Friday's Funnies

Uh...

A teacher was telling her class about plant names that have the word "dog" in them: dog-rose, dogwood, dog violet. She asked the class if they could name another flower with the preface "dog." Steven raised his hand and said, "How about a 'collie' flower!"

Shopping Advice

Kathy was shopping in the mall with her two children and a display in the window of a lingerie store caught her eye. "Do you think Daddy would like this?" she asked the kids, as she pointed to the lacy pajamas with matching robe. "No way," four-year-old Ryan replied. "Daddy would NEVER wear that!"

Bachelor Cooking

Two confirmed bachelors were sitting and talking. Their conversation drifted from sports to cooking. "I got a cookbook once," said the first, "but I could never do anything with it." "Too much fancy cooking in it?" asked the second. "You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way, 'Take a clean dish and...'"

Shorts

• Yeah, I'm a bird lover. Mostly chicken. Mostly fried.
• I'm not fat, I'm just easier to see.
• Never judge people by their relatives.
• Money used to talk. Then it whispered. Now it just sneaks off.

Faith

An old pastor stood in his pulpit addressing the congregation about the drought that had lasted for at least eight months. As all stood filled with faith, he told the congregation they would gather that night for prayer. "Folks we are going to pray for rain so come prepared to see God move in a great way." That night as many assembled the old pastor stood and asked a simple question. "Folks, where are your umbrellas?"

Life After Death

"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees.  "Yes, Sir." the new recruit replied.  "Well, then, that makes everything just fine," the boss went on. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you."

Diplomacy

A married couple checked in at the Korean Air counter to pick up their tickets. As the smiling Korean woman processed their tickets, the wife asked, "Are these good seats?" "They are very good seats," the airline worker replied. "You will be sitting next to a handsome gentleman, and your companion will be seated beside a beautiful lady."

One Liners

• If God had intended us to fly, he would have made it easier to get to the airport.
• Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
• Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
• The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with watches you from the mirror every morning.
• I was stunned last night when my wife told me I was too wrapped up in myself. When did I get a wife?

Life's Little Lessons

"I was in a customer's home one afternoon and while I was talking to the customer, their 4 year old little girl whose name was Michelle, tugged on my pants leg and excitedly exclaimed, "I got a new bicycle, do you want to see it?" I said, "Sure Michelle." So off to the backyard we went. Upon getting into the backyard, I saw a brand new girl's bicycle. "Wow, Michelle! That's a beautiful bicycle." I complimented. "Can you ride it?" "Yeah, I can ride it," she said, then with a sad face she pouted, "but it's broke." I looked at the new bicycle and couldn't see anything wrong with it, so I asked her, "What's wrong with it?" "I don't know," she shrugged, "but every time I ride it, it falls down!"

Actual Notes Reportedly Found On Hospital Patient Charts

• She is numb from her toes down.
• Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
• Patient was alert and unresponsive.
• She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
• I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
• Skin: somewhat pale but present.
• Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
• Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
• Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

You Look Terrible

A friend bumped into his pirate buddy on the street, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."  "What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."  "What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."  "Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannonball, but I'm fine now." "Well, okay, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"  "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off, I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really." "What about that eye patch?"  "Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over, I looked up and one of them pooped in my eye." "You're kidding," said the friend, "You couldn't lose an eye just from that!" "It was my first day with the hook."

Today’s Thought

Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now am the proud owner of Aisle 4.

Friday's Funnies

Parking Place

John was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.   Looking up toward heaven, he said, "Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to church every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up beer."  Just then a parking place miraculously appeared!  John looked up again and said, "Never mind. I found one!"

On Trial

A motorist was on trial for striking a pedestrian.  The motorist's lawyer made this point: "Your honor, my client has been driving for over thirty years."  To which the lawyer for the plaintiff retorted: "Your honor, if we are going to judge this case by experience, may I remind you that my client has been walking for over 55 years!"

Morning Health Check

Nurse: Good morning Mr. Frobisher, you seem to be coughing much more easily this morning.
Mr. Frobisher: That's because I've been practicing all night.

Proverbs

• He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
• Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
• A day without sunshine is like ... night.
• On the other hand, you have different fingers.
• I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
• Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
• You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted and then used against you.
• I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
• Honk if you love peace and quiet.
• Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
• You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
• The latest surveys concluded that 3 out of 4 people make up 75 percent of the world's population.
• A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
• Scientists have discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
• I started out with nothing and I still have most of it.

Wedding Anniversary

On our 25th anniversary, my husband took me out to dinner. Our teenage daughters said they'd have dessert waiting for us when we returned. After we got home, we saw that the dining room table was beautifully set with china, crystal and candles, and there was a note that read: "Your dessert is in the refrigerator. We are staying with friends, so go ahead and do something we wouldn't do!"  "I suppose," my husband responded, "we could vacuum."

Things The Professor Says And What He Really Means

Today we'll let a member of the class lead the discussion. It will be a good educational experience.

(I stayed out too late last night and didn't have time to prepare a lecture.)

The gist of what the author is saying is what's most important.

(I don't understand the details either.)

The test scores were generally good.

(Some of you managed a C)

Some of you could have done better.

(Everyone failed.)

It's been very rewarding to teach this class.

(I hope they find someone else to teach it next year.)

Medical Treatment

An old geezer who was a retired farmer for a long time became very bored in retirement and decided to open a medical clinic. He put up a sign outside that said: "Dr. Geezer's Clinic. Get your treatment for $500, and if not cured, get back $1,000!"  Doctor Young, who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000. So he visited Dr. Geezer's clinic.

Dr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I've lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?"

Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."

Dr. Young: “Aaagh !! -- This is gasoline!"

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations!  You've got your taste back. That will be $500."

Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.

Dr. Young: "I’ve lost my memory, I can’t remember anything."

Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."

Dr. Young: "Oh, no you don't, that’s gasoline!"

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back! That will be $500."

Dr. Young (after losing $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.

Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak --- I can hardly see anything!"

Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so here's your $1000 back," and handed him a $10 bill.

Dr. Young: "But this is only $10!"

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."

Today’s Thought

I was going to give him a nasty look, but he already had one.

Friday's Funnies

Happy Easter...

Jesus had no servants, yet they called Him Master.

Had no degree, yet they called Him Teacher.

Had no medicines, yet they called Him Healer.

Had no army, yet kings feared Him.

He won no military battles, yet He conquered the world.

He committed no crime, yet they crucified Him.

He was buried in a tomb, yet He lives today.

Easter Thoughts

~ Have you ever wondered, since eggs become so much more appealing to kids when you color them and hide them, if that would also work for broccoli?

~ When I was a kid I hated wearing a suit on Easter Sunday. I always thought it was hard to praise the Lord when you felt like a mannequin.

~ Have you ever noticed on Easter how husbands tend to hide the Cadbury Creme Eggs where only they can find them?

~ Our son is hard to please. He likes those candy Easter eggs, but he wants them scrambled.

~ Today’s money-saving Easter tip: Make the kid's plastic Easter basket grass yourself — just run a trash bag through the pasta maker.

~ The Easter Bunny must be a teenager. Who else would think it's cool to leave eggs in shoes?

~ Did you ever wonder why we always leave cookies and milk out for Santa Claus, but we never leave a salad out for the Easter Bunny?

~ Sunday is Easter, a time to celebrate new life with maybe a new outfit, an Easter egg hunt, or just a prayer of thanksgiving and a warm feeling. And I know somehow, somewhere, before the day is over, I'm gonna consume an entire chocolate bunny.

Easter Bunny

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.  The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is the Easter Bunny, and he is DEAD.  The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry. A woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.  "I feel terrible," he explains, "I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny with my car and KILLED HIM."   The woman says, "Don't worry." She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead Easter Bunny, bends down, and sprays the contents on to him. The Easter Bunny jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road!  Ten feet away he stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.  The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on the Easter Bunny?"   The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label: "Hair Spray: Restores life to dead hair, and adds permanent wave."

You're Not a Kid Anymore When... (according to Jeff Foxworthy)

• You consider coffee one of the more important things in life.
• You actually enjoy watching the news.
• The phone rings and you hope it's not for you.
• The only reason you're still awake at 4 am is indigestion.
• People ask what color your hair USED to be.
• You start singing along with the elevator music.
• You really do want a new washing machine for your birthday.
• Your car has four doors.
• You routinely check the oil in your car.
• You've owned clothes so long that they've come back into style TWICE.
• You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
• 7 AM is your idea of "sleeping in."
• You write "thank you" notes without being told.

Definitely Not Another Blonde Story  (Well, Maybe)

A young woman received a phone call in the office where she worked and burst into tears. Her boss asked what was wrong. She said, "I just got a call that my mom died." The boss compassionately told her to take a couple days off. As she was clearing her desk the phone rang again. She answered it and promptly broke down crying. The boss asked her, "What's wrong now?" She said, "My sister just called and told me that her mom died too!"

Random Observations

• My insurance is like a hospital gown... You are not as well covered as you think you are.
• I went into a pet shop the other day and the owner tried to sell me a spider, but I checked on the internet and it would have been cheaper to buy it on the web.
• People think I'm obsessed by awards. That's ridiculous, as I was telling my children Oscar, Emmy and Tony the other day.

Today’s Thought

My goal for 2017 was to lose 10 pounds.  Only 15 pounds to go.