Now what should he do? His mother had an idea: “Why don’t you send her flowers, and on the card invite her to your apartment for a home-cooked meal?” He thought this was a great strategy, and a week later, the girl came to dinner. His mother called the next day to see how things had gone. “I was totally humiliated,” he moaned. “She insisted on washing the dishes.” “What’s wrong with that?” asked his mother. “We hadn’t started eating yet.”
Address
When my eight-year-old sister came to visit, I took a day off from my job at the Pentagon and showed her the Lincoln Memorial. There she saw a large block of text—273 words long—etched into the monument. "What's that?" she asked. "Lincoln's Gettysburg Address," I told her. "If that's his address, how does he get any mail?"
Why Dogs Can’t Use Computers
• They’re distracted by cats chasing the mouse.
• It was hard enough to learn SIT and STAY; CUT and PASTE are out of the question.
• They suffer from carpal paw syndrome.
• The fire hydrant icon is simply too frustrating.
• They attack the screen when they hear “You’ve Got Mail.”
• It’s too messy to “mark” every website they visit.
• They want to stick their heads out of Windows 7.
New word definition
COFFEE- the person upon whom someone coughs
ABDICATE- to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach
NEGLIGENT- when you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown
GARGOYLE- olive flavored mouthwash
FLATULENCE- emergency vehicle that picks you up after being run over
BALDERDASH- a rapidly receding hairline
Mighty Chickens
NASA engineers build a cannon that launches dead chickens at the windshields of airplanes, military jets and such to test the strength of the windshields against collisions with airborne fowl. French engineers are eager to test it on the windshields of their new high-speed trains. Arrangements are made, and a cannon is sent to the French engineers. When the cannon goes off, the engineers stand shocked as the chicken crashes into the shatterproof shield, smashes it to smithereens, blasts through the control console, snaps the pilot's backrest in two, and embeds itself in the back wall of the cabin. The horrified Frenchmen send the Americans a report of the disastrous results, along with an urgent request for suggests on improving the windshield design. The American engineers respond with a one-line memo: "Thaw the chicken."
Fitness Tip
The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back.
Friday, November 12, 2010
Friday's Funnies
Running Around
Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. "You're running around with other women," she charged. "You're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You're the only woman on earth." The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by Eve poking him in the chest. "What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded. "Counting your ribs," Eve huffed.
Fired
In Washington, D.C., the application form for federal employment includes this question: "Why did you leave your previous employment?" One applicant, a former U.S. Congressman, responded: "The express wish of 116,000 voters."
Communications
A manager has to take on some sport by his doctor so he decides to play tennis. After a couple of weeks his secretary asks him how he's doing. "It's going fine," the manager says. "When I'm on the court and I see the ball speeding towards me my brain immediately says, 'To the corner! Back hand! To the net! Smash! Go back!'" "Really? What happens then?" the girl asks enthusiasticly. "Then my body says, 'Who? Me? Don't talk nonsense!'"
Signs You're Drinking Too Much Coffee
• Starbucks is accepting bids for a franchise located in your house.
• The National Bank of Columbia has offered you a Platinum Visa card with zero percent interest. • Folgers has offered you a "distributors" franchise for your block.
• Your co-workers are getting rich buying stock in companies that manufacture foam coffee cups. • You just went to the store and bought ten cases of non-diary creamer "to get you through the week."
• You haven't slept in a week and no one notices, not even you.
• You find yourself sneezing Folger's Crystals.
• Juan Valdez starts sending you hand-written Thank You notes.
• You eat garlic to overcome coffee breath.
• Your dentist upgrades to a belt sander.
• Auctioneers begin to make sense.
And the number 1 Sign You've Had Too Much Coffee...
• YYoouu ssttaarrtt ttyyppiinng lliikkee tthhiiss..
Little Larry
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Larry stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Larry?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'
The math teacher saw that Larry wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, 'Larry! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Larry quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'
Larry's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman 'The detectives want very badly to capture him. Larry asked,"Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture? "
New Airport Security
The Dutch are developing an airport security device that eliminates the privacy concerns that come with full-body scanners at the airports.
They have a booth that you can step into that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have on you.
They see this as a Win-Win for every one and there would be none of this junk about racial profiling. This method would also eliminate the costs of a long and expensive trial.
Justice would be quick and swift. Case Closed !
This is so simple....that it's brilliant. I can see it now. You're in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion. Shortly thereafter an announcement comes over the PA system:
"Attention standby passengers - we now have a seat available on flight number........"
Airline Fees
With airlines adding fees to fees, The Week magazine asked its readers to predict the next surcharge they'll levy for something previously free.
1. In the unlikely event of loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will drop down. To start the flow of oxygen, simply insert your credit card …
2. $100 On-Time Departure Fee; $25 Delay Complaint Fee.
3. View seating (formerly window seats), $10; Access seating (formerly aisle seats), $10; $20 to use roll-away stairs to enter or exit the aircraft in lieu of no-charge rope-ladder alternative.
4. $9 fee for bumping your head on the overhead bin as you take your seat; $3 additional penalty for looking up at the bin after you bump into it.
I Just Don’t Get It
I don’t get these people who, instead of buying a four- or an eight- pack of toilet paper, buy a single, individual roll. Are they trying to quit?
Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. "You're running around with other women," she charged. "You're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You're the only woman on earth." The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by Eve poking him in the chest. "What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded. "Counting your ribs," Eve huffed.
Fired
In Washington, D.C., the application form for federal employment includes this question: "Why did you leave your previous employment?" One applicant, a former U.S. Congressman, responded: "The express wish of 116,000 voters."
Communications
A manager has to take on some sport by his doctor so he decides to play tennis. After a couple of weeks his secretary asks him how he's doing. "It's going fine," the manager says. "When I'm on the court and I see the ball speeding towards me my brain immediately says, 'To the corner! Back hand! To the net! Smash! Go back!'" "Really? What happens then?" the girl asks enthusiasticly. "Then my body says, 'Who? Me? Don't talk nonsense!'"
Signs You're Drinking Too Much Coffee
• Starbucks is accepting bids for a franchise located in your house.
• The National Bank of Columbia has offered you a Platinum Visa card with zero percent interest. • Folgers has offered you a "distributors" franchise for your block.
• Your co-workers are getting rich buying stock in companies that manufacture foam coffee cups. • You just went to the store and bought ten cases of non-diary creamer "to get you through the week."
• You haven't slept in a week and no one notices, not even you.
• You find yourself sneezing Folger's Crystals.
• Juan Valdez starts sending you hand-written Thank You notes.
• You eat garlic to overcome coffee breath.
• Your dentist upgrades to a belt sander.
• Auctioneers begin to make sense.
And the number 1 Sign You've Had Too Much Coffee...
• YYoouu ssttaarrtt ttyyppiinng lliikkee tthhiiss..
Little Larry
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Larry stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Larry?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'
The math teacher saw that Larry wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, 'Larry! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Larry quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'
Larry's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman 'The detectives want very badly to capture him. Larry asked,"Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture? "
New Airport Security
The Dutch are developing an airport security device that eliminates the privacy concerns that come with full-body scanners at the airports.
They have a booth that you can step into that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have on you.
They see this as a Win-Win for every one and there would be none of this junk about racial profiling. This method would also eliminate the costs of a long and expensive trial.
Justice would be quick and swift. Case Closed !
This is so simple....that it's brilliant. I can see it now. You're in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion. Shortly thereafter an announcement comes over the PA system:
"Attention standby passengers - we now have a seat available on flight number........"
Airline Fees
With airlines adding fees to fees, The Week magazine asked its readers to predict the next surcharge they'll levy for something previously free.
1. In the unlikely event of loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will drop down. To start the flow of oxygen, simply insert your credit card …
2. $100 On-Time Departure Fee; $25 Delay Complaint Fee.
3. View seating (formerly window seats), $10; Access seating (formerly aisle seats), $10; $20 to use roll-away stairs to enter or exit the aircraft in lieu of no-charge rope-ladder alternative.
4. $9 fee for bumping your head on the overhead bin as you take your seat; $3 additional penalty for looking up at the bin after you bump into it.
I Just Don’t Get It
I don’t get these people who, instead of buying a four- or an eight- pack of toilet paper, buy a single, individual roll. Are they trying to quit?
Friday, November 5, 2010
Friday's Funnies
Refreshing
The minister gave his Sunday morning service, as usual, but this particular Sunday, it was considerably longer than normal. Later, at the door, shaking hands with parishioners as they moved out, one man said, "Your sermon, Pastor, was simply wonderful -so invigorating and inspiring and refreshing." The minister of course, broke out in a big smile, only to hear the man add, "I felt like a new man when I woke up!"
Just Before I Die
Showing his friend around his home, Jennings pointed out all of the collectibles he and his wife had acquired over their long years of marriage. "The day before I die, I'd like to sell every piece we've got just to see how much it's all worth." "Well," his friend replied, "since you couldn't possibly know the day before you're going to die, you'll never be able to sell!" "And that's where you're wrong," the man smiled. "If I sell it, my wife would kill me!"
The Music Critic
An anthropologist went to study a far-flung tropical island. He found a guide with a canoe to take him upriver to the remote site where he would make his observations. About noon on the second day of travel up the river they began to hear drums. The anthropologist asked his guide, "What are those drums?" The guide turned to him and said, "Drums okay, but VERY BAD when they stop." As they traveled the drums grew louder and louder. The anthropologist was nervous, but the guide merely repeated, "Drums okay. Drums not bad. When drums stop, then very bad!" Then the drums suddenly stopped. Terrified, the anthropologist yelled to the guide: "The drums stopped! What now?" The guide crouched down, covered his head with his hands and said, "Guitar solo."
Words Of Wisdom
After finishing an out-of-town errand, I discovered that my car wouldn't start because it was out of gas. A passer-by told me there was a service station a half-mile away, so I took a gas can from the trunk and trudged the distance in the sweltering sun. The attendant filled my two-gallon can, and I lugged it back and poured the gas into the tank. But when I tried to unlock the car door, it wouldn't open. Just then, I noticed an identical old car parked a short distance away. That was my car; I had filled a stranger's gas tank. Wearily I walked back to the station. "You know," the attendant suggested helpfully, "instead of walking back and forth to fill the tank from the can, you could put a couple of gallons in the tank and then drive the car here."
Welcome Sign
"Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen."
MALE VS FEMALE AT THE CASH MACHINE
It's a proven fact that males and females sometimes approach the same task in fundamentally different ways. After many months of careful research by the banking industry, Male & Female procedures have been developed to help for quicker processing of transactions at ATM machines. You should expect to start seeing these procedures posted at ATM machines in your area in the near future.
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Lower your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter the amount of cash you want to withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Raise window.
7. Drive off.
FEMALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required distance to align car window with the ATM machine.
3. Put hand brake on, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate ATM card.
5. Tell the person you are talking to on your cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN .
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror while request is processing.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check book and place receipt in back of it.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on mobile cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Hand Brake.
The Difference Between an Optimist and a Pessimist
"What's the difference between an optimist and a pessimist?" I asked my husband. He thought for a minute before responding, "An optimist is the guy who created the airplane. A pessimist is the guy who created the parachute."
The minister gave his Sunday morning service, as usual, but this particular Sunday, it was considerably longer than normal. Later, at the door, shaking hands with parishioners as they moved out, one man said, "Your sermon, Pastor, was simply wonderful -so invigorating and inspiring and refreshing." The minister of course, broke out in a big smile, only to hear the man add, "I felt like a new man when I woke up!"
Just Before I Die
Showing his friend around his home, Jennings pointed out all of the collectibles he and his wife had acquired over their long years of marriage. "The day before I die, I'd like to sell every piece we've got just to see how much it's all worth." "Well," his friend replied, "since you couldn't possibly know the day before you're going to die, you'll never be able to sell!" "And that's where you're wrong," the man smiled. "If I sell it, my wife would kill me!"
The Music Critic
An anthropologist went to study a far-flung tropical island. He found a guide with a canoe to take him upriver to the remote site where he would make his observations. About noon on the second day of travel up the river they began to hear drums. The anthropologist asked his guide, "What are those drums?" The guide turned to him and said, "Drums okay, but VERY BAD when they stop." As they traveled the drums grew louder and louder. The anthropologist was nervous, but the guide merely repeated, "Drums okay. Drums not bad. When drums stop, then very bad!" Then the drums suddenly stopped. Terrified, the anthropologist yelled to the guide: "The drums stopped! What now?" The guide crouched down, covered his head with his hands and said, "Guitar solo."
Words Of Wisdom
After finishing an out-of-town errand, I discovered that my car wouldn't start because it was out of gas. A passer-by told me there was a service station a half-mile away, so I took a gas can from the trunk and trudged the distance in the sweltering sun. The attendant filled my two-gallon can, and I lugged it back and poured the gas into the tank. But when I tried to unlock the car door, it wouldn't open. Just then, I noticed an identical old car parked a short distance away. That was my car; I had filled a stranger's gas tank. Wearily I walked back to the station. "You know," the attendant suggested helpfully, "instead of walking back and forth to fill the tank from the can, you could put a couple of gallons in the tank and then drive the car here."
Welcome Sign
"Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen."
MALE VS FEMALE AT THE CASH MACHINE
It's a proven fact that males and females sometimes approach the same task in fundamentally different ways. After many months of careful research by the banking industry, Male & Female procedures have been developed to help for quicker processing of transactions at ATM machines. You should expect to start seeing these procedures posted at ATM machines in your area in the near future.
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Lower your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter the amount of cash you want to withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Raise window.
7. Drive off.
FEMALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required distance to align car window with the ATM machine.
3. Put hand brake on, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate ATM card.
5. Tell the person you are talking to on your cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN .
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror while request is processing.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check book and place receipt in back of it.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on mobile cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Hand Brake.
The Difference Between an Optimist and a Pessimist
"What's the difference between an optimist and a pessimist?" I asked my husband. He thought for a minute before responding, "An optimist is the guy who created the airplane. A pessimist is the guy who created the parachute."
Friday, October 22, 2010
Friday's Funnies
Busted
"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees. "Yes sir," the clerk replied. "That's good," the boss said. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you."
No Exceptions
Myra was going to the office party but needed a new party dress. In the clothing store she asked, "May I try on that dress in the window, please?" "Certainly not, madam," responded the salesgirl, "You'll have to use the fitting room like everyone else."
Oh, To Be A Kid Again
• Decisions were made by saying "eeny-meeny-miney-mo."
• Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming, "Do over!"
• "Race issue," meant arguing about who ran the fastest.
• Money issues were handled by whoever was the banker in Monopoly.
• Catching fireflies could happily occupy an entire evening.
• It wasn't odd to have two or three "best" friends.
• Being old referred to anyone over 20.
• It was magic when Dad would "remove" his thumb.
• It was unbelievable that dodge ball wasn't an Olympic event.
• Having a weapon in school meant being caught with a slingshot.
• Nobody was prettier than Mom.
• Scrapes and bruises were kissed and made better.
• It was a big deal to finally be tall enough to ride the "big people" rides at the amusement park.
• Getting a foot of snow was a dream come true.
• Abilities were discovered because of a "double-dog-dare."
• Saturday morning cartoons weren't 30-minute ads for action figures.
• No shopping trip was complete unless a new toy was brought home.
• "Oly-oly-oxen-free" made perfect sense.
• Spinning around, getting dizzy, and falling down would cause giggles.
• The worst embarrassment was being picked last for a team.
• War was a card game.
• Water balloons were the ultimate weapon.
• Baseball cards in the spokes transformed any bike into a motorcycle.
• Taking drugs meant orange-flavored chewable aspirin.
• Ice cream was considered a basic food group.
• Older siblings were the worst tormentors but also the fiercest protectors.
Working it Out
One friend complained to another, "All my husband and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset, I've lost 20 pounds." "If it's that bad, why don't you just leave him?" asked the second friend. "I'd like to lose another 15 pounds first."
Grandma's visit
“Oh, I sure am glad to see you,” the little boy said to his grandmother (on his mother’s side). “Now Daddy will do the trick he’s been promising us.” The grandmother was curious. “What trick is that?” she asked. “He told Mommy that he’d climb the walls if you came to visit,” answered the boy.
Haircuts
Women's version:
Woman2: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute!
Woman1: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?
Woman2: Oh no! No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.
Woman1: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.
Woman2: Oh - that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line.
Woman1: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms - see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.
Men's version:
Man2: Haircut?
Man1: Yeah.
Parking
I pulled into a crowded parking lot and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Labrador retriever had fresh air. She was stretched out on the back seat, and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there. I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, “Now you stay. Do you hear me? Stay!” The driver of a nearby car gave me a startled look. “I don’t know about you, lady,” he said incredulously. “But I usually just put my car in park.”
"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees. "Yes sir," the clerk replied. "That's good," the boss said. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you."
No Exceptions
Myra was going to the office party but needed a new party dress. In the clothing store she asked, "May I try on that dress in the window, please?" "Certainly not, madam," responded the salesgirl, "You'll have to use the fitting room like everyone else."
Oh, To Be A Kid Again
• Decisions were made by saying "eeny-meeny-miney-mo."
• Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming, "Do over!"
• "Race issue," meant arguing about who ran the fastest.
• Money issues were handled by whoever was the banker in Monopoly.
• Catching fireflies could happily occupy an entire evening.
• It wasn't odd to have two or three "best" friends.
• Being old referred to anyone over 20.
• It was magic when Dad would "remove" his thumb.
• It was unbelievable that dodge ball wasn't an Olympic event.
• Having a weapon in school meant being caught with a slingshot.
• Nobody was prettier than Mom.
• Scrapes and bruises were kissed and made better.
• It was a big deal to finally be tall enough to ride the "big people" rides at the amusement park.
• Getting a foot of snow was a dream come true.
• Abilities were discovered because of a "double-dog-dare."
• Saturday morning cartoons weren't 30-minute ads for action figures.
• No shopping trip was complete unless a new toy was brought home.
• "Oly-oly-oxen-free" made perfect sense.
• Spinning around, getting dizzy, and falling down would cause giggles.
• The worst embarrassment was being picked last for a team.
• War was a card game.
• Water balloons were the ultimate weapon.
• Baseball cards in the spokes transformed any bike into a motorcycle.
• Taking drugs meant orange-flavored chewable aspirin.
• Ice cream was considered a basic food group.
• Older siblings were the worst tormentors but also the fiercest protectors.
Working it Out
One friend complained to another, "All my husband and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset, I've lost 20 pounds." "If it's that bad, why don't you just leave him?" asked the second friend. "I'd like to lose another 15 pounds first."
Grandma's visit
“Oh, I sure am glad to see you,” the little boy said to his grandmother (on his mother’s side). “Now Daddy will do the trick he’s been promising us.” The grandmother was curious. “What trick is that?” she asked. “He told Mommy that he’d climb the walls if you came to visit,” answered the boy.
Haircuts
Women's version:
Woman2: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute!
Woman1: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?
Woman2: Oh no! No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.
Woman1: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.
Woman2: Oh - that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line.
Woman1: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms - see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.
Men's version:
Man2: Haircut?
Man1: Yeah.
Parking
I pulled into a crowded parking lot and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Labrador retriever had fresh air. She was stretched out on the back seat, and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there. I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, “Now you stay. Do you hear me? Stay!” The driver of a nearby car gave me a startled look. “I don’t know about you, lady,” he said incredulously. “But I usually just put my car in park.”
Friday, October 15, 2010
Friday's Funnies
I Have An Accent?
I told our pastor's wife that October was Pastor Appreciation Month. She said, "church pastor or Italian pasta?
The Census
An old man was sitting on his porch, when a young man walked up with a pad and pencil in his hand. "What are you selling, young man?" he asked. "I'm not selling anything, sir," the young man replied. "I'm the census taker." "A what?" the man asked. "A census taker. We are trying to find out how many people are in the United States." "Well," the man answered, "you're wasting your time with me; I have no idea."
King Solomon's Pet Peeves
(From "Bible Humor Top Seven Lists" by Dave Veerman and Rich Anderson.)
7. Having people ask, "If you're so smart, why haven't you been on Jeopardy?"
6. Being asked the names of all his wives and children
5. Finding Christmas cards large enough for the names of everyone in his family
4. Signing Christmas cards
3. Being a tourist attraction (1 Kings 4:34)
2. Not being able to find the tune to "Song of Solomon"
1. Having all those mothers-in-law
The Haircut
(Story often adapted by Bill Gaither regarding the length of his concerts.)
A pastor, known for his lengthy sermons, noticed a man get up and leave during the middle of his message. The man returned just before the conclusion of the service. Afterwards the pastor asked the man where he had gone. "I went to get a haircut," was the reply. "But," said the pastor, "why didn't you do that before the service?" "Because," the gentleman said, "I didn't need one then."
Cafeteria Food
One outraged college student stomped up to the lunch line at the cafeteria, holding a plate with a piece of pie on it. "This is disgusting!" he exclaimed. "What kind of pie do you call this?!" The lunch lady calmly put down her ladle, looked him in the eye and snarled, "And just what does it taste like?" "It tastes like cardboard and rubber cement!" the student cried. Lunch Lady thinks a moment, then replies, "That must be the apple. The cherry pie tastes like stale crackers and soap."
Missing The Point
I was eavesdropping on two women sitting behind me on the bus when they started talking about a trip to Switzerland. The first passenger asked the second whether she had enjoyed the beautiful scenery. "Not really," came the reply. "I couldn't see much because of all the mountains in the way."
The Plan
A man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and said, "You know, I've lost my wife somewhere in this huge supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?" "Why?" she asks. "Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife suddenly appears out of nowhere and I'm tired of looking for her!"
You know you're growing old when...
• You've come to the annoying realization that your parents were right about almost everything. • The bag boy volunteers to help load groceries into your car-in the "ten items or less" lane.
• You've stopped supporting your children and started supporting your parents.
• You buy "age-defying" makeup and "anti-wrinkle" creams and believe they work.
• You've realized that all those geeky people in Bermuda shorts walking around Disney World include you.
• You've had three opportunities to buy every single Disney Animated Classic ... "for the last time in a generation"
• Your short-term memory is not as sharp as it used to be. Also, your short-term memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Standard pricing procedure
In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where a family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. "I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces. 'The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky, but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the BRAIN. The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a time, someone asked, 'How much will a brain cost?' The doctor quickly responded, '$5,000 for a male brain; $200 for a female brain.' The moment turned awkward. Some of the men actually had to 'try' to not smile, avoiding eye contact with the women. A man unable to control his curiosity, finally blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, 'Why is the male brain so much more than a female brain?' The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, 'It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to price the female brains a lot lower because they've been used.'
Bad day at the office
The businessman dragged himself home and barely made it to his chair before he dropped, exhausted. His sympathetic wife was right there with a tall cool drink and a comforting word. “My, you look tired,” she said. “You must have had a hard day today. What happened to make you so exhausted?” “It was terrible,” her husband said, “The computer broke down and all of us had to do our own thinking.”
Dented bumper
Recently, my husband put his car in reverse and accidentally drove it into a wall. He took it to his mechanic, who replaced the dented bumper. A few days later, he did it again. "I'm so embarrassed," he moaned, reaching for the phone. "Why not tell him it was me this time?" I suggested. "Maybe I will," he said while dialing. "It worked the last time."
I told our pastor's wife that October was Pastor Appreciation Month. She said, "church pastor or Italian pasta?
The Census
An old man was sitting on his porch, when a young man walked up with a pad and pencil in his hand. "What are you selling, young man?" he asked. "I'm not selling anything, sir," the young man replied. "I'm the census taker." "A what?" the man asked. "A census taker. We are trying to find out how many people are in the United States." "Well," the man answered, "you're wasting your time with me; I have no idea."
King Solomon's Pet Peeves
(From "Bible Humor Top Seven Lists" by Dave Veerman and Rich Anderson.)
7. Having people ask, "If you're so smart, why haven't you been on Jeopardy?"
6. Being asked the names of all his wives and children
5. Finding Christmas cards large enough for the names of everyone in his family
4. Signing Christmas cards
3. Being a tourist attraction (1 Kings 4:34)
2. Not being able to find the tune to "Song of Solomon"
1. Having all those mothers-in-law
The Haircut
(Story often adapted by Bill Gaither regarding the length of his concerts.)
A pastor, known for his lengthy sermons, noticed a man get up and leave during the middle of his message. The man returned just before the conclusion of the service. Afterwards the pastor asked the man where he had gone. "I went to get a haircut," was the reply. "But," said the pastor, "why didn't you do that before the service?" "Because," the gentleman said, "I didn't need one then."
Cafeteria Food
One outraged college student stomped up to the lunch line at the cafeteria, holding a plate with a piece of pie on it. "This is disgusting!" he exclaimed. "What kind of pie do you call this?!" The lunch lady calmly put down her ladle, looked him in the eye and snarled, "And just what does it taste like?" "It tastes like cardboard and rubber cement!" the student cried. Lunch Lady thinks a moment, then replies, "That must be the apple. The cherry pie tastes like stale crackers and soap."
Missing The Point
I was eavesdropping on two women sitting behind me on the bus when they started talking about a trip to Switzerland. The first passenger asked the second whether she had enjoyed the beautiful scenery. "Not really," came the reply. "I couldn't see much because of all the mountains in the way."
The Plan
A man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and said, "You know, I've lost my wife somewhere in this huge supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?" "Why?" she asks. "Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife suddenly appears out of nowhere and I'm tired of looking for her!"
You know you're growing old when...
• You've come to the annoying realization that your parents were right about almost everything. • The bag boy volunteers to help load groceries into your car-in the "ten items or less" lane.
• You've stopped supporting your children and started supporting your parents.
• You buy "age-defying" makeup and "anti-wrinkle" creams and believe they work.
• You've realized that all those geeky people in Bermuda shorts walking around Disney World include you.
• You've had three opportunities to buy every single Disney Animated Classic ... "for the last time in a generation"
• Your short-term memory is not as sharp as it used to be. Also, your short-term memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Standard pricing procedure
In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where a family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. "I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces. 'The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky, but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the BRAIN. The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a time, someone asked, 'How much will a brain cost?' The doctor quickly responded, '$5,000 for a male brain; $200 for a female brain.' The moment turned awkward. Some of the men actually had to 'try' to not smile, avoiding eye contact with the women. A man unable to control his curiosity, finally blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, 'Why is the male brain so much more than a female brain?' The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, 'It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to price the female brains a lot lower because they've been used.'
Bad day at the office
The businessman dragged himself home and barely made it to his chair before he dropped, exhausted. His sympathetic wife was right there with a tall cool drink and a comforting word. “My, you look tired,” she said. “You must have had a hard day today. What happened to make you so exhausted?” “It was terrible,” her husband said, “The computer broke down and all of us had to do our own thinking.”
Dented bumper
Recently, my husband put his car in reverse and accidentally drove it into a wall. He took it to his mechanic, who replaced the dented bumper. A few days later, he did it again. "I'm so embarrassed," he moaned, reaching for the phone. "Why not tell him it was me this time?" I suggested. "Maybe I will," he said while dialing. "It worked the last time."
Friday, October 1, 2010
Friday's Funnies
Count Your Blessings
During the last Sunday service that the visiting pastor was to spend at the church he served for some months, his hat was passed around for a goodwill offering. When it returned to the pastor, it was empty. The pastor didn't flinch. He raised the hat to Heaven and said, "I thank You, Lord, that I got my hat back from this congregation."
Exam Assistance
In the examination paper, the professor wanted us to sign a form stating that we had not received any outside assistance. Unsure of whether he should sign the form, a student stated that he had prayed for the assistance of God. The professor carefully studied the answer script and then said, "You can sign it with a clear conscience. It's obvious that God did not assist you."
Amen
A visiting minister was very long-winded. Worse, every time he would make a good point during his sermon and a member of the congregation responded with "Amen" or "That's right, preacher" he would get wound up even more and launch into another lengthy discourse. Finally, the host pastor started responding to every few sentences with "Amen, Pharaoh!" The guest minister wasn't sure what that meant, but after several more "Amen, Pharaohs" he finally concluded his very lengthy sermon. After the service concluded and the congregation had left, the visiting minister turned to his host and asked, "What exactly did you mean when you said "Amen, Pharaoh?" His host replied, "I was telling you to let my people go!"
Back to School Fun
• Well, it's back-to-school time. Or as the kids call it, "Open season on teachers."
• I don't know about schools today. Next year my son's school is offering a computer course in penmanship.
• My son made the "Honor Roll" last year. He only had "C" average, but he got an "A-Plus" in selling PTA candy.
• They're having a Back-to-School celebration in my neighborhood — with dancing and singing and yelling and jumping up and down. It's going to last all week. It's not for the kids — it's for the mothers.
• I think I would have been a better student in elementary school, but every time I raised my hand to answer a question, the teacher sent me to the bathroom .
Free will
A young couple came into the church office to fill out a pre-marriage questionnaire form. The young man, who had never talked to a pastor before, was quite nervous and the pastor tried to put him at ease. When they came to the question, "Are you entering this marriage of your own free will?" there was a long pause. Finally, the girl looked over at the apprehensive young man and said, "Put down yes".
Senior moment
A very elderly gentleman (mid-nineties), very well dressed, hair well groomed, great-looking suit, flower in his lapel, smelling slightly of a good after-shave, presenting a well-looked-after image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge.
Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady (mid-eighties). The gentleman walks over, sits along side of her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her, and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"
For the over 50 generation
I thought about the 30 year business I ran with 1800 employees, all without a Blackberry that played music, took videos, pictures and communicated with Facebook and Twitter.
I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my seven kids, their spouses, 13 grandkids and 2 great grand kids could communicate with me in the modern way. I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space.
That was before one of my grandkids hooked me up for Tweeter, Tweetree, Twhirl, Twitterfon, Twe etie and Twittererific Tweetdeck, Twitpix and something that sends every message to my cell phone and every other program within the texting world.
My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation. I am not ready to live like this. I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.
The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth [it's red] phone I am supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once and was standing in line at Barnes and Noble talking to my wife as everyone in the nearest 50 yards was glaring at me. Seems I have to take my hearing aid out to use it,
and I got a little loud.
I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, "Re-calc-ul-ating". You would think that she could be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then when I would make a right turn instead, it was not good.
When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy, the GPS lady, at least she loves me.
To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven't figured out how I can lose three phones all at once and have run around digging under chair cushions and checking bathrooms and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.
The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle on something themselves but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?" every time I check out just knocks me for a loop. I bought some of those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused, but I never remember to take them in with me.
I was recently asked if I tweet. I answered, No, but I do toot a lot."
During the last Sunday service that the visiting pastor was to spend at the church he served for some months, his hat was passed around for a goodwill offering. When it returned to the pastor, it was empty. The pastor didn't flinch. He raised the hat to Heaven and said, "I thank You, Lord, that I got my hat back from this congregation."
Exam Assistance
In the examination paper, the professor wanted us to sign a form stating that we had not received any outside assistance. Unsure of whether he should sign the form, a student stated that he had prayed for the assistance of God. The professor carefully studied the answer script and then said, "You can sign it with a clear conscience. It's obvious that God did not assist you."
Amen
A visiting minister was very long-winded. Worse, every time he would make a good point during his sermon and a member of the congregation responded with "Amen" or "That's right, preacher" he would get wound up even more and launch into another lengthy discourse. Finally, the host pastor started responding to every few sentences with "Amen, Pharaoh!" The guest minister wasn't sure what that meant, but after several more "Amen, Pharaohs" he finally concluded his very lengthy sermon. After the service concluded and the congregation had left, the visiting minister turned to his host and asked, "What exactly did you mean when you said "Amen, Pharaoh?" His host replied, "I was telling you to let my people go!"
Back to School Fun
• Well, it's back-to-school time. Or as the kids call it, "Open season on teachers."
• I don't know about schools today. Next year my son's school is offering a computer course in penmanship.
• My son made the "Honor Roll" last year. He only had "C" average, but he got an "A-Plus" in selling PTA candy.
• They're having a Back-to-School celebration in my neighborhood — with dancing and singing and yelling and jumping up and down. It's going to last all week. It's not for the kids — it's for the mothers.
• I think I would have been a better student in elementary school, but every time I raised my hand to answer a question, the teacher sent me to the bathroom .
Free will
A young couple came into the church office to fill out a pre-marriage questionnaire form. The young man, who had never talked to a pastor before, was quite nervous and the pastor tried to put him at ease. When they came to the question, "Are you entering this marriage of your own free will?" there was a long pause. Finally, the girl looked over at the apprehensive young man and said, "Put down yes".
Senior moment
A very elderly gentleman (mid-nineties), very well dressed, hair well groomed, great-looking suit, flower in his lapel, smelling slightly of a good after-shave, presenting a well-looked-after image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge.
Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady (mid-eighties). The gentleman walks over, sits along side of her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her, and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"
For the over 50 generation
I thought about the 30 year business I ran with 1800 employees, all without a Blackberry that played music, took videos, pictures and communicated with Facebook and Twitter.
I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my seven kids, their spouses, 13 grandkids and 2 great grand kids could communicate with me in the modern way. I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space.
That was before one of my grandkids hooked me up for Tweeter, Tweetree, Twhirl, Twitterfon, Twe etie and Twittererific Tweetdeck, Twitpix and something that sends every message to my cell phone and every other program within the texting world.
My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation. I am not ready to live like this. I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.
The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth [it's red] phone I am supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once and was standing in line at Barnes and Noble talking to my wife as everyone in the nearest 50 yards was glaring at me. Seems I have to take my hearing aid out to use it,
and I got a little loud.
I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, "Re-calc-ul-ating". You would think that she could be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then when I would make a right turn instead, it was not good.
When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy, the GPS lady, at least she loves me.
To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven't figured out how I can lose three phones all at once and have run around digging under chair cushions and checking bathrooms and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.
The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle on something themselves but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?" every time I check out just knocks me for a loop. I bought some of those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused, but I never remember to take them in with me.
I was recently asked if I tweet. I answered, No, but I do toot a lot."
Friday, September 17, 2010
Friday's Funnies
Help?
In the examination paper, the professor wanted us to sign a form stating that we had not received any outside assistance. Unsure of whether he should sign the form, a student told his professor that he had prayed for the assistance of God. The professor carefully studied the answer page and then said, "You can sign it with a clear conscience. God did not assist you."
Class Reminder
A college professor had the mysterious habit of removing a tennis ball from his jacket pocket as he walked into the lecture hall each morning. He would set it on the corner of the podium. After giving the lecture for the day, he would once again pick up the tennis ball, place it into his jacket pocket, and leave the room. No one ever understood why he did this, until one day ... A student fell asleep during the lecture. The professor didn't miss a word of his lecture while he walked over to the podium, picked up the tennis ball, and threw it, hitting the sleeping student squarely on the top of the head. The next day, the professor walked into the room, reached into his jacket, removed a baseball ... No one ever fell asleep in his class the rest of the semester!
Banned Words
English professor: "There are two words I don't allow in my class. One is 'gross' and the other is 'cool.'"
Student: "Yeah? So, what are the words?"
Hymns For All Professions
• Dentist's Hymn: Crown Him With Many Crowns
• Weatherman's Hymn: There Shall be Showers of Blessings
• Contractor's Hymn: The Church's One Foundation
• Tailor's Hymn: Holy, Holy, Holy
• Golfer's Hymn: There's a Green Hill Far Away
• Politician's Hymn: Standing on the Promises
• Optometrist's Hymn: Open My Eyes That I Might See
• IRS Agent's Hymn: I Surrender All
• Gossip's Hymn: Pass It On
• Electrician's Hymn: Send the Light
• Shopper's Hymn: Sweet By and By
• Realtor's Hymn: I've Got a Mansion, Just Over the Hilltop
• Message Therapist's Hymn: He Touched Me
• Doctor's Hymn: The Great Physician
Panyhose
A little boy went to the store with his grandmother and on the way home, he was looking at the things she had purchased. He found a package of panty hose and began to sound out the words "QUEEN SIZE." He then turned to his grandmother and exclaimed, "Look Granny, you wear the same size as our bed!"
Church Humor
One Sunday morning, a mother went in to wake her son and tell him it was time to get ready for church, to which he replied, "I'm not going."
"Why not?" she asked.
I'll give you two good reasons," he said. "(1), they don't like me, and (2), I don't like them."
His mother replied, "I'll give YOU two good reasons why YOU SHOULD go to church. (1) You're 59 years old, and (2) you're the pastor!"
The Picnic
A Jewish Rabbi and a Catholic Priest met at the town's annual 4th of July picnic. Old friends, they began their usual banter. "This baked ham is really delicious," the priest teased the rabbi. "You really ought to try it. I know it's against your religion, but I can't understand why such a wonderful food should be forbidden! You don't know what you're missing. You just haven't lived until you've tried Mrs. Hall's prized Virginia Baked Ham. Tell me, Rabbi, when are you going to break down and try it?" The rabbi looked at the priest with a big grin, and said, "At your wedding."
The Usher
An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps, "Where would you like to sit?" he asked politely.
"The front row please," she answered.
"You really don't want to do that," the usher said "The pastor is really boring."
"Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman inquired.
"No." he said.
"I'm the pastor's mother," she replied indignantly.
"Do you know who I am?" he asked.
"No." she said.
"Good," he answered.
Show and Tell
A kindergarten teacher gave her class a "show and tell" assignment. Each student was instructed to bring in an object to share with the class that represented their religion. The first student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Benjamin and I am Jewish and this is a Star of David." The second student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Mary. I'm a Catholic and this is a Rosary." The third student got in up front of the class and said, "My name is Tommy. I'm a Lutheran, and this is a casserole."
The Best Way To Pray
A priest, a minister and a guru sat discussing the best positions for prayer, while a telephone repairman worked nearby. "Kneeling is definitely the best way to pray," the priest said. "No," said the minister. "I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven." "You're both wrong," the guru said. "The most effective prayer position is lying down on the floor." The repairman could contain himself no longer. "Hey, fellas," he interrupted. "The best prayin' I ever did was when I was hangin' upside down from a telephone pole."
Goat for Dinner
The young couple invited their elderly pastor for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having. "Goat," the little boy replied.
"Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth, "Are you sure about that?"
"Yep," said the youngster. "I heard Dad say to Mom, 'Today is just as good as any to have the old goat for dinner."
In the examination paper, the professor wanted us to sign a form stating that we had not received any outside assistance. Unsure of whether he should sign the form, a student told his professor that he had prayed for the assistance of God. The professor carefully studied the answer page and then said, "You can sign it with a clear conscience. God did not assist you."
Class Reminder
A college professor had the mysterious habit of removing a tennis ball from his jacket pocket as he walked into the lecture hall each morning. He would set it on the corner of the podium. After giving the lecture for the day, he would once again pick up the tennis ball, place it into his jacket pocket, and leave the room. No one ever understood why he did this, until one day ... A student fell asleep during the lecture. The professor didn't miss a word of his lecture while he walked over to the podium, picked up the tennis ball, and threw it, hitting the sleeping student squarely on the top of the head. The next day, the professor walked into the room, reached into his jacket, removed a baseball ... No one ever fell asleep in his class the rest of the semester!
Banned Words
English professor: "There are two words I don't allow in my class. One is 'gross' and the other is 'cool.'"
Student: "Yeah? So, what are the words?"
Hymns For All Professions
• Dentist's Hymn: Crown Him With Many Crowns
• Weatherman's Hymn: There Shall be Showers of Blessings
• Contractor's Hymn: The Church's One Foundation
• Tailor's Hymn: Holy, Holy, Holy
• Golfer's Hymn: There's a Green Hill Far Away
• Politician's Hymn: Standing on the Promises
• Optometrist's Hymn: Open My Eyes That I Might See
• IRS Agent's Hymn: I Surrender All
• Gossip's Hymn: Pass It On
• Electrician's Hymn: Send the Light
• Shopper's Hymn: Sweet By and By
• Realtor's Hymn: I've Got a Mansion, Just Over the Hilltop
• Message Therapist's Hymn: He Touched Me
• Doctor's Hymn: The Great Physician
Panyhose
A little boy went to the store with his grandmother and on the way home, he was looking at the things she had purchased. He found a package of panty hose and began to sound out the words "QUEEN SIZE." He then turned to his grandmother and exclaimed, "Look Granny, you wear the same size as our bed!"
Church Humor
One Sunday morning, a mother went in to wake her son and tell him it was time to get ready for church, to which he replied, "I'm not going."
"Why not?" she asked.
I'll give you two good reasons," he said. "(1), they don't like me, and (2), I don't like them."
His mother replied, "I'll give YOU two good reasons why YOU SHOULD go to church. (1) You're 59 years old, and (2) you're the pastor!"
The Picnic
A Jewish Rabbi and a Catholic Priest met at the town's annual 4th of July picnic. Old friends, they began their usual banter. "This baked ham is really delicious," the priest teased the rabbi. "You really ought to try it. I know it's against your religion, but I can't understand why such a wonderful food should be forbidden! You don't know what you're missing. You just haven't lived until you've tried Mrs. Hall's prized Virginia Baked Ham. Tell me, Rabbi, when are you going to break down and try it?" The rabbi looked at the priest with a big grin, and said, "At your wedding."
The Usher
An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps, "Where would you like to sit?" he asked politely.
"The front row please," she answered.
"You really don't want to do that," the usher said "The pastor is really boring."
"Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman inquired.
"No." he said.
"I'm the pastor's mother," she replied indignantly.
"Do you know who I am?" he asked.
"No." she said.
"Good," he answered.
Show and Tell
A kindergarten teacher gave her class a "show and tell" assignment. Each student was instructed to bring in an object to share with the class that represented their religion. The first student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Benjamin and I am Jewish and this is a Star of David." The second student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Mary. I'm a Catholic and this is a Rosary." The third student got in up front of the class and said, "My name is Tommy. I'm a Lutheran, and this is a casserole."
The Best Way To Pray
A priest, a minister and a guru sat discussing the best positions for prayer, while a telephone repairman worked nearby. "Kneeling is definitely the best way to pray," the priest said. "No," said the minister. "I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven." "You're both wrong," the guru said. "The most effective prayer position is lying down on the floor." The repairman could contain himself no longer. "Hey, fellas," he interrupted. "The best prayin' I ever did was when I was hangin' upside down from a telephone pole."
Goat for Dinner
The young couple invited their elderly pastor for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having. "Goat," the little boy replied.
"Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth, "Are you sure about that?"
"Yep," said the youngster. "I heard Dad say to Mom, 'Today is just as good as any to have the old goat for dinner."
Friday, September 10, 2010
Friday's Funnies
A Helping Hand
A preacher is walking down the street one day when he notices little Chad trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, Chad is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach. After watching the boy's efforts for some time, the preacher moves closer to the boy's position. He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder, leans over and gives the doorbell a solid ring. Crouching down to the child's level, the preacher smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?" To which little Chad hollers, "Now we run!"
Fairy Tales
A little girl asked her father, "Daddy? Do all fairy tales begin with 'Once upon a time'?" He replied, "No, a whole series of fairy tales begins with 'If elected I promise...'"
Memory Aid
Two middle-aged couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?" "Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques, like visualization, association, and so on. It was great. I haven't had a problem since." "Sounds like something I could use. What was the name of the clinic?" Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?" "You mean a rose?" "Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife, "Hey Rose, what was the name of that memory clinic?"
Too True
Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.
A tech support’s nightmare
Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Customer: A white one...
Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on 'start' for me and....
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates.
Customer: I have problems printing in red..
Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah.....................thank you.
Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11.
Tech support: Your password is the small letter 'a' as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?
Customer: I can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five dots.
Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry... Internet Explorer.
Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first email.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the little circle around it?
A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: 'No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine.'
The religious accident
A Rabbi and a Priest are driving one day and, by a freak accident, have a head-on collision with tremendous force. Both cars are totally demolished, but amazingly, neither of the clerics has a scratch on him.
After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, "So you're a priest. I'm a rabbi. Just look at our cars. There is nothing left, yet we are here, unhurt. This must be a sign from God!" Pointing to the sky, he continues, "God must have meant that we should meet and share our lives in peace and friendship for the rest of our days on earth."
The priest replies, "I agree with you completely. This must surely be a sign from God!"
The rabbi is looking at his car and exclaims, "And look at this! Here's another miracle! My car is completely demolished, but this bottle of Mogen David wine did not break. Surely, God wants us to drink this wine and to celebrate our good fortune."
The priest nods in agreement.
The rabbi hands the bottle to the priest, who drinks half the bottle and hands the bottle back to the rabbi.
The rabbi takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap on, then hands it back to the priest.
The priest, baffled, asks, "Aren't you having any, Rabbi?"
The rabbi replies, "Nah... I think I'll wait for the police."
A preacher is walking down the street one day when he notices little Chad trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, Chad is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach. After watching the boy's efforts for some time, the preacher moves closer to the boy's position. He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder, leans over and gives the doorbell a solid ring. Crouching down to the child's level, the preacher smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?" To which little Chad hollers, "Now we run!"
Fairy Tales
A little girl asked her father, "Daddy? Do all fairy tales begin with 'Once upon a time'?" He replied, "No, a whole series of fairy tales begins with 'If elected I promise...'"
Memory Aid
Two middle-aged couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?" "Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques, like visualization, association, and so on. It was great. I haven't had a problem since." "Sounds like something I could use. What was the name of the clinic?" Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?" "You mean a rose?" "Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife, "Hey Rose, what was the name of that memory clinic?"
Too True
Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.
A tech support’s nightmare
Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Customer: A white one...
Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on 'start' for me and....
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates.
Customer: I have problems printing in red..
Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah.....................thank you.
Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11.
Tech support: Your password is the small letter 'a' as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?
Customer: I can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five dots.
Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry... Internet Explorer.
Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first email.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the little circle around it?
A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: 'No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine.'
The religious accident
A Rabbi and a Priest are driving one day and, by a freak accident, have a head-on collision with tremendous force. Both cars are totally demolished, but amazingly, neither of the clerics has a scratch on him.
After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, "So you're a priest. I'm a rabbi. Just look at our cars. There is nothing left, yet we are here, unhurt. This must be a sign from God!" Pointing to the sky, he continues, "God must have meant that we should meet and share our lives in peace and friendship for the rest of our days on earth."
The priest replies, "I agree with you completely. This must surely be a sign from God!"
The rabbi is looking at his car and exclaims, "And look at this! Here's another miracle! My car is completely demolished, but this bottle of Mogen David wine did not break. Surely, God wants us to drink this wine and to celebrate our good fortune."
The priest nods in agreement.
The rabbi hands the bottle to the priest, who drinks half the bottle and hands the bottle back to the rabbi.
The rabbi takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap on, then hands it back to the priest.
The priest, baffled, asks, "Aren't you having any, Rabbi?"
The rabbi replies, "Nah... I think I'll wait for the police."
Friday, September 3, 2010
Friday's Funnies
School Daze
One day a little girl came home from school and said to her mother, "Mommy, today in school I was punished for something that I didn't do." The mother exclaimed, "But that's terrible! I'm going to have a talk with your teacher about this ... by the way, what was it that you didn't do?" The little girl replied, "My homework."
School Books
• "Walking To School The First Day Back" by Misty Bus
• "The Day the Car Pool Forgot Me" by I. Rhoda Bike
• "Can't See The Chalkboard" by Sidney Backrow
• "Practical Jokes I Played On The First Day Of School" by Major Crackupp
• "What I Dislike About Returning To School" by Mona Lott
• "Making It Through the First Week Of School" by Gladys Saturday
• "Is Life Over When Summer Ends?" by Midas Welbee
• "What I Love About Returning To School" by I.M. Kidding
• "Will Jimmy Finally Graduate?" by I. Betty Wont
• "What Happens When You Get Caught Skipping School" by U. Will Gettitt
The Warning
Little Jon wasn't getting good marks in school. One day he surprised the teacher with a warning. He tapped her on the shoulder and said, "I don't want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don't get better grades, somebody is going to get a spanking."
The Top 6 Signs Your Child's Teacher Is Experiencing Burnout
• Spelling test words: "Go," "Home," "Already."
• She spends an inordinate amount of every parent-teacher conference extolling the virtues of home-schooling.
• Lately, all the math homework has involved calculating how long it will take Teacher A on Flight 201 out of Boston to reach Maui.
• "Because the scalpel method is much too slow, we're going to speed up the frog dissection with this blender."
• You hear your kindergartner singing, "A-B-C-D, E-whatever, whatever...."
• Your son comes home with a report card comment that reads, "Johnny is a snot-nosed brat, just like the other 23 losers in his class!"
Fifty Bucks
Ken and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year, and every year Ken would say, 'Edna, I'd like to ride in that helicopter'. Edna always replied, 'I know Ken, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, And fifty bucks is fifty bucks'. One year Ken and Edna went to the fair, and Ken said, 'Edna, I'm 75 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance'. To this, Edna replied, "Ken that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks'. The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word its fifty dollars.' Ken and Edna agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word... when they landed, the pilot turned to Ken and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!' Ken replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Edna fell out, But you know, "Fifty bucks is fifty bucks!'
Barking dog
Chris and Pat are in their residence listening to the neighbor’s dog, who has been barking for hours and hours. Finally, Chris jumps up and says, "I've had enough of this!" He rushes downstairs and a bit of time passes before he finally returns. Pat says, "The dog is still barking, what have you been doing?" Chris says, "I've put the dog in our backyard. Let's see how they like it!"
I need a raise
A: Excuse me sir, may I talk to you?
B: Sure, come on in. What can I do for you?
A: Well sir, as you know, I have been an employee of this prestigious firm for over ten years.
B: Yes.
A: I won't beat around the bush. Sir, I would like a raise. I currently have four companies after me and so I decided to talk to you first.
B: A raise? I would love to give you a raise, but this is just not the right time.
A: I understand your position, and I know that the current economic down turn has had a negative impact on sales, but you must also take into consideration my hard work, pro- activeness and loyalty to this company for over a decade.
B: Taking into account these factors, and considering I don't want to start a brain drain, I'm willing to offer you a ten percent raise and an extra five days of vacation time. How does that sound?
A: Great! It's a deal! Thank you, sir!
B: Before you go, just out of curiosity, what companies were after you?
A: Oh, the Electric Company, Gas Company, Water Company and the Mortgage Company!
One day a little girl came home from school and said to her mother, "Mommy, today in school I was punished for something that I didn't do." The mother exclaimed, "But that's terrible! I'm going to have a talk with your teacher about this ... by the way, what was it that you didn't do?" The little girl replied, "My homework."
School Books
• "Walking To School The First Day Back" by Misty Bus
• "The Day the Car Pool Forgot Me" by I. Rhoda Bike
• "Can't See The Chalkboard" by Sidney Backrow
• "Practical Jokes I Played On The First Day Of School" by Major Crackupp
• "What I Dislike About Returning To School" by Mona Lott
• "Making It Through the First Week Of School" by Gladys Saturday
• "Is Life Over When Summer Ends?" by Midas Welbee
• "What I Love About Returning To School" by I.M. Kidding
• "Will Jimmy Finally Graduate?" by I. Betty Wont
• "What Happens When You Get Caught Skipping School" by U. Will Gettitt
The Warning
Little Jon wasn't getting good marks in school. One day he surprised the teacher with a warning. He tapped her on the shoulder and said, "I don't want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don't get better grades, somebody is going to get a spanking."
The Top 6 Signs Your Child's Teacher Is Experiencing Burnout
• Spelling test words: "Go," "Home," "Already."
• She spends an inordinate amount of every parent-teacher conference extolling the virtues of home-schooling.
• Lately, all the math homework has involved calculating how long it will take Teacher A on Flight 201 out of Boston to reach Maui.
• "Because the scalpel method is much too slow, we're going to speed up the frog dissection with this blender."
• You hear your kindergartner singing, "A-B-C-D, E-whatever, whatever...."
• Your son comes home with a report card comment that reads, "Johnny is a snot-nosed brat, just like the other 23 losers in his class!"
Fifty Bucks
Ken and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year, and every year Ken would say, 'Edna, I'd like to ride in that helicopter'. Edna always replied, 'I know Ken, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, And fifty bucks is fifty bucks'. One year Ken and Edna went to the fair, and Ken said, 'Edna, I'm 75 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance'. To this, Edna replied, "Ken that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks'. The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word its fifty dollars.' Ken and Edna agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word... when they landed, the pilot turned to Ken and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!' Ken replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Edna fell out, But you know, "Fifty bucks is fifty bucks!'
Barking dog
Chris and Pat are in their residence listening to the neighbor’s dog, who has been barking for hours and hours. Finally, Chris jumps up and says, "I've had enough of this!" He rushes downstairs and a bit of time passes before he finally returns. Pat says, "The dog is still barking, what have you been doing?" Chris says, "I've put the dog in our backyard. Let's see how they like it!"
I need a raise
A: Excuse me sir, may I talk to you?
B: Sure, come on in. What can I do for you?
A: Well sir, as you know, I have been an employee of this prestigious firm for over ten years.
B: Yes.
A: I won't beat around the bush. Sir, I would like a raise. I currently have four companies after me and so I decided to talk to you first.
B: A raise? I would love to give you a raise, but this is just not the right time.
A: I understand your position, and I know that the current economic down turn has had a negative impact on sales, but you must also take into consideration my hard work, pro- activeness and loyalty to this company for over a decade.
B: Taking into account these factors, and considering I don't want to start a brain drain, I'm willing to offer you a ten percent raise and an extra five days of vacation time. How does that sound?
A: Great! It's a deal! Thank you, sir!
B: Before you go, just out of curiosity, what companies were after you?
A: Oh, the Electric Company, Gas Company, Water Company and the Mortgage Company!
Friday, August 27, 2010
Friday's Funnies
A Proper Burial
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his five-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: "Glory be unto the Faaaather.... and unto the Sonnnn ....and into the hole he gooooes."
Unbiased Opinions
My girlfriend took her five-year-old daughter shopping with her. The little girl watched her mother try on outfit after outfit, exclaiming every time, "Mommy, you look beautiful." A woman in the next fitting room called out, "May I borrow your daughter for a moment?"
The Proof
During basic training for the Army Nurse Corps, we were required to spend one week in the field roughing it. It rained the entire week. We arose daily in our swampy tent, took a cold-water beauty bath from our helmets, donned our pistol belts and ponchos, and trudged through the mud to set up field hospitals. Obviously, our personal appearance frequently left much to be desired. The final blow to our feminine pride occurred while we waited in the mess line in the mud and rain. A young private came by with a camera and asked to take our picture. "It will prove to my girlfriend," he said, "that she has NO reason to be jealous!"
Answering machine message
I dialed a number and got the following recording: "I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes."
A real person
Staffing the computer help desk for the local school district was my first job. And though I was just an intern, I took the job very seriously. But not every caller took me seriously. "Can I talk to a real person?" a caller asked. "I am real," I said. "Oh, I'm sorry," the caller said. "That was rude of me. What I meant to say was, could I talk to someone who actually knows something?"
Helping the environment
Trying to do my share for the environment, I set up a trash basket at my church and posted above it this suggestion: "Empty water bottles here." I should have been a little more specific, because when I went to check it later, I didn't find any bottles in it. But it was full of water.
Aging words
Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions. How old are you?...."I'm four and a half" ....You're never 36 and a half....you're four and a half going on five!
That's the key. You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number. How old are you? "I'm gonna be 16." You could be 12, but you're gonna be 16.
And then the greatest day of your life happens....you become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony....you BECOME 21...YES! But then you turn 30....ooohhh what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk....He TURNED, we had to throw him out. There's no fun now.
What's wrong?? What changed?? You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40...stay over there, it's all slipping away.... So you BECOME 21, you TURN 30, you're PUSHING 40, you REACH 50, you MAKE IT to 60 ...... then you build up so much speed you HIT 70! After that, it's a day by day thing. After that, you HIT Wednesday....You get into your 80's, you HIT lunch. My grandmother won't even buy green bananas ....it's an investment you know, and maybe a bad one. It doesn't end there .... into the 90's you start going backwards...I was JUST 92... Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again .... "I'm 100 and a half!"
Password
During a company's recent password audit, it was found that a blonde employee was using the following password: "MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyWashington" When asked why she had such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital…
One too many flower shops
Some monks were running low on funds, but didn't want to close up their monastery. After much consideration, they decided to start selling the flowers they grew. Soon after opening up shop, business boomed, much to their delight. They had plenty of cash now for burlap and oatmeal and everything else good monks need.
Unfortunately, the town already HAD a flower shop. The disgruntled owner of the rival store tried everything -- having discount sales, spreading slander about the monks, and even poisoning the monks' flower beds. Unfortunately, they'd been blessed and nothing could stop their little business.
Finally, the rival shop owner sought out a much-rumored man: Hugh. No one knew his last name, just that he got the job done, no questions asked. After the appropriate amount of money had changed hands, Hugh went over to the friars' place, thoroughly beat them silly, and then destroyed their flower beds. The next day, the monks promptly boarded up the windows and closed shop permanently, thus proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his five-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: "Glory be unto the Faaaather.... and unto the Sonnnn ....and into the hole he gooooes."
Unbiased Opinions
My girlfriend took her five-year-old daughter shopping with her. The little girl watched her mother try on outfit after outfit, exclaiming every time, "Mommy, you look beautiful." A woman in the next fitting room called out, "May I borrow your daughter for a moment?"
The Proof
During basic training for the Army Nurse Corps, we were required to spend one week in the field roughing it. It rained the entire week. We arose daily in our swampy tent, took a cold-water beauty bath from our helmets, donned our pistol belts and ponchos, and trudged through the mud to set up field hospitals. Obviously, our personal appearance frequently left much to be desired. The final blow to our feminine pride occurred while we waited in the mess line in the mud and rain. A young private came by with a camera and asked to take our picture. "It will prove to my girlfriend," he said, "that she has NO reason to be jealous!"
Answering machine message
I dialed a number and got the following recording: "I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes."
A real person
Staffing the computer help desk for the local school district was my first job. And though I was just an intern, I took the job very seriously. But not every caller took me seriously. "Can I talk to a real person?" a caller asked. "I am real," I said. "Oh, I'm sorry," the caller said. "That was rude of me. What I meant to say was, could I talk to someone who actually knows something?"
Helping the environment
Trying to do my share for the environment, I set up a trash basket at my church and posted above it this suggestion: "Empty water bottles here." I should have been a little more specific, because when I went to check it later, I didn't find any bottles in it. But it was full of water.
Aging words
Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions. How old are you?...."I'm four and a half" ....You're never 36 and a half....you're four and a half going on five!
That's the key. You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number. How old are you? "I'm gonna be 16." You could be 12, but you're gonna be 16.
And then the greatest day of your life happens....you become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony....you BECOME 21...YES! But then you turn 30....ooohhh what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk....He TURNED, we had to throw him out. There's no fun now.
What's wrong?? What changed?? You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40...stay over there, it's all slipping away.... So you BECOME 21, you TURN 30, you're PUSHING 40, you REACH 50, you MAKE IT to 60 ...... then you build up so much speed you HIT 70! After that, it's a day by day thing. After that, you HIT Wednesday....You get into your 80's, you HIT lunch. My grandmother won't even buy green bananas ....it's an investment you know, and maybe a bad one. It doesn't end there .... into the 90's you start going backwards...I was JUST 92... Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again .... "I'm 100 and a half!"
Password
During a company's recent password audit, it was found that a blonde employee was using the following password: "MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyWashington" When asked why she had such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital…
One too many flower shops
Some monks were running low on funds, but didn't want to close up their monastery. After much consideration, they decided to start selling the flowers they grew. Soon after opening up shop, business boomed, much to their delight. They had plenty of cash now for burlap and oatmeal and everything else good monks need.
Unfortunately, the town already HAD a flower shop. The disgruntled owner of the rival store tried everything -- having discount sales, spreading slander about the monks, and even poisoning the monks' flower beds. Unfortunately, they'd been blessed and nothing could stop their little business.
Finally, the rival shop owner sought out a much-rumored man: Hugh. No one knew his last name, just that he got the job done, no questions asked. After the appropriate amount of money had changed hands, Hugh went over to the friars' place, thoroughly beat them silly, and then destroyed their flower beds. The next day, the monks promptly boarded up the windows and closed shop permanently, thus proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
Friday, August 20, 2010
Friday's Funnies
Five things you don't want to hear from Tech Support
1. "Duuuuuude! Bummer!"
2. "In layman's terms, we call that the Hindenburg Effect."
3. "Your problem can be fixed, but you're going to need a butter knife, a roll of duct tape and a car battery."
4. "Just a minute, please. MOM! Jimmy's hitting me again!"
Four Men in a Car
Four men rode in a car: a mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer, and a computer engineer. The car stalled out. The mechanical engineer said, "It must be the pistons; let's repair them and be on our way." The electrical engineer said, "It has to be the spark plugs; we'll replace them and be ready to roll in no time at all." The chemical engineer said. "No, it's got to be bad gas; we'll flush the system and be on our way." They turned to the computer engineer. "What do you think we should do?" they asked. The computer engineer shrugged and said, "Let's get out of the car, close the doors, then get back in and try restarting it."
Good For Business
A woman who had thrown a dinner party, at which raw oysters, curried lamb, and steamed mussels were all served, met her physician on the street the following day. "I'm sorry you weren't able to come to my party last night," she said. "You are so busy these days, and I think it would have done you some good to have been there." "Your party has done me good," he said. "I've just seen five of your dinner guests."
Cast Your Bread Upon The Waters
When entering a hotel (where she and her husband were staying), Gladys, a devout Baptist, noticed a shabbily dressed man lounging idly in front of the newspaper stand in the lobby. She noticed that several men stopped to talk to him and gave him a little money. He seemed so cheered by the encounters. She impulsively put ten dollars in an envelope, wrote "God Bless" on the outside, and handed it to him. The next day, the man stopped her on the street. "Here's your $250," he said, cheerily. "God Bless won, 25 to 1!"
How To Go
Playing around with my new iTouch, I decided to get directions to my son's base from my home in Maryland. So I typed "Wahiawa, Hawaii." I got turn-by-turn directions until I hit the coast. Then I was told, "Kayak across the Pacific Ocean entering Hawaii."
Checkmate
A man went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing chess with his dog. He watched the game in astonishment for a while. "I can hardly believe my eyes!" he exclaimed. "That's the smartest dog I've ever seen." "Nah, he's not so smart," the friend replied. "I've beaten him three games out of five."
Eat this root
2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root.
1000 A.D. - That root is heathen. Here, say this prayer.
1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition. Here, drink this potion.
1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil ,here, swallow this pill.
1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antibiotic.
2000 A.D. - That antibiotic doesn't work anymore. Here, eat this root.
The Dream
The school of agriculture's dean of admissions was interviewing a prospective student. "Why have you chosen this career?" he asked. "I dream of making a million dollars in farming, like my father," the student replied. "Your father made a million dollars in farming?!" echoed the dean, much impressed. "No," replied the applicant. "But he always dreamed of it."
Record store
A woman meant to call a record store but dialed the wrong number and got a private home instead.
"Do you have 'Eyes of Blue' and 'A Love Supreme'?" she asked.
"Well, no," answered the puzzled homeowner. "But I have a wife and 11 children."
"Is that a record?" she inquired.
"I don't think so," replied the man, "but it's as close as I want to get."
Dental forms
At the dentist's office for oral surgery, I was handed a couple of forms to fill out. As I signed the first one, I joked with the receptionist, "Does this say that even if you pull my head completely off, I can't sue you?" "No, that's the next sheet. This one says you still have to pay us."
Your turn
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. 'If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.' Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, ' Ryan , you be Jesus!'
Directions
The Rev. Billy Graham tells of at time early in his career when he arrived in a small town to preach a sermon. Wanting to mail a letter, he asked a young boy where the post office was. When the boy told him, Rev. Graham thanked him and said, "If you'll come to the Baptist church this evening, you can hear me telling everyone how to get to Heaven."
"I don't think I'll be there," the boy said.
"And why is that may I ask?" Rev. Graham replied.
"You don't even know your way to the post office."
1. "Duuuuuude! Bummer!"
2. "In layman's terms, we call that the Hindenburg Effect."
3. "Your problem can be fixed, but you're going to need a butter knife, a roll of duct tape and a car battery."
4. "Just a minute, please. MOM! Jimmy's hitting me again!"
Four Men in a Car
Four men rode in a car: a mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer, and a computer engineer. The car stalled out. The mechanical engineer said, "It must be the pistons; let's repair them and be on our way." The electrical engineer said, "It has to be the spark plugs; we'll replace them and be ready to roll in no time at all." The chemical engineer said. "No, it's got to be bad gas; we'll flush the system and be on our way." They turned to the computer engineer. "What do you think we should do?" they asked. The computer engineer shrugged and said, "Let's get out of the car, close the doors, then get back in and try restarting it."
Good For Business
A woman who had thrown a dinner party, at which raw oysters, curried lamb, and steamed mussels were all served, met her physician on the street the following day. "I'm sorry you weren't able to come to my party last night," she said. "You are so busy these days, and I think it would have done you some good to have been there." "Your party has done me good," he said. "I've just seen five of your dinner guests."
Cast Your Bread Upon The Waters
When entering a hotel (where she and her husband were staying), Gladys, a devout Baptist, noticed a shabbily dressed man lounging idly in front of the newspaper stand in the lobby. She noticed that several men stopped to talk to him and gave him a little money. He seemed so cheered by the encounters. She impulsively put ten dollars in an envelope, wrote "God Bless" on the outside, and handed it to him. The next day, the man stopped her on the street. "Here's your $250," he said, cheerily. "God Bless won, 25 to 1!"
How To Go
Playing around with my new iTouch, I decided to get directions to my son's base from my home in Maryland. So I typed "Wahiawa, Hawaii." I got turn-by-turn directions until I hit the coast. Then I was told, "Kayak across the Pacific Ocean entering Hawaii."
Checkmate
A man went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing chess with his dog. He watched the game in astonishment for a while. "I can hardly believe my eyes!" he exclaimed. "That's the smartest dog I've ever seen." "Nah, he's not so smart," the friend replied. "I've beaten him three games out of five."
Eat this root
2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root.
1000 A.D. - That root is heathen. Here, say this prayer.
1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition. Here, drink this potion.
1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil ,here, swallow this pill.
1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antibiotic.
2000 A.D. - That antibiotic doesn't work anymore. Here, eat this root.
The Dream
The school of agriculture's dean of admissions was interviewing a prospective student. "Why have you chosen this career?" he asked. "I dream of making a million dollars in farming, like my father," the student replied. "Your father made a million dollars in farming?!" echoed the dean, much impressed. "No," replied the applicant. "But he always dreamed of it."
Record store
A woman meant to call a record store but dialed the wrong number and got a private home instead.
"Do you have 'Eyes of Blue' and 'A Love Supreme'?" she asked.
"Well, no," answered the puzzled homeowner. "But I have a wife and 11 children."
"Is that a record?" she inquired.
"I don't think so," replied the man, "but it's as close as I want to get."
Dental forms
At the dentist's office for oral surgery, I was handed a couple of forms to fill out. As I signed the first one, I joked with the receptionist, "Does this say that even if you pull my head completely off, I can't sue you?" "No, that's the next sheet. This one says you still have to pay us."
Your turn
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. 'If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.' Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, ' Ryan , you be Jesus!'
Directions
The Rev. Billy Graham tells of at time early in his career when he arrived in a small town to preach a sermon. Wanting to mail a letter, he asked a young boy where the post office was. When the boy told him, Rev. Graham thanked him and said, "If you'll come to the Baptist church this evening, you can hear me telling everyone how to get to Heaven."
"I don't think I'll be there," the boy said.
"And why is that may I ask?" Rev. Graham replied.
"You don't even know your way to the post office."
Friday, August 13, 2010
Friday's Funnies
Tidy Room
Unexpected guests were on the way, and my mother, an impeccable housekeeper, rushed around straightening up. She put my father and brother to work cleaning the guest bathroom. Later, when she went to inspect it, she was surprised that the once-cluttered room had been tidied up so quickly. Then she saw the note on the closed shower curtains. It read, "Thank you for not looking in the bathtub."
The Park Lady
A little girl asked her mother for a dollar to give to an old lady in the park. Her mother was touched by the child's kindness, and gave her the dollar. "There you are, my dear," said the mother. "But, tell me, isn't the lady able to work anymore?" "Oh yes," came the reply. "She sells candy."
For Women Only
• Reason to smile: Every 7 minutes of every day, someone in an aerobic class pulls a hamstring.
• Women over 50 don't have babies, because they would put them down and forget where they left them.
• One of life's mysteries is how a 2 lb. box of candy can make a woman gain 5 lbs.
• The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.
• Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes!
• I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.
• I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff.
• If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?
Proofreading is a dying art, wouldn't you say?
Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
They put in a correction the next day.
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Really? Ya think?
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing' lazy guys!
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!
War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya think?!
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!
Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge!
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren't they fat enough?!
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans!
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Did I read that right?
The Job Interview
Interviewer: "If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead, who would it be?"
Applicant: "The living one."
Grandpa's Promise
Grandpa was celebrating his 100th birthday and everybody complimented him on how athletic and well-preserved he appeared. "Gentlemen, I will tell you the secret of my success," he cackled. "I have been in the open air day after day for some 75 years now." The celebrants were impressed and asked how he managed to keep up his rigorous fitness regime. "Well, you see my wife and I were married 75 years ago. On our wedding night, we made a solemn pledge. Whenever we had a fight, the one who was judged to be wrong would go outside and take a walk."
Unexpected guests were on the way, and my mother, an impeccable housekeeper, rushed around straightening up. She put my father and brother to work cleaning the guest bathroom. Later, when she went to inspect it, she was surprised that the once-cluttered room had been tidied up so quickly. Then she saw the note on the closed shower curtains. It read, "Thank you for not looking in the bathtub."
The Park Lady
A little girl asked her mother for a dollar to give to an old lady in the park. Her mother was touched by the child's kindness, and gave her the dollar. "There you are, my dear," said the mother. "But, tell me, isn't the lady able to work anymore?" "Oh yes," came the reply. "She sells candy."
For Women Only
• Reason to smile: Every 7 minutes of every day, someone in an aerobic class pulls a hamstring.
• Women over 50 don't have babies, because they would put them down and forget where they left them.
• One of life's mysteries is how a 2 lb. box of candy can make a woman gain 5 lbs.
• The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.
• Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes!
• I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.
• I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff.
• If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?
Proofreading is a dying art, wouldn't you say?
Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
They put in a correction the next day.
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Really? Ya think?
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing' lazy guys!
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!
War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya think?!
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!
Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge!
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren't they fat enough?!
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans!
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Did I read that right?
The Job Interview
Interviewer: "If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead, who would it be?"
Applicant: "The living one."
Grandpa's Promise
Grandpa was celebrating his 100th birthday and everybody complimented him on how athletic and well-preserved he appeared. "Gentlemen, I will tell you the secret of my success," he cackled. "I have been in the open air day after day for some 75 years now." The celebrants were impressed and asked how he managed to keep up his rigorous fitness regime. "Well, you see my wife and I were married 75 years ago. On our wedding night, we made a solemn pledge. Whenever we had a fight, the one who was judged to be wrong would go outside and take a walk."
Friday, August 6, 2010
Friday's Funnies
Three Expectant Fathers
Three expectant fathers were in the waiting room. The nurse came out of the delivery room and announced to one of the fathers that he was the father of twins. He was delighted and said what a coincidence, since he was a member of the Minnesota Twins team. A little later the nurse came out again and said to the next father, congratulations, your wife just had triplets. He was so a happy - and said isn't that a coincidence - I work for 3M. The other father took off like a shot - the nurse ran after him saying where are you going? Over his shoulder, the nurse heard him mumbling something about his work at 7UP.
Basketball Game
After a recent college basketball game, the coach spotted a cell phone lying on the floor. He picked it up and handed it to one of the referees, saying, "Here's your phone." "What makes you think it's mine?" the ref asked. "Easy," the coach replied. "It says you missed 13 calls."
Trying To Please
"Sir, I understand you admit to having broken into the dress shop four times," the judge said. "Yes, Your Honor," the suspect replied. "What did you steal?" the judge asked. "I stole a dress, Your Honor," replied the suspect. "One dress?" the judge bellowed. "But you have admitted to breaking in four times!" "Yes, Your Honor," sighed the suspect, "but the first three times my wife didn't like the color!"
Exemplary Congregant
The pastor said to Mr. Smith, one of his long-time parishioners, "Thank you, Mr. Smith, for attending our church. I wish I had twenty parishioners like you." "Gosh, it's nice to hear that, Pastor, but I'm kind of surprised," admitted Smith. "You know that I complain about every sermon and hardly ever give money." The pastor said, "I'd still like twenty parishioners like you. The problem is, I have two hundred."
Thought For Today
If God wanted us to use the metric system, He would have given us ten fingers and ten toes.
World's Shortest Books
THINGS I DID TO DESERVE THE NOBEL PEACE PRIZE by Barack Obama
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT MY COUNTRY by Jane Fonda & Cindy Sheehan / Illustrated by Michael Moore
MY CHRISTIAN ACCOMPLISHMENTS & HOW I HELPED AFTER KATRINA by Rev Jesse Jackson & Rev Al Sharpton
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL by Hillary Clinton
Sequel: THINGS I LOVE ABOUT HILLARY By Bill Clinton
THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD by Bill Gates
THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY by Dennis Rodman
THINGS WE KNOW TO BE TRUE by Al Gore & John Kerry
GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC by Amelia Earhart
HOW TO LIVE LIFE TO THE FULLEST by Dr. Jack Kevorkian
THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS by O. J. Simpson
HOW TO DRINK & DRIVE SAFELY by Ted Kennedy
MY BOOK OF MORALS by Bill Clinton with introduction by the Rev. Jesse Jackson
And just added:
MY COMPLETE KNOWLEDGE OF MILITARY STRATEGY by Nancy Pelosi
Attention Shoppers
"Memo to the people who leave their shopping carts in the check-out line while running to get an item they forgot: I'm the one who puts all of the extra items in there while you're away."
Roses
As he was standing in line at the grocery store checkout counter, a friend of John's noticed he was purchasing a dozen roses and a card. "You in trouble with Jill?" the friend asked John. "Nope!" was John's reply. "Preventive maintenance."
The Passport Photo
Unfortunately, getting a new passport required a new photo. As I handed my ten-year-old passport and the new picture to the clerk, I sighed. "I like the original better," I told her. "Trust me," she said. "Ten years from now, you'll like this one."
Feeling Fine
I am passing this on to you because it definitely works and we could all use a little more calmness in our lives. By following simple advice I heard on TV, you too can find inner peace. Dr. Oz proclaimed, "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started and have never finished." So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of cola, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos, and a box of chocolates. You have no idea how good I feel right now.
Three expectant fathers were in the waiting room. The nurse came out of the delivery room and announced to one of the fathers that he was the father of twins. He was delighted and said what a coincidence, since he was a member of the Minnesota Twins team. A little later the nurse came out again and said to the next father, congratulations, your wife just had triplets. He was so a happy - and said isn't that a coincidence - I work for 3M. The other father took off like a shot - the nurse ran after him saying where are you going? Over his shoulder, the nurse heard him mumbling something about his work at 7UP.
Basketball Game
After a recent college basketball game, the coach spotted a cell phone lying on the floor. He picked it up and handed it to one of the referees, saying, "Here's your phone." "What makes you think it's mine?" the ref asked. "Easy," the coach replied. "It says you missed 13 calls."
Trying To Please
"Sir, I understand you admit to having broken into the dress shop four times," the judge said. "Yes, Your Honor," the suspect replied. "What did you steal?" the judge asked. "I stole a dress, Your Honor," replied the suspect. "One dress?" the judge bellowed. "But you have admitted to breaking in four times!" "Yes, Your Honor," sighed the suspect, "but the first three times my wife didn't like the color!"
Exemplary Congregant
The pastor said to Mr. Smith, one of his long-time parishioners, "Thank you, Mr. Smith, for attending our church. I wish I had twenty parishioners like you." "Gosh, it's nice to hear that, Pastor, but I'm kind of surprised," admitted Smith. "You know that I complain about every sermon and hardly ever give money." The pastor said, "I'd still like twenty parishioners like you. The problem is, I have two hundred."
Thought For Today
If God wanted us to use the metric system, He would have given us ten fingers and ten toes.
World's Shortest Books
THINGS I DID TO DESERVE THE NOBEL PEACE PRIZE by Barack Obama
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT MY COUNTRY by Jane Fonda & Cindy Sheehan / Illustrated by Michael Moore
MY CHRISTIAN ACCOMPLISHMENTS & HOW I HELPED AFTER KATRINA by Rev Jesse Jackson & Rev Al Sharpton
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL by Hillary Clinton
Sequel: THINGS I LOVE ABOUT HILLARY By Bill Clinton
THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD by Bill Gates
THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY by Dennis Rodman
THINGS WE KNOW TO BE TRUE by Al Gore & John Kerry
GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC by Amelia Earhart
HOW TO LIVE LIFE TO THE FULLEST by Dr. Jack Kevorkian
THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS by O. J. Simpson
HOW TO DRINK & DRIVE SAFELY by Ted Kennedy
MY BOOK OF MORALS by Bill Clinton with introduction by the Rev. Jesse Jackson
And just added:
MY COMPLETE KNOWLEDGE OF MILITARY STRATEGY by Nancy Pelosi
Attention Shoppers
"Memo to the people who leave their shopping carts in the check-out line while running to get an item they forgot: I'm the one who puts all of the extra items in there while you're away."
Roses
As he was standing in line at the grocery store checkout counter, a friend of John's noticed he was purchasing a dozen roses and a card. "You in trouble with Jill?" the friend asked John. "Nope!" was John's reply. "Preventive maintenance."
The Passport Photo
Unfortunately, getting a new passport required a new photo. As I handed my ten-year-old passport and the new picture to the clerk, I sighed. "I like the original better," I told her. "Trust me," she said. "Ten years from now, you'll like this one."
Feeling Fine
I am passing this on to you because it definitely works and we could all use a little more calmness in our lives. By following simple advice I heard on TV, you too can find inner peace. Dr. Oz proclaimed, "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started and have never finished." So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of cola, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos, and a box of chocolates. You have no idea how good I feel right now.
Friday, July 16, 2010
Friday's Funnies
Mysterious Auto Noises
An auto mechanic received a repair order that said to check for a clunking noise when going around corners. He took the car out for a test drive and made two right turns, each time hearing a loud clunk. Back at the shop, he returned the car to the service manager with this note: "Removed bowling ball from trunk."
Fear Not
A man was seen fleeing down the hall of the hospital just before his operation. "What's the matter?" a friend asked him. "I just heard the nurse say, ‘It's a very simple operation, don't worry, I'm sure it will be all right." "She was just trying to comfort you," the friend assured him, adding, "What's so frightening about that?" "She wasn't talking to me. She was talking to the doctor."
The Hereafter
"Do you believe in the hereafter?" the minister asked a lady. "I certainly do," she replied. "I often go into a room and say, ‘What am I here after?'"
What Matters
A city slicker came to a fork in a country road. "Hey, old-timer," he shouted to a farmer who was working out in his field. "I'm headed to Brownsville. Does it make any difference which road I take?" The old man looked at him and said, "Not to me, it don't."
Show & Tell
A kindergarten teacher gave her class a "show and tell" assignment. Each student was instructed to bring in an object to share with the class that represented their religion. The first student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Benjamin and I am Jewish and this is a Star of David." The second student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Mary. I'm a Catholic and this is a Rosary." The third student got in up front of the class and said, "My name is Tommy. I am a Baptist and this is a casserole."
A Word of Advice
"Laugh a little each day — it's better than chicken soup." At least that's what the chickens say.
Dark Parachute Jumps
Nights in England are coal black, making parachute jumps difficult and dangerous. So we attach small lights called chemlites to our jumpsuits to make ourselves visible to the rest of our team. Late one night, lost after a practice jump, we knocked on the door of a small cottage. When a woman answered, she was greeted by the sight of five men festooned in glowing chemlites. "Excuse me," I said. "Can you tell me where we are?" In a thick English accent, the woman replied, "Earth!"
Who's To Blame?
A village pastor, known for his weakness for trout, preached against fishing on Sunday. The next day one of his members presented him with a fine string of fish and said, hesitatingly, "I guess I ought to tell you, parson, that those trout were caught on Sunday." The minister hesitated, gazed appreciatively at the speckled trout, and then said piously as he reached for his gift, "The fish aren't to blame for that."
The Meeting
After a long, dry sermon, the minister announced that he wished to meet with the church board after the service. The first man to arrive was a stranger. "You misunderstood my announcement. This is a meeting of the board," said the minister. "I know," said the man. "If there is anyone here more bored than I am, I'd like to meet him."
Raving on
Some outlaws compose their own punchlines, but Malcolm Roberts chose one from his hero. The 59-year-old Briton may lose his home for jamming out to old Buddy Holly tunes too loudly. Roberts says he won't turn down the volume when he cranks out songs by the classic rock 'n' roller in his Leeds apartment. Elderly neighbors complained about the incessant and loud guitar music, and the community association has pledged to kick him out if he doesn't desist. When given the ultimatum to turn down or pack up, the Yorkshire Evening Post reported that Roberts quoted Holly: "That'll be the day when I die."
Trash into treasure
Was Doc Brown of Back to the Future fame onto something when he redesigned the flux capacitor to operate on household waste? Jeff Surma, president of Integrated Environmental Technologies, thinks so. After a few years of development, IET created a device that can turn most rubbish into an alternative energy source. Using man-made lightning, the company can vaporize, not incinerate, about one ton of garbage into about five cubic feet of glass. When scientists at IET put a tennis shoe in their plasma melter, the device vaporized most of the shoe, leaving a small glass pellet that Surma says can be used as filler for road construction. As for the nearly four gallons of gas created by vaporizing the plastic shoe: Surma says that can be turned into an alternative fuel.
Useful Metric Conversions
• 1 million phones = 1 megaphone
• 2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds
• 10 cards = 1 decacards
• 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
• 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
• 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin
• 10 rations = 1 decoration
• 100 rations = 1 C-ration
• 10 millipedes = 1 centipede
• 3 1/3 tridents = 1 decadent
• 2 monograms = 1 diagram
• 8 nickels = 2 paradigms
• 2 wharves = 1 paradox
An auto mechanic received a repair order that said to check for a clunking noise when going around corners. He took the car out for a test drive and made two right turns, each time hearing a loud clunk. Back at the shop, he returned the car to the service manager with this note: "Removed bowling ball from trunk."
Fear Not
A man was seen fleeing down the hall of the hospital just before his operation. "What's the matter?" a friend asked him. "I just heard the nurse say, ‘It's a very simple operation, don't worry, I'm sure it will be all right." "She was just trying to comfort you," the friend assured him, adding, "What's so frightening about that?" "She wasn't talking to me. She was talking to the doctor."
The Hereafter
"Do you believe in the hereafter?" the minister asked a lady. "I certainly do," she replied. "I often go into a room and say, ‘What am I here after?'"
What Matters
A city slicker came to a fork in a country road. "Hey, old-timer," he shouted to a farmer who was working out in his field. "I'm headed to Brownsville. Does it make any difference which road I take?" The old man looked at him and said, "Not to me, it don't."
Show & Tell
A kindergarten teacher gave her class a "show and tell" assignment. Each student was instructed to bring in an object to share with the class that represented their religion. The first student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Benjamin and I am Jewish and this is a Star of David." The second student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Mary. I'm a Catholic and this is a Rosary." The third student got in up front of the class and said, "My name is Tommy. I am a Baptist and this is a casserole."
A Word of Advice
"Laugh a little each day — it's better than chicken soup." At least that's what the chickens say.
Dark Parachute Jumps
Nights in England are coal black, making parachute jumps difficult and dangerous. So we attach small lights called chemlites to our jumpsuits to make ourselves visible to the rest of our team. Late one night, lost after a practice jump, we knocked on the door of a small cottage. When a woman answered, she was greeted by the sight of five men festooned in glowing chemlites. "Excuse me," I said. "Can you tell me where we are?" In a thick English accent, the woman replied, "Earth!"
Who's To Blame?
A village pastor, known for his weakness for trout, preached against fishing on Sunday. The next day one of his members presented him with a fine string of fish and said, hesitatingly, "I guess I ought to tell you, parson, that those trout were caught on Sunday." The minister hesitated, gazed appreciatively at the speckled trout, and then said piously as he reached for his gift, "The fish aren't to blame for that."
The Meeting
After a long, dry sermon, the minister announced that he wished to meet with the church board after the service. The first man to arrive was a stranger. "You misunderstood my announcement. This is a meeting of the board," said the minister. "I know," said the man. "If there is anyone here more bored than I am, I'd like to meet him."
Raving on
Some outlaws compose their own punchlines, but Malcolm Roberts chose one from his hero. The 59-year-old Briton may lose his home for jamming out to old Buddy Holly tunes too loudly. Roberts says he won't turn down the volume when he cranks out songs by the classic rock 'n' roller in his Leeds apartment. Elderly neighbors complained about the incessant and loud guitar music, and the community association has pledged to kick him out if he doesn't desist. When given the ultimatum to turn down or pack up, the Yorkshire Evening Post reported that Roberts quoted Holly: "That'll be the day when I die."
Trash into treasure
Was Doc Brown of Back to the Future fame onto something when he redesigned the flux capacitor to operate on household waste? Jeff Surma, president of Integrated Environmental Technologies, thinks so. After a few years of development, IET created a device that can turn most rubbish into an alternative energy source. Using man-made lightning, the company can vaporize, not incinerate, about one ton of garbage into about five cubic feet of glass. When scientists at IET put a tennis shoe in their plasma melter, the device vaporized most of the shoe, leaving a small glass pellet that Surma says can be used as filler for road construction. As for the nearly four gallons of gas created by vaporizing the plastic shoe: Surma says that can be turned into an alternative fuel.
Useful Metric Conversions
• 1 million phones = 1 megaphone
• 2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds
• 10 cards = 1 decacards
• 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
• 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
• 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin
• 10 rations = 1 decoration
• 100 rations = 1 C-ration
• 10 millipedes = 1 centipede
• 3 1/3 tridents = 1 decadent
• 2 monograms = 1 diagram
• 8 nickels = 2 paradigms
• 2 wharves = 1 paradox
Friday, July 9, 2010
Friday's Funnies
Sprechen Sie Was?
"I just returned from Germany and had the most wonderful time," bubbled Ginger to her friends. "I thought, before you left, you said you were having trouble with your German," Melody said. "No, not at all. It was the Germans who had trouble with it."
Travel Papers
"What kinds of papers do I need to travel to Europe?" a youth asked a travel agent. "Basically, a passport and a visa." "I have the passport, no problem. Do you think they'll accept MasterCard?"
Bedtime Issues
"What's the most difficult age to get a child to sleep regularly?" a new mother asked an older veteran of child rearing. Her response was quick: "About seventeen years."
Time Weighs Heavy
A man was lugging a grandfather clock from an antique shop to his car, three blocks away. Swaggering under the load with each step, unable to see directly in front of him, he accidentally bumped an elderly couple heading in his direction on the sidewalk. "I'm so sorry," he apologized, turning awkwardly toward them. The couple glared at him angrily. The woman snapped, "Why don't you wear a wristwatch, like everyone else?"
Roses
The young man ahead of my father at the flower shop was taking an unusually long time to place his order. When the clerk asked how she could help, he explained that his girlfriend was turning 19 and he couldn't decide whether to give her a dozen roses or 19 roses -- one for each year of her life. The woman put aside her business judgment and advised, "She may be your 19-year-old girlfriend now, but someday she could be your 50-year-old wife." The young man bought a dozen roses.
Teacher's golf lesson
The school teacher was taking her first golfing lesson. "Is the word spelt p-u-t or p-u-t-t?' she asked the instructor. "P-u-t-t is correct,' he replied. "Put means to place a thing where you want it. Putt means merely a vain attempt to do the same thing."
How Canada got its name
The original name for Canada, dreamed up by a parliamentary committee in London, was "Cold North Dominion," but that was too long, so they abbreviated it to C.N.D. The King's Royal Governor presented the new name to the inhabitants, but they didn't say a word. "Well, what do you think?" asked the Royal Governor? "C, eh?" said the first fellow, and just looked at the Governor. "N, eh?" says the second guy. "D, eh?" says a third one. Then silence. "Hey," says the Governor. "I like that. It's a lot easier to pronounce when you spell it that way." And that's how Canada got its name.
You're Canadian if...
•You know how to pronounce and spell Saskatchewan without blinking
•You put on shorts as soon as it hits plus 10, even if there is still snow around
•You know what a tuque (toque?) is
•You are excited whenever an American television show mentions Canada
•You make a mental note to talk about it at work the next day
•You use a red pen on your non-Canadian textbooks and fill in the missing 'u's from labor, honor, and color
•You have Canadian Tire money in your kitchen drawers
•Pike is a type of fish, not some part of a highway
•You drive on a highway, not a freeway
•You know what a Robertson screwdriver is
•You understand the sentence, "Could you please pass me a serviette, I just spilled my poutine."
•You drink pop, not soda
•You love your fries with poutine
•You go to the washroom, not the restroom or bathroom
•Someone accidently stepped on your foot. You apologize.
•You stepped on someone's foot. You apologize, then apologize for making them apologize
•You have worn shorts and a parka at the same time
•"Eh" is a very important part of your vocabulary and you understand all the 1,000 different meanings of "eh", eh?
Literally Speaking
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?" "It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?" "University of Oklahoma," he yelled back.
Chatter Box
This couple was heading to the hospital with their 16-year-old daughter, who was scheduled to undergo a tonsillectomy. During the ride they talked about the procedure. "Dad," the teenager asked, "how are they going to keep my mouth open during surgery?" Without hesitation her father quipped, "They're going to give you a phone."
New Technology
With all the new technology regarding fertility, an 88-year-old woman was able to give birth to a baby recently. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, various relatives came to visit. "May we see the new baby?" one of them asked. "Not yet," said the mother. "I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first." Another half hour passed before another relative asked, "May we see the new baby now?" "No, not yet," said the mother. A while later and again the guests asked, "May we see the baby now?" "No, not yet," replied the mother. Growing impatient, they asked, "Well, when can we see the baby?" "When she cries!" she told them. "When she cries?" they gasped. "Why do we have to wait until she cries?" "Because, I forgot where I put her."
"I just returned from Germany and had the most wonderful time," bubbled Ginger to her friends. "I thought, before you left, you said you were having trouble with your German," Melody said. "No, not at all. It was the Germans who had trouble with it."
Travel Papers
"What kinds of papers do I need to travel to Europe?" a youth asked a travel agent. "Basically, a passport and a visa." "I have the passport, no problem. Do you think they'll accept MasterCard?"
Bedtime Issues
"What's the most difficult age to get a child to sleep regularly?" a new mother asked an older veteran of child rearing. Her response was quick: "About seventeen years."
Time Weighs Heavy
A man was lugging a grandfather clock from an antique shop to his car, three blocks away. Swaggering under the load with each step, unable to see directly in front of him, he accidentally bumped an elderly couple heading in his direction on the sidewalk. "I'm so sorry," he apologized, turning awkwardly toward them. The couple glared at him angrily. The woman snapped, "Why don't you wear a wristwatch, like everyone else?"
Roses
The young man ahead of my father at the flower shop was taking an unusually long time to place his order. When the clerk asked how she could help, he explained that his girlfriend was turning 19 and he couldn't decide whether to give her a dozen roses or 19 roses -- one for each year of her life. The woman put aside her business judgment and advised, "She may be your 19-year-old girlfriend now, but someday she could be your 50-year-old wife." The young man bought a dozen roses.
Teacher's golf lesson
The school teacher was taking her first golfing lesson. "Is the word spelt p-u-t or p-u-t-t?' she asked the instructor. "P-u-t-t is correct,' he replied. "Put means to place a thing where you want it. Putt means merely a vain attempt to do the same thing."
How Canada got its name
The original name for Canada, dreamed up by a parliamentary committee in London, was "Cold North Dominion," but that was too long, so they abbreviated it to C.N.D. The King's Royal Governor presented the new name to the inhabitants, but they didn't say a word. "Well, what do you think?" asked the Royal Governor? "C, eh?" said the first fellow, and just looked at the Governor. "N, eh?" says the second guy. "D, eh?" says a third one. Then silence. "Hey," says the Governor. "I like that. It's a lot easier to pronounce when you spell it that way." And that's how Canada got its name.
You're Canadian if...
•You know how to pronounce and spell Saskatchewan without blinking
•You put on shorts as soon as it hits plus 10, even if there is still snow around
•You know what a tuque (toque?) is
•You are excited whenever an American television show mentions Canada
•You make a mental note to talk about it at work the next day
•You use a red pen on your non-Canadian textbooks and fill in the missing 'u's from labor, honor, and color
•You have Canadian Tire money in your kitchen drawers
•Pike is a type of fish, not some part of a highway
•You drive on a highway, not a freeway
•You know what a Robertson screwdriver is
•You understand the sentence, "Could you please pass me a serviette, I just spilled my poutine."
•You drink pop, not soda
•You love your fries with poutine
•You go to the washroom, not the restroom or bathroom
•Someone accidently stepped on your foot. You apologize.
•You stepped on someone's foot. You apologize, then apologize for making them apologize
•You have worn shorts and a parka at the same time
•"Eh" is a very important part of your vocabulary and you understand all the 1,000 different meanings of "eh", eh?
Literally Speaking
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?" "It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?" "University of Oklahoma," he yelled back.
Chatter Box
This couple was heading to the hospital with their 16-year-old daughter, who was scheduled to undergo a tonsillectomy. During the ride they talked about the procedure. "Dad," the teenager asked, "how are they going to keep my mouth open during surgery?" Without hesitation her father quipped, "They're going to give you a phone."
New Technology
With all the new technology regarding fertility, an 88-year-old woman was able to give birth to a baby recently. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, various relatives came to visit. "May we see the new baby?" one of them asked. "Not yet," said the mother. "I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first." Another half hour passed before another relative asked, "May we see the new baby now?" "No, not yet," said the mother. A while later and again the guests asked, "May we see the baby now?" "No, not yet," replied the mother. Growing impatient, they asked, "Well, when can we see the baby?" "When she cries!" she told them. "When she cries?" they gasped. "Why do we have to wait until she cries?" "Because, I forgot where I put her."
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