Friday's Funnies

 

The Scale

 

Two children went into their parent's bathroom and noticed the scale in the corner. "Whatever you do," cautioned one child to the younger one, "don't step on it!" "Why not?" asked the sibling. "Because every time mom does, she lets out an awful scream!"

 

Phone Book

I asked my daughter to give me the phone book. She laughed at me, called me a dinosaur, and lent me her iPhone. So the spider is dead, the iPhone is broken, and my daughter is furious.

 

The Mind of a Ten-Year-Old

 

Trying to impress upon his son how technology has changed things, the father said "Timmy, name one important thing we have now that we didn't have twelve years ago."  Without hesitation Timmy said, "That's easy, me!"

 

One-Liners

 

·         Apparently, you can't use 'beefstew' as a password. It's not stroganoff.

·         You're having a bad day when you see a sign in your dentist's office that says, "No pain, no gain."

·         I ate a kid's meal at McDonald's today. His mom got really angry.

·         No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

·         Nothing tops a plain pizza.

·         If you have to wear both mask and glasses, you may be entitled to condensation.

·         My son wants to study burrowing rodents. I told him to gopher it.

·         Water is heavier than butane because butane is a lighter fluid.

·         Lego Store re-opens after lockdown! Folks lined up for blocks!

·         I pulled a muscle digging for gold. Just a miner injury.

·         I’m going to start collecting highlighters. Mark my words!

·         Tonight I’m having Himalayan rabbit stew for dinner. I found himalayan on the road.

·         Where do spaghetti and sauce go to dance?  The meat ball.

·         I felt sick when I didn't get toast with my breakfast.  It turns out I'm lack-toast intolerant.

·         Is this pool safe for diving? It deep ends.

·         What do you call a pile of kittens? A meowntain.

 

Redneck Ten Commandments

 

1. God is number one... and das' All.
2. Don't pray to nuttin' or nobody... jus' God.
3. Don't cuss nobody... 'specially da Good Lord.
4. When it be Sunday... pass yo'self by God's House.
5. Yo mama an' yo daddy dun did it all... lissen to dem.
6. Killin' duck an' fish, das' OK... people - No!
7. God done give you a wife... sleep wit' jus' her.
8. Don't take nobody's boat... or nuttin' else.
9. Don't go wantin' somebody's stuff.
10. Stop lyin'... yo tongue gonna fall out yo mouf!

What A Hoot

Each evening, bird lover Tom stood in his backyard, hooting like an owl; and one night, an owl called back to him.  For a year, the man and his feathered friend hooted back and forth.  He even kept a log of the "conversation."  Just as he thought he was on the verge of a breakthrough in interspecies communication, his wife had a chat with her next door neighbor.  "My husband spends his nights calling out to owls," she said.  "That's odd," the neighbor replied, "so does my husband."

How Things Have Changed

It turns out that being an adult now is mostly just googling how to do stuff.

Just Take It Slow

A turtle is crossing the road when he's mugged by two chipmunks. When the police show up, they ask him what happened. The shaken turtle replies, "I don't know. It all happened so fast."

Wisdom

·         It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

·         If all is not lost, just where is it?

·         Lettin' the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back.

·         To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal them from many is research.

·         A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

·         I wish the buck stopped here. I sure could use a few.

·         It's not hard to meet expenses. They're everywhere.

 

Goat for Dinner

 

The young couple invited their elderly pastor for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having.  "Goat," the little boy replied.

"Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth, "Are you sure about that?"  "Yep,"said the youngster.

"I heard Dad say to Mom, "Today is just as good as any to have the old goat for dinner." 

 

Dad Joke

 

Dad, are we pyromaniacs? Yes, we arson. 

 

Today’s Thought

 

Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke? He won the "no-bell" prize.

 

 

Friday's Funnies

 

Happy Easter

One Easter, a father was teaching his son to drive when out of nowhere a rabbit jumped on the road.  Slamming on the brakes, the son said, "I nearly ruined Easter! I almost ran over the Easter Bunny."  His father replied, "It's okay son—you missed it by a hare."

Paintbrush

A guy goes door to door looking for work. One homeowner hands him a brush and a can of paint and offers him $100 to paint his porch.  A few hours later, the guy comes back to the homeowner and says, "I'm finished, but you should know that your car's a Mercedes, not a Porsche."

Spray Paint

A man went to see his doctor. "Someone sprayed graffiti all over my house last night," he said. "Why are you telling me," asked the confused doctor. "I couldn't understand the writing," the man replied. "Was it you?"

Paint Roller

A businessman went into the office and found an inexperienced handyman rolling paint onto the walls. The handyman was wearing two heavy jackets, even though it was a hot summer day. Thinking this was a little strange, the businessman asked the handyman why he was wearing the jackets on such a hot day.  The handyman showed him the instructions on the can of paint. They read: "For best results, put on two coats."

One-Liners

·         When you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

·         A backward poet writes inverse.

·         He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

·         When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

·         A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

·         When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

·         A boiled egg is hard to beat.

 

Watcha Talk?

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all watching a street performer do some excellent juggling. The juggler notices that the four gentlemen have a poor view, so he stands on a large box and asks, "Can you all see me now?" They respond, "Yes." "Oui." "Si." "Ja." (Hint: Say it out loud.)

Riddle

Question: Who is bigger? Mr. Bigger or Mr. Bigger's baby?
Answer: Mr. Bigger's baby because he is a little Bigger!

Sacked!

One night a burglar, needing money to pay his taxes, decided to burgle a safe in a mom and pop grocery store. On the safe door was a note that read "Please don't use dynamite. The safe is not locked. Just turn the handle." He was quite pleased with this turn of events so he followed the instructions. Instantly a heavy sandbag fell on him, the entire store was floodlighted, and alarms started sounding. As the police carried him out on a stretcher, he was heard moaning: "My confidence in human nature has been terribly shaken."

What A Comfort

Mary hated the idea of surgery. So she was very upset when the doctor informed her that she needed a tonsillectomy. Mary after much deliberation, decided to go ahead and have the procedure. While she and the nurse were filling out an admission form, she was so nervous she couldn't think straight or hardly speak. The nurse, being a compassionate sort, patted her hand and said, "Don't worry. This is a simple medical procedure, and a problem that can easily be fixed." "I am sure you are right. I'm being silly," Mary said, "Please continue." "Good," the nurse went on, "Now, do you have a living will?"

Working Out

New to town, I was eager to meet people and make friends. So one day I struck up a conversation with the only other woman in the gym. Pointing to two men playing racquetball in a nearby court, I said to her, "There's my husband." Then I added, "The thin one — not the fat one." After a slightly uncomfortable silence, she replied, "And that's my husband — the fat one."

Church Bloopers

~ The group of ladies called Moms Who Care and pray for the children in school had their meeting cancelled: There will be no Moms who care this week.

~ Diana and David request your presents at their wedding.

~ Lent is that period for preparing for Holy Weed and Easter.

~ Childcare provided with reservations.

~ Tonight, Pastor will preach on "Diving Healing."

~ Mark your calendars not to attend the church retreat.

~ My joke is easy and my burden is light.

~ Boars of Trustees meet after church today.

~ We are always happy to have you sue our facility.

~ All children are requested to bring fresh followers to decorate the cross for Easter Sunday.

Today’s Thought

What happened to the Easter Bunny when he misbehaved at school? He was eggspelled!