Twelve Things You Can Do With A Christmas Fruitcake
1. Paint a few white and place them outside on the grass so people won't park on your lawn.
2. Use it as building material. (This is actually what the Ancient Egyptians used to build the Great Pyramids.)
3. Keep one under your pillow for home defense.
4. Send one to the junk mail company with a note asking them to take you off their list.
5. It's colorful; use it as a Yule Log.
6. Carve the Presidents' faces in it and submit as a science or art project.
7. Give one to your boss and tell him it's a life preserver.
8. Use it as a base for flower arrangements.
9. Donate to the local airport for use as airliner wheel blocks.
10. Grind a few up and give it back to your in-laws in a bag marked "lawn fertilizer."
11. For a community project, sink a few in the ocean and build an artificial reef.
12. Tie one to each foot when you walk through deep snow to keep your feet dry.
+++++
'Twas the week after Christmas, and all through the house
Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.
The cookies I'd nibbled, the eggnog I'd taste
At the holiday parties had gone to my waist.
When I got on the scales there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).
I'd remember the marvelous meals I'd prepared;
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared,
The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese
And the way I'd never said, "No thank you, please."
As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt
And prepared once again to do battle with dirt
I said to myself, as I only can
"You can't spend spring disguised as a man!"
So away with the last of the sour cream dip,
Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip
Every last bit of food that I like must be banished
"Till all the additional ounces have vanished.
I won't have a cookie - not even a lick.
I'll want only to chew on a long celery stick.
I won't have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie,
I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.
I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore
But isn't that what January is for?
Unable to giggle, no longer a riot.
Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!
~Author Unknown~
Friday, December 26, 2008
Friday, December 19, 2008
Friday's Funnies
PERFORMANCE REVIEWS
Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom.....and has started to dig."
"His men would follow him anywhere...but only out of morbid curiosity."
"This employee is really not so much of a 'has-been', but more of a definite 'won't be'."
"Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
"He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."
+++++
"Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait." - A. Whitney Brown
"When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other." - Rita Rudner
"I don't know what's wrong with my television set. I was getting C-Span and the Home Shopping Network on the same station. I actually bought a congressman." - Bruce Baum
"USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population." - David Letterman
"If God doesn't destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology." - Jay Leno
+++++
BLIND MAN IN A BIKER BAR
A blind man wanders into an all Girls Biker Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a barstool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the waiter, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?' The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it's only fair, given that you're blind, that you should know five things:
1) The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2) The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3) I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4) The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5) The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously Mister - do you still wanna tell that joke?
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, 'No - not if I'm going to have to explain it five times!'
+++++
Bottle of wine
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them are hurt. God works in mysterious ways.
After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling about women drivers.
The woman says, 'So, you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should be friends and live in peace for the rest of our days'.
Flattered, the man replies, 'Oh yes, I agree completely, this must be a sign from God! But you're still at fault...women shouldn't be allowed to drive.'
The woman continues, 'And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.'
She hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, puts the cap back on and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, 'Aren't you having any?'
The woman replies, 'No. I think I'll just wait for the police....'
+++++
RIGHT CLICK
Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Desktop."
Customer: "Ok."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"
Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote click'.
Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom.....and has started to dig."
"His men would follow him anywhere...but only out of morbid curiosity."
"This employee is really not so much of a 'has-been', but more of a definite 'won't be'."
"Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
"He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."
+++++
"Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait." - A. Whitney Brown
"When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other." - Rita Rudner
"I don't know what's wrong with my television set. I was getting C-Span and the Home Shopping Network on the same station. I actually bought a congressman." - Bruce Baum
"USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population." - David Letterman
"If God doesn't destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology." - Jay Leno
+++++
BLIND MAN IN A BIKER BAR
A blind man wanders into an all Girls Biker Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a barstool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the waiter, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?' The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it's only fair, given that you're blind, that you should know five things:
1) The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2) The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3) I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4) The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5) The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously Mister - do you still wanna tell that joke?
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, 'No - not if I'm going to have to explain it five times!'
+++++
Bottle of wine
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them are hurt. God works in mysterious ways.
After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling about women drivers.
The woman says, 'So, you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should be friends and live in peace for the rest of our days'.
Flattered, the man replies, 'Oh yes, I agree completely, this must be a sign from God! But you're still at fault...women shouldn't be allowed to drive.'
The woman continues, 'And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.'
She hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, puts the cap back on and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, 'Aren't you having any?'
The woman replies, 'No. I think I'll just wait for the police....'
+++++
RIGHT CLICK
Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Desktop."
Customer: "Ok."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"
Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote click'.
Friday, December 5, 2008
Friday's Funnies
Bank Name
Mother decided that 10-year-old Cathy should get something "practical" for her birthday. "Suppose we open a savings account for you?" Mother suggested. Cathy was delighted. "It's your account, darling," Mother said as they arrived at the bank, "so you fill out the application." Cathy was doing fine until she came to the space for "Name of your former bank." After a slight hesitation, she put down "Piggy."
Answer To Prayer
My brother took his grandson deer hunting when he was small. He told him that they needed to say a prayer before they started and ask God to send the deer. After being on the deer stand for a couple of hours, his grandson looked over at him and said, "Paw-Paw, God just told me the deer aren't coming today, so we can go home now."
Why, Why, Why?
· Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are almost dead? · Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they already know there is not enough money?
· Why do people believe you when you say there are four billion stars; but have to check when you say the paint is still wet?
· Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
· Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
· Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
· Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
· Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
· Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
· Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
· Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock over something else?
· In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
· How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
School Daze
My daughter's 5th-grade class had been studying astronomy. One morning at breakfast she announced, "On Friday we're having a quiz on the moon." That's when her little brother piped up, saying, "Are you gonna let her go, Mom?"
Teamwork
Parents are expected to participate in their children's education, and my friends were no exception. They gladly help their fifth-grade son, Andrew, whenever he's stumped. One day after school, Andrew ran into the house waving a paper in the air. "Hey, Mom, great news! There were only three mistakes on my math homework," he announced. "You made one, Dad made one and I made one!"
The Gift
A patient at the dental office where I was a receptionist stopped by my desk to pay her bill. She began rummaging through her purse, as so many patients did when they had a check to write. "Do you need a pen?" I asked, offering her the use of mine. "Yes, thank you," she replied. She took it, put it in her handbag and proceeded to pay in cash.
By Their Slogans Ye Shall Know Them
A class professor was giving a lecture on company slogans and was asking his students if they were familiar with them. "Joe," he asked, "which company has the slogan, 'come fly the friendly skies'?" Joe answered the correct airline. "Brenda, can you tell me which company has the slogan, "Don't leave home without it?" Brenda answered the correct credit card company with no difficulty. "Now, John, tell me who uses the slogan, 'Just do it'?" John thought for just a moment and answered, "Mom...."
You are a Lousy Cook if...
Your family automatically heads for the table every time they hear a fire alarm.
Anyone has ever broken a tooth eating your homemade yogurt.
Your kids know what "peas porridge in a pot nine days old" tastes like.
Your son goes outside to make mud pies, and the rest of the family grabs forks and follows him.
Your kids' favorite drink is Alka-Seltzer.
You have to buy 25 pounds of dog food twice a week for your toy poodle.
Your kids got even with the neighborhood bully by inviting him over for dinner.
Your husband refers to the smoke detector as the oven timer.
No matter what you do to it, the gravy still turns bright purple.
Math Symbols
While reviewing math symbols with my second-grade pupils, I drew a greater-than [ > ] and a less-than sign [ < ] on the chalkboard and asked, "Does anyone remember what these mean?" A few moments passed, and then a boy confidently raised his hand. "One means fast-forward," he exclaimed, "and the other means rewind!"
Mother decided that 10-year-old Cathy should get something "practical" for her birthday. "Suppose we open a savings account for you?" Mother suggested. Cathy was delighted. "It's your account, darling," Mother said as they arrived at the bank, "so you fill out the application." Cathy was doing fine until she came to the space for "Name of your former bank." After a slight hesitation, she put down "Piggy."
Answer To Prayer
My brother took his grandson deer hunting when he was small. He told him that they needed to say a prayer before they started and ask God to send the deer. After being on the deer stand for a couple of hours, his grandson looked over at him and said, "Paw-Paw, God just told me the deer aren't coming today, so we can go home now."
Why, Why, Why?
· Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are almost dead? · Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they already know there is not enough money?
· Why do people believe you when you say there are four billion stars; but have to check when you say the paint is still wet?
· Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
· Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
· Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
· Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
· Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
· Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
· Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
· Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock over something else?
· In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
· How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
School Daze
My daughter's 5th-grade class had been studying astronomy. One morning at breakfast she announced, "On Friday we're having a quiz on the moon." That's when her little brother piped up, saying, "Are you gonna let her go, Mom?"
Teamwork
Parents are expected to participate in their children's education, and my friends were no exception. They gladly help their fifth-grade son, Andrew, whenever he's stumped. One day after school, Andrew ran into the house waving a paper in the air. "Hey, Mom, great news! There were only three mistakes on my math homework," he announced. "You made one, Dad made one and I made one!"
The Gift
A patient at the dental office where I was a receptionist stopped by my desk to pay her bill. She began rummaging through her purse, as so many patients did when they had a check to write. "Do you need a pen?" I asked, offering her the use of mine. "Yes, thank you," she replied. She took it, put it in her handbag and proceeded to pay in cash.
By Their Slogans Ye Shall Know Them
A class professor was giving a lecture on company slogans and was asking his students if they were familiar with them. "Joe," he asked, "which company has the slogan, 'come fly the friendly skies'?" Joe answered the correct airline. "Brenda, can you tell me which company has the slogan, "Don't leave home without it?" Brenda answered the correct credit card company with no difficulty. "Now, John, tell me who uses the slogan, 'Just do it'?" John thought for just a moment and answered, "Mom...."
You are a Lousy Cook if...
Your family automatically heads for the table every time they hear a fire alarm.
Anyone has ever broken a tooth eating your homemade yogurt.
Your kids know what "peas porridge in a pot nine days old" tastes like.
Your son goes outside to make mud pies, and the rest of the family grabs forks and follows him.
Your kids' favorite drink is Alka-Seltzer.
You have to buy 25 pounds of dog food twice a week for your toy poodle.
Your kids got even with the neighborhood bully by inviting him over for dinner.
Your husband refers to the smoke detector as the oven timer.
No matter what you do to it, the gravy still turns bright purple.
Math Symbols
While reviewing math symbols with my second-grade pupils, I drew a greater-than [ > ] and a less-than sign [ < ] on the chalkboard and asked, "Does anyone remember what these mean?" A few moments passed, and then a boy confidently raised his hand. "One means fast-forward," he exclaimed, "and the other means rewind!"
Friday, November 21, 2008
Friday's Funnies
Senior Moments
I'M A SENIOR CITIZEN & proud of it - I'm the life of the party… even when it lasts until 8 p.m.
I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I am going.
I'm good on a trip for at least an hour without my aspirin, beano, and antacid.
I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.
I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a word you're saying.
I'm very good at telling stories…over and over and over and over.
I'm so cared for - long term care, eye care, private care, dental care.
I'm wrinkled, saggy, lumpy, and that's just my left leg.
I'm anti-everything now: anti-fat, anti-smoke, anti-noise, anti-inflammatory.
I'm walking more (to the bathroom) and enjoying it less.
If you are what you eat, I'm Shredded Wheat and All Bran.
I'm sure they are making adults much younger these days.
I'm in the initial stage of my golden years…SS, CD's, IRA'S, AARP.
I'm wondering, if you're only as old as you feel, how could I be alive at 150?
I'm supporting all movements now…by eating! bran, prunes, and raisins.
I'm a SENIOR CITIZEN…and I am having the time of my life!
+++++
You've heard about the new hair salon which opened up right across the street from the old established hair cutters' place, haven't you?
They put up a big old sign, "WE GIVE SEVEN DOLLAR HAIR CUTS!"
Not to be outdone, the old shop put out their own sign:
"WE FIX SEVEN DOLLAR HAIR CUTS"
+++++
Tooth fairy
After losing another tooth, eight-year-old Timmy became more curious about the elusive tooth fairy.
Finally putting two and two together, he came right out and asked his mother, “Mom, are you the tooth fairy?”
Assuming he was old enough to hear the truth, she replied, “Yes, I am.”
Timmy seemed to take this news quite well. But as he headed for the door, he slowly turned back toward his mother with a curious look on his face and said, “Wait a minute. How do you get into the other kids' houses?”
+++++
Diapers
After a young couple brought their new baby home, the wife suggested that her husband should try his hand at changing diapers.
“I'm busy,” he said. “I'll do the next one.”
The next time came around and she asked again. The husband narrowed his eyes as he looked at his wife. “I didn't mean the next diaper. I meant the next baby.”
+++++
Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."
"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"
His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.
Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"
+++++
One year at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my sister's house for the traditional feast. Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to play a trick. She told my sister that she needed something from the store. When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, and inserted it into the turkey, and re-stuffed the turkey. She then placed the bird(s) back in the oven.
When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird.
With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, "Patricia, you've cooked a pregnant bird!" At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry.
It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs! Yep.................SHE'S BLONDE!
I'M A SENIOR CITIZEN & proud of it - I'm the life of the party… even when it lasts until 8 p.m.
I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I am going.
I'm good on a trip for at least an hour without my aspirin, beano, and antacid.
I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.
I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a word you're saying.
I'm very good at telling stories…over and over and over and over.
I'm so cared for - long term care, eye care, private care, dental care.
I'm wrinkled, saggy, lumpy, and that's just my left leg.
I'm anti-everything now: anti-fat, anti-smoke, anti-noise, anti-inflammatory.
I'm walking more (to the bathroom) and enjoying it less.
If you are what you eat, I'm Shredded Wheat and All Bran.
I'm sure they are making adults much younger these days.
I'm in the initial stage of my golden years…SS, CD's, IRA'S, AARP.
I'm wondering, if you're only as old as you feel, how could I be alive at 150?
I'm supporting all movements now…by eating! bran, prunes, and raisins.
I'm a SENIOR CITIZEN…and I am having the time of my life!
+++++
You've heard about the new hair salon which opened up right across the street from the old established hair cutters' place, haven't you?
They put up a big old sign, "WE GIVE SEVEN DOLLAR HAIR CUTS!"
Not to be outdone, the old shop put out their own sign:
"WE FIX SEVEN DOLLAR HAIR CUTS"
+++++
Tooth fairy
After losing another tooth, eight-year-old Timmy became more curious about the elusive tooth fairy.
Finally putting two and two together, he came right out and asked his mother, “Mom, are you the tooth fairy?”
Assuming he was old enough to hear the truth, she replied, “Yes, I am.”
Timmy seemed to take this news quite well. But as he headed for the door, he slowly turned back toward his mother with a curious look on his face and said, “Wait a minute. How do you get into the other kids' houses?”
+++++
Diapers
After a young couple brought their new baby home, the wife suggested that her husband should try his hand at changing diapers.
“I'm busy,” he said. “I'll do the next one.”
The next time came around and she asked again. The husband narrowed his eyes as he looked at his wife. “I didn't mean the next diaper. I meant the next baby.”
+++++
Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."
"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"
His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.
Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"
+++++
One year at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my sister's house for the traditional feast. Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to play a trick. She told my sister that she needed something from the store. When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, and inserted it into the turkey, and re-stuffed the turkey. She then placed the bird(s) back in the oven.
When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird.
With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, "Patricia, you've cooked a pregnant bird!" At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry.
It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs! Yep.................SHE'S BLONDE!
Friday, November 14, 2008
Friday's Funnies
I Can't Hear You
An elderly gentleman with serious hearing problems goes to the doctor who fits him with hearing aids that allow him to hear at 100% for the first time in many years.
The elderly man goes back in a month for a checkup. The doctor says, “Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.”
To which the gentleman replies, “Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!”
Case Closed
Several women appeared in court, each accusing the others of causing the trouble they were having in the apartment building where they lived. The women were arguing noisily even in the court. The judge, banging his gavel to quiet them, said, "We are going to do this in an orderly manner. I can't listen to all of you at once. I'll hear the oldest first." The case was dismissed for lack of testimony.
Divine Instructions
Two old friends met one day after many years. One attended college, and now was very successful. The other had not attended college and never had much ambition. The successful one said, "How has everything been going with you?" "Well, one day I opened the Bible at random, and dropped my finger on a word and it was oil. So, I invested in oil, and boy, did the oil wells gush. Then another day I dropped my finger on another word and it was gold. So, I invested in gold and those mines really produced. Now, I'm as rich as Rockefeller." The successful friend was so impressed that he rushed to his hotel, grabbed a Gideon Bible, flipped it open, and dropped his finger on a page. He opened his eyes and his finger rested on the words, "Chapter Eleven."
Word Origins
The word 'aerobics' came about when the gym instructors got together and said: "If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it ‘Jumping up and down’."
Bragging
At the company water cooler, I bragged about my children's world travels: one son was teaching in Bolivia, another was working in southern Italy, and my daughter was completing a year-long research project in India. One co-worker's quip, however, stopped me short. "What is it about you," he asked, "that makes your kids want to get so far away?"
MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE
NICKNAMES
• If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah .
• If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.
EATING OUT
• When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
• When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY
• A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
• A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
BATHROOMS
• A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
• The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
ARGUMENTS
• A woman has the last word in any argument.
• Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
FUTURE
• A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
• A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
SUCCESS
• A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
• A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE
• A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
• A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
DRESSING UP
• A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
• A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL
• Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
• Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING
• Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
• A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!
+++++
I've been out of work for a while, so when I found a job sorting salt and pepper, I was most pleased.
The only drawback is that it's seasonal work.
An elderly gentleman with serious hearing problems goes to the doctor who fits him with hearing aids that allow him to hear at 100% for the first time in many years.
The elderly man goes back in a month for a checkup. The doctor says, “Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.”
To which the gentleman replies, “Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!”
Case Closed
Several women appeared in court, each accusing the others of causing the trouble they were having in the apartment building where they lived. The women were arguing noisily even in the court. The judge, banging his gavel to quiet them, said, "We are going to do this in an orderly manner. I can't listen to all of you at once. I'll hear the oldest first." The case was dismissed for lack of testimony.
Divine Instructions
Two old friends met one day after many years. One attended college, and now was very successful. The other had not attended college and never had much ambition. The successful one said, "How has everything been going with you?" "Well, one day I opened the Bible at random, and dropped my finger on a word and it was oil. So, I invested in oil, and boy, did the oil wells gush. Then another day I dropped my finger on another word and it was gold. So, I invested in gold and those mines really produced. Now, I'm as rich as Rockefeller." The successful friend was so impressed that he rushed to his hotel, grabbed a Gideon Bible, flipped it open, and dropped his finger on a page. He opened his eyes and his finger rested on the words, "Chapter Eleven."
Word Origins
The word 'aerobics' came about when the gym instructors got together and said: "If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it ‘Jumping up and down’."
Bragging
At the company water cooler, I bragged about my children's world travels: one son was teaching in Bolivia, another was working in southern Italy, and my daughter was completing a year-long research project in India. One co-worker's quip, however, stopped me short. "What is it about you," he asked, "that makes your kids want to get so far away?"
MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE
NICKNAMES
• If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah .
• If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.
EATING OUT
• When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
• When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY
• A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
• A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
BATHROOMS
• A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
• The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
ARGUMENTS
• A woman has the last word in any argument.
• Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
FUTURE
• A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
• A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
SUCCESS
• A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
• A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE
• A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
• A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
DRESSING UP
• A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
• A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL
• Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
• Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING
• Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
• A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!
+++++
I've been out of work for a while, so when I found a job sorting salt and pepper, I was most pleased.
The only drawback is that it's seasonal work.
Friday, November 7, 2008
Friday's Funnies
Pythagorean Theorem - 24 words.
Lord's Prayer - 66 words.
Archimedes' Principle - 67 words.
10 Commandments - 179 words.
Gettysburg Address - 286 words.
Declaration of Independence - 1,300 words.
US Government regulations on the sale of cabbage - 26,911 words.
+++++
I have contacts
A policeman pulled a female driver over and asked to see her license.
After looking it over, he said to her, “Lady, it stipulates here on your license that you should be wearing glasses.”
“Well, I have contacts,” the woman replied.
“Look lady, I don't care who you know,” snapped the officer. “You're getting a ticket.”
+++++
Here is a chicken recipe that also includes the use of popcorn as a stuffing -- imagine that. When I found this recipe, I thought it was perfect for people like me, who just are not sure how to tell when poultry is thoroughly cooked, but not dried out. Give this a try.
4 - 5 lb. Chicken
1 cup melted butter
1 cup stuffing (Pepperidge Farm is Good.)
1 cup uncooked popcorn (ORVILLE REDENBACHER' S LOW FAT is good here)
Salt/pepper to taste
Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Brush chicken well with melted butter salt, and pepper. Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn. Place in baking pan with the neck end toward the back of the oven. Listen for the popping sounds.
When the chicken's backside blows the oven door open and the chicken flies across the room and lands on the table, it's done and ready to eat.
And, you thought I couldn't cook.......HELLO!!
+++++
Glasses
A woman walked into a store to return a pair of eyeglasses that she had purchased for her husband a week before.
"What seems to be the problem, madam?"
"I'm returning these glasses I bought for my husband. He's still not seeing things my way."
++++
A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards."
The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?"
"No," the cook said. "Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon."
"Oh, OK!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.
The trucker asked, "What are the beans for, Blondie?"
She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!"
+++++
Trouble at school
When I arrived for my daughter's parent-teacher conference, the teacher seemed a bit flustered, especially when she started telling me that my little girl didn't always pay attention in class and was sometimes a little flighty. “For example, she'll do the wrong page in the workbook,” the teacher explained, “and I've even found her sitting in the wrong desk.”
“I don't understand that,” I replied defensively. “Where could she have gotten that?”
The teacher went on to reassure me that my daughter was still doing fine in school and was sweet and likeable. Finally, after a pause, she added, “By the way, Mrs. Johnson, our appointment was for tomorrow.”
Lord's Prayer - 66 words.
Archimedes' Principle - 67 words.
10 Commandments - 179 words.
Gettysburg Address - 286 words.
Declaration of Independence - 1,300 words.
US Government regulations on the sale of cabbage - 26,911 words.
+++++
I have contacts
A policeman pulled a female driver over and asked to see her license.
After looking it over, he said to her, “Lady, it stipulates here on your license that you should be wearing glasses.”
“Well, I have contacts,” the woman replied.
“Look lady, I don't care who you know,” snapped the officer. “You're getting a ticket.”
+++++
Here is a chicken recipe that also includes the use of popcorn as a stuffing -- imagine that. When I found this recipe, I thought it was perfect for people like me, who just are not sure how to tell when poultry is thoroughly cooked, but not dried out. Give this a try.
4 - 5 lb. Chicken
1 cup melted butter
1 cup stuffing (Pepperidge Farm is Good.)
1 cup uncooked popcorn (ORVILLE REDENBACHER' S LOW FAT is good here)
Salt/pepper to taste
Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Brush chicken well with melted butter salt, and pepper. Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn. Place in baking pan with the neck end toward the back of the oven. Listen for the popping sounds.
When the chicken's backside blows the oven door open and the chicken flies across the room and lands on the table, it's done and ready to eat.
And, you thought I couldn't cook.......HELLO!!
+++++
Glasses
A woman walked into a store to return a pair of eyeglasses that she had purchased for her husband a week before.
"What seems to be the problem, madam?"
"I'm returning these glasses I bought for my husband. He's still not seeing things my way."
++++
A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards."
The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?"
"No," the cook said. "Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon."
"Oh, OK!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.
The trucker asked, "What are the beans for, Blondie?"
She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!"
+++++
Trouble at school
When I arrived for my daughter's parent-teacher conference, the teacher seemed a bit flustered, especially when she started telling me that my little girl didn't always pay attention in class and was sometimes a little flighty. “For example, she'll do the wrong page in the workbook,” the teacher explained, “and I've even found her sitting in the wrong desk.”
“I don't understand that,” I replied defensively. “Where could she have gotten that?”
The teacher went on to reassure me that my daughter was still doing fine in school and was sweet and likeable. Finally, after a pause, she added, “By the way, Mrs. Johnson, our appointment was for tomorrow.”
Friday, October 31, 2008
Friday's Funnies
CUSTOMER SERVICE
"I'm not saying that the customer service in my bank is bad, but when I went in the other day and asked the clerk to check my balance... she leaned over and pushed me."
+++++
AGELESS WIT AND OBSERVATIONS
"If you don't read the newspaper you are uninformed; if you do read the newspaper you are misinformed." - Mark Twain
"I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle." - Winston Churchill
"A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul." - George Bernard Shaw
"A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money." - G Gordon Liddy
"Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys." - P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian
"Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else." - Frederic Bastiat, French Economist (1801-1850)
"Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it." - Ronald Reagan (1986)
"If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free!" - P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian
"Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you!" - Pericles (430 B.C.)
"The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery." - Winston Churchill
"The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin." - Mark Twain
"What this country needs are more unemployed politicians." - Edward Langley, Artist (1928 - 1995)
"A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have." - Thomas Jefferson
+++++
MIDDLE AGES
The good news about middle age is that the glass is still half-full… of course, the bad news is that it won't be long before your teeth are floating in it.
Middle age is when you bounce, but you don't bounce back.
Middle age brings the wisdom that life throws you curves… and that you're now sitting on your biggest ones.
THE REMOTE
Jennifer watched as the cashier rang up her purchases.
“Cash, check or charge?” She asked after folding the items Jennifer had bought. As she fumbled for her wallet, the cashier noticed a television remote control in her purse.
“Do you always carry your TV remote?” The cashier asked.
“No,” she replied, “but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the best retaliation.”
WHICH CLUB?
The golfer hit his tee shot into the woods, then hit into a few trees, then proceeded to hit across the fairway into another woods.
Finally, after banging away several more times, he hit into a sand trap.
All the while, he'd noticed that the golf club instructor had been watching.
"What should I do now?" he asked the instructor.
"I don't know," the instructor replied. "What game are you playing?"
+++++
A blonde phoned police to report that thieves had been in her car. "They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator," she cried out.However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time and the same voice came over the line. "Never mind, I got in the back seat by mistake."
"I'm not saying that the customer service in my bank is bad, but when I went in the other day and asked the clerk to check my balance... she leaned over and pushed me."
+++++
AGELESS WIT AND OBSERVATIONS
"If you don't read the newspaper you are uninformed; if you do read the newspaper you are misinformed." - Mark Twain
"I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle." - Winston Churchill
"A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul." - George Bernard Shaw
"A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money." - G Gordon Liddy
"Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys." - P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian
"Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else." - Frederic Bastiat, French Economist (1801-1850)
"Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it." - Ronald Reagan (1986)
"If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free!" - P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian
"Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you!" - Pericles (430 B.C.)
"The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery." - Winston Churchill
"The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin." - Mark Twain
"What this country needs are more unemployed politicians." - Edward Langley, Artist (1928 - 1995)
"A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have." - Thomas Jefferson
+++++
MIDDLE AGES
The good news about middle age is that the glass is still half-full… of course, the bad news is that it won't be long before your teeth are floating in it.
Middle age is when you bounce, but you don't bounce back.
Middle age brings the wisdom that life throws you curves… and that you're now sitting on your biggest ones.
THE REMOTE
Jennifer watched as the cashier rang up her purchases.
“Cash, check or charge?” She asked after folding the items Jennifer had bought. As she fumbled for her wallet, the cashier noticed a television remote control in her purse.
“Do you always carry your TV remote?” The cashier asked.
“No,” she replied, “but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the best retaliation.”
WHICH CLUB?
The golfer hit his tee shot into the woods, then hit into a few trees, then proceeded to hit across the fairway into another woods.
Finally, after banging away several more times, he hit into a sand trap.
All the while, he'd noticed that the golf club instructor had been watching.
"What should I do now?" he asked the instructor.
"I don't know," the instructor replied. "What game are you playing?"
+++++
A blonde phoned police to report that thieves had been in her car. "They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator," she cried out.However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time and the same voice came over the line. "Never mind, I got in the back seat by mistake."
Friday, October 24, 2008
Friday's Funnies
Frequent Flyer's Ten Golden Rules
No flight ever leaves on time unless you are running late and need the delay to make the flight.
If you are running late for a flight, it will depart from the farthest gate within the terminal.
If you arrive very early for a flight, it inevitably will be delayed.
Flights never leave from Gate #1 at any terminal in the world.
If you must work on your flight, you will experience turbulence as soon as you touch pen to paper. Or start to drink your coffee.
If you are assigned a middle seat, you can determine who has the seats on the aisle and the window while you are still in the boarding area. Just look for the two largest passengers.
Only passengers seated in window seats ever have to get up to go to the lavatory.
The crying baby on board is always seated next to you.
The best-looking woman/man on your flight is never seated next to you.
The less carry-on luggage space available on an aircraft, the more carry-on luggage passengers will bring aboard.
+++++
STORY OF ELIJAH
The Sunday school teacher was carefully explaining the story of Elijah the Prophet and the false prophets of Baal. She explained how Elijah built the altar, put wood upon it, cut the steer in pieces, and laid it upon the altar. And then, Elijah commanded the people of God to fill four barrels of water and pour it over the altar. He had them do this four times "Now, said the teacher, "can anyone in the class tell me why the Lord would have Elijah pour water over the steer on the altar?"
A little girl in the back of the room started waving her hand, "I know! I know!" she said, "To make the gravy!"
LOT'S WIFE
The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Jason interrupted, "My Mummy looked back once, while she was driving," he announced triumphantly, "and she turned into a telephone pole!"
GOOD SAMARITAN
A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan, in which a man was beaten, robbed and left for dead. She described the situation in vivid detail so her students would catch the drama. Then, she asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?" A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, "I think I'd throw up."
DI D NOAH FISH?
A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark?" "No," replied Johnny. "How could he, with just two worms?"
HIGHER POWER
A Sunday school teacher said to her children, " We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a higher power. Can anybody tell me what it is?" One child blurted out, "Aces!"
MOSES &THE RED SEA
Nine-year-old Joey, was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday school. "Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt . When he got to the Red Sea , he had his army build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then, he radioed headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved." "Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked. "Well, no, Mom. But, if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!"
THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD
A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible: Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the verse. Little Rick was excited about the task -- but, he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line. On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Ricky was so nervous.
When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, "The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to know."
Church Smiles
There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country "Is there anything breakable i n here?" asked the postal clerk. "Only the Ten Commandments," answered the lady.
SUNDAY SCHOOL MESSAGE
Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about. The daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt." Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about. He said "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming."
No flight ever leaves on time unless you are running late and need the delay to make the flight.
If you are running late for a flight, it will depart from the farthest gate within the terminal.
If you arrive very early for a flight, it inevitably will be delayed.
Flights never leave from Gate #1 at any terminal in the world.
If you must work on your flight, you will experience turbulence as soon as you touch pen to paper. Or start to drink your coffee.
If you are assigned a middle seat, you can determine who has the seats on the aisle and the window while you are still in the boarding area. Just look for the two largest passengers.
Only passengers seated in window seats ever have to get up to go to the lavatory.
The crying baby on board is always seated next to you.
The best-looking woman/man on your flight is never seated next to you.
The less carry-on luggage space available on an aircraft, the more carry-on luggage passengers will bring aboard.
+++++
STORY OF ELIJAH
The Sunday school teacher was carefully explaining the story of Elijah the Prophet and the false prophets of Baal. She explained how Elijah built the altar, put wood upon it, cut the steer in pieces, and laid it upon the altar. And then, Elijah commanded the people of God to fill four barrels of water and pour it over the altar. He had them do this four times "Now, said the teacher, "can anyone in the class tell me why the Lord would have Elijah pour water over the steer on the altar?"
A little girl in the back of the room started waving her hand, "I know! I know!" she said, "To make the gravy!"
LOT'S WIFE
The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Jason interrupted, "My Mummy looked back once, while she was driving," he announced triumphantly, "and she turned into a telephone pole!"
GOOD SAMARITAN
A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan, in which a man was beaten, robbed and left for dead. She described the situation in vivid detail so her students would catch the drama. Then, she asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?" A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, "I think I'd throw up."
DI D NOAH FISH?
A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark?" "No," replied Johnny. "How could he, with just two worms?"
HIGHER POWER
A Sunday school teacher said to her children, " We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a higher power. Can anybody tell me what it is?" One child blurted out, "Aces!"
MOSES &THE RED SEA
Nine-year-old Joey, was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday school. "Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt . When he got to the Red Sea , he had his army build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then, he radioed headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved." "Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked. "Well, no, Mom. But, if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!"
THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD
A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible: Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the verse. Little Rick was excited about the task -- but, he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line. On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Ricky was so nervous.
When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, "The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to know."
Church Smiles
There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country "Is there anything breakable i n here?" asked the postal clerk. "Only the Ten Commandments," answered the lady.
SUNDAY SCHOOL MESSAGE
Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about. The daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt." Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about. He said "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming."
Friday, October 17, 2008
Friday's Funnies
Once upon a time, in a place overrun with monkeys, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each. The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest, and started catching them. The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, they became harder to catch, so the villagers stopped their effort. The man then announced that he would now pay $20 for each one. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again. But soon the supply diminished even further and they were ever harder to catch, so people started going back to their farms and forgot about monkey catching. The man increased his price to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so sparse that it was an effort to even see a monkey, much less catch one. The man now announced that he would buy monkeys for $50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on his behalf.
While the man was away the assistant told the villagers, "Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has bought. I will sell them to you at $35 each and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each." The villagers rounded up all their savings and bought all the monkeys. They never saw the man nor his assistant again, and once again there were monkeys everywhere.
Now you have a better understanding of how the stock market works..................
+++++
Passing the Test
Two paramedics were dispatched to check on a 92-year-old man who had become disoriented. They decided to take him to the hospital for evaluation. En route, with the siren blaring, they questioned the man to determine his level of awareness. Leaning close, one asked, "Sir, do you know what we're doing right now?" The old man slowly looked up at him and then gazed out the ambulance window. "Oh," he replied, "I'd say about 50, maybe 55."
Golden Years
Arthur is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast. "That's it," he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has gotten so bad that once I've hit the ball, I can't see where it went." His wife sympathizes and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down, she says, "Why don't you take my brother with you and give it one more try." "That's no good," sighs Arthur. "Your brother's a hundred and three. He can't help." "He may be a hundred and three," says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect." So the next day, Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes an almighty swing, and squints down the fairway. He turns to the brother-in-law. "Did you see the ball?" "Of course I did!" replies the brother-in-law. "I have perfect eyesight." "Where did it go?" asks Arthur. "I don't remember."
The Warning
A boy had reached four without giving up the habit of sucking his thumb, though his mother had tried everything from bribery to reasoning to painting it with lemon juice to discourage the habit. Finally she tried threats, warning her son that, "If you don't stop sucking your thumb, your stomach is going to blow up like a balloon." Later that day, walking in the park, mother and son saw a pregnant woman sitting on a bench. The 4-year-old considered her gravely for a minute, then spoke to her saying, "Uh-oh...I know what you've been doing."
Tire blows out
A software manager, a hardware manager, and a marketing manager are driving to a meeting when a tire blows. They get out of the car and look at the problem.
The software manager says, "I can't do anything about this - it's a hardware problem."
The hardware manager says, "Maybe if we turned the car off and on again, it would fix itself."
The marketing manager says, "Hey, 75% of it is working - let's ship it!"
+++++
A Grandmother was surprised by her 7 year old grandson one morning when he had made her coffee.
She drank what was the worst cup of coffee in her life. When she got to the bottom there were three of those little green army men in the cup. She said, "Honey, what are the army men doing in my coffee?"
Her grandson said, "Grandma, it says on TV-'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!'"
+++++
A cowboy has lived to an extremely old age, and one day his grandson asked him to what he attributes his long life.
"Well, you know that every morning, I have a bowl of oatmeal for breakfast," says the old timer. His grandson nods. "Before I eat it, I sprinkle a little gunpowder on it, every day," the ancient cowpoke adds. The grandson decides to follow his grandfather's breakfast regimen, and each morning of his life, he has oatmeal with gunpowder sprinkled on it.
Sure enough, the grandson lives to the ripe old age of 97, and when he died, he left seven children, twenty one grandchildren, eighteen great-grandchildren, and a fifteen foot hole in the side of the crematorium.
+++++
There was a little boy named Johnny who used to hang out at the local corner market. The owner didn't know what Johnny's problem was, but the boys would constantly tease him.
They would always comment that he was two bricks shy of a load, or two pickles short of a barrel. To prove it, sometimes they would offer Johnny his choice between a nickel (5 cents) and a dime (10 cents) and John would always take the nickel - they said, because it was bigger.
One day after John grabbed the nickel, the store owner took him aside and said, "Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. They think you don't know the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you grabbing the nickel because it's bigger, or what?"
Slowly, Johnny turned toward the store owner and a big grin appeared on his face and Johnny said, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd stop doing it, and so far I have saved $20!"
+++++
A woman phoned her dentist when she received a huge bill. "I'm shocked!" she complained. "This is three times what you normally charge."
"Yes, I know," said the dentist. "But you yelled so loud, you scared away two other patients."
While the man was away the assistant told the villagers, "Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has bought. I will sell them to you at $35 each and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each." The villagers rounded up all their savings and bought all the monkeys. They never saw the man nor his assistant again, and once again there were monkeys everywhere.
Now you have a better understanding of how the stock market works..................
+++++
Passing the Test
Two paramedics were dispatched to check on a 92-year-old man who had become disoriented. They decided to take him to the hospital for evaluation. En route, with the siren blaring, they questioned the man to determine his level of awareness. Leaning close, one asked, "Sir, do you know what we're doing right now?" The old man slowly looked up at him and then gazed out the ambulance window. "Oh," he replied, "I'd say about 50, maybe 55."
Golden Years
Arthur is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast. "That's it," he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has gotten so bad that once I've hit the ball, I can't see where it went." His wife sympathizes and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down, she says, "Why don't you take my brother with you and give it one more try." "That's no good," sighs Arthur. "Your brother's a hundred and three. He can't help." "He may be a hundred and three," says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect." So the next day, Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes an almighty swing, and squints down the fairway. He turns to the brother-in-law. "Did you see the ball?" "Of course I did!" replies the brother-in-law. "I have perfect eyesight." "Where did it go?" asks Arthur. "I don't remember."
The Warning
A boy had reached four without giving up the habit of sucking his thumb, though his mother had tried everything from bribery to reasoning to painting it with lemon juice to discourage the habit. Finally she tried threats, warning her son that, "If you don't stop sucking your thumb, your stomach is going to blow up like a balloon." Later that day, walking in the park, mother and son saw a pregnant woman sitting on a bench. The 4-year-old considered her gravely for a minute, then spoke to her saying, "Uh-oh...I know what you've been doing."
Tire blows out
A software manager, a hardware manager, and a marketing manager are driving to a meeting when a tire blows. They get out of the car and look at the problem.
The software manager says, "I can't do anything about this - it's a hardware problem."
The hardware manager says, "Maybe if we turned the car off and on again, it would fix itself."
The marketing manager says, "Hey, 75% of it is working - let's ship it!"
+++++
A Grandmother was surprised by her 7 year old grandson one morning when he had made her coffee.
She drank what was the worst cup of coffee in her life. When she got to the bottom there were three of those little green army men in the cup. She said, "Honey, what are the army men doing in my coffee?"
Her grandson said, "Grandma, it says on TV-'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!'"
+++++
A cowboy has lived to an extremely old age, and one day his grandson asked him to what he attributes his long life.
"Well, you know that every morning, I have a bowl of oatmeal for breakfast," says the old timer. His grandson nods. "Before I eat it, I sprinkle a little gunpowder on it, every day," the ancient cowpoke adds. The grandson decides to follow his grandfather's breakfast regimen, and each morning of his life, he has oatmeal with gunpowder sprinkled on it.
Sure enough, the grandson lives to the ripe old age of 97, and when he died, he left seven children, twenty one grandchildren, eighteen great-grandchildren, and a fifteen foot hole in the side of the crematorium.
+++++
There was a little boy named Johnny who used to hang out at the local corner market. The owner didn't know what Johnny's problem was, but the boys would constantly tease him.
They would always comment that he was two bricks shy of a load, or two pickles short of a barrel. To prove it, sometimes they would offer Johnny his choice between a nickel (5 cents) and a dime (10 cents) and John would always take the nickel - they said, because it was bigger.
One day after John grabbed the nickel, the store owner took him aside and said, "Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. They think you don't know the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you grabbing the nickel because it's bigger, or what?"
Slowly, Johnny turned toward the store owner and a big grin appeared on his face and Johnny said, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd stop doing it, and so far I have saved $20!"
+++++
A woman phoned her dentist when she received a huge bill. "I'm shocked!" she complained. "This is three times what you normally charge."
"Yes, I know," said the dentist. "But you yelled so loud, you scared away two other patients."
Friday, October 10, 2008
Friday's Funnies
Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, "Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los Angeles, and send one to Miami."
She said, "We can't do that!"
I told her, "You did it last week!"
+++++
A blond was weed-eating her yard and accidentally cut off the tail of her cat which was hiding in the grass. She rushed her cat, along with the tail over To WAL-MART!
Why WAL-MART??
HELLOOOOOOOOO!
WALMART is the largest re-tailer in the world!!!
+++++
Dictionary for the Church
AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.
BULLETIN: 1) Air conditioning. 2) Your receipt for attending services.
CHOIR: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the congregation to lip-sync.
HYMN: A song of praise, usually sung in a key three octaves higher than the congregation's range.
HYMN, RECESSIONAL: The last song, often sung a little more quietly, since many of the people have already left.
JONAH: The original "Jaws" story.
MAGI: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.
PEW: A medieval torture device still found in most churches.
PROCESSION: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of service, consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats.
RECESSIONAL: The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of service - led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.
USHERS: The only people in the church who don't understand the seating capacity of a pew.
+++++
While working as a television news cameraman, I arrived at an accident scene, and a cameraman from another station pulled up behind me. As I parked the news cruiser, I heard a policeman on the scanner using the radio phonetic alphabet to alert other officers. "Be aware that the Mike Echo Delta India Alpha has arrived," he said. I approached the officer, looked him in the eye and said, "You might be surprised to know that some of us in the Mike Echo Delta India Alpha can Sierra Papa Echo Lima Lima."
+++++
A secretary was leaving the office one Friday evening when she encountered Mr. Jones, the Human Resources manager, standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
"Listen," said Mr. Jones, "this is important, and my secretary has already left. Can you make this thing work?"
"Certainly," said the secretary. She turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said Mr. Jones as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."
+++++
A woman wasn't feeling well, so she asked a co-worker if she could recommend a doctor.
"I know a very good doctor, but he is quite expensive. He charges $350 for the first visit, and $150 for each subsequent visit, but he really is quite good," replied the co-worker.
The woman went to the doctor's office and, trying to pull a fast one and save herself some money, she cheerfully announced, "I'm back!"
Not fooled for a moment, the doctor gave her a quick exam and said, "Very good; now just continue the treatment I prescribed for you on your last visit."
+++++
During "children's time" in the worship service, the kids came forward and the pastor, wanting to teach about prayer, asked, "How can we talk with God?" The pastor produced paper and envelope and said, "Maybe we can write God a letter. Does anyone know God's address?" The group said no. Then the pastor pulled out his cell phone and said, "Maybe we can telephone God. Does anyone know God's phone number?" The response was again negative. Then the pastor displayed his lap top computer and said, "Maybe we can send God an e-mail!" A little five-year-old perked up and enthusiastically said, "Yeah, try www-dot-God-dot-com!"
+++++
Whenever my aunt went to the doctor, she would complain to me about the long delay she always endured. One day, when my aunt's name was finally called, she was asked to step on the scale. "I need to get your weight today," said the nurse. Without a moment's hesitation, my aunt replied, "One hour and 45 minutes!"
She said, "We can't do that!"
I told her, "You did it last week!"
+++++
A blond was weed-eating her yard and accidentally cut off the tail of her cat which was hiding in the grass. She rushed her cat, along with the tail over To WAL-MART!
Why WAL-MART??
HELLOOOOOOOOO!
WALMART is the largest re-tailer in the world!!!
+++++
Dictionary for the Church
AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.
BULLETIN: 1) Air conditioning. 2) Your receipt for attending services.
CHOIR: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the congregation to lip-sync.
HYMN: A song of praise, usually sung in a key three octaves higher than the congregation's range.
HYMN, RECESSIONAL: The last song, often sung a little more quietly, since many of the people have already left.
JONAH: The original "Jaws" story.
MAGI: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.
PEW: A medieval torture device still found in most churches.
PROCESSION: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of service, consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats.
RECESSIONAL: The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of service - led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.
USHERS: The only people in the church who don't understand the seating capacity of a pew.
+++++
While working as a television news cameraman, I arrived at an accident scene, and a cameraman from another station pulled up behind me. As I parked the news cruiser, I heard a policeman on the scanner using the radio phonetic alphabet to alert other officers. "Be aware that the Mike Echo Delta India Alpha has arrived," he said. I approached the officer, looked him in the eye and said, "You might be surprised to know that some of us in the Mike Echo Delta India Alpha can Sierra Papa Echo Lima Lima."
+++++
A secretary was leaving the office one Friday evening when she encountered Mr. Jones, the Human Resources manager, standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
"Listen," said Mr. Jones, "this is important, and my secretary has already left. Can you make this thing work?"
"Certainly," said the secretary. She turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said Mr. Jones as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."
+++++
A woman wasn't feeling well, so she asked a co-worker if she could recommend a doctor.
"I know a very good doctor, but he is quite expensive. He charges $350 for the first visit, and $150 for each subsequent visit, but he really is quite good," replied the co-worker.
The woman went to the doctor's office and, trying to pull a fast one and save herself some money, she cheerfully announced, "I'm back!"
Not fooled for a moment, the doctor gave her a quick exam and said, "Very good; now just continue the treatment I prescribed for you on your last visit."
+++++
During "children's time" in the worship service, the kids came forward and the pastor, wanting to teach about prayer, asked, "How can we talk with God?" The pastor produced paper and envelope and said, "Maybe we can write God a letter. Does anyone know God's address?" The group said no. Then the pastor pulled out his cell phone and said, "Maybe we can telephone God. Does anyone know God's phone number?" The response was again negative. Then the pastor displayed his lap top computer and said, "Maybe we can send God an e-mail!" A little five-year-old perked up and enthusiastically said, "Yeah, try www-dot-God-dot-com!"
+++++
Whenever my aunt went to the doctor, she would complain to me about the long delay she always endured. One day, when my aunt's name was finally called, she was asked to step on the scale. "I need to get your weight today," said the nurse. Without a moment's hesitation, my aunt replied, "One hour and 45 minutes!"
Friday, October 3, 2008
Friday's Funnies
Following the problems in the sub-prime lending markets in the US and the troubles with Northern Rock and now Bradford and Bingley in the UK, uncertainty has now hit Japan.
In the last 7 days Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank announced plans to severely cut back its branches.
Friday, it was announced Karaoke Bank is up for sale and is likely to go for a song, while today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived. Furthermore, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop and analysts reported something fishy going on at Sushi Bank where it is feared that the staff there may get a raw deal.
Things just get worse and worse!
+++++
"You can't take it with you"
Trying to disprove the saying "You can't take it with you," a stingy old lawyer, diagnosed with a terminal illness, finally figured out how to take at least some of his fortune with him when he died.
He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillowcases. He then told her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed. When he passed away, he planned to reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven.
Several weeks after the funeral, his wife, up in the attic cleaning, came upon the two forgotten pillow cases stuffed with cash.
"Oh, that old fool!" she exclaimed. "I knew I should have put the money in the basement."
+++++
"Need money"
A young man was having some money problems, and needed $200 to get his car fixed and road-worthy again. But had run out of people to borrow from. So, he calls his parents via the operator, and reverses the charge and says to his dad, "I need to borrow two hundred dollars."
At the other end, his father says, "Sorry, I can't hear you, son, I think there may be a bad line."
The boy shouts, "Two hundred. I need two hundred dollars!"
"Sorry, I still can't hear you clearly," says his father.
The operator cuts in, "Sorry to butt in, but I can hear him perfectly."
The father says, "Oh, good. YOU send him the money!"
+++++
An elderly lady was stopped to pull into a parking space when a young man in his new Mercedes went around her and parked in the space she was waiting for. She was so upset that she went up to the man and said, "I was going to park there!"
The man, being a real smart alec, said, "Oh, well, that's what you can do when you're young and bright."
This made the lady even angrier, so she got in her car, backed up, pressed on the gas and plowed right into his Mercedes. The young man raced back to his car and exclaimed, "What did you go and do that for?"
The little old lady replied, "That's what you can do when you're old and rich!"
+++++
CATHOLIC HEART ATTACK
A man suffered a serious heart attack and had open heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic hospital.
As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for his treatment. She asked if he had health insurance. He replied, in a raspy voice, "No health insurance." The nun asked if he had money in the bank. He replied. "No money in the bank." The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?" He said, "I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun." The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."
The patient replied, "Send the bill to my brother-in-law… "
+++++
While at work this man heard a very funny knock-knock joke. He told himself, "Although my wife is blonde I'm sure she will get this one!" Upon arriving home that night he proceeded to tell his wife about this joke he had heard. "Knock-knock" he said. She said "Hold on honey, let me answer the door."
+++++
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right
In the last 7 days Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank announced plans to severely cut back its branches.
Friday, it was announced Karaoke Bank is up for sale and is likely to go for a song, while today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived. Furthermore, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop and analysts reported something fishy going on at Sushi Bank where it is feared that the staff there may get a raw deal.
Things just get worse and worse!
+++++
"You can't take it with you"
Trying to disprove the saying "You can't take it with you," a stingy old lawyer, diagnosed with a terminal illness, finally figured out how to take at least some of his fortune with him when he died.
He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillowcases. He then told her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed. When he passed away, he planned to reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven.
Several weeks after the funeral, his wife, up in the attic cleaning, came upon the two forgotten pillow cases stuffed with cash.
"Oh, that old fool!" she exclaimed. "I knew I should have put the money in the basement."
+++++
"Need money"
A young man was having some money problems, and needed $200 to get his car fixed and road-worthy again. But had run out of people to borrow from. So, he calls his parents via the operator, and reverses the charge and says to his dad, "I need to borrow two hundred dollars."
At the other end, his father says, "Sorry, I can't hear you, son, I think there may be a bad line."
The boy shouts, "Two hundred. I need two hundred dollars!"
"Sorry, I still can't hear you clearly," says his father.
The operator cuts in, "Sorry to butt in, but I can hear him perfectly."
The father says, "Oh, good. YOU send him the money!"
+++++
An elderly lady was stopped to pull into a parking space when a young man in his new Mercedes went around her and parked in the space she was waiting for. She was so upset that she went up to the man and said, "I was going to park there!"
The man, being a real smart alec, said, "Oh, well, that's what you can do when you're young and bright."
This made the lady even angrier, so she got in her car, backed up, pressed on the gas and plowed right into his Mercedes. The young man raced back to his car and exclaimed, "What did you go and do that for?"
The little old lady replied, "That's what you can do when you're old and rich!"
+++++
CATHOLIC HEART ATTACK
A man suffered a serious heart attack and had open heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic hospital.
As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for his treatment. She asked if he had health insurance. He replied, in a raspy voice, "No health insurance." The nun asked if he had money in the bank. He replied. "No money in the bank." The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?" He said, "I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun." The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."
The patient replied, "Send the bill to my brother-in-law… "
+++++
While at work this man heard a very funny knock-knock joke. He told himself, "Although my wife is blonde I'm sure she will get this one!" Upon arriving home that night he proceeded to tell his wife about this joke he had heard. "Knock-knock" he said. She said "Hold on honey, let me answer the door."
+++++
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right
Friday, September 26, 2008
Friday's Funnies
The copy factor
A new monk arrived at the monastery. He was assigned to help the other monks in copying the old texts by hand. He noticed, however, that they were copying copies, not the original books. The new monk went to the head monk to ask him about this. He pointed out that if there were an error in the first copy, that error would be continued in all of the other copies.
The head monk said, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son." The head monk went down into the cellar with one of the copies to check it against the original.
Hours later, nobody had seen him, so one of the monks went downstairs to look for him. He heard a sobbing coming from the back of the cellar and found the old monk leaning over one of the original books, crying. He asked what was wrong.
"The word is 'celebrate,' not 'celibate'!" sobbed the head monk.
+++++
Proof Reading is a Dying Art!
Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
They put in a correction the next day.
------------------------------------------------------
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
No, really? Ya think?
------------------------------------------------------
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!
------------------------------------------------------
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!
-------------------------------------------------------
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya think?!
--------------------------------------------------------
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape? Oklahoma 's new construction program!
-------------------------------------------------------
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren't they fat enough?!
-------------------------------------------------------
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans!
-------------------------------------------------------
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?
-------------------------------------------------------
And the winner is....
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Did I read that right?
+++++
Generation gap
A very self-important college freshman attending a recent football game, took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting next to him why it was impossible for the older generation to understand his generation.
"You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive one," the student said, loud enough for many of those nearby to hear. "The young people of today grew up with television, jet planes, space travel, man walking on the moon, our space ships have visited Mars. We have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with light-speed processing and...," pausing to take another drink of beer.
The older man took advantage of the break in the student's litany and said, "You're right, son. We didn't have those things when we were young... so we invented them. Now, what are YOU and your bunch doing for the next generation?"
The applause was resounding.
A new monk arrived at the monastery. He was assigned to help the other monks in copying the old texts by hand. He noticed, however, that they were copying copies, not the original books. The new monk went to the head monk to ask him about this. He pointed out that if there were an error in the first copy, that error would be continued in all of the other copies.
The head monk said, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son." The head monk went down into the cellar with one of the copies to check it against the original.
Hours later, nobody had seen him, so one of the monks went downstairs to look for him. He heard a sobbing coming from the back of the cellar and found the old monk leaning over one of the original books, crying. He asked what was wrong.
"The word is 'celebrate,' not 'celibate'!" sobbed the head monk.
+++++
Proof Reading is a Dying Art!
Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
They put in a correction the next day.
------------------------------------------------------
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
No, really? Ya think?
------------------------------------------------------
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!
------------------------------------------------------
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!
-------------------------------------------------------
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya think?!
--------------------------------------------------------
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape? Oklahoma 's new construction program!
-------------------------------------------------------
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren't they fat enough?!
-------------------------------------------------------
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans!
-------------------------------------------------------
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?
-------------------------------------------------------
And the winner is....
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Did I read that right?
+++++
Generation gap
A very self-important college freshman attending a recent football game, took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting next to him why it was impossible for the older generation to understand his generation.
"You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive one," the student said, loud enough for many of those nearby to hear. "The young people of today grew up with television, jet planes, space travel, man walking on the moon, our space ships have visited Mars. We have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with light-speed processing and...," pausing to take another drink of beer.
The older man took advantage of the break in the student's litany and said, "You're right, son. We didn't have those things when we were young... so we invented them. Now, what are YOU and your bunch doing for the next generation?"
The applause was resounding.
Friday, September 12, 2008
Friday's Funnies
Bathroom scale
Two youngsters were closely examining bathroom scales on display at the department store.
"Have you ever seen one of these before?" one asked.
"Yeah, my mom and dad have one," the other replied.
"What's it for?" asked the first boy.
"I don't know," the second boy answered. "I think you stand on it and it makes you mad."
Interview
The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married -- for the fourth time.
The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation.
"He's a funeral director," she answered.
"Interesting," the newsman thought. He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.
She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she'd first married a banker when she was in her early 20s, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40s, later on a preacher when in her 60s, and now in her 80s, a funeral director.
The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.
She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."
+++++
TO THE MOON
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?' The other blonde turns and says 'Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida?'
RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. 'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I get to the other side?' The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, 'You ARE on the other side.'
AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
'Impossible!' says the doctor. 'Show me.'
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you? 'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'
'I thought so,' the doctor said. 'Your finger is broken.'
BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!'
The American said, 'We were the first on the moon!'
The Blonde said, 'So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!'
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. 'You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!' said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, 'We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!'
IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?'
She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'
FINALLY - THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?'
'HELLLOOOOOOO… ' answered the blonde. 'They're watch dogs!
Two youngsters were closely examining bathroom scales on display at the department store.
"Have you ever seen one of these before?" one asked.
"Yeah, my mom and dad have one," the other replied.
"What's it for?" asked the first boy.
"I don't know," the second boy answered. "I think you stand on it and it makes you mad."
Interview
The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married -- for the fourth time.
The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation.
"He's a funeral director," she answered.
"Interesting," the newsman thought. He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.
She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she'd first married a banker when she was in her early 20s, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40s, later on a preacher when in her 60s, and now in her 80s, a funeral director.
The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.
She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."
+++++
TO THE MOON
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?' The other blonde turns and says 'Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida?'
RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. 'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I get to the other side?' The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, 'You ARE on the other side.'
AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
'Impossible!' says the doctor. 'Show me.'
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you? 'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'
'I thought so,' the doctor said. 'Your finger is broken.'
BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!'
The American said, 'We were the first on the moon!'
The Blonde said, 'So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!'
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. 'You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!' said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, 'We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!'
IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?'
She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'
FINALLY - THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?'
'HELLLOOOOOOO… ' answered the blonde. 'They're watch dogs!
Friday, September 5, 2008
Friday's Funnies
Obsession"While getting dressed one morning, I decided I have been spending waaaaay too much time on the computer, when I caught myself checking the lower right corner of my make-up mirror to see what time it was." - Unknown
+++++
Philip is telling his friends about his recent divorce.
"Yes, it's true. Sylvie divorced me for religious reasons. She worshipped money and I didn't have any."
+++++
Martin had just received his brand new driver's license. The family troops out to the driveway, and climbs in the car, where he is going to take them for a ride for the first time. Dad immediately heads for the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver.
"I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," says the beaming boy to his father.
"Nope," comes dad's reply, "I'm gonna sit here and kick the back of your seat as you drive, just like you've been doing to me all these years."
+++++
"Change"
A woman called her doctor in a panic. Her son had swallowed a dime and she wanted to know if she should bring the boy in to be seen.
"I don't think it's necessary," the doctor calmly replied. "Just watch him closely for any change."
+++++
Jasper was speeding along the Interstate Highway when he was pulled over by a State Trooper. The officer wrote out the ticket and handed it to him. "What am I supposed to do with this?" grumbled Jasper as the policeman handed him a speeding ticket. "Keep it," said the officer. "When you collect four of them you get a bicycle."
+++++
A small boy was looking at the red ripe tomatoes growing in the farmer's garden. "I'll give you my two pennies for that tomato," said the boy pointing to a beautiful, large, ripe fruit hanging on the vine.
"No," said the farmer, "I get a dime for a tomato like that one."
The small boy pointed to a smaller green one, "Will you take two pennies for that one?"
"Yes," replied the farmer, "I'll give you that one for two cents."
"OK," said the lad, sealing the deal by putting the coins in the farmer's hand, "I'll pick it up in about a week."
+++++
"Six things to think about"
1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.
2. Grandchildren are God's rewards for not killing your own children.
3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.
4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.
5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.
6. We child proofed our homes, but they are still getting in.
+++++
12 THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME MORE THAN 50 YEARS TO LEARN
by Dave Barry, Nationally Syndicated Columnist
1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. You should not confuse your career with your life.
3. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance
4. Never lick a steak knife.
5. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip
6. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time
7. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
8. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
9. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above-average drivers.
10. A person who is nice to you but rude to a waiter is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)
11. Your friends love you anyway.
12. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.
+++++
Philip is telling his friends about his recent divorce.
"Yes, it's true. Sylvie divorced me for religious reasons. She worshipped money and I didn't have any."
+++++
Martin had just received his brand new driver's license. The family troops out to the driveway, and climbs in the car, where he is going to take them for a ride for the first time. Dad immediately heads for the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver.
"I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," says the beaming boy to his father.
"Nope," comes dad's reply, "I'm gonna sit here and kick the back of your seat as you drive, just like you've been doing to me all these years."
+++++
"Change"
A woman called her doctor in a panic. Her son had swallowed a dime and she wanted to know if she should bring the boy in to be seen.
"I don't think it's necessary," the doctor calmly replied. "Just watch him closely for any change."
+++++
Jasper was speeding along the Interstate Highway when he was pulled over by a State Trooper. The officer wrote out the ticket and handed it to him. "What am I supposed to do with this?" grumbled Jasper as the policeman handed him a speeding ticket. "Keep it," said the officer. "When you collect four of them you get a bicycle."
+++++
A small boy was looking at the red ripe tomatoes growing in the farmer's garden. "I'll give you my two pennies for that tomato," said the boy pointing to a beautiful, large, ripe fruit hanging on the vine.
"No," said the farmer, "I get a dime for a tomato like that one."
The small boy pointed to a smaller green one, "Will you take two pennies for that one?"
"Yes," replied the farmer, "I'll give you that one for two cents."
"OK," said the lad, sealing the deal by putting the coins in the farmer's hand, "I'll pick it up in about a week."
+++++
"Six things to think about"
1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.
2. Grandchildren are God's rewards for not killing your own children.
3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.
4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.
5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.
6. We child proofed our homes, but they are still getting in.
+++++
12 THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME MORE THAN 50 YEARS TO LEARN
by Dave Barry, Nationally Syndicated Columnist
1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. You should not confuse your career with your life.
3. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance
4. Never lick a steak knife.
5. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip
6. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time
7. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
8. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
9. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above-average drivers.
10. A person who is nice to you but rude to a waiter is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)
11. Your friends love you anyway.
12. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.
Friday, August 22, 2008
Friday's Funnies
Jon wanted $100 to buy a remote control car, so he prayed like crazy for two weeks ... but nothing happened
Jon decided to write God an urgent letter, requesting $100. When the post office received the letter addressed to God, USA, they forwarded the letter to the president
The president was so amused by the letter that he told his secretary to send Jon a $5 bill, figuring this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy
When Jon received the cash, he was so delighted that he wrote a thank you note which read:
Dear God:
Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that you sent it through Washington, D.C. Next time, don't do that because, as usual, they took 95%.
Love,
Jon
+++++
Senior Moments
- Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years older than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?"
- Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure."
- The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.
- From Florida .....I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.
- I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.
- An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. "Wal-Mart ?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?" "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."
- These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."
+++++
Friendly Argument
During a friendly argument, my husband asked me why I married him in the first place. "I was just stupid," I teased. When he said he was happy to hear that, I requested an explanation. "People get divorced all the time because they fall out of love," he said. "But I've never heard of anybody falling out of stupid."
Texas Mindset
Three aspiring psychiatrists were attending their first class on emotional extremes. "Just to establish some parameters," said the professor to the student from Arkansas, "What is the opposite of joy?" "Sadness," said the student. "And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma. "Elation," she said. "And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas, "How about the opposite of woe?" The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddy up."
The Mis-Step
I recall a time when my son was about 18 months old. I had him strapped into a backpack and was rushing to catch the bus. Apparently I mis-stepped and fell down an entire flight of stairs (13 to be exact). I was bruised and bleeding and had torn my jeans ... but my main concern was, naturally, for my child. My fears were alleviated, though, when from behind me I heard a gleeful giggle followed by, "Again!"
As You Requested
The homeowner was delighted with the way the painter, Arnie, had done all the work on his house. "You did a great job." he said and handed the man a check. "Also, in order to thank you, here's an extra $80 to take the missus out to dinner and a movie." Later that night, the doorbell rang and it was the painter. Thinking the man had forgotten something he asked, "What's the matter, did you forget something?" "Nope." replied the painter. "I'm just here to take your missus out to dinner and a movie..."
+++++
Phil and Will built an ice skating rink in the middle of a pasture. One day a shepherd, leading his flock, decided to take a shortcut across the rink. The sheep, however, were afraid of the ice and wouldn't cross it. Desperate, the shepherd began tugging them to the other side.
"Look at that," remarked Phil to Will. "That guy is trying to pull the wool over our ice!"
Jon decided to write God an urgent letter, requesting $100. When the post office received the letter addressed to God, USA, they forwarded the letter to the president
The president was so amused by the letter that he told his secretary to send Jon a $5 bill, figuring this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy
When Jon received the cash, he was so delighted that he wrote a thank you note which read:
Dear God:
Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that you sent it through Washington, D.C. Next time, don't do that because, as usual, they took 95%.
Love,
Jon
+++++
Senior Moments
- Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years older than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?"
- Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure."
- The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.
- From Florida .....I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.
- I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.
- An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. "Wal-Mart ?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?" "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."
- These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."
+++++
Friendly Argument
During a friendly argument, my husband asked me why I married him in the first place. "I was just stupid," I teased. When he said he was happy to hear that, I requested an explanation. "People get divorced all the time because they fall out of love," he said. "But I've never heard of anybody falling out of stupid."
Texas Mindset
Three aspiring psychiatrists were attending their first class on emotional extremes. "Just to establish some parameters," said the professor to the student from Arkansas, "What is the opposite of joy?" "Sadness," said the student. "And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma. "Elation," she said. "And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas, "How about the opposite of woe?" The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddy up."
The Mis-Step
I recall a time when my son was about 18 months old. I had him strapped into a backpack and was rushing to catch the bus. Apparently I mis-stepped and fell down an entire flight of stairs (13 to be exact). I was bruised and bleeding and had torn my jeans ... but my main concern was, naturally, for my child. My fears were alleviated, though, when from behind me I heard a gleeful giggle followed by, "Again!"
As You Requested
The homeowner was delighted with the way the painter, Arnie, had done all the work on his house. "You did a great job." he said and handed the man a check. "Also, in order to thank you, here's an extra $80 to take the missus out to dinner and a movie." Later that night, the doorbell rang and it was the painter. Thinking the man had forgotten something he asked, "What's the matter, did you forget something?" "Nope." replied the painter. "I'm just here to take your missus out to dinner and a movie..."
+++++
Phil and Will built an ice skating rink in the middle of a pasture. One day a shepherd, leading his flock, decided to take a shortcut across the rink. The sheep, however, were afraid of the ice and wouldn't cross it. Desperate, the shepherd began tugging them to the other side.
"Look at that," remarked Phil to Will. "That guy is trying to pull the wool over our ice!"
Friday, August 8, 2008
Friday's Funnies
Translation Oops
A friend was lecturing in Latin America. He was going to use a translator, but to identify with his audience, he wanted to begin his talk by saying in Spanish, "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen." He arrived at the auditorium a little early and realized he did not know the Spanish words for ladies and gentlemen. Being rather resourceful, he went to the part of the building where the restrooms were, looked at the signs on the two doors, and memorized those two words.
When the audience arrived and he was introduced, he stood up and said in Spanish, "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen."
The audience was shocked. He didn't know whether he had offended them or perhaps they hadn't heard him or understood him. So he decided to repeat it.
Again in Spanish he said, "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen."
One person in the audience began to snicker. Pretty soon the entire audience was laughing. Finally, someone told him that he had said, "Good evening, bathrooms and broom closets!"
Football Wedding
Two guys are talking about their boss's upcoming wedding.
One says, "It's ridiculous! He's rich, but he's 93 years old, and she's just 26! What kind of a wedding is that?"
The other says, "Well, we have a name for it in my family."
"What do you call it?"
"We call it a football wedding."
The first asks, "What's a football wedding?"
The other says, "She's waiting for him to kick off!"
Sounds
A teacher arranged her young students into a circle. She then went around the circle and asked each one a question.
"Davey, what sound does a cow make?" Davey replied, "It goes 'moo.'"
"Alice, what sound does a cat make?" Alice said, "It goes 'meow.'"
"Jamie, what sound does a lamb make?" Jamie said, "It goes 'baaa.'"
"Jennifer, what sound does a mouse make?" Jennifer paused, and said, "Uhh ... it goes ... 'click!'"
Ponderings
- Why do they report power outages on TV?
- Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers aren't afraid to have a Chapter 11?
- I asked my wife why there were so many dings on the driver's side of her Mercedes and she said the brakes must be bad on that side.
- After you lose an election, will they let you back into all the exclusive clubs you resigned from?
- This is the only place in the country where people pull over and stop for a funeral, but speed up to cut off an ambulance or a fire truck.
- The best advice for teenagers is, leave home now while you still know everything.
- Is it a law of nature that women have to sneeze as soon as they apply their mascara?
- The two biggest problems in America are making ends meet and making meetings end.
More Ponderings
- I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
- If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead?"
- What hair colour do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
- I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
- Why not modern Latin: VENI, VEDI, VISA - I came, I saw, I shopped.
- If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
- STRESSED spelled backwards is DESSERTS.
- Strange! No one ever says "It's only a game," when their team is winning.
- Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
Bug flew into a barn
A farmer was milking his cow. He was just starting to get a good rhythm going when a bug flew into the barn and started circling his head. Suddenly, the bug flew into the cow's ear. The farmer didn't think much about it, until the bug squirted out into his bucket. It went in one ear and out the udder.
A friend was lecturing in Latin America. He was going to use a translator, but to identify with his audience, he wanted to begin his talk by saying in Spanish, "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen." He arrived at the auditorium a little early and realized he did not know the Spanish words for ladies and gentlemen. Being rather resourceful, he went to the part of the building where the restrooms were, looked at the signs on the two doors, and memorized those two words.
When the audience arrived and he was introduced, he stood up and said in Spanish, "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen."
The audience was shocked. He didn't know whether he had offended them or perhaps they hadn't heard him or understood him. So he decided to repeat it.
Again in Spanish he said, "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen."
One person in the audience began to snicker. Pretty soon the entire audience was laughing. Finally, someone told him that he had said, "Good evening, bathrooms and broom closets!"
Football Wedding
Two guys are talking about their boss's upcoming wedding.
One says, "It's ridiculous! He's rich, but he's 93 years old, and she's just 26! What kind of a wedding is that?"
The other says, "Well, we have a name for it in my family."
"What do you call it?"
"We call it a football wedding."
The first asks, "What's a football wedding?"
The other says, "She's waiting for him to kick off!"
Sounds
A teacher arranged her young students into a circle. She then went around the circle and asked each one a question.
"Davey, what sound does a cow make?" Davey replied, "It goes 'moo.'"
"Alice, what sound does a cat make?" Alice said, "It goes 'meow.'"
"Jamie, what sound does a lamb make?" Jamie said, "It goes 'baaa.'"
"Jennifer, what sound does a mouse make?" Jennifer paused, and said, "Uhh ... it goes ... 'click!'"
Ponderings
- Why do they report power outages on TV?
- Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers aren't afraid to have a Chapter 11?
- I asked my wife why there were so many dings on the driver's side of her Mercedes and she said the brakes must be bad on that side.
- After you lose an election, will they let you back into all the exclusive clubs you resigned from?
- This is the only place in the country where people pull over and stop for a funeral, but speed up to cut off an ambulance or a fire truck.
- The best advice for teenagers is, leave home now while you still know everything.
- Is it a law of nature that women have to sneeze as soon as they apply their mascara?
- The two biggest problems in America are making ends meet and making meetings end.
More Ponderings
- I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
- If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead?"
- What hair colour do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
- I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
- Why not modern Latin: VENI, VEDI, VISA - I came, I saw, I shopped.
- If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
- STRESSED spelled backwards is DESSERTS.
- Strange! No one ever says "It's only a game," when their team is winning.
- Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
Bug flew into a barn
A farmer was milking his cow. He was just starting to get a good rhythm going when a bug flew into the barn and started circling his head. Suddenly, the bug flew into the cow's ear. The farmer didn't think much about it, until the bug squirted out into his bucket. It went in one ear and out the udder.
Friday, August 1, 2008
Friday's Funnies
My mother was away all weekend at a business conference. During a break, she decided to call home collect. My six-year-old brother picked up the phone and heard a stranger's voice say, "We have a Betty on the line. Will you accept the charges?" Frantic, he dropped the receiver and came charging outside screaming, "Dad! They've got Mom! And they want money!"
+++++
Siamese twins walk into a pub in Toronto, Ontario and park themselves on a bar stool.
One of them says to the Bartender, 'Don't mind us, were joined at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers, draft please'.
The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers. 'Been on holiday yet, lads?'
‘Off to England next month,' says John. ‘We go to England every year and hire a car and drive for miles, don't we, Jim?'
Jim agrees.
‘Ah, England!' says the Bartender. 'Wonderful country ... the history, the beer, the culture ...'
'Nah, we don't like that British stuff,' says John. ‘Hamburgers & Molsons beer, that's us, eh Jim? And we can't stand the English ...'
'So why keep going to England?' asks the Bartender.
'It's the only chance Jim gets to drive.'
+++++
Why do we love children?
1) NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'
2) OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.'
3) KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle.'
4) MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'
5) POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop? Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report. My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?' 'Yes, that's right,' I told her. 'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?'
6) POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. 'Is that a dog you got back there?' he asked. 'It sure is,' I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, 'What'd he do?'
7) ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!
8) DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.' 'And why not, darling?' 'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.'
9) SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!'
10) BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. 'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out. 'What have you got there, dear?' With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam's underwear!
+++++
Siamese twins walk into a pub in Toronto, Ontario and park themselves on a bar stool.
One of them says to the Bartender, 'Don't mind us, were joined at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers, draft please'.
The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers. 'Been on holiday yet, lads?'
‘Off to England next month,' says John. ‘We go to England every year and hire a car and drive for miles, don't we, Jim?'
Jim agrees.
‘Ah, England!' says the Bartender. 'Wonderful country ... the history, the beer, the culture ...'
'Nah, we don't like that British stuff,' says John. ‘Hamburgers & Molsons beer, that's us, eh Jim? And we can't stand the English ...'
'So why keep going to England?' asks the Bartender.
'It's the only chance Jim gets to drive.'
+++++
Why do we love children?
1) NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'
2) OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.'
3) KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle.'
4) MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'
5) POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop? Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report. My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?' 'Yes, that's right,' I told her. 'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?'
6) POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. 'Is that a dog you got back there?' he asked. 'It sure is,' I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, 'What'd he do?'
7) ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!
8) DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.' 'And why not, darling?' 'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.'
9) SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!'
10) BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. 'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out. 'What have you got there, dear?' With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam's underwear!
Friday, July 25, 2008
Friday's Funnies
Donkey Sale
Young Chuck, moved to Texas and bought a donkey from a farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died.'
Chuck replied, 'Well, then just give me my money back.'
The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I went and spent it already.'
Chuck said, 'Ok, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'
The farmer asked, 'What ya gonna do with him?
Chuck said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'
The farmer said, 'You can't raffle off a dead donkey!'
Chuck said, 'Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'
A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?'
Chuck said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $898.00.'
The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'
Chuck said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.'
Chuck grew up and works for the government.
Sounds Logical
Brenda's 6 year old was explaining to the other kids what "extinct" meant: "Well," she said in all seriousness, "it means that the dinosaurs are all dead and have been dead so long they don't stink anymore, that's why they call them exstinkt."
Timesaver
An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these techniques at home." "Why not?" asked somebody from the audience. "I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, 'Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'" "Did it save time?" the guy in the audience asked. "Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven."
Phlip Response
Everyone knows I'm a stickler for good spelling. So when an associate e-mailed technical documents asking me to "decifer" them, I had to set him straight. "Decipher is spelled with a 'ph,' not an 'f,'" I wrote. "In case you've forgotten, spell checker comes free with your Microsoft program." A minute later came his reply: "Must be dephective."
The Cure
One afternoon, Mike went to his doctor and told him that he hadn't been feeling well lately. The doctor examined Mike, left the room and came back with three different bottles of pills. The doctor said, "Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you wake up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after you eat lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water. Startled to be put on so much medication, Mike stammered, "Wow, Doc, exactly what is my problem?" The doctor replied, "You're not drinking enough water."
Giving
The pastor of a small church exhorted his flock to give generously when the collection plate was passed. "give," he pleaded, "as though it were going right back into you own pocket." After the service, the pastor chided one of the members: "George, I noticed that you let the collection plate go right by you in spite of my appeal." "Well, Reverend," the man replied, "I figured as long as the money was going back into my pocket anyway, it didn't need no round trip."
Gas Prices
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive....so, I took her to a gas station.
The catch
A man was returning home from a fishing trip. He was flying down the highway, going way too fast. He felt secure amongst a pack of cars, all traveling at the same speed. However, it wasn't long before he saw flashing lights in his review mirror and pulled over.
The officer handed him the citation, received his signature, and was about to walk away when the man stopped him. "Officer, I know I was speeding," he started, "but I don't think it's fair. There were plenty of other cars around me going just as fast, so why did I get the ticket?"
The officer tilted his head and gestured at the fishing gear stowed on the passenger seat. "I see you like fishing," he said.
"Ummm, yes I do... so?" the confused driver replied.
The officer grinned as he turned to leave. "Ever catch ALL the fish?"
The Dog Psychiatrist
Two poodles were chatting.
"I can't figure it out," said the first dog. "I'm in perfect physical shape, but I'm constantly anxious."
The second dog says, "Why don't you go to a psychiatrist?"
To this the first dog remarks, "How can I? I'm not allowed on the couch!"
Young Chuck, moved to Texas and bought a donkey from a farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died.'
Chuck replied, 'Well, then just give me my money back.'
The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I went and spent it already.'
Chuck said, 'Ok, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'
The farmer asked, 'What ya gonna do with him?
Chuck said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'
The farmer said, 'You can't raffle off a dead donkey!'
Chuck said, 'Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'
A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?'
Chuck said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $898.00.'
The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'
Chuck said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.'
Chuck grew up and works for the government.
Sounds Logical
Brenda's 6 year old was explaining to the other kids what "extinct" meant: "Well," she said in all seriousness, "it means that the dinosaurs are all dead and have been dead so long they don't stink anymore, that's why they call them exstinkt."
Timesaver
An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these techniques at home." "Why not?" asked somebody from the audience. "I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, 'Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'" "Did it save time?" the guy in the audience asked. "Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven."
Phlip Response
Everyone knows I'm a stickler for good spelling. So when an associate e-mailed technical documents asking me to "decifer" them, I had to set him straight. "Decipher is spelled with a 'ph,' not an 'f,'" I wrote. "In case you've forgotten, spell checker comes free with your Microsoft program." A minute later came his reply: "Must be dephective."
The Cure
One afternoon, Mike went to his doctor and told him that he hadn't been feeling well lately. The doctor examined Mike, left the room and came back with three different bottles of pills. The doctor said, "Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you wake up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after you eat lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water. Startled to be put on so much medication, Mike stammered, "Wow, Doc, exactly what is my problem?" The doctor replied, "You're not drinking enough water."
Giving
The pastor of a small church exhorted his flock to give generously when the collection plate was passed. "give," he pleaded, "as though it were going right back into you own pocket." After the service, the pastor chided one of the members: "George, I noticed that you let the collection plate go right by you in spite of my appeal." "Well, Reverend," the man replied, "I figured as long as the money was going back into my pocket anyway, it didn't need no round trip."
Gas Prices
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive....so, I took her to a gas station.
The catch
A man was returning home from a fishing trip. He was flying down the highway, going way too fast. He felt secure amongst a pack of cars, all traveling at the same speed. However, it wasn't long before he saw flashing lights in his review mirror and pulled over.
The officer handed him the citation, received his signature, and was about to walk away when the man stopped him. "Officer, I know I was speeding," he started, "but I don't think it's fair. There were plenty of other cars around me going just as fast, so why did I get the ticket?"
The officer tilted his head and gestured at the fishing gear stowed on the passenger seat. "I see you like fishing," he said.
"Ummm, yes I do... so?" the confused driver replied.
The officer grinned as he turned to leave. "Ever catch ALL the fish?"
The Dog Psychiatrist
Two poodles were chatting.
"I can't figure it out," said the first dog. "I'm in perfect physical shape, but I'm constantly anxious."
The second dog says, "Why don't you go to a psychiatrist?"
To this the first dog remarks, "How can I? I'm not allowed on the couch!"
Friday, July 18, 2008
Friday's Funnies
Therapy
My therapist told me that the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far today, I have finished two bags of chips and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.
The Fall
When the Methodist minister falls down the stairs, he picks himself up and says, "That was an experience, how do I learn from it?" When the Catholic priest falls down the stairs, he picks himself up and says, "I must have done something really bad to deserve that." When the Presbyterian minister falls down the stairs, he picks himself up and says, "That was inevitable, I'm glad it’s over." When the Baptist minister falls down the stairs, he picks himself up and says, "Which one of my deacons pushed me?"
Proof
You may have heard about a new bride who was a bit embarrassed to be known as a honeymooner. So when she and her husband pulled up to the hotel, she asked him if there was any way that they could make it appear that they had been married a long time. He responded, "Sure Honey. You carry the suitcases!"
Ten Things You Never Hear in Church
1. "Hey! It's my turn to sit in the front pew!"
2. "I was so enthralled, I never even noticed your sermon went 25 minutes overtime."
3. "Personally I find witnessing much more enjoyable than golf."
4. "I've decided to give our church the $500 a month I've been sending to TV evangelists."
5. "I'll volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the Junior High Sunday School class."
6. "Forget the denominational minimum salary. Let's pay our pastor so he can live like we do!"
7. "I love it when we sing hymns I've never heard before."
8. "Since we're all here, let's start the service early!"
9. "Pastor, we'd like to send you to this Bible seminar in the Bahamas."
10. "Nothing inspires me and strengthens my commitment to the Lord like our annual stewardship campaign."
+++++
A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I' m very grateful. How much did you spend?' To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.'There's no charge,' she says.'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.''So I just switched the heads.'
+++++
Fair price
A professor handed out the test to his students and returned to his desk to wait. When the test was over, the students filed over and handed in their papers.
As the professor was going through the submissions, he noticed one student had taped a hundred dollar bill to his test. On the bill the student had written 'A buck a point'.
The next day the professor handed back the tests.
The student who had attached the hundred also received an envelope containing 64 dollars. On it was written 'Here's your change'.
Tonsillectomy
A family was on the way to the hospital where their teenager was scheduled to undergo a tonsillectomy. During the ride they discussed how the procedure would be performed.
"Dad," the teenager asked, "how are they going to keep my mouth open during the surgery?"
Without missing a beat his father replied, "They're going to give you a phone."
My therapist told me that the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far today, I have finished two bags of chips and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.
The Fall
When the Methodist minister falls down the stairs, he picks himself up and says, "That was an experience, how do I learn from it?" When the Catholic priest falls down the stairs, he picks himself up and says, "I must have done something really bad to deserve that." When the Presbyterian minister falls down the stairs, he picks himself up and says, "That was inevitable, I'm glad it’s over." When the Baptist minister falls down the stairs, he picks himself up and says, "Which one of my deacons pushed me?"
Proof
You may have heard about a new bride who was a bit embarrassed to be known as a honeymooner. So when she and her husband pulled up to the hotel, she asked him if there was any way that they could make it appear that they had been married a long time. He responded, "Sure Honey. You carry the suitcases!"
Ten Things You Never Hear in Church
1. "Hey! It's my turn to sit in the front pew!"
2. "I was so enthralled, I never even noticed your sermon went 25 minutes overtime."
3. "Personally I find witnessing much more enjoyable than golf."
4. "I've decided to give our church the $500 a month I've been sending to TV evangelists."
5. "I'll volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the Junior High Sunday School class."
6. "Forget the denominational minimum salary. Let's pay our pastor so he can live like we do!"
7. "I love it when we sing hymns I've never heard before."
8. "Since we're all here, let's start the service early!"
9. "Pastor, we'd like to send you to this Bible seminar in the Bahamas."
10. "Nothing inspires me and strengthens my commitment to the Lord like our annual stewardship campaign."
+++++
A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I' m very grateful. How much did you spend?' To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.'There's no charge,' she says.'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.''So I just switched the heads.'
+++++
Fair price
A professor handed out the test to his students and returned to his desk to wait. When the test was over, the students filed over and handed in their papers.
As the professor was going through the submissions, he noticed one student had taped a hundred dollar bill to his test. On the bill the student had written 'A buck a point'.
The next day the professor handed back the tests.
The student who had attached the hundred also received an envelope containing 64 dollars. On it was written 'Here's your change'.
Tonsillectomy
A family was on the way to the hospital where their teenager was scheduled to undergo a tonsillectomy. During the ride they discussed how the procedure would be performed.
"Dad," the teenager asked, "how are they going to keep my mouth open during the surgery?"
Without missing a beat his father replied, "They're going to give you a phone."
Friday, July 11, 2008
Friday's Funnies
Unplugged
In my job as an electronics salesman, I've seen the rise in popularity of sport-utility vehicles and minivans, which has created a market for rear-seat entertainment. Monitors that keep passengers occupied with movies and television have been selling like crazy. One day as I was showing a young couple how a monitor could play videos, DVD's, and even pick up local TV stations, the husband asked matter-of-factly, "Does it get cable?"
My Mistake
An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried. The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way." A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."
How He Does It
A reporter was interviewing Jack Nicklaus. He said, "Jack, you are spectacular, your name is synonymous with the game of golf. You really know your way around the course. What is your secret?" To which Jack replied, "The holes are numbered!"
Truth In Labeling
Our supply clerk at the factory where I work, discovered a box that was left on the loading dock with this warning printed on it: DANGER DO NOT TOUCH! Management was called and all employees were told to stay clear of the box until it could be analyzed. When the foreman arrived, he donned gloves and safety glasses, and then, very carefully opened the box. Inside were 25 signs that read: DANGER! DO NOT TOUCH!
+++++
While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer, wine, and liquor section. One asked the other if she would like a beer.
The second nun answered that, indeed, it would be very nice to have one, but that she would feel uncomfortable about purchasing it.
The first nun replied that she would handle that without a problem. She picked up a six-pack and took it to the cashier.
The cashier had a very surprised look, so the nun said, "This is for washing our hair."
Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter and put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer.
"The curlers are on me."
+++++
"Name that boat"
A man wanted a boat more than anything. His wife kept saying that they could not afford one, but he bought one anyway.
"I'll tell you what," he told her. "In the spirit of compromise, why don't you name the boat?" Being a good sport, she accepted.
When the man went to the dock for the maiden voyage, this is the name he saw painted on the side: "For Sale."
+++++
"Baby coming?"
For weeks, a six-year old lad kept telling his teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house. One day his mother allowed him to feel the movements of the unborn child. The six-year old was obviously impressed, but made no comment. Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event.
The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, "Tommy, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?"
Tommy burst into tears and cried, "I think Mommy ate it!"
+++++
"Snakes"
Two snakes were out taking a stroll when one turned to the other and asked, "Are we poisonous?"
"Why yes we are," said the second.
Again the first snake asked, "Are you sure we're poisonous?"
"Yes we are very poisonous."
Again the snake asked, "Are we really, really poisonous?"
"Yes we are really, really poisonous. In fact we're the most poisonous snakes in the world. Why do you ask?"
"I just bit my lip!"
In my job as an electronics salesman, I've seen the rise in popularity of sport-utility vehicles and minivans, which has created a market for rear-seat entertainment. Monitors that keep passengers occupied with movies and television have been selling like crazy. One day as I was showing a young couple how a monitor could play videos, DVD's, and even pick up local TV stations, the husband asked matter-of-factly, "Does it get cable?"
My Mistake
An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried. The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way." A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."
How He Does It
A reporter was interviewing Jack Nicklaus. He said, "Jack, you are spectacular, your name is synonymous with the game of golf. You really know your way around the course. What is your secret?" To which Jack replied, "The holes are numbered!"
Truth In Labeling
Our supply clerk at the factory where I work, discovered a box that was left on the loading dock with this warning printed on it: DANGER DO NOT TOUCH! Management was called and all employees were told to stay clear of the box until it could be analyzed. When the foreman arrived, he donned gloves and safety glasses, and then, very carefully opened the box. Inside were 25 signs that read: DANGER! DO NOT TOUCH!
+++++
While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer, wine, and liquor section. One asked the other if she would like a beer.
The second nun answered that, indeed, it would be very nice to have one, but that she would feel uncomfortable about purchasing it.
The first nun replied that she would handle that without a problem. She picked up a six-pack and took it to the cashier.
The cashier had a very surprised look, so the nun said, "This is for washing our hair."
Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter and put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer.
"The curlers are on me."
+++++
"Name that boat"
A man wanted a boat more than anything. His wife kept saying that they could not afford one, but he bought one anyway.
"I'll tell you what," he told her. "In the spirit of compromise, why don't you name the boat?" Being a good sport, she accepted.
When the man went to the dock for the maiden voyage, this is the name he saw painted on the side: "For Sale."
+++++
"Baby coming?"
For weeks, a six-year old lad kept telling his teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house. One day his mother allowed him to feel the movements of the unborn child. The six-year old was obviously impressed, but made no comment. Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event.
The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, "Tommy, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?"
Tommy burst into tears and cried, "I think Mommy ate it!"
+++++
"Snakes"
Two snakes were out taking a stroll when one turned to the other and asked, "Are we poisonous?"
"Why yes we are," said the second.
Again the first snake asked, "Are you sure we're poisonous?"
"Yes we are very poisonous."
Again the snake asked, "Are we really, really poisonous?"
"Yes we are really, really poisonous. In fact we're the most poisonous snakes in the world. Why do you ask?"
"I just bit my lip!"
Friday, July 4, 2008
Friday's Funnies
One year, Johnny's family was having an "extended family" 4th of July cookout at their home. One of the special treats that year was lighting the fireworks (Roman candles, bottle rockets, missile batteries, etc.) they had bought out of state (they're illegal in their state, of course!).
Just before they were to arrive, a cousin called, saying his neighbors' plans had just fallen through and asking if he bring them along to the picnic -- they even had extra food to bring. "Sure, the more the merrier!"
When the cousin arrived with his neighbors, it was discovered that the head of that family was a police officer. Johnny's father turned as innocently as he could to his son and whispered to him to grab the paper bag of fireworks sitting in the kitchen and hide them somewhere quickly. Johnny disappeared, and the father changed the topic to food for the day. This family had brought some chicken to grill, so the father told them the gas grill was all set to use out back -- they just had to turn on the gas and push the ignition button with the lid still closed.
They headed out to the back as Johnny returned through the front door. The father hurried to him and said, "Whew, that was close! That man's a police officer, and he almost saw the fireworks. Did you hide them real well?"
"Oh, yeah, nobody will ever think to look in the grill!"
+++++
OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.'
KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle.'
POLICE
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop? Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report. My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?' 'Yes, that's right,' I told her. 'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?'
ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'
DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: 'Glory be unto the Faaather and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes.'
+++++
While I was working as a pediatric nurse, I had the difficult assignment of giving immunization shots to children. One day I entered the examining room to give four-year-old Lizzie her shot.
"NO! NO! NO!" she screamed.
"Lizzie," her mother scolded. "That's not polite behavior."
At that, the girl yelled even louder, "NO, THANK YOU! NO, THANK YOU! NO, THANK YOU!"
+++++
At the scale manufacturers' convention, people often wanted to weigh themselves on different scales to see if they agreed. However, some visitors abstained, not wishing to advertise their weight.
A smooth-talking representative coaxed a woman onto his scale by promising her that he would not look and that she could even cover the digital display so only she could see her weight.
She finally stood on the scale, whereupon a loud, mechanical voice from within the machine announced: "One hundred and sixty-three pounds."
+++++
Reaching the end of a job interview, the interviewer asked a young engineer, "What starting salary were you thinking about?"
The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."
The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?"
The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"
The interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."
Just before they were to arrive, a cousin called, saying his neighbors' plans had just fallen through and asking if he bring them along to the picnic -- they even had extra food to bring. "Sure, the more the merrier!"
When the cousin arrived with his neighbors, it was discovered that the head of that family was a police officer. Johnny's father turned as innocently as he could to his son and whispered to him to grab the paper bag of fireworks sitting in the kitchen and hide them somewhere quickly. Johnny disappeared, and the father changed the topic to food for the day. This family had brought some chicken to grill, so the father told them the gas grill was all set to use out back -- they just had to turn on the gas and push the ignition button with the lid still closed.
They headed out to the back as Johnny returned through the front door. The father hurried to him and said, "Whew, that was close! That man's a police officer, and he almost saw the fireworks. Did you hide them real well?"
"Oh, yeah, nobody will ever think to look in the grill!"
+++++
OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.'
KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle.'
POLICE
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop? Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report. My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?' 'Yes, that's right,' I told her. 'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?'
ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'
DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: 'Glory be unto the Faaather and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes.'
+++++
While I was working as a pediatric nurse, I had the difficult assignment of giving immunization shots to children. One day I entered the examining room to give four-year-old Lizzie her shot.
"NO! NO! NO!" she screamed.
"Lizzie," her mother scolded. "That's not polite behavior."
At that, the girl yelled even louder, "NO, THANK YOU! NO, THANK YOU! NO, THANK YOU!"
+++++
At the scale manufacturers' convention, people often wanted to weigh themselves on different scales to see if they agreed. However, some visitors abstained, not wishing to advertise their weight.
A smooth-talking representative coaxed a woman onto his scale by promising her that he would not look and that she could even cover the digital display so only she could see her weight.
She finally stood on the scale, whereupon a loud, mechanical voice from within the machine announced: "One hundred and sixty-three pounds."
+++++
Reaching the end of a job interview, the interviewer asked a young engineer, "What starting salary were you thinking about?"
The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."
The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?"
The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"
The interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."
Friday, June 27, 2008
Friday's Funnies
Overheard
While watching a movie recently, I couldn't hear the dialogue over the chatter of the two women sitting in front of me. Unable to bear it any longer, I tapped one of them on the shoulder. "Excuse me," I said, "I can't hear." "I should hope not," she replied sharply. "This is a private conversation."
The Greatest
"I'm the greatest batter in the world," said the proud boy as he tossed the ball into the air and swung his bat. He missed. Undaunted, he threw the ball up again and said, "I'm the greatest batter ever!" He missed again. He looked at his ball and then his bat. Once more he tossed the ball up into the air. "I'm the greatest batter who ever lived!" He swung hard and missed. "Wow!" he exclaimed. "And I'm an even better pitcher!"
Good Question
I worked in the biology department at Buffalo State College in New York. The Great Lakes Laboratory, also stationed at the college, employed a licensed boat captain to man its research vessel. It was common knowledge that the captain couldn't swim. When newcomers learned of this, they would approach him about it. "Is it true?" one of them asked incredulously. "You, a boat captain, can't swim?" "No, I can't," he replied. "Can airplane pilots fly?"
Best Out-Of-Office Automatic E-mail Replies
- I am currently out of the office at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Please be prepared for my mood.
- You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.
- Sorry to have missed you, but I'm at the doctor's having my brain and heart removed so I can be promoted to our management team.
- I will be unable to delete all the e-mails you send me until I return from vacation. Please be patient, and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.
- Thank you for your e-mail. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first 10 words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.
- The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection. Your message has not been delivered. Please restart your computer and try sending again.
- Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.
- Hi, I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.
Ready But Not Willing
A friend of mine is a deputy with the sheriff's department canine unit. One evening, the deputy was dispatched to the scene of a possible burglary, where he discovered the back door of a building ajar. He let the dog out his patrol car and commanded it to enter and seek.
Jumping from the back seat, the dog headed for the building. After lunging through the doorway, the dog froze and backed out. My friend was puzzled until he investigated further and saw the sign on the building: "Veterinarian's Office."
Hard work
The manager is reviewing a potential employee's application and notes that the fellow has never worked in retail before.
"For a man with no experience," says he, "you are certainly asking a high wage."
"Well Sir," the applicant replies, "the work is so much harder when you don't know what you're doing..."
Hearing Aid
My wife and I laughed when John, a neighbor, told us how his hearing aid occasionally emits a high-pitched squeal that can be heard by anyone near him. His granddaughter was sitting on his lap one day when the device started to beep.
Surprised, the granddaughter looked up at him and said, "Oh, Grampa, you've got e-mail!"
Auto Accident
Officer, this is how the fight started... I rear-ended the car in front of me. I admit that. It was my fault.
So, we both pull over to the side of the road, and slowly the driver of the car I hit gets out of his car. . . and you know how you just-get-sooo stressed.... and life... sometimes life seems like... suddenly funny?
Well, the driver of the car I hit is a DWARF! He gets out of his car and I get out of my car. He is frowning and scowling and he storms over to me. Right up close at me, he looks up in my face and says, "I AM NOT HAPPY!"
I don't know what possessed me, officer, but I looked down at him and I said, "Well, if you're not Happy -- which one are you?"
…… and that's how the fight started...
While watching a movie recently, I couldn't hear the dialogue over the chatter of the two women sitting in front of me. Unable to bear it any longer, I tapped one of them on the shoulder. "Excuse me," I said, "I can't hear." "I should hope not," she replied sharply. "This is a private conversation."
The Greatest
"I'm the greatest batter in the world," said the proud boy as he tossed the ball into the air and swung his bat. He missed. Undaunted, he threw the ball up again and said, "I'm the greatest batter ever!" He missed again. He looked at his ball and then his bat. Once more he tossed the ball up into the air. "I'm the greatest batter who ever lived!" He swung hard and missed. "Wow!" he exclaimed. "And I'm an even better pitcher!"
Good Question
I worked in the biology department at Buffalo State College in New York. The Great Lakes Laboratory, also stationed at the college, employed a licensed boat captain to man its research vessel. It was common knowledge that the captain couldn't swim. When newcomers learned of this, they would approach him about it. "Is it true?" one of them asked incredulously. "You, a boat captain, can't swim?" "No, I can't," he replied. "Can airplane pilots fly?"
Best Out-Of-Office Automatic E-mail Replies
- I am currently out of the office at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Please be prepared for my mood.
- You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.
- Sorry to have missed you, but I'm at the doctor's having my brain and heart removed so I can be promoted to our management team.
- I will be unable to delete all the e-mails you send me until I return from vacation. Please be patient, and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.
- Thank you for your e-mail. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first 10 words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.
- The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection. Your message has not been delivered. Please restart your computer and try sending again.
- Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.
- Hi, I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.
Ready But Not Willing
A friend of mine is a deputy with the sheriff's department canine unit. One evening, the deputy was dispatched to the scene of a possible burglary, where he discovered the back door of a building ajar. He let the dog out his patrol car and commanded it to enter and seek.
Jumping from the back seat, the dog headed for the building. After lunging through the doorway, the dog froze and backed out. My friend was puzzled until he investigated further and saw the sign on the building: "Veterinarian's Office."
Hard work
The manager is reviewing a potential employee's application and notes that the fellow has never worked in retail before.
"For a man with no experience," says he, "you are certainly asking a high wage."
"Well Sir," the applicant replies, "the work is so much harder when you don't know what you're doing..."
Hearing Aid
My wife and I laughed when John, a neighbor, told us how his hearing aid occasionally emits a high-pitched squeal that can be heard by anyone near him. His granddaughter was sitting on his lap one day when the device started to beep.
Surprised, the granddaughter looked up at him and said, "Oh, Grampa, you've got e-mail!"
Auto Accident
Officer, this is how the fight started... I rear-ended the car in front of me. I admit that. It was my fault.
So, we both pull over to the side of the road, and slowly the driver of the car I hit gets out of his car. . . and you know how you just-get-sooo stressed.... and life... sometimes life seems like... suddenly funny?
Well, the driver of the car I hit is a DWARF! He gets out of his car and I get out of my car. He is frowning and scowling and he storms over to me. Right up close at me, he looks up in my face and says, "I AM NOT HAPPY!"
I don't know what possessed me, officer, but I looked down at him and I said, "Well, if you're not Happy -- which one are you?"
…… and that's how the fight started...
Friday, June 20, 2008
Friday's Funnies
There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So the rich man began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.
An angel hears his plea and appears to him. "Sorry Rich Man, but you can't take your wealth with you."
The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules. The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him.
The angel reappears and informs the man that God had decided to allow him to take one suit-case with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed.
Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter. Peter seeing the suitcase says, "Hold on, you can't bring that in here!" But, the man explains to Peter that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord.
Sure enough, Peter checks and comes back saying, "You're right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check its contents before letting it through."
Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims...
"You brought pavement?!?"
+++++
Knowing Trash
I've been hauling trash for years, so when the sign "Garbage" appeared on a trash can, I replaced it with my own note: "After 20 years on the job, I know garbage when I see it!" I emptied the can and left. The next week, a new note appeared on the same can: "Dear Professor Trash, the garbage can is the garbage."
25 Easy Ways to Curb the Annoying Problem of Church Growth
- Begin your message with the phrase, "You know what's wrong with you people..."
- Begin that year-long sermon series on the 40 weeks of Daniel.
- Place tire puncture strips in the parking lot for cars going the wrong way before Sunday school. - Keep the Christmas pageant livestock in the church choir room year 'round.
- If your auditorium slopes downward to the platform, give every kid under 12 a handful of marbles before the service.
- Give deacons the ability to "gong" the special music.
- Place the outdoor welcome center tent a few feet from the septic tank.
- Replace the pictures of former pastors with pictures of Larry, Moe, and Curly.
- Put a blank for "weight" on the membership information forms.
- In order to feel relevant, say "Dude" 15 times from the pulpit each Sunday.
- Have the organist play hockey cheers at pivotal moments of the sermon.
- Before the offertory hymn, have the worship leader scream, "Show me the money!"
- Illustrate all sermons or Sunday school lessons with scenes from "Walker, Texas Ranger."
- Charge tolls for the use of restrooms.
Enough Said
Margaret had spent weeks preparing the older members of her junior church for their move to the adult church service. Much to her chagrin, during their first service there, one boy in the front row was talking and giggling nonstop. Finally, unable to put up with it any longer, she whispered to the lad seated next to her, "Please go up there and tell that one he's done enough talking and had better stop, right now!" Without question, the boy rose and walked to the front...and delivered Margaret's message to the surprised pastor in the middle of his sermon!
Slim Chance
Rosey and Nina were best of friends and tried to do everything together. Rosey announced that she was going to start a diet to lose some pounds she had put on recently. "Good," Nina exclaimed. "I'm ready to start a diet too. We can be dieting buddies and help each other out. And when I feel the urge to drive out and get a burger and fries, I'll call you first." "Great," Rosey replied. "I'll ride with you to Burger King."
+++++
Two bowling teams, one of all blondes and one of all brunettes, chartered a double-decker bus for a weekend gambling trip.
The brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus, and the blonde team rode on the top level.
The brunette team down below really whooped it up, having a great time, when one of the brunettes realized she had not heard anything from the blondes upstairs.
She decided to go up and investigate. When the brunette reached the top, she found all the blondes in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.
The brunette asked, "What in the world is going on up here? We are having a great time downstairs!"
One of the blondes looked at her, swallowed hard, and whispered, "YEAH, BUT YOU HAVE A DRIVER!"
An angel hears his plea and appears to him. "Sorry Rich Man, but you can't take your wealth with you."
The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules. The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him.
The angel reappears and informs the man that God had decided to allow him to take one suit-case with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed.
Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter. Peter seeing the suitcase says, "Hold on, you can't bring that in here!" But, the man explains to Peter that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord.
Sure enough, Peter checks and comes back saying, "You're right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check its contents before letting it through."
Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims...
"You brought pavement?!?"
+++++
Knowing Trash
I've been hauling trash for years, so when the sign "Garbage" appeared on a trash can, I replaced it with my own note: "After 20 years on the job, I know garbage when I see it!" I emptied the can and left. The next week, a new note appeared on the same can: "Dear Professor Trash, the garbage can is the garbage."
25 Easy Ways to Curb the Annoying Problem of Church Growth
- Begin your message with the phrase, "You know what's wrong with you people..."
- Begin that year-long sermon series on the 40 weeks of Daniel.
- Place tire puncture strips in the parking lot for cars going the wrong way before Sunday school. - Keep the Christmas pageant livestock in the church choir room year 'round.
- If your auditorium slopes downward to the platform, give every kid under 12 a handful of marbles before the service.
- Give deacons the ability to "gong" the special music.
- Place the outdoor welcome center tent a few feet from the septic tank.
- Replace the pictures of former pastors with pictures of Larry, Moe, and Curly.
- Put a blank for "weight" on the membership information forms.
- In order to feel relevant, say "Dude" 15 times from the pulpit each Sunday.
- Have the organist play hockey cheers at pivotal moments of the sermon.
- Before the offertory hymn, have the worship leader scream, "Show me the money!"
- Illustrate all sermons or Sunday school lessons with scenes from "Walker, Texas Ranger."
- Charge tolls for the use of restrooms.
Enough Said
Margaret had spent weeks preparing the older members of her junior church for their move to the adult church service. Much to her chagrin, during their first service there, one boy in the front row was talking and giggling nonstop. Finally, unable to put up with it any longer, she whispered to the lad seated next to her, "Please go up there and tell that one he's done enough talking and had better stop, right now!" Without question, the boy rose and walked to the front...and delivered Margaret's message to the surprised pastor in the middle of his sermon!
Slim Chance
Rosey and Nina were best of friends and tried to do everything together. Rosey announced that she was going to start a diet to lose some pounds she had put on recently. "Good," Nina exclaimed. "I'm ready to start a diet too. We can be dieting buddies and help each other out. And when I feel the urge to drive out and get a burger and fries, I'll call you first." "Great," Rosey replied. "I'll ride with you to Burger King."
+++++
Two bowling teams, one of all blondes and one of all brunettes, chartered a double-decker bus for a weekend gambling trip.
The brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus, and the blonde team rode on the top level.
The brunette team down below really whooped it up, having a great time, when one of the brunettes realized she had not heard anything from the blondes upstairs.
She decided to go up and investigate. When the brunette reached the top, she found all the blondes in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.
The brunette asked, "What in the world is going on up here? We are having a great time downstairs!"
One of the blondes looked at her, swallowed hard, and whispered, "YEAH, BUT YOU HAVE A DRIVER!"
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)