Friday's Funnies

 Parents’ Note

On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read: "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."

 

Sound Smart

Dropping Latin phrases into conversations to make me sound smart is my modus operandi.

 

Miracle Products

Joe's wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger. After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products, she asked, "Darling, honestly, what age would you say I am?" Looking over her carefully, Joe replied, "Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty-five." "Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed. "Hey, wait a minute!" Joe interrupted. "I haven't added them up yet."

 

Golf Clubs at Wedding

A man and woman are standing at the altar, waiting to be married, when the bride-to-be looks at her prospective groom and sees a set of golf clubs standing next to him. "What on earth are you doing with those golf clubs?" she whispers. "Well," he says, "this won't take all afternoon, will it?"

Church Elders

A pastor wanted to find out how the children were coming along in their Bible classes. So he visited one of them to ask the children a few Bible related questions. "Billy, tell me who tore down the walls of Jericho?" asked the pastor. Billy replied very seriously, "Pastor, I don't know who did it, but I sure do know I didn't do it!" The pastor left the room stunned. It troubled him so much that he decided to tell one of his best elders what Billy said. The elder thought for a moment and said, "Well, pastor, let me tell you. I know the boy and his family real well. If he said he didn't tear it down, you can be assured he didn't do it. I say we forget the whole thing and use the money in the miscellaneous fund to rebuild it."

Proofreaders Needed

Did I read that sign right?

"TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW."

 

In a London department store:

BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS...

 

In an office:

WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN.

 

In an office:

AFTER TEA BREAK, STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD.

 

Outside a second-hand shop:

WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

 

Notice in health food shop window:

CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS...

 

Spotted in a safari park:

ELEPHANTS, PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR.

 

Seen during a conference:

FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR.

 

Notice in a farmer's field:

THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

 

Message on a leaflet:

IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS.

 

On a repair shop door:

WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK.)

 

Rookie Drill Instructor

A rookie drill instructor escorted his first batch of new recruits to the mess hall. He told them, "There are three rules in this mess hall: Shut up! Eat up! Get up!" Checking to see that he had everyone's attention, he asked, "What is the first rule?" Much to the amusement of the other instructors, 60 privates yelled in unison, "Shut up, Drill Sergeant!"

Any Difference?

My husband has always had a beard. One day, he decided to shave it off. He came into the room where my 5-year-old daughter Samantha was and asked her, "Notice anything different?" To which she replied, "No," with a puzzled look on her face. My husband then said to her, "My beard's gone." Now the puzzled look disappeared, and the innocent eyes appeared when she said, "I didn't take it!"

 

Dad Joke

Do not accept a friend request from Hormel Foods. It could be spam.

 

Today’s Thought

Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you're a good person is a little like expecting the bull not to attack you because you're a vegetarian.

Friday's Funnies

Wrong Size

A grandmother sent her grandson a shirt for his birthday. The only trouble was that he had a size 14 neck, and the shirt was size 12. When the grandson sent a thank you note, he wrote, "Dear Grandma. Thanks a lot for the shirt. I'd write more, but I'm all choked up."

 

The Accident

Two men crash into each other at an intersection. The first man steps out of his wrecked car screaming, "You rotten driver, you wrecked my Mercedes! I'm a lawyer, and I'm going to sue you for everything you have!" The other man responds, "You lawyers only care about money, you don't even realize you just lost an arm." The lawyer looks down where his arm should be and yells "Where's my Rolex!"

Neighborly Love

Every time the man next door headed toward Robinson's house, Robinson knew he was coming to borrow something. "He won't get away with it this time," muttered Robinson to his wife. "Watch this."  "Er, I wonder if you'd be using your power-saw this morning," the neighbor began.  "Gee, I'm awfully sorry," said Robinson with a smug look, "but the fact of the matter is, I'll be using it all day."  "In that case," said the neighbor, "you won't be using your golf clubs, mind if I borrow them?"

 

Surgery

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop. The surgeon was waiting for the service manager to look at his bike. The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, can I ask you a question?" The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic who was working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands and said, "So doc, look at this engine, I open its heart, take valves out, fix them, put 'em back and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?" The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over and whispered to the mechanic, "Try doing it with the engine running."

 

Spanish Bible

My family was visiting a church and the minister announced they had both Spanish and English Bibles for use during the service.  My youngest son tugged at my sleeve and whispered, "Mommy, I want one of those Spanish Bibles."  "Don't be silly, you can't read Spanish," I quickly rejoined.  Holding out his own Bible to me, my kindergartner explained, "Mom, I can't read English either."

 

The Ten Most Common Forms Of Office Illness

1. The Macy's-One-Day-Sale Flu.

2. The Drivers-License-Renewal-Appointment-24-Hour Virus.

3. The Friday-Afternoon-Start-The-Weekend-Early-Sudden-Unbearable Stomach Pains.

4. The I'm-Looking-For-A-New-Job-And-I-Don't-Know-How-Long-It's-Going-to-Take-but-I-Want-To-Stay-On-The-Payroll-Until-Then Mysterious Infection.

5. The My-Boyfriend's-Got-The-Week-Off-So-Suddenly-I'm-Too-Contagious-To-Come-In-To-The-Office Disease.

6. The I-Need-A-Hair-Cut-And-My-Stylist-Doesn't-Make-Evening-Appointments Bout of Influenza.

7. The There's-No-Federal-Holidays-For-Two-Months-And-I-Want-A-Day-Off Sickness.

8. The It's-Spring-Break-And-I-Want-To-Pretend-I'm-A-Teenager-Again General Ailment.

9. The I've-Messed-Up-Royally-And-I-Won't-Come-In-To-Face-The-Music Terminal Illness.

10. The I-Really-Am-Sick-And-I've-Got-The-Doctor's-Bills-And-The-Completed-Medical-Expense-Reimbursement-Forms-To-Prove-It Infirmity

 

Birthday Wish

A mother asked her small son what he would like for his birthday. "I'd like a little brother," a boy said. "Oh my, that's such a big wish," said the mother. "Why do you want a little brother?" "Well," said the boy, "there's only so much I can blame on the dog."

 

Words Of Comfort

Mom and Dad were trying to console Susie, whose dog, Skipper, had recently died. "You know," Mom said, "it's not so bad. Skipper's probably up in Heaven right now, having a grand old time with God." Susie stopped crying and asked, "What would God want with a dead dog?"

Worried Mom

Little Johnny's mom was worried.  She hadn't seen her elderly neighbor, Mrs. Goldbaum, in days. She asked: "Johnny, would you go next door and see how old Mrs. Goldbaum is?" A few minutes later, Johnny returned.

Mom: "Well, is she all right?"

Johnny: "She's fine, except that she's mad at you."

Mom: "At me?  Whatever for?"

Johnny: "She said its none of your business how old she is."

 

Lawyer Joke

A lawyer's dog is having a great time running around the neighborhood unleashed — it heads directly to the butcher shop and pilfers a roast. The butcher heads over to the lawyer's office and asks, "If a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?" The lawyer replies, "Absolutely," and the butcher informs him that he owes him $18.50 because his unleashed dog just stole a roast from his shop. Speechless, the lawyer, goes on to write the butcher a check for the damages. A few days later, the butcher checks his mailbox and discovers an envelope from the lawyer. Inside the envelope is an invoice that read: "$175 due for a consultation."

 

Dad Joke

I really am going to conquer my problem with procrastinating. You just wait and see.

 

Today’s Thought

Always give 100%. Unless you're giving blood.

Friday's Funnies - Happy Mother's Day!

 Mother's Advice

The new bride went crying to her mother. "Momma, I can't get my husband to do anything. I want him to fix up the house, and he keeps putting it off."  "Honey," her mother replied, "after being married to your father for twenty-six years, I've found the only way to get him to do anything is to tell him he's too old."

 

Behind Every Man Is His Mother

--A picture of George Washington's head is on the front of every dollar bill. It is funny because Mrs. Washington said, "George never did have a head for money."

--Charles Lindbergh was the first man to fly across the Atlantic solo and his mom would often say to him, "Charles, can't you do anything by yourself?"

--Neil Armstrong's mother often said, "Neil has no more business taking flying lessons than the man in the moon."

Busy Mom

My busy mother sometimes accidentally left pots and pans on the stove with the burners on, so she resorted to posting this reminder on the kitchen door: "STOVE?"  My sister, back from college, noticed Mother's sign. Beneath it she taped her reply: "No -- Door! Trust me. I went to college."

 

Mother's Dictionary

Bottle feeding: An opportunity for Dad to get up at 2 a.m. also.
Defense: What you'd better have around de yard if you're going to let the children play outside.
Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
Feedback: The inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.
Full name: What you call your child when you're mad at him.
Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.
Independent: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.
Prenatal: When your life was still somewhat your own.
Puddle: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.
Sterilize: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.
Temper tantrums: What you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children.
Top bunk: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.
Two-minute warning: When the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.
Verbal: Able to whine in words.
Whoops: An exclamation that translates roughly into "get a sponge."

Mother's Helper

Little Susan was her mother's helper. She helped set the table when company was due for dinner. Presently everything was on, the guests came in, and everyone sat down. Then Mother noticed something was missing.  "Susan," she said, "you didn't put a knife and fork at Mr. Smith's place."  "I thought he wouldn't need them," explained Susan. "Daddy says he always eats like a horse!"

 

New House

Little Sammy: "So your family got a new house!  How do you like it?"

Little Johnny: "It's terrific!  I have my own room, Billy has his own room, and Jenny has her own room.  But poor Mom is still in with Dad."

 

Moral Lesson

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.' Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"

 

Looking Back

Sunday School Teacher: "...and when Lot's wife looked back at Sodom, she turned into a pillar of salt!"

Young pupil: "My mom looked back once while she was driving! She turned into a telephone pole."

 

Are You OK?

A little three-year-old boy is sitting on the toilet.  His mother thinks he has been in there too long, so she goes in to see what’s up.  The little boy is sitting on the toilet reading a book.  But about every 10 seconds or so he puts the book down, grips the toilet seat with his left hand, and hits himself on the top of the head with his right hand.  His mother says, “Billy, are you all right?  You’ve been in there for a while…”  Billy says, “I’m fine, mommy…  I just haven’t done doody yet.”  Mother says, “OK, you can stay here a few more minutes.  But Billy, why are you hitting yourself on the head”?  Billy says, “Works for ketchup.”

 

Johnny

Two days after summer vacation ended, Johnny's teacher called his Mom to report that he was misbehaving.  "Wait a minute," said Johnny's Mom.  "I had him all summer and I never called you once when he misbehaved!"

 

Dad Joke

I accidentally gave my wife a glue stick instead of her lipstick. She still isn't talking to me.

 

Today’s Thought

Mom: Why is it when I eat a 2 oz chocolate bar, I always gain a pound...but when I choose NOT to eat the same bar, I don't lose a pound?