Friday's Funnies

2020

Have we tried unplugging 2020, waiting 30 seconds, and plugging it back in?

Punny Thoughts

The first time I got a remote control I thought, "This changes everything!" 

Why do the French eat snails?  Because they hate fast food!

What is the best thing about living in Switzerland?  Their flag is a big plus!

The courtroom artist was arrested for an unknown reason, the details are sketchy!

I bought a dictionary and when I got home I found all the pages were blank .  I have no words for how angry I am!

My math teacher called me average - how mean!

I'm glad I know sign language - it's pretty handy!

My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture - I have a hunch it might be me!

My friends and I played hide-and-seek.  It went on for hours.  Good friends are hard to find!

My parents are actually telling me that their world doesn't revolve around me.  I guess I'm not really their sun.

Wasp Bomb

Jon asked the clerk if the wasp bomb was good for wasps. The clerk said, ‘No! It’ll kill ‘em!!’

Best Out Of Office Messages

~ I am currently at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position.

~ You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.

~ I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation on April 4th. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

~ Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.

~ The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again

~ Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

~ I've run away to join a different circus.

 Roman Numerals

One of my college friends asked a group of us for advice on organizing his final report for the year.  "Why don't you use Roman numerals to head the different sections?" another friend suggested.  "I thought of that," he replied. "But my keyboard doesn't have Roman numerals on it."

Helping Daddy

One day a young boy ran crying to his mother and rubbing his behind.  His mother said, "Bobby, why are you crying?"  "Because daddy hit his thumb with the hammer!" little Bobby wailed.  "Why, that's not something to cry over," his mother told him. "That should make you laugh."  Bobby rubbed his behind and said tearfully, "I DID laugh!"

What She Said... 

My husband is wonderful with our baby daughter, but often he turns to me for advice. Recently, I was in the shower when he poked his head in to ask, "What should I feed Lily for lunch?" "That's up to you," I replied. "There's all kinds of food. Why don't you pretend I'm not at home?" A few minutes later, my cell phone rang. I answered it to hear my husband asking, "Yeah, hi, Honey. Uh...what should I feed Lily for lunch?"

Throw Back: Heard By Tech Support

Customer: "I have Microword Soft."
Customer: "Microwave Windows?"
Customer: "Will this upgrade include Microwave 97?"
Customer: (Referring to Microsoft Defrag.) "I ran Microwave Defrost, but it didn't help."
Customer: "I have Microsoft Exploder."
Customer: "I have Microscope Exploiter."
Customer: "I have Netscape Complicator."
Customer: "I have Netscape Regulator."
Customer: "Uhh...I have Newscape and Outlook Exposure."
Customer: "I have a US Robotics Sportscaster modem."
Customer: "It's not my computer that is slow. I have a 200 horse power hard drive."

Today’s Thought

I never thought the comment, "I wouldn't touch you with a 6-foot pole" would become a national policy, but here we are!

Friday's Funnies

 

Today’s Reality

Just saw a burglar kicking his own door in. I asked, "What are you doing?" He said, "Working from home."

Duck

A kindergarten teacher handed out a coloring page to her class. On it was a picture of a duck holding an umbrella.  The teacher told her class to color the duck in yellow and the umbrella green. However, Jon, who always does things HIS way, colored the duck in a bright fire truck red.  After seeing this, the teacher asked him: "Jon, how many times have you seen a red duck?"  Young Jon replied with "The same number of times I've seen a duck holding an umbrella."

Location, Location, Location

Real Estate Agent: "This house has its good points and its bad points. The disadvantages are a chemical plant one block south and a slaughterhouse a block north."

Prospective Buyer: "Yikes. What are the advantages?"

Agent: "You can always tell which way the wind is blowing."

"Lexophile" describes those that have a love of words, especially in word games, such as: "To write

with a broken pencil is pointless."  An annual competition is held in New York Times to see who can create the best original lexophile.  This year's submissions:    

I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes

This girl today said she recognized me from the Vegetarians Club, but I'd swear I've never met

herbivore.

I know a guy who's addicted to drinking brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.

I got some batteries that were given out free of charge.

A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

A will is a dead giveaway.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He's all right now.

A bicycle can't stand alone; it's just two tired.

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine last week is now fully recovered.

He had a photographic memory but it was never fully developed.

When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye

Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the crossed-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her

pupils?

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

The Anniversary 

For their anniversary, a couple went out for a romantic dinner. Their teenage daughters said they would fix a dessert and leave it waiting. When they got home, they saw that the dining room table was beautifully set with china, crystal and candles, and there was a note that read: "Your dessert is in the refrigerator. We are staying with friends, so go ahead and do something we wouldn't do!" "Well, I suppose," the husband responded dryly, "we could clean the house."

Just Helping

My brother-in-law noticed an elderly lady slowly pushing a cart through the supermarket parking lot. Trying to be courteous, he insisted on taking it over for her as she struggled alongside, doing her best to keep up. At the entrance, he said, "Here you go, Ma'am," and gave her the cart. Catching her breath, she said, "Thank you, young man, but I was using it to lean on."

Speed Dial

I put my grandma on speed dial. I called that Instagram.

Today’s Thought

I hate it when people act all intellectual and talk about Mozart when they haven't even seen one of his paintings.

 

Friday's Funnies

 

Five Steps to a Healthy Diet

The Federal Drug and Food Administration is planning to issue a guide for proper eating that advises you to:

A. List your ten favorite foods.
B. List your five favorite beverages.
C. List all green vegetables that look like marsh grass, fur balls, or little trees.
D. List water.
E. Avoid A & B; eat only C; drink only D.

Payback

The cable repairman was on my street and asked me what time it was.

I told him it was between 1:00 pm and 5:00 pm.

 

Duct Tape

Duct Tape is like The Force - It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

 

Woman Of Your Dreams?

A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met the woman of his dreams.  Now what should he do?  His mother had an idea: "Why don't you send her flowers, and on the card invite her to your apartment for a home-cooked meal?"  He thought this was a great strategy, and a week later, the woman came to dinner.  His mother called the next day to see how things had gone.  "I was totally humiliated," he moaned.  "She insisted on washing the dishes."  "What's wrong with that?" asked his mother.  "We hadn't started eating yet."

 

Dad Jokes

·         "Dad, did you get a haircut?" "No, I got them all cut!"

·         "My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right!"

·         "How do you get a squirrel to like you? Act like a nut."

·         "Why don't eggs tell jokes? They'd crack each other up."

·         "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."

·         "What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows."

·         "Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to spread it!"

·         "Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired."

·         "Dad, can you put my shoes on?" "No, I don't think they'll fit me."

·         "Why can't a nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot."

·         "This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in."

·         "Dad, can you put the cat out?" "I didn't know it was on fire."

·         "What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y."

·         "How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles."

·         "What concert costs just 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!"

·         "How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it."

·         "Why did the math book look so sad? Because of all of its problems!"

·         "What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese."

·         "What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers!"

·         "How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together."

·         "I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it."

·         "Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field."

·         "I made a pencil with two erasers. It was pointless."

·         "How do you make a Kleenex dance? Put a little boogie in it!"

·         "I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!"

·         "Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke? He won the 'no-bell' prize."

·         "I've got a great joke about construction, but I'm still working on it."

·         "I used to hate facial hair...but then it grew on me."

·         "I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner—it was just gathering dust!"

·         "I had a neck brace fitted years ago and I've never looked back since."

·         "You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine."

·         "What's brown and sticky? A stick."

·         "Why can't you hear a psychiatrist using the bathroom? Because the 'P' is silent."

·         "What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant."

·         "What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk."

·         "I like telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he laughs!"

·         "Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!"

·         "If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?"

·         "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know."

·         "It takes guts to be an organ donor."

·         "If you see a crime at an Apple Store, does that make you an iWitness?"

·         "I'm so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!"

·         "It's inappropriate to make a 'dad joke' if you're not a dad. It's a faux pa."

·         "Did you hear about the circus fire? It was in tents."

·         "Can February March? No, but April May!"

·         "How do lawyers say goodbye? We'll be suing ya!"

·         "Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind—it's tearable."

·         "What's the best way to watch a fly fishing tournament? Live stream."

·         "Spring is here! I got so excited I wet my plants."

·         "I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy."

·         "Don't trust atoms. They make up everything!"

·         "When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent."

·         "I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off."

·         "What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of a computer? The space bar."

·         "I don't play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I'm just doing it for kicks!"

·         "Why are elevator jokes so classic and good? They work on many levels."

·         "Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb."

·         "What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta."

·         "Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island."

·         "What did the coffee report to the police? A mugging."

·         "What did the fish say when he hit the wall? Dam."

·         "Is this pool safe for diving? It deep ends."

 

Today’s Thought

A police office came to my house and asked where I was between 5 and 6. He seemed irritated when I answered "kindergarten."