Friday's Funnies

Black Friday

A day Americans are willing to kill over materialistic things just a day after celebrating what they're already thankful for.

One day you're thankful for everything you have then the next day you're fighting over TVs & stuff on sale Black Friday.

Black Friday = The Day People Spend Money They Don't Have On Things They Don't Need.

It's Black Friday and the mall is packed with shoppers and Steve can't find his wife. Steve goes up to a very attractive woman and says 'Excuse me, can you help me? I cannot see my wife, and I know that she is here in the shopping mall somewhere. Can you just talk to me for a couple of minutes?" The attractive woman replies "Why?" Steve replies "Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife materializes out of thin air."

A small business owner was dismayed when a brand new corporate chain much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read BEST BLACK FRIDAY DEALS. He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading LOWEST BLACK FRIDAY PRICES. The small business owner panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop-it read... MAIN ENTRANCE.

What do Black Friday shoppers and the Thanksgiving turkey have in common? They know what it's like to be jammed into a small place and stuffed!

How can you tell which one of your friends got a good Black Friday deal? Don't worry they'll let you know.

What flies faster than items off the rack on Black Friday? Credit card payment slips!

Why do Americans go shopping on Black Friday? They are thankful they survived Thanksgiving's feast.

Why do they call the day after Thanksgiving "Black Friday"? It matches the mood of all those unhappy bloated shoppers.

What I've Learned

During their 50th anniversary wedding celebration at a banquet in their honor, my dad was asked to give a brief account of the benefits achieved from being married for so long. My father stood up, thought for a long moment, then said, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, meekness, forbearance, self-restraint, forgiveness, and...." he paused. "And?" someone cried out from the back of the room. "...and a great many other qualities you wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed single!" my father exclaimed. The room erupted in laughter.

So That's How It Works

One day our professor was discussing a particularly complicated concept. A pre-med student rudely interrupted to ask "Why do we have to study this stuff?" "To save lives," the professor responded and continued with the lecture. A few minutes later the same student spoke up again. "So, how does physics save lives?" he persisted. "It keeps the ignoramuses out of medical school," replied the professor.

New Surgical Techniques

A family was on its way to the hospital where the 16-year-old daughter was scheduled to undergo a tonsillectomy. During the ride, the teenager and her parents talked about how the procedure would be performed. "Dad," the teenager asked, "how are they going to keep my mouth open during the surgery?" Without hesitation, he said, "They're going to give you a phone."

Truths

·         Some minds are like concrete — all mixed up and permanently set.

·         Some people are wise. Some are otherwise.

·         The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

·         The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the road you put the stuff.

The Soup

WAITER: "Yes, sir, is there something wrong?"
CUSTOMER: "The soup. Taste it."
WAITER: "I beg your pardon, Sir?"
CUSTOMER: "Taste it."
WAITER: "But, Sir, I can assure you that the soup is excellent."
CUSTOMER: "Taste it."
WAITER: "Sir, the soup was made this morning of the finest ingredients."
CUSTOMER: "Taste it!"
WAITER: exasperated, "All right, Sir, I'll taste it." Then after a pause he said, "Where is the spoon?"
To which the customer replied triumphantly, "Ah ha!!"

Home Schooling

Q: How does a home schooler change a light bulb?

A: First, mom checks out three books at the library on electricity, then the kids make models of light bulbs, read a biography of Thomas Edison and do a skit based on his life. Next, everyone studies the history of lighting methods, wrapping up with dipping their own candles. Next, everyone takes a trip to the store where they compare types of light bulbs as well as prices and figure out how much change they'll get if they buy two bulbs for $1.99 and pay with a five-dollar bill. On the way home, a discussion develops over the history of money and also Abraham Lincoln, as his picture is on the five-dollar bill. Finally, after building a homemade ladder out of branches dragged from the woods, the light bulb is installed. And there is light.

Today’s Thought

If I can lose just 20 pounds, I'll be down to the weight I never thought I'd be up to.

Friday's Funnies

Say What?

A couple's happy married life almost went on the rocks because of the presence in the household of old Aunt Emma. For seventeen long years she lived with them, always crotchety, always demanding. Eventually, the old girl passed away. On the way back from the cemetery, the husband confessed to his wife, "Darling, if I didn't love you so much, I don't think I would have put up with having your Aunt Emma in the house all those years." His wife looked at him aghast. "My Aunt Emma!" she cried. "I thought she was 'your' Aunt Emma!"

Old Is...

• I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I had any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!
• Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl-Alt-Delete' and start all over?
• Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
• My husband says I never listen to him. At least I think that's what he said.
• If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!
• Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells remain forever.

Birthdaze

~ She's discovered the secret of perpetual youth...she lies about her age.

~ She's been pressing 30 so long, it's pleated.

~ When it comes to telling her age, she's shy........about 10 years shy.

~ She wouldn't try so hard to conceal her age if her husband would act his.

~ I've stopped exercising...pushing 50 is enough exercise for me.

He's so old....

..he knew the Big Dipper when it was just a drinking cup.

..he knew Baskin Robbins when he only had 2 flavors

..he just got a prospectus from an old-age home marked "Urgent"

Daffynitions

~ Coffee: The person upon whom one coughs.

~ Flabbergasted: Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

~ Abdicate: To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

~ Lymph: To walk with a lisp.

~ Gargoyle: Olive-flavored mouthwash.

~ Flatulence: Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

~ Balderdash: A rapidly receding hairline.

~ Frisbeetarianism: The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

~ Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

~ Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

~ Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

~ Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

~ Arachnoleptic fit: The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

~ Caterpallor: The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

~ Impeccable: Having immunity to woodpeckers.

Driven to Distraction

I was driving to the office one morning, when I got a phone call from my boss. "You've been promoted" he said, and I was so surprised that I swerved.  A few minutes later, I got another call. "You've been given a raise." I was so excited that I swerved again.  Later I got a third call. "You've been made CEO." And I swerved again and ran into a tree.  As I was waiting there, I saw a policeman. "what happened?" he asked. "I careered off the road."

Seems Fair

A doctor calls his patient and says, "The check you gave me for my bill came back." The patient replied, "So did my arthritis!"

Today’s Thought

My wife and I have decided we don't want any children - if anybody else does we can drop them off tomorrows

Friday's Funnies

Witty Quotes About Elections

1. The problem with political jokes is they get elected. —Henry Cate, VII

2. I offer my opponents a bargain: if they will stop telling lies about us, I will stop telling the truth about them. —Adlai Stevenson

3. Why pay money to have your family tree traced; go into politics and your opponents will do it for you. —Author Unknown

4. George Washington is the only president who didn't blame the previous administration for his troubles. —Author Unknown

5. Bipartisan usually means that a larger-than-usual deception is being carried out. —George Carlin

6. There are always too many Democratic congressmen, too many Republican congressmen, and never enough US congressmen. —Author Unknown

7. We stand today at a crossroads: One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other leads to total extinction. Let us hope we have the wisdom to make the right choice. —Woody Allen

Genie

A guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand.  He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub to brush off the sand.  A genie appears and tells him he has been granted one wish.  The guy thinks for a moment and says, "I want to live forever.”  "Sorry," said the genie, "I'm not allowed to grant eternal life.”  "Okay, then, I want to die after Congress balances the budget and eliminates the debt.”  "You are a crafty little jerk," said the genie.

Public Servant

"Give me a sentence about a public servant," said the teacher.  The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant."  The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked.  "Sure," said the young student confidently. "It means 'carrying a child'."

What an Answer

Q. How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
A. Concrete floors are very hard to crack!

Q. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?
A. No time at all since it is already built.

Q. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in the other hand, what would you have?
A: Very large hands.

Q: How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
A: It is not a problem, since you will never find an elephant with one hand.

Q: How can a man go eight days without sleep?
A: He sleeps at night.

Q: Why it is impossible to send a telegram to Washington today?
A: Because he is dead.

Q: If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?
A: It becomes wet.

Q: What often falls but never gets hurt?
A: Rain

Q: What is that no man ever saw which never was but always will be ?
A: Tomorrow

Q: What looks like half an apple?
A: The other half.

Q: What gets wet with drying ?
A: A towel.

Q: What happened when wheel was invented?
A: It caused a revolution.

Q: Why does a bike rest on its leg?
A: Because it is too tired.

Aging

Three gentlemen were all born the same year and decided to go to lunch together to celebrate turning 50. They decided to go out to the local German restaurant because they had pretty waitresses.

The next time they decided to celebrate turning 60 years old and decided to go to the local German restaurant because the food was good.

The next time they decided to celebrate turning 70 years old and decided to go to the local German restaurant because it was handicapped accessible.

The next time they decided to celebrate turning 80 years old and decided to go to the local German restaurant because they had never been there before...

Today’s Thought

People seem to get nostalgic about a lot of things they weren't so crazy about the first time around.

Friday's Funnies

You are probably…

If you can start the day without caffeine, if you are always cheerful, if you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it, if you are understanding when your loved ones are too busy for you, if you never treat a rich friend better than a poor friend, if you face the world without lies and deceit, then you are probably the family dog!

Top Ten Signs You May Not Be Reading Your Bible Enough

10) The preacher announces the sermon is from Genesis . . .  and you check the table of contents.

9) You think Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob may have had a few hit songs during the 60s.

8) You open to the Gospel of Luke and a WWII Savings Bond falls out.

7) Your favorite Old Testament patriarch is Hercules.

6) A small family of woodchucks has taken up residence in the Psalms of your Bible.

5) You become frustrated because Charlton Heston isn't listed in either the Concordance or the Table of Contents.

4) Catching the kids reading the Song of Solomon, you demand: “Who gave you this stuff?”

3) You think the minor prophets worked in the quarries.

2) You keep falling for it every time when the pastor tells you to turn to First Condominiums.

1) The kids keep asking too many questions about your usual bedtime story: “Jonah, the Shepherd Boy, and His Ark of Many Colors.” 

Air-head

An air-head spies a letter lying on the doormat.  It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND."  The air-head spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.

Camouflage

A young soldier was up before his commanding officer for a reprimand.  After going through a list of his misdemeanors the CO says, "And another thing, I didn't see you in camouflage practice this morning."  "Thank you, Sir," the soldier replied.

Juggler

A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by a policeman.  "What are those machetes doing in your car?" asks the cop.  "I juggle them in my act."  "Oh, yeah?" says the doubtful cop. "Let's see you do it."   The juggler gets out and starts tossing and catching the knives. Another man driving by slows down to watch.  "Wow" says the passer-by. "I'm glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're giving now!

Statistically Verifiable

Research shows that 7/5th of all people do not understand fractions.

For All You Lexophiles (lovers of words) 

~ A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired.

~ What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.)

~ Time flies like an arrow -- Fruit flies like a banana.

~ A backward poet writes inverse.

~ In a democracy, it's your vote that counts; In feudalism, it's your count that votes.

~ If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

~ With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

~ Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.

~ When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

~ The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

~ A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blown apart. 

~ You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

~ He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

~ A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and 'taint mine.

~ A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

~ He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

~ The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

~ Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

~ When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

~ Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

~ Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

~ Acupuncture is a jab well done.

~ Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

Today’s Thought

If your mind goes blank, don't forget to turn off the sound.