Friday's Funnies

Things to ponder

1. I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

2. Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

3. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

4. If quitters never win, and winners never quit, then who is the fool who said, "Quit while you're ahead?"

5. Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die

6. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

7. Some people are like Slinkies... not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

8. Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

9. Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?

10. In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

11. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Sermons

There’s a story told about a lone cowboy who went to an evening service at a little country church up in Montana. There was a snowstorm and the only two people who showed up were the preacher and the cowboy. They waited and waited.   Finally the preacher said, "Well, I guess we might as well go on home, it doesn't look like anyone else is going to show up."   The cowboy responded, "Now preacher, when I go out to feed cattle, and only one cow shows up, I still feed her!"   The preacher said "Okay," and proceeded to preach an hour-long sermon.   After it was over the cowboy said, "Preacher, that was a good sermon, but you know, when I feed cattle, and only one cow shows up, I don’t give her the whole load!" 

What Goes Around...

When my three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from his grandmother, he discovered a water pistol. He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink. I was not so pleased. I turned to Mom and said, "I'm surprised at you. Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?" Mom, with a little grin, replied, "I remember."

Tech Support

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communication equipment. Due to the clouds and haze the pilot could not determine his position or course to steer to the airport. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign and held it in the helicopter's window. The sign said "WHERE AM I?" People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drawing a large sign, visible through a building window. Their sign said, "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER." The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map and determined the course to steer to the Seattle/Tacoma airport and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the "You Are in a Helicopter" sign helped determine their position. The pilot responded, "I knew that had to be the Microsoft building because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless reply.”  

Unemployed

A guy had been out of work for months and was getting desperate to find a job, so he decided to stop by the local zoo and apply for a job there. The director of the zoo said they weren't hiring, so as the dejected man turned to leave the director noticed how large he was. He stopped the guy and said, "Wait. I have an idea. Our gorilla died a couple of weeks ago and he was our main attraction. It will be months before we are able to get another gorilla. Would you be willing to dress like a gorilla? It would really help us out of a jam."  Being desperate for work, he took the job. The first few days were incredibly boring, so to liven things up a bit he started doing some tricks and really putting on a show. Before long, huge crowds were gathered to watch what they thought was a real gorilla.   One day, while showing off, he was on a rope and was swinging out over the lion’s cage when the rope broke. He was terrified as he noticed a lion approaching him. He was afraid to scream for help thinking he might lose his job, but was afraid that if he didn't yell for help he might lose his life. So, he yelled out, "Help! Help!"   About that time the lion spoke up and said, "Shut up! Do you want to get us both fired?!"

Pearly Gates

A man dies. Of course, St. Peter meets him at the Pearly Gates.  St. Peter says, "Here's how it works. You need 100 points to make it into heaven. You tell me all the good things you've done, and I give you a certain number of points for each item, depending on how good it was. When you reach 100 points, you get in."  "Okay," the man says, "I was married to the same woman for 50 years and never cheated on her, even in my heart."  "That's wonderful," says St. Peter, "that's worth three points!"  "Three points?" he says. "Well, I attended church all my life and supported its ministry with my tithe and service."  "Terrific!" says St. Peter. "That's certainly worth a point."  "One point!?!! I started a soup kitchen in my city and worked in a shelter for homeless veterans."  "Fantastic, that's good for two more points," he says.  "Two points!?!!" Exasperated, the man cries, "At this rate it'll just be by the grace of God that I ever get into heaven."  "Bingo, 100 points! Come on in!"

Today’s Thought

Why are there locks on the door of stores that are open 24/7 365 days a year? 

Friday's Funnies

Children

There are only two things a child will share willingly - communicable diseases and mom's age.

Border Problem

An elderly woman lived on a small farm in Canada, just yards away from the North Dakota border. Their land had been the subject of a minor dispute between the United States and Canada for years. The now widowed woman lived on the farm with her son and three grandchildren. One day her son came into her room holding a letter.  "I just got some news, Mom," he said. "The government has come to an agreement with the people in North Dakota. They've decided that our land is really part of the United States. We have the right to approve or disapprove of the agreement. What do you think?"  "What do I think?" his mother said. "Sign it! Call them right now and tell them we accept! I don't think I could stand another one of those Canadian winters!"

All I Really Need To Know I Learned From Noah’s Ark

1. Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark.

2. Stay fit. When you're 600 years old, someone might ask you to do something REALLY big.

3. Don't listen to critics -- do what has to be done.

4. Build on high ground.

5. For safety's sake, travel in pairs.

6. Two heads are better than one.

7. Speed isn't always an advantage. The cheetahs were on board, but so were the snails.

8. If you can't fight or flee -- float.

9. Take care of your animals as if they were the last ones on earth.

10. Don't forget that we're all in the same boat.

11. When the doo-doo gets really deep, don't sit there and complain -- shovel.

12. Stay below deck during the storm.

13. Remember that the ark was built by amateurs and the Titanic was built by professionals.

14. If you have to start over, have a friend by your side.

15. Remember that the woodpeckers INSIDE are often a bigger threat than the storm outside.

16. Don't miss the boat.

17. No matter how bleak it looks, there's always a rainbow on the other side.

Elderly Floridian

An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher:  "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried.  The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way." A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says. "She got in the backseat by mistake."

Cats

-          Behind every cat that crosses the street, there is a dog saying, "Go ahead, you can make it."

-          To a cat's mind, all things belong to cats.

-          As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat.

-          There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned by cats.

-          Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are Divine.

-          There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast.

-          The only domestic animal not mentioned in the Bible is the cat. (Hmmmm)

Practicing What You Preach?

Recently my wife was behind a car on which she noticed with three bumper stickers. One said, "Don't be fooled by genetically engineered food! Demand labels and safety testing for food." The second said, ""Eat for the health of it." And the third said, "Support organic farmers." The car was in front of her at a McDonald's drive-through.

Times Change

Grandma was telling her little grand-daughter about her own childhood:  "We used to skate outside on a pond.  I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard.  We rode our pony.  We picked wild raspberries in the woods."  The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in.  At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"

Age

My youngest son asked me how old I was.  I answered, "39 and holding."  He thought for a moment and then asked, "And how old would you be if you let go?"

Today’s Stock Market Report:

Helium was up.

Feathers were down.

Paper was stationary.

Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.

Knives were up sharply.

Cows steered into a bull market.

Pencils lost a few points.

Hiking equipment was trailing.

Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.

Light switches were off.

Mining equipment hit rock bottom.

Diapers remain unchanged.

Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.

The market for raisins dried up.

Coca Cola fizzled.

Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.

Balloon prices were inflated.

And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market.

Today’s Thought

The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.