The Ref
After a recent college basketball game, the coach spotted a cell phone lying on the floor. He picked it up and handed it to one of the referees, saying "Here's your phone." "What makes you think it's mine?" the ref asked. "Easy," the coach replied. "It says you missed 13 calls."
Taxes Are Patriotic!
A Dutchman was explaining the red, white, and blue Netherlands flag to an American. "Our flag is symbolic of our taxes. We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bills, and blue after we pay them." The American nodded. "It's the same in the USA only we see stars, too!"
+++++
A pair of twin boys were put up for adoption at birth, but were adopted by two different families. The first was adopted by a Hispanic family, who named him Juan, and the second was adopted by an Arabic family, who named him Amal. The two families stayed in contact for a couple of years, but living far apart, eventually lost track of each other. On the 10th birthday of the boys, Juan’s mother said to her husband, “I wonder what Amal looks like today.” The husband replied, “Honey, they’re twins – if you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal.”
+++++
You know you're broke when...
American Express calls and says: "Leave home without it!"
Your idea of a 7-course meal is taking a deep breath outside a restaurant.
Long distance companies don't call you to switch anymore.
You finally clean your house, hoping to find change.
You think of a lottery ticket as an investment.
Your bologna has no first name.
McDonald's supplies you with all your kitchen condiments.
+++++
Senior Couple Engagement
Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, are living in Florida . Are all excited about their decision to get married, they Go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a Drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in. Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers, “Yes."
Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart Medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."
Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds.”Jacob: “Medicine for rheumatism?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Jacob: "How about suppositories?"
Pharmacist: "You bet!"
Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer's?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety; the works."
Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely." Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"
Pharmacist: "We sure do." Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and Sizes." Jacob: "Adult diapers?" Pharmacist: "Sure."
Jacob: "We’d like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."
+++++
CHILD’S RATE
A little boy in church for the first time watched as the ushers passed around the offering plates.
When they came near his pew, the boy said loudly, "Don't pay for me, Daddy. I'm under five."
KISS GOODBYE
"Dad," a teenaged girl says, running into her father's den, "I'd like to kiss you good-bye before I go to school!"
"You're too late, honey. Your mother just did that two minutes ago, and I don't have any cash left on me."
Friday, April 24, 2009
Friday, April 17, 2009
Friday's Funnies
THE ECONOMY IS SO BAD THAT.......
-CEOs are now playing miniature golf.
-Hotwheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.
-Obama met with three small businesses to discuss the Stimulus Package: GE, Pfizer and Citigroup.
-McDonalds is now selling the quarter-ouncer.
-People in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.
-A truck-load of Americans got caught sneaking into Mexico.
-The most highly-paid job now is jury duty.
-Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.
-Mothers in Ethiopia are telling their kids, "Finish your food, do you know how many kids in the U.S. are starving?"
-Motel Six won't leave the light on.
-The Mafia is laying off judges.
-People in Africa are donating money to Americans.
AND.....
-Congress says they are looking into the Bernard Madoff scandal. So, the guy that made $50 billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $750 billion disappear.
+++++
Brand new edition of...
'You know you're a redneck when......
1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.
3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.
6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.
7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.
8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
9. You come back from the dump with more than you took.
10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
12. Your grandmother has 'ammo' on her Christmas list.
13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.
14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
15. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.
16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
17. You have a rag for a gas cap.
18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
19. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.
20. You can spit without opening your mouth.
21. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.
22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say 'Cool Whip' on the side.
24. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.
25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.
26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.
27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvements.
28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.
29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.
30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65.
+++++
Grandma's Advice
A grandmother was giving directions to her grown grandson who was coming to visit with his wife: "You come to the front door of the apartment complex. I am in apartment 14T. There is a big panel at the door. With your elbow push button 14T. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow hit 14. When you get out I am on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell." "Grandma - that sounds easy, but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow"? "You mean you're coming empty handed?"
The Raise
"I have to have a raise," Arnie said to his boss. "There are three other companies after me." "Is that so?" asked the manager. "What other companies are after you?" "The electric company, the telephone company, and the gas company."
Amazing
A pastor was speaking to a group of second-graders about the resurrection of Jesus when one student asked, "What did Jesus say right after He came out of the grave?" The pastor explained that the Gospels do not tell us what He said. The hand of one little girl shot up. "I know what He said, He said, 'Tah-dah!'"
Career ambitions
A father was asked by his friend, "Has your son decided what he wants to be when he grows up?"
"Yes, he wants to be a garbage collector," replied the father.
His friend thought for a moment. "That's a rather strange ambition to have for a career," he said.
"Not really," said the father. "He thinks that garbage collectors only work on Tuesdays!"
Long day
Fred got home from his Sunday round of golf later than normal and very tired. "Bad day at the course?" his wife asked.
"Everything was going fine," he said. "Then Harry had a heart attack and died on the 10th tee."
"Oh, that's awful!"
"You're not kidding. For the whole back nine it was hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry."
-CEOs are now playing miniature golf.
-Hotwheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.
-Obama met with three small businesses to discuss the Stimulus Package: GE, Pfizer and Citigroup.
-McDonalds is now selling the quarter-ouncer.
-People in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.
-A truck-load of Americans got caught sneaking into Mexico.
-The most highly-paid job now is jury duty.
-Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.
-Mothers in Ethiopia are telling their kids, "Finish your food, do you know how many kids in the U.S. are starving?"
-Motel Six won't leave the light on.
-The Mafia is laying off judges.
-People in Africa are donating money to Americans.
AND.....
-Congress says they are looking into the Bernard Madoff scandal. So, the guy that made $50 billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $750 billion disappear.
+++++
Brand new edition of...
'You know you're a redneck when......
1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.
3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.
6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.
7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.
8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
9. You come back from the dump with more than you took.
10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
12. Your grandmother has 'ammo' on her Christmas list.
13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.
14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
15. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.
16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
17. You have a rag for a gas cap.
18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
19. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.
20. You can spit without opening your mouth.
21. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.
22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say 'Cool Whip' on the side.
24. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.
25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.
26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.
27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvements.
28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.
29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.
30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65.
+++++
Grandma's Advice
A grandmother was giving directions to her grown grandson who was coming to visit with his wife: "You come to the front door of the apartment complex. I am in apartment 14T. There is a big panel at the door. With your elbow push button 14T. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow hit 14. When you get out I am on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell." "Grandma - that sounds easy, but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow"? "You mean you're coming empty handed?"
The Raise
"I have to have a raise," Arnie said to his boss. "There are three other companies after me." "Is that so?" asked the manager. "What other companies are after you?" "The electric company, the telephone company, and the gas company."
Amazing
A pastor was speaking to a group of second-graders about the resurrection of Jesus when one student asked, "What did Jesus say right after He came out of the grave?" The pastor explained that the Gospels do not tell us what He said. The hand of one little girl shot up. "I know what He said, He said, 'Tah-dah!'"
Career ambitions
A father was asked by his friend, "Has your son decided what he wants to be when he grows up?"
"Yes, he wants to be a garbage collector," replied the father.
His friend thought for a moment. "That's a rather strange ambition to have for a career," he said.
"Not really," said the father. "He thinks that garbage collectors only work on Tuesdays!"
Long day
Fred got home from his Sunday round of golf later than normal and very tired. "Bad day at the course?" his wife asked.
"Everything was going fine," he said. "Then Harry had a heart attack and died on the 10th tee."
"Oh, that's awful!"
"You're not kidding. For the whole back nine it was hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry."
Friday, April 10, 2009
Friday's Funnies - Tax time
Tax Season
· Have you done your taxes yet, or are you waiting for a cabinet appointment?
+++++
Tax Forms, Long vs Short
The difference between the short tax form and long tax form is simple.
If you use the short form, the government gets your money.
If you use the long form, the accountant gets your money.
+++++
All the big corporations depreciate their possessions, and you can too, provided you use them for business purposes.
For example, if you subscribe to the Wall Street Journal, a business-related newspaper, you can deduct the cost of your house, because, in the words of U.S. Supreme Court Chief Justice Warren Burger in a landmark 1979 tax
decision: "Where else are you going to read the paper? Outside? What if it rains?" -- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes"
+++++
Tax his cow, tax his goat;
Tax his pants, tax his coat.
Tax his crop, tax his work;
Tax his ties, tax his shirt.
Tax his chew, tax his smoke;
Teach him taxing is no joke.
Tax his tractor, tax his mule;
Tell him, "Taxing is the rule."
Tax his oil, tax his gas;
Tax his notes, tax his cash.
Tax him good and let him know
That after taxes, he has no dough.
If he hollers, tax him more;
Tax him 'til he's good and sore.
Tax his coffin, tax his grave,
Tax the sod 'neath which he's laid.
Put these words upon his tomb:
"Taxes drove him to his doom."
After he's gone, we won't relax;
We'll still collect inheritance tax.
+++++
Actual 'Letter to the Editor' from the February 5th edition of the Wichita Falls, Texas Times Record News...
Dear IRS,
I am sorry to inform you that I will not be able to pay taxes owed April 15, but all is not lost.
I have paid these taxes: accounts receivable tax, building permit tax, CDL tax, cigarette tax, corporate income tax, dog license tax, federal income tax, unemployment tax, gasoline tax, hunting license tax, fishing license tax, waterfowl stamp tax, inheritance tax, inventory tax, luxury tax, Medicare tax, city, school and county property tax (up 33 percent last 4 years), real estate tax, social security tax, road usage tax, toll road tax, state and city sales tax, recreational vehicle tax, state franchise tax, state unemployment tax, telephone federal excise tax, telephone federal state and local surcharge tax, telephone minimum usage surcharge tax, telephone state and local tax, utility tax, vehicle license registration tax, capital gains tax, lease severance tax, oil and gas assessment tax, Colorado property tax, Texas, Colorado, Wyoming, Oklahoma and New Mexico sales tax, and many more that I can't recall but I have run out of space and money.
When you do not receive my check April 15, just know that it is an honest mistake. Please treat me the same way you treated Congressmen Charles Rangle, Chris Dodd, Barney Frank and ex-Congressman Tom Daschle and, of course, your boss Timothy Geithner. No penalties and no interest.
P.S. I will make at least a partial payment as soon as I get my stimulus
check.
+++++
A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, "Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die, you will have my remains cremated."
"And what," his friend asked, "do you want me to do with your ashes?"
The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Internal Revenue Service. Write on the envelope, 'Now, you have everything.'"
+++++
The owner of a small deli was being questioned by the IRS about his tax return. He had reported a net profit of $80,000 for the year.
"Why don't you people leave me alone?" the deli owner said.
"I work like a dog, everyone in my family helps out, and the place is closed only three days a year. And you want to know how I made $80,000?"
"It's not your income that bothers us," the agent said.
"It's these deductions. You listed six trips to Bermuda for you and your wife."
"Oh, that," the owner said, smiling. "I forgot to tell you - we also deliver."
· Have you done your taxes yet, or are you waiting for a cabinet appointment?
+++++
Tax Forms, Long vs Short
The difference between the short tax form and long tax form is simple.
If you use the short form, the government gets your money.
If you use the long form, the accountant gets your money.
+++++
All the big corporations depreciate their possessions, and you can too, provided you use them for business purposes.
For example, if you subscribe to the Wall Street Journal, a business-related newspaper, you can deduct the cost of your house, because, in the words of U.S. Supreme Court Chief Justice Warren Burger in a landmark 1979 tax
decision: "Where else are you going to read the paper? Outside? What if it rains?" -- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes"
+++++
Tax his cow, tax his goat;
Tax his pants, tax his coat.
Tax his crop, tax his work;
Tax his ties, tax his shirt.
Tax his chew, tax his smoke;
Teach him taxing is no joke.
Tax his tractor, tax his mule;
Tell him, "Taxing is the rule."
Tax his oil, tax his gas;
Tax his notes, tax his cash.
Tax him good and let him know
That after taxes, he has no dough.
If he hollers, tax him more;
Tax him 'til he's good and sore.
Tax his coffin, tax his grave,
Tax the sod 'neath which he's laid.
Put these words upon his tomb:
"Taxes drove him to his doom."
After he's gone, we won't relax;
We'll still collect inheritance tax.
+++++
Actual 'Letter to the Editor' from the February 5th edition of the Wichita Falls, Texas Times Record News...
Dear IRS,
I am sorry to inform you that I will not be able to pay taxes owed April 15, but all is not lost.
I have paid these taxes: accounts receivable tax, building permit tax, CDL tax, cigarette tax, corporate income tax, dog license tax, federal income tax, unemployment tax, gasoline tax, hunting license tax, fishing license tax, waterfowl stamp tax, inheritance tax, inventory tax, luxury tax, Medicare tax, city, school and county property tax (up 33 percent last 4 years), real estate tax, social security tax, road usage tax, toll road tax, state and city sales tax, recreational vehicle tax, state franchise tax, state unemployment tax, telephone federal excise tax, telephone federal state and local surcharge tax, telephone minimum usage surcharge tax, telephone state and local tax, utility tax, vehicle license registration tax, capital gains tax, lease severance tax, oil and gas assessment tax, Colorado property tax, Texas, Colorado, Wyoming, Oklahoma and New Mexico sales tax, and many more that I can't recall but I have run out of space and money.
When you do not receive my check April 15, just know that it is an honest mistake. Please treat me the same way you treated Congressmen Charles Rangle, Chris Dodd, Barney Frank and ex-Congressman Tom Daschle and, of course, your boss Timothy Geithner. No penalties and no interest.
P.S. I will make at least a partial payment as soon as I get my stimulus
check.
+++++
A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, "Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die, you will have my remains cremated."
"And what," his friend asked, "do you want me to do with your ashes?"
The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Internal Revenue Service. Write on the envelope, 'Now, you have everything.'"
+++++
The owner of a small deli was being questioned by the IRS about his tax return. He had reported a net profit of $80,000 for the year.
"Why don't you people leave me alone?" the deli owner said.
"I work like a dog, everyone in my family helps out, and the place is closed only three days a year. And you want to know how I made $80,000?"
"It's not your income that bothers us," the agent said.
"It's these deductions. You listed six trips to Bermuda for you and your wife."
"Oh, that," the owner said, smiling. "I forgot to tell you - we also deliver."
Friday, April 3, 2009
Friday's Funnies
An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics.
The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk and wrote on the board: "Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist."
Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion. Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair. One member of the class however, was up and finished in less than a minute.
Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he could have gotten an A when he had barely written anything at all.
His answer consisted of two words: "What chair?"
+++++
A couple was going out for the evening to celebrate wife's birthday. They'd gotten ready - all dressed up, put the cat out, etc.
The taxi arrived, and as the couple walked out of their home, the cat ran back into the house.
Not wanting their often rowdy cat to have free run of the house while they were out, the husband went back upstairs to chase the cat out.
The wife, not wanting it known that the house would be empty, explained to the taxi driver, "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."
A few minutes later, the husband got into the cab, and said, "Sorry I took so long" he says, "Stupid old thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out.”
+++++
A recent survey in Australia asked the following question: Are there too many foreigners in this country now?Answer:18% said: YES82% said: معهد الأمن العالمي بوا! شن
+++++
Best Golf Caddie Comments
#10
Golfer: 'Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake.'
Caddy: 'Think you can keep your head down that long?'
#9
Golfer: 'I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course.'
Caddy: 'Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth.'
#8
Golfer: 'Do you think my game is improving?'
Caddy: 'Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now.'
#7
Golfer: 'Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?'
Caddy: 'Eventually.'
#6
Golfer: 'You've got to be the worst caddy in the world.'
Caddy: 'I don't think so, sir. That would be too much of a coincidence.'
#5
Golfer: 'Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction!!
Caddy: 'It's not a watch - it's a compass.'
#4
Golfer: 'How do you like my game?'
Caddy: 'Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf.'
#3
Golfer: 'Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?
Caddy: 'The way you play sir, it's a sin on any day.'
#2
Golfer: 'This is the worst course I've ever played on.'
Caddy: 'This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago.'
AND THE #1 Best Caddy Comment:
Golfer: 'That can't be my ball, it's too old.'
Caddy: 'It's been a long time since we teed off, sir.'
+++++
Junk- something you keep for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk and wrote on the board: "Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist."
Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion. Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair. One member of the class however, was up and finished in less than a minute.
Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he could have gotten an A when he had barely written anything at all.
His answer consisted of two words: "What chair?"
+++++
A couple was going out for the evening to celebrate wife's birthday. They'd gotten ready - all dressed up, put the cat out, etc.
The taxi arrived, and as the couple walked out of their home, the cat ran back into the house.
Not wanting their often rowdy cat to have free run of the house while they were out, the husband went back upstairs to chase the cat out.
The wife, not wanting it known that the house would be empty, explained to the taxi driver, "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."
A few minutes later, the husband got into the cab, and said, "Sorry I took so long" he says, "Stupid old thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out.”
+++++
A recent survey in Australia asked the following question: Are there too many foreigners in this country now?Answer:18% said: YES82% said: معهد الأمن العالمي بوا! شن
+++++
Best Golf Caddie Comments
#10
Golfer: 'Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake.'
Caddy: 'Think you can keep your head down that long?'
#9
Golfer: 'I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course.'
Caddy: 'Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth.'
#8
Golfer: 'Do you think my game is improving?'
Caddy: 'Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now.'
#7
Golfer: 'Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?'
Caddy: 'Eventually.'
#6
Golfer: 'You've got to be the worst caddy in the world.'
Caddy: 'I don't think so, sir. That would be too much of a coincidence.'
#5
Golfer: 'Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction!!
Caddy: 'It's not a watch - it's a compass.'
#4
Golfer: 'How do you like my game?'
Caddy: 'Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf.'
#3
Golfer: 'Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?
Caddy: 'The way you play sir, it's a sin on any day.'
#2
Golfer: 'This is the worst course I've ever played on.'
Caddy: 'This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago.'
AND THE #1 Best Caddy Comment:
Golfer: 'That can't be my ball, it's too old.'
Caddy: 'It's been a long time since we teed off, sir.'
+++++
Junk- something you keep for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
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