Friday's Funnies

 Dieting

The toughest part of a diet isn't watching what you eat; it's watching what other people eat.

Rookie Drill Instructor

A rookie drill instructor escorted his first batch of new recruits to the mess hall. He told them, "There are three rules in this mess hall: Shut up! Eat up! Get up!" Checking to see that he had everyone's attention, he asked, "What is the first rule?" Much to the amusement of the other instructors, 60 privates yelled in unison, "Shut up, Sergeant!"

Turtle Wreck

A snail hitched a ride with a friendly turtle. As they reached an intersection another turtle came along and rammed into them! A cop came and questioned the snail: "What happened here?" The little snail replied, "I don't know -- it all happened so fast… "

Counting Your Chickens

A farmer's son was returning from the market with a crate of chickens his father had entrusted to him when, all of a sudden, the box fell and broke open. Chickens scurried off in all different directions, but the determined boy walked all over the neighborhood scooping up the wayward birds and returning them to the repaired crate. Hoping he had found them all, the boy reluctantly returned home, expecting the worst. "Pa, the chickens got loose," the boy confessed sadly. "But I managed to find all twelve of them." "Well, you've done a good job, son," the farmer beamed. "You left with seven."

Very Punny

• When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
• His parents through he was a budding genius, but he turned out to be a blooming idiot.
• He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
• You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
• The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
• He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
• When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
• Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
• A backward poet writes inverse.

Suffering?

My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffered from mental illness. I said, "No, we all seem to enjoy it."

50^th Anniversary

A group of people were attending an anniversary party and the group leader was asking who there was celebrating more than 40 years together. One man stated he was celebrating his 50th anniversary. The group leader said that was great, and how did he and his wife manage to arrive at that great mile marker? The man said for his 25th he bought his wife flowers, candy and took her to Hawaii. That's great, the group leader responded, and what are you going to do for your 50th anniversary? The man responded, “I am going back to pick her up!”

Who's There?

A nurse on the pediatric ward, before listening to the little ones' chests would plug the stethoscope into their ears and let them listen to their own hearts. Their eyes would always light up with awe. But she never got a response to equal four-year-old David's. Gently he tucked the stethoscope in his ears and placed the disk over his heart. "Listen", she said, "What do you suppose that is?" He drew his eyebrows together in a puzzled line and looked up as if lost in the mystery of the strange tap-tap-tapping deep in his chest. Then his face broke out in a wondrous grin and said, "Is that Jesus knocking?"

Retired Brother

My wife was chatting with her brother, a business executive who had retired last year. While discussing the joys of his new leisure time, he remarked that he had been compelled to give up skiing, a sport he had enjoyed for many years.  "Why did you quit skiing? Are you afraid of injuries?" my wife asked.  "I am now!" her brother responded. "Before, I could have a cast at work and still get the job done. But now a cast would mess up my golf game!"

Rude Awakening

The youth pastor fell asleep in the staff meeting. So we laid some clothes on the chairs and exited quietly. Then we blew a trumpet.

Have You Ever Considered....

• Do people "down under" in Australia call the rest of the world "up over?"
• How come wrong numbers are never busy?
• Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?
• Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
• Have you ever seen a toad on a toadstool?
• How do you get off a non-stop flight?
• How do you write zero in Roman numerals?
• If swimming is good for your shape then why do the whales look the way they do?
• Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?
• Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called "rush" hour?

Dad Joke

I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.

Today’s Thought

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.

Friday's Funnies

 Personal Statistics

 

I am five feet, three inches tall and pleasingly plump. Recently, after I had a minor accident, my mother accompanied me to the emergency room. The ER nurse asked for my height and weight, and I responded in a serious tone, "Five-foot-eight, 125 pounds." While the nurse pondered this information, my mother leaned over to me ... "Sweetheart," she gently chided, "this is not the Internet."

“Helpful Information”

 

My husband suggests that I sleep when we take road trips.  But then who would give him helpful information like, “the light is red!” or “that car is stopping!”?

 

Vocabulary Words

 

One evening while I was preparing dinner, my daughter came into the kitchen asking for homework help on her vocabulary words. "Mom," she asked, "what's a quarter horse?" As I thought of a simple explanation, my five-year-old son piped up, "It's the one they have in front of the grocery store."

Spelling Bee

 

Teacher:  Class, we are going to have a spelling bee this morning.
Teacher:  Michael, spell "orange".
Michael:  Hmmm, do you mean the fruit or the color?

Shingles

 

A man walked into a doctor's office. "What do you have?" the receptionist asked. "Shingles," he replied.
She told him to sit down. Soon a nurse called him and asked, "What do you have?" "Shingles," he replied. She took his blood pressure, weight, and complete medical history. Then she took him to a room and told him to remove all of his clothes. After a few minutes the doctor came in and asked, What do you have?" "Shingles," the man told him. The doctor looked him up and down and said, "Where?" "Out on the truck. Where do you want me to unload them?"

 

Airheads

 

Two airhead carpenters are nailing new siding to a house. About half of the nails that carpenter #1 pulls out of his bag of nails are tossed over his shoulder. The others are successfully used to put up the siding.  Carpenter #2 asks, "What are you doing?!?" The first carpenter replies, "I can't use about half of these nails because they're pointed in the wrong direction!" The second carpenter tells him, "Don't be stupid. Those are for the other side of the house!"

Appropriate Baby Names

Lawyer's daughter: Sue
Thief's son: Rob
Lawyer's son: Will
Fisherman's daughter: Annette
Meteorologist's daughter: Haley
Steam shovel operator's son: Doug
Hairdresser's son: Bob
Gourmet chef's son: Herb
Justice of the peace's daughter: Mary
Sound stage technician's son: Mike
Hot dog vendor's son: Frank
Gambler's daughter: Bette
Gambler's son: Chip
Exercise guru's son: Jim
Astronomer's daughter: Skye
Cattle thief's son: Russell
Painter's son: Art
Iron worker's son: Rusty
TV star's daughter: Emmy
Movie star's son: Oscar
Barber's son: Harry

This town is so small…

...the city jail is called Amoeba, because it only has one cell.
...the New Year's baby was born in October.
...there's no place to go that you shouldn't.
...Main Street is one block long and dead ends in both directions.
...Second Street is in the next town over.
...the ZIP code is a fraction.
...a "Night on the Town" takes only 11 minutes.

Post Office

I got a big envelope in the mail that had written on the front, "Photographs: Do Not Bend." Underneath the mailman wrote, "Oh, yes they do."

50^th Anniversary

On their 50th wedding anniversary, a couple summed up the reason for their long and happy marriage. The husband said, "I have tried never to be selfish. After all, there is no 'I' in the word 'marriage.'" The wife said, "For my part, I have never corrected my husband's spelling."

Dad Joke

Just found out the company that produces yardsticks won't be making them any longer.

Today’s Thought

Why hire someone with a divining rod to find water when a kid with new shoes will do it for free?

Friday's Funnies

 The Perfect Man

At a local coffee bar, a young woman was expounding on her idea of the perfect mate to some of her friends. "The man I marry must be a shining light amongst company. He must be musical. Tell jokes. Sing. Entertain. And stay home at night!" An old granny overheard and spoke up, "Girl, if that's all you want, get a TV!"

 

Meds

A psychiatrist gives me some pills and says, "Take these and you'll feel much better." I reply, "But there's nothing wrong with me, it's the rest of the world!" He says, "Yes, I know, but it's easier for you to take the pills than the rest of the world."

 

Job Application

I was applying for a job and the employment application clearly stated: "Age of father (if living)," and the same question for my mother.  I put down the figures 105 and 94 in the spaces provided.   The interviewer, Kathy, asked if my parents were truly that old.  I replied, "No, but they would be if they were still living."

 

Silence Pun

At a wedding I attended, the priest called for a moment of silence to remember the faithful dead.  As the church grew quiet, a little boy sitting in front of me turned to his father and said excitedly, "Dad, you have some of their albums!" 

 

Chocolate

~ Chocolate is a vegetable: Chocolate is derived from cocoa beans. Bean = vegetable. Sugar is derived from either sugar CANE or sugar BEETS. Both are plants, which places them in the vegetable category. Thus, chocolate is a vegetable.

 

~ To go one step further, chocolate candy bars also contain milk, which is dairy. So candy bars are a health food. Chocolate-covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.

 

~ If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.

 

~ The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car.  The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.

 

~ Diet Tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite, and you'll eat less.

 

~ If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet?  Don't they actually counteract each other?

 

~ Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.

 

~ Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.

 

~ A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place.  Now, isn't that handy?

 

~ If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose. An entire garment industry would be devastated. You can't let that happen, can you?

 

~ REMEMBER: "Stressed" spelled backward is "desserts."

 

Rescued

Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary. Suddenly, over the public address system the captain announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us, and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!" Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island. An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we pay our $5,000 PBS pledge check yet?" "No, sweetheart," she responds. Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Esther, did we pay our American Express card yet?" "Oh, no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the check," she says. "One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send checks for the Visa and MasterCard this month?" he asks. "Oh, forgive me, Abie," begged Esther, "I didn't send that one, either." Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years. Esther pulls away and asks, "What was that for?" Abe answers, "They'll find us!"

 

The Ten Commandments in Cajun

1. God is number one... and das' All.

2. Don't pray to nuttin' or nobody... jus' God.

3. Don't cuss nobody... 'specially da Good Lord.

4. When it be Sunday... pass yo'self by God's House.

5. Yo mama an' yo daddy dun did it all... lissen to dem.

6. Killin' duck an' fish, das' OK... people - No!

7. God done give you a wife... sleep wit' jus' her.

8. Don't take nobody's boat... or nuttin' else.

9. Don't go wantin' somebody's stuff.

10. Stop lyin'... yo tongue gonna fall out yo mouf!

 

Dad Joke

What state has a LOT of dirty laundry? Washington.

 

Today’s Thought

Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.

Friday's Funnies

 Life Hack

You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed simply by forgetting your wife's birthday.

 

Rainy Landing

 

As the airliner was preparing to land in Madrid in a rainstorm, an English passenger seemed noticeably afraid. "What's the problem, fellow?" asked his seatmate. "Surely," said the Englishman, "you've heard the saying, 'The planes in Spain fall mainly in the rains!'"

 

10 Commandments

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.  After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked: "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."

Bed Time

When I was a kid getting put to bed at 9:00, I couldn't wait until I was a grown-up and could stay up until whatever time I wanted. That time is, apparently, 9:00.

 

Language learning

When I was a kid, my parents would always say, "Forgive my French" just after a swear word. I'll never forget my first day of French Language class.

 

Hurt

Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) "I can't see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!"

Trainer: It was a sit up. You did one sit up.

 

Breviloquent Facetiousness

 

1. The biggest joke on mankind is that computers have begun asking humans to prove they aren't a robot.

2. When a kid says, "Daddy, I want mommy," that's the kid version of, "I'd like to speak to your supervisor."

3. It's weird being the same age as old people.

4. Just once I want a username and password prompt to say CLOSE ENOUGH.

5. If I am ever on life support unplug me and plug me back in and see if that works.

6. Do you ever wake up in the morning and look in the mirror and think... "That can't be accurate?!"

7. Last night the internet stopped working so I spent a few hours with my family. They seem like good people.

8. If Adam and Eve were Cajuns they would have eaten the snake instead of the apple and saved us all a lot of trouble.

9. We celebrated last night with a couple of adult beverages... Metamucil and Ensure.

10. Weight loss goal: To be able to clip my toenails and breathe at the same time.

11. Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I am watching a show I don't like because the remote fell on the floor.

12. For those of you that don't want Alexa listening in on your conversation, they are making a male version. It doesn't listen to anything.

13. I just got a present labeled, "From Mom and Dad," and you know very well Dad has no idea what's inside.

14. Now that I have lived through a plague, I totally understand why Italian renaissance paintings are full of fat people lying on couches.

15. Now that we have everyone washing their hands correctly... next week... Turn Signals!

Change Of Times

When I was a girl my momma would send me down to the corner store with $1.00. I'd come back with 5 potatoes, 2 loaves of bread, 3 bottles of milk, a hunk of cheese, a box of tea, and 6 eggs. You can't do that now...too many security cameras.

 

New House

 

When the Jones family moved into their new house, a visiting relative asked five-year-old Sammy how he liked the new place.  "It's terrific," he said. "I have my own room, Mike has his own room, and Jamie has her own room. But poor Mom is still in with Dad."

Dad Joke

 

Yesterday I ate a clock, it was very time consuming.  Especially when I went back for seconds.

Today’s Thought

When I grow up I'd like to be a retired lottery winner.