Friday's Funnies

 Happy New Year

 

An optimist stays up until midnight to see the new year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves.

 

Top 10 Things To Say About A Holiday Gift You Don't Like

 

10. Hey! There's a gift.
9. Well, well, well...
8. Boy, if I had not recently shot up 4 sizes, that would've fit.
7. Perfect for wearing in the basement.
6. Wow, I hope this never catches fire!
5. If the dog buries it, I'll be furious!
4. I love it, but I fear the jealousy it will inspire.
3. Sadly, tomorrow I enter the federal witness protection program.
2. To think I got this the year I vowed to give all my gifts to charity.
1. I really don't deserve this.

The Cat's New Year Resolutions

 

My human will never let me eat their pet hamster, and I am at peace with that.

 

I will not slurp fish food from the surface of the aquarium

 

I will not eat large numbers of assorted bugs, then come home and throw them up so the humans can see that I'm getting plenty of roughage.

 

I will not lean way over to drink out of the tub, fall in, and then pelt right for the box of clumping cat litter. (It took FOREVER to get the stuff out of my fur.)

 

I will not use the bathtub to store live mice for late-night snacks.

 

We will not play "Herd of Thundering Wildebeests Stampeding Across the Plains of the Serengeti" over any humans' bed while they're trying to sleep.

 

I cannot leap through closed windows to catch birds outside.

If I forget this and bonk my head on the window and fall behind the couch in my attempt, I will not get up and do the same thing again.

 

I will not assume the patio door is open when I race outside to chase leaves.

 

I will not stick my paw into any container to see if there is something in it. If I do, I will not hiss and scratch when my human has to shave me to get the rubber cement out of my fur.

 

I will not play "dead cat on the stairs" while people are trying to bring in groceries or laundry, or else one of these days, it will really come true.

 

When the humans play darts, I will not leap into the air and attempt to catch them.

 

I will not swat my human's head repeatedly when they are on the family room floor trying to do sit ups.

 

I will not drag dirty socks onto the bed at night and then yell at the top of my lungs so that my humans can admire my "kill."

 

I will not perch on my human's chest in the middle of the night and stare until they wake up.

 

I will not walk on the key board when my human is writing important adagfsg gdjag ;ln.

 

Best Puns of the Year

 

My son, Ken, was married yesterday. I heard him tell his bride, Caryn, that his ring was so tight it was cutting off his circulation. She replied, "That's what it is supposed to do."

 

Have you heard about the pharmaceutical company that developed a new drug which, when administered to women, compels them to go join a convent? The FDA refused to license it. Seems it was habit-forming.

 

A naive young lass was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and landed on "Science & Nature." Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She thought for a minute or two and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

 

The patient is adamant. "Doc, I need a liver transplant, a kidney transplant, a heart transplant, a cornea transplant, a spleen transplant, a pancreas trans..." "What makes you think you need all these?" " Well," replied the patient, "My boss said if I wanted to keep my job I needed to get reorganized."

 

The policeman couldn't believe his eyes when he saw a woman drive past him on the freeway, busily knitting. Quickly he pulled alongside the vehicle, rolled down his window and shouted, "Pull over!" "No," the women yelled back cheerfully, "Socks!"

 

I was in the waiting room of my doctor's office the other day when the doctor started yelling, "Typhoid! Tetanus! Measles!" I went up to the nurse and asked her what was going on. She told me that the doctor liked to call the shots around here.

 

The chef at a family-run restaurant had broken her leg and came into our insurance office to file a disability claim. As I scanned the claim form, I did a double-take. Under "Reason unable to work," she wrote: "Can't stand to cook."

 

This guy is walking with his friend. He says to this friend, "You know, Benny's a walking economy." His friend replies, "How so?" "His hair line is in recession, his stomach is a victim of inflation, and both of these together are putting him into a deep depression."

 

I noticed the neighbor down the street was home every day, so after a few weeks I asked him what was going on. He replied, "I left my job because of illness and fatigue." A few weeks later, his wife gave me the real truth of what happened. Turns out my neighbor's boss got sick and tired of him.

 

Today’s Thought

 

Nothing messes up your Friday like realizing it's only Tuesday.

Friday's Funnies

 Merry Christmas Everyone!

 

Q. Where does Santa stay when he’s on a vacation?
A. At a ho-ho-ho-tel.

Q. Why is it always so cold during Christmas?
A. Because it is Decembrrrrrrrr.

Q. What did the first snowman says to the second snowman?
A. “I don’t know about you, but I smell carrots.”

Q. What is a snowman’s favorite breakfast food?
A. Frosted Flakes.

Q. Why is it getting harder to buy Advent calendars?
A. Because their days are numbered.

Q. Who is Santa’s male favorite singer?
A. Elf-is Presley.

Q. Who’s Santa’s favorite female pop star?
A. Beyon-sleigh

Q. What do you call a child who doesn’t believe in Santa?
A. A rebel without a Claus.

Q. How does Santa remember all the fireplaces he’s visited?
A. He keeps a log.

Q. Why are Christmas trees so bad at knitting?
A. Because they always drop their needles.

Q. What is Santa’s favorite state?
A. Ida-ho-ho-ho

 

Nativity Painting

 

A father and his son were looking at a nativity scene in a London gallery. It was Titian's world-famous painting of the scene at Bethlehem. The boy said, "Dad, why is the baby lying in such a crude cradle in a pile of straw?" "Well, son," explained the father, "they were poor, and they couldn't afford anything better." Said the boy, "Then how could they afford to have their picture painted by such an expensive artist?"

 

Christmas, Did You Know?

1. Where do the elves go to the toilet in the north pole? The igloo.

2. Why do Christmas trees like the past so much? Because the present’s beneath them.

3. Where do Santa’s reindeer stop for coffee? Star-bucks!

4. Did you hear that Santa Claus used to learn karate? He has a black belt!

5. What do the little shark kids call the Santa who delivers presents to them? Santa Jaws!

6. What would you call a reindeer that has an obnoxious personality? Rude-olph.

7. What did the beaver say when it saw the Christmas tree? It said, “Nice gnawing you.”

8. What’s the best Christmas gift for someone who has everything? A burglar alarm.

9. Why don’t the reindeers like to go to picnics? That’s mainly because of their ant-lures.

10. What kind of ball doesn’t bounce? A snowball.

 

Christmas Cookie Rules

 

1. If you eat a Christmas cookie fresh out of the oven, it has no calories because everyone knows that the first cookie is the test and thus calorie-free.

 

2. If you drink a diet soda after eating your second cookie, it also has no calories because the diet soda cancels out the cookie calories.

 

3. If a friend comes over while you're making your Christmas cookies and needs to sample, you must sample with your friend. Because your friend's first cookie is calories free (see rule #1) yours is also. It would be rude to let your friend sample alone and, being the friend that you are, that makes your cookie calorie free.

 

4. Any cookie calories consumed while walking around will fall to your feet and eventually fall off as you move. This is due to gravity and the density of the caloric mass.

 

5. Any calories consumed during the frosting of the Christmas cookies will be used up because it takes many calories to lick excess frosting from a knife without cutting your tongue.

 

6. Cookies colored red or green have very few calories. Red ones have three and green ones have five - one calorie for each letter. Make more red ones!

 

7. Cookies eaten while watching "A Christmas Story" have no calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel.

 

8. As always, cookie pieces contain no calories because the process of breaking causes caloric leakage.

 

9. Any cookies consumed from someone else's plate have no calories since the calories rightfully belong to the other person and will cling to their plate. We all know how calories like to CLING!

 

10. Any cookies consumed while feeling stressed have no calories because cookies used for medicinal purposes NEVER have calories.

 

For All The Kids Out There

 

A snowman, eating dessert, was asked by the waitress how he liked the carrot cake. He replied, "It tastes like boogers."

 

Dad Joke

 

A couple is walking through St. Petersburg Square in Russia on Christmas Eve when they start to feel something wet fall upon their faces. “I think it’s raining,” says the man. “No, it’s snowing,” replies the woman. “How about we ask this Communist officer here? He’s always right!” the man insists. “Officer Rudolph, is it raining or snowing?” “Definitely raining,” Officer Rudolph replies before walking off. The man turns to his wife with a smile, “See? Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.”

 

Today’s Thought

 

Three phrases that sum up Christmas: Peace on Earth; Goodwill to Men; and Batteries not included.

 

Friday's Funnies

 Fun Fact

 

Research has determined that the shelf life of fruitcake is longer than the shelf.

 

Reindeer Gender

 

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year. Male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer, however, retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring. Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, every single one of them, from Rudolf to Blitzen.... had to be a female. We should've known this when they were able to find their way.

 

It’s The Thought

 

I know. I know. People say, "It's the thought that counts, not the gift," but couldn't people think a bit bigger?!

 

The Perfect Couple

 

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life was, of course "perfect." One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a SUV) along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident. Who was the survivor? The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man. So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. This explains why there was an accident.

 

Audition

 

I used my best shower singing voice and did an audition try out to become a member of the local Christmas choir. After the audition, I asked the director how I did. He said, "I will have you sing tenor." "You mean right next to the baritones," I asked? "No," he said, "I mean you should sing ten or more feet away from the choir."

 

How To Tell If You’re A Grinch

 

1. You reuse last year's Christmas cards and send them out under your own name. (5 points)

 

2. You steal light bulbs from your neighbor's outdoor display to replenish your own supply. (5 points, 10 if neighbor's whole light sets or lighted Santa goes out)

 

3. You have dressed a dog or cat as Santa Claus, elf helper, or reindeer. (10 points for each; if you dressed an endangered species, 5 extra points)

 

4. You put out last year's stale candy canes for children. (1 point for each piece of sticky candy. If you put out a chocolate or marzipan Santa also, add 10 points.=)

 

5. You enclose a shoddy and inferior gift from Target, Walmart, or K-Mart in a Bloomingdale's or other prestige box to impress your friends. (5 points for each infraction)

 

6. You make collect long distance phone calls to your family on Christmas day. (5 points, 10 if from a cell phone, claiming you are stuck in a phone booth)

 

7. At the office Christmas party, you horde huge stockpiles of goodies for later consumption at home. (5 points; 15 points if you use this stuff for your own party)

 

8. You steal the wreath from a parked car to use on your own [Southern California only, others ignore]. (5 points)

 

9. After an invitation to a friend's house, you bring a commercially-produced fruitcake and try to pass it off as homemade. (5 points; 15 points if the fruitcake is from last year).

 

10. Any stealing from the Toys-for-Tots collection bins is a definite no-no. (20 points)

 

--------------------

 

Evaluate your score on the "Grinch Scale" from 20 to 100.

 

20-30: You are just a cheeseball.

 

30-50: You are an apprentice in Yuletide larceny and are probably wanted by the police for overdue parking tickets.

 

50-100: Grinch, move over. The Al Capone of Christmas crime has arrived.

 

Dad Joke

 

Elf: "Santa, we've finished making mints for every child."

Santa: "Mints?"

Elf: "Yeah, you said make Altoids."

Santa: "I said make all toys."

Elf: "Altoids!"

Santa: "All toys."

Elf: "Well this is a disappoint-mint."

 

Today’s Thought

 

Dear Santa, Before I try to explain myself, how much do you already know?

 

Friday's Funnies

 Honesty

 

A police office came to my house and asked where I was between 5 and 6. He seemed irritated when I answered "kindergarten."

 

Student Answers

 

The teacher asked her students which state they thought has the most cows. A little girl raised her hand and said, "Texas." The teacher said, "That is right, you get an A. Now which state do you think has the most sheep?" A little boy raised his hand and said, "Montana." The teacher said, "That's right, you get an A. Who can tell me which state has the most turkeys?" Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "That's easy! Washington D.C."

 

Anti-Drug Message

 

My kindergarten-aged daughter suddenly announced just before school that she needed to take a clean tee shirt to class. She told us the teacher was going to iron an anti-drug message on it. My wife frantically swept through my daughter's room, finding nothing usable but one tee shirt that already had something printed on one side. She sent it off to school with my daughter. That afternoon, my daughter returned and happily showed off her shirt. On one side it said, "Families are Forever." And on the other, "Be Smart, Don't Start."

 

Praying

 

Mom: "Johnny, it's your turn to say Grace before dinner."

Johnny: "But Mom -- if I thank God for broccoli, won't he know I'm lying?"

 

Rules For Frequent Fliers

 

1. No flight ever leaves on time unless you are running late and need the delay to make the flight.

2. If you are running late for a flight, it will depart from the farthest gate within the terminal.

3. If you arrive very early for a flight, it inevitably will be delayed.

4. Flights never leave from Gate #1 at any terminal in the world.

5. If you must work on your flight, you will experience turbulence as soon as you touch pen to paper. Or start to drink your coffee. Or try to type on your laptop.

6. If you are assigned a middle seat, you can determine who has the seats on the aisle and the window while you are still in the boarding area. Just find the two largest passengers.

7. Only passengers seated in window seats ever have to get up to go to the lavatory.

8. The crying baby on board your flight is always seated next to you.

9. The less carry-on luggage space available on an aircraft, the more carry-on luggage passengers will bring aboard.

Makes Me Sick

 

People are forever calling me a hypochondriac, and, let me tell you, that just makes me sick.

 

Which one would you choose?

 

You're driving along in your car on a wild, stormy night. You pass a bus stop and see three people waiting for the bus:

1. An old woman, who looks as if she's about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The man / woman of your dreams.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing there could only be one passenger in your car.

This is a moral / ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application. You could pick up the old woman because she is going to die; thus you should save her first. Or you could pick up the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him / her back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect dream love again. The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer.

He simply answered: "I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the old woman the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the woman of my dreams."

Secret Of Marriage

 

A couple had been married for 45 years and had raised a brood of 11 children and were blessed with 22 grandchildren. When asked the secret for staying together all that time, the wife replies, "Many years ago we made a promise to each other...the first one to pack up and leave has to take all the kids."

Bathroom Scale

 

Two children went into their parent's bathroom and noticed the scale in the corner. "Whatever you do," cautioned one child to the younger one, "don't step on it!" "Why not?" asked the sibling. "Because every time mom does, she lets out an awful scream!"

 

Dad Joke

 

I've started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes. It's all about raisin awareness.

 

Today’s Thought

 

And so ends another week without me becoming unexpectedly rich.

 

Friday's Funnies

 UK Thanksgiving

 

An American and a UK journalist were discussing Thanksgiving. The American asked if we celebrated Thanksgiving in the UK. "Yes," the UK guy replied, "but we celebrate it on the 6th of September." "Why then?" "That's when they left."

Payment

 

A customer sent an order to a distributor for a large amount of goods totaling a great deal of money. The distributor noticed that the previous bill hadn't been paid. The collections manager left a voice-mail for them saying, "We can't ship your new order until you pay for the last one." The next day the collections manager received a phone call, "Please cancel the order. We can't wait that long."

 

Smart Kid

 

Thanks for the electric guitar you gave me for Christmas," little Chris Cody said to his uncle the first time he saw him after the holidays. "It's the best present I ever got." "That's great," said his uncle. "Do you know how to play it?" "Oh, I don't play it," the little fellow said. "My mom gives me a dollar a day not to play it during the day and my dad gives me five dollars a week not to play it at night.

 

Engine Failure

 

Fifteen minutes into flight, the pilot announced: "Ladies and gentlemen, one of our engines has failed. There is nothing to worry about. Our flight will take an hour longer than scheduled, but we still have three engines left." Thirty minutes later the pilot announced: "One more engine has failed and the flight will take an additional two hours. But don't worry, we can fly just fine on two engines." An hour later the pilot announced: "One more engine has failed and our arrival will be delayed another three hours. But don't worry, we still have one engine left." The guy in seat 17A turned to me and said, "If we lose one more engine, we'll be up here all day!"

A Letter from My Grandfather

I've had two by-pass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer, and diabetes. Am half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation, hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank heaven I still have my DRIVER'S LICENSE! Isn’t Florida great?

More Light Bulb Jokes

 

How many board meetings does it take to get a light bulb changed?
While this topic is of great importance, we will resume this discussion at our next meeting.

How many stockbrokers does it take to change a light bulb?
It's out? Sell my stock in light bulbs now!

How many union plumbers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. Union plumbers don't change light bulbs; union electricians change light bulbs.

All I Need To Know I Learned On The Cattle Range

 

1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.
2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
3. There are 2 theories to arguing with a woman...neither works.
4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
5. Always drink upstream from the herd.
6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.
7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back in your pocket.
8. There are three kinds of men:
- The ones who learn by reading,
- The few who learn by observation, and
- The rest of them have to touch the electric fence to see if it's really on.
9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
10. If you're riding ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.

Reality

 

I don't trip. I do random gravity checks.

 

What An Engineer Says (And What It Means)

 

-          A number of different approaches are being tried. (We are still grasping at straws.)

-          We're working on a fresh approach to the problem. (We just hired three kids fresh out of college.)

-          Major technological breakthrough. (It works OK, but looks very hi-tech.)

-          Customer satisfaction upon delivery is assured. (We are so far behind schedule the customer is happy to get it delivered.)

-          Preliminary operational tests were inconclusive. (The thing blew up when we threw the switch.)

-          Test results were extremely gratifying. (We are so surprised that the stupid thing works.)

-          The entire concept will have to be abandoned. (The only person who understood the thing quit.)

-          It is in process. (It is so wrapped up in red tape that the situation is about hopeless.)

-          We'll look into it. (Forget it! We have enough problems for now.)

-          Give us the benefit of your thoughts. (We'll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn't interfere with what we've already done.)

-          Give us your interpretation. (I can't wait to hear this!)

-          Low maintenance. (Impossible to fix if broken.)

 

Dad Joke

 

I was walking past a farm and a sign said “Duck, eggs!” I thought, "That's an unnecessary comma." And then it hit me.

 

Today’s Thought

 

Education is important but ice cream is importanter.

Friday's Funnies

Just Why?

 

If you wanted people to eat something would you name it succotash?

 

Who Am I

 

A very dirty, grubby little boy came in from playing in the yard and asked his mother, "Who am I?" Ready to play the game, she said, "I don't know! Who are you?" "WOW!" cried the boy. "Mrs. Johnson was right! She said I was so dirty, my own mother wouldn't recognize me!"

 

Aging

 

Getting older is just one body part after another saying, "Haha, you think that's bad? Watch this."

 

Frustration

 

A boy asks his father to explain the differences among irritation, aggravation, and frustration. Dad takes out his cell phone and dials a number at random. When the phone is answered he asks, "Can I speak to Roger, please?" "No! There's no one called Roger here." The person hangs up. "That's irritation," says the dad. He picks up the phone again, dials the same number and asks for Roger a second time. "No, there's no one here called Roger. Go away. Don't call again." "That's aggravation," says Dad. "Then what's frustration?" asks his son. The father picks up his phone and dials a third time: "Hello, this is Roger. Have I received any phone calls?"

 

Interview

 

"So tell me, Mrs. Smith," asked the interviewer, "have you any other skills you think might be worth mentioning?"  "Actually, yes," said the applicant modestly. "Last year I had two short stories published in national magazines, and I finished my novel." "Very impressive," he commented, "but I was thinking of skills you could apply during office hours." Mrs. Smith explained brightly, "Oh, but that was during office hours."

 

Running Away From Home

 

A man scolded his son for being so unruly and the child rebelled. He got some of his clothes, his teddy bear and his piggy bank and proudly announced, "I'm running away from home!" The father calmly decided to look at the matter logically. "What if you get hungry?" he said. "Then I'll come home and eat!" bravely declared the child. "And what if you run out of money?" "I will come home and get some!" readily replied the child. The man made a final attempt, "What if your clothes get dirty?" "Then I'll come home and let mommy wash them," was the reply. The man shook his head and exclaimed, "This kid is not running away from home; he's going off to college."

 

Cat T-Shirts

 

"Purrfection cannot be improved."

"If you don't like my attitude, you should see my cat."

"Menopaws: this is the hottest I've been in years."

"Take my advice. I'm not using it."

"I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in?"

"Cats know how we feel. They don't care, but they know."

"Dogs have owners. Cats have staff."

"Thousands of years ago, cats were worshiped as gods. They have never forgotten this."

Jet Pilot vs Airline Pilot

 

A large passenger plane is on its way across the Atlantic. It flies consistently at 800 km/h at 35,000 feet, when suddenly an F-22 Raptor appears. The pilot of the fighter jet slows down, flies alongside the Airbus and greets the pilot of the passenger plane by radio: "Airbus flight, a boring flight isn't it? Take care and have a look here!" He rolls his jet on its back, accelerates, breaks through the sound barrier, rises rapidly to a dizzying height, only to swoop down almost to sea level in a breathtaking dive. He loops back next to the plane and asks, "Well, how was that?" The airplane pilot answers: "Very impressive, but now have a look here!" The jet pilot watches the plane, but nothing happens. It continues to fly stubbornly straight, with the same speed. After five minutes, the plane pilot radioed, "Well, what are you saying now?" The jet pilot asks confused: "What did you do?" The other laughs and says, "I got up, stretched my legs, went to the back of the flight to the bathroom, got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon cake."

Three Wishes

 

A young kid found an old lamp. As always the lamp was rubbed and a genie appeared granting 3 wishes.

Genie: I will grant you three wishes!

Kid: I wish math didn't exist.

Genie: DONE! You have no more wishes.

 

Trial

 

A man is on trial for stealing an overcoat. The judge went straight to the point. "Did you steal this man's overcoat?" he demanded. "No sir," the defendant replied, with a grin. "I was just playing joke on him." "And where did you take the coat?" asked the judge. "I removed it from the coat rack in the restaurant and carried it home with me." "Guilty," snapped the judge.  "Guilty! Guilty of what?" asked the defendant. "Guilty of carrying a joke too far!"

 

Dad Joke

 

Jon once worked at a Chicago pizza shop to get by. He kneaded the dough.

 

Today’s Thought

 

Don’t annoy pediatricians. They have little patients.

Friday's Funnies

Don't forget to turn your clocks back. I'm turning mine back to when I was 20. Oh, and remember to set back your scales 10 lbs. as well!

 

Pastor Farewell

 

A pastor was leaving his area and was saying farewell to his congregation at the Church doors for the last time. He shook the hand of an elderly lady as she walked out. She said "Your successor won't be as good as you." "Nonsense," said the pastor, in a flattered tone. "No, really," said the old lady, "I've been here under five different ministers and each new one has been worse than the last."

 

Out of the Loop

 

Mr. Norton was in the hospital recovering from an operation when the nurse on duty received a call from a man who asked how Mr. Norton was doing. "Oh, quite well. We expect he'll be released in the morning." "Very good, thank you." "May I ask who is calling so that I can tell Mr. Norton?" inquired the nurse. "This IS Mr. Norton. The doctors don't tell me anything!"

Waiter!

 

One afternoon a waiter served a bowl of chicken soup to an elderly gentleman. As he turned away to return to the kitchen the customer stopped him, calling: "Waiter!"

 

WAITER: "Yes, sir, is there something wrong?"

CUSTOMER: "The soup. Taste it."

WAITER: "I beg your pardon, Sir?"

CUSTOMER: "Taste it."

WAITER: "But, Sir, I can assure you that the soup is excellent."

CUSTOMER: "Taste it."

WAITER: "Sir, the soup was made this morning of the finest ingredients."

CUSTOMER: "Taste it!"

WAITER: exasperated, "All right, Sir, I'll taste it."

 

Then after a pause he said, "Where is the spoon?" To which the customer replied triumphantly, "Ah ha!!"

 

Mother’s Wedding Dress

 

When my sister Andrea got married, she asked to wear my mother's wedding dress. The day she tried it on for the first time I was sitting with Mother in the living room as Andrea descended the stairs. The gown was a perfect fit on her petite frame. Mother's eyes welled with tears. I put my arm around her. "You're not losing a daughter," I reminded her in time-honored fashion. "You're gaining a son." "Oh, forget about that!" she said with a sob. "I used to fit into that dress!"

 

New Driver’s License

 

Arnold had just received his new driver's license. The family heads out to the driveway and climbs in the car.  Arnold is going to take them for a ride for the first time.  Dad immediately heads for the back seat and sits directly behind the newly-minted driver. "Hey Dad, I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all the months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," says the beaming boy to his father. Dad replies, "Nope, just start driving.  I'm gonna do like you've been doing to me all these years.  I'm gonna sit back here and kick the back of your seat."

 

Obituary

 

A lady sent in a long obituary. The paper called and told her the cost was so much per word. "Oh, my" she said, "Just change that to 'George died.'" The paper then told her that there was a five word minimum. "Well," she said, "make that 'George died, Buick for sale.'"

The Top Ten Dinner Dishes When Mom's Away and Dad's Cooking

 

10. Hot dogs with just a hint of Tabasco.
9. "Kids eat free" night at the steak house.
8. Pizza.
7. Broiled bologna benedict on rye.
6. Back-of-the-fridge goulash (with lots of pepper).
5. Chips and salsa.
4. Cocoa Puff surprise.
3. Something old, something blue, something frozen, call it stew.
2. Cold pizza.
1. Whatever's cooking at Grandma's.

 

Military Man

 

A military man should make an excellent husband. He can cook, sew, and make beds; he is in good health; and he's already used to taking orders.

 

License to Fish

 

A man was stopped by a game warden recently with two ice chests full of live fish in water, leaving a river well known for its fishing. The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?" "Naw, my friend, I ain't got no license. These here are my pet fish." "Pet fish?" "Yep. Every night I take these fish down to the river and let 'em swim' round for a while. Then I whistle and they jump right back into this ice chest and I take 'em home." "That's a bunch of bunk! Fish can't do that!" The man looked at the game warden for a moment and then said, "It's the truth. I'll show you. It really works." "Okay, I've GOT to see this!" The man poured the fish into the river and stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said, "Well?" "Well, what?" said the man. "When are you going to call them back?" "Call who back?" "The FISH!" "What fish?"

Dad Joke

 

Doctors got together to study the effects of alcohol on a person's walk, and the results were staggering.

 

Today’s Thought

 

I can't wait to set the clocks back this weekend and get an extra hour of unable to sleep.

Friday's Funnies

 Too Old To Trick Or Treat

 

You know you are too old to Trick or Treat when:

10. You keep knocking on your own front door.

9. You remove your false teeth to change your appearance.

8. You ask for soft, high fiber candy only.

7. Someone drops a candy bar in your bag and you lose your balance and fall over.

6. People say: "Great Boris Karloff Mask," and you're not wearing a mask.

5. The door opens, you yell "Trick or..." but you can't remember the rest.

4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.

3. You have to carefully choose a costume that doesn't dislodge your hairpiece.

2. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.

1. You keep having to go home to use the bathroom.

 

Yearly Physical

 

I went to the doctor for my yearly physical. The nurse started with certain basics. "How much do you weigh?" she asked. "135," I said. The nurse put me on the scale. It turns out my weight is 180. The nurse asked, "Your height?" "5 foot 6," I said. The nurse checked and saw that I only measure 5 foot 2 inches. She then took my blood pressure and told me that it is very high. "Of course it's high!" I screamed. "When I came in here I was tall and slender! Now I'm short and fat!"

 

Learn The First Time

 

One day an employee came into work with both of his ears bandaged. His boss asked him what happened to his ears. "Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and I accidentally answered the iron instead of the phone!" "Well," the boss said, "that explains one ear, but what about the other?" "They called back."

 

Seen In The Cafeteria

 

At work, my dad noticed that the name of an employee was the same as an old friend. He found the man's e-mail address and sent him a message. When Dad received a reply, he was insulted and fired back another e-mail: "I have put on some weight, but I didn't realize it was that noticeable." His friend's hastily typed message, with an apparent typo, had read: "Hi, Ron. I didn't know you worked here, but I did see a gut that looked like you in the cafeteria."

 

Excuses Why People Don't Go To Church - Applied Elsewhere

Everybody has a good excuse for not attending church. If you take those excuses and apply them to other things we do (or don't do), like eating, they might look like this list. I don't eat anymore because:

1. I was forced to eat as a child.
2. People who eat all the time are hypocrites; they aren't really hungry.
3. There are so many different kinds of food, I can't decide what to eat.
4. I used to eat, but I got bored and stopped.
5. I only eat on special occasions, like Christmas and Easter.
6. None of my friends will eat with me.
7. I'll start eating when I get older.
8. I don't really have time to eat.
9. I don't believe that eating does anybody any good. It's just a crutch.
10. Restaurants and grocery stores are only after your money.

Handy Guide To Modern Science

 

1. If it's green or it wiggles, it's Biology.

2. If it stinks, it's Chemistry.

3. If it doesn't work, it's Physics.

 

Chocolate Voices

 

When I look at chocolate, I hear two voices in my head. The first one says, "You need to eat the chocolate.” The second one says, "You heard. Eat the chocolate."

 

Baseball in Heaven

 

Two seventy year old men, Moe and Sam, have been friends all their lives. It seems that Sam is dying, so Moe comes to visit him. "Sam," says Moe, "You know how we have both loved baseball all our lives. Sam, you gotta do me one favor. When you go, somehow you've got to find a way to get a message to me to tell me if there's baseball in heaven." Sam looks up at Moe from his deathbed and says, "Moe, you've been my friend many years. This favor I'll try to do for you." And with that Sam passes on. It is midnight a couple of nights later. Moe is sound asleep when a distant voice calls out to him, "Moe...Moe..." "Who is it?" says Moe sitting up suddenly, "Who is it?" "Moe, it's Sam." "Come on. You're not Sam. Sam died." said Moe, coming awake. "I'm telling you," insists the voice. "It's me, Sam!" "Sam? Is that you? Where are you?" asks Moe. "I'm in heaven," says Sam, "and I've gotta tell you, I've got some good news and some bad news." "Tell me the good news first," says Moe. "The good news is that there is baseball in heaven." "Really?" says Moe, "That's wonderful! What's the bad news? "You're pitching Tuesday!"

Bad Sign

 

A little boy just couldn't learn. One day his teacher asked him who signed the Declaration of Independence. He didn't know. For almost a week she asked him the same question every day, but still he couldn't come up with the right answer. Finally, in desperation, she called the boy's father to her office. "Your boy won't tell me who signed the Declaration of Independence," she complained. "Come here, son, and sit down," the dad said to the boy. "Now if you signed that crazy thing, just admit it so we can get out of here!"

 

Dad Joke

 

A customer walks into a dress shop and ask, "May I try on that dress in the window?" The salesperson replies, "We prefer you use the dressing rooms."

Today’s Thought

 

It's that time of year when I get to pretend the 5-pound bag of candy I'm buying is for trick-or-treaters.

Friday's Funnies

 

Project Picture

 

My 12-year-old daughter asked me, "Mom, do you have a baby picture of yourself? I need it for a school project."  I gave her one without thinking to ask what the project was.  A few days later I was in her classroom for a parent-teacher meeting when I noticed my face pinned to a mural the students had created.  The title of their project was: "The oldest thing in my house."

In The Library

 

A not-so-smart person walks up to the counter and says: "I'd like a cheeseburger, fries and a Diet Coke."
The man behind the counter says "Look around! This is a LIBRARY!"  "Oh, how silly of me." says the person. She then begins whispering, "I'd like a cheeseburger, fries and a Diet Coke..."

Brief Ceremony

 

After the benediction, he had planned to call the couple down for a brief ceremony in front of the congregation. For the life of him, he couldn't think of the names of those who were to be married. "Will those wanting to get married please come to the front?" he requested. Immediately, nine single ladies, three widows, four widowers, and six single men stepped to the front.

 

Practice What You Preach

 

A baseball manager who had an ulcer went to see his doctor for a checkup. "Remember," the doctor said, "don't get excited, don't get mad, and forget about baseball when you're off the field."  Then he added, "By the way, how come you let the pitcher bat yesterday with the tying run on second and two men out in the ninth?"

 

Genie

 

Three dinosaurs stumble across a magic lamp. They rub it, and a genie appears.  "I have three wishes, so I'll give one to each of you," the genie announces.  The first dinosaur thinks hard.   "Alright," he says, "I'll have a big, juicy, piece of meat."  Instantly, the biggest, juiciest piece of meat he'd ever seen appears in front of him.  Not to be outdone, the second dinosaur thinks even harder.  "I know! I'll have a shower of meat!"  Immediately, huge pieces of meat rain down around him.  The third dinosaur, certainly not to be outdone, thinks harder than the previous dinosaurs.  "I've got it!" he cries, "I want a MEATIER shower!"

 

First Aid

 

"How come you're late?" asks the bartender as the blonde waitress walks in the door.  "It was awful," she explains. "I was walking down Elm Street and there was this terrible accident. A man was lying in the middle of the street; he was thrown from his car. His leg was broken, his skull was fractured, and there was blood everywhere. Thank goodness I took that first aid course -- all my training came back to me in a flash."  "What did you do?" asks the bartender.  "I sat down and put my head between my knees to keep from fainting!"

Carpooling to Work

 

Carpooling to work, a man got increasingly stressed with each trip. After a week of panic attacks, he went to the doctor.  "I'm fine on the bridges, in the traffic and even in the dark after a long day," the man explained. "But when I go through the tunnels with those three other guys, I feel like I'm gonna explode. Am I crazy?"  "Not at all," the doctor said. "You just have Car-pool Tunnel Syndrome."

First Day

 

Little Johnny was thrilled when his turn came to enter kindergarten. To make sure he had plenty of time to eat breakfast and get ready on the first day, his mother woke everybody up early -- so early that it was still dark.  After looking outside Little Johnny went down the hall and found his mother dressing in the bedroom. He looked so troubled that his mother asked, "What's wrong?" mustering as much cheerfulness into her voice as she could at that hour. "This is your big day!"  Little Johnny blurted, "You didn't tell me I was going to night school."

You're Lost Between Baby Boomer And Generation X If... Part 3

 

1. You learned to swim at about the same time "Jaws" came out....and still carry the emotional scars to prove it.

2. You remember when your cable TV box had a sliding selector switch... and your "cable remote" was connected to the TV by CORD!

3. Your jaw would ache by the time you finished one of those brick-sized packages of Bazooka.

4. You remember Bo and Luke Duke, Daisy, Boss Hogg, or--worst of all--what Sheriff Roscoe's full name was.

5. Your parents paid $2,000 for a top-loading VCR that was almost the size of a coffee table.

6. You found nothing strange about Bert and Ernie living together.

7. You remember having a rotary phone.

8. You actually believed that Mikey--famed kid on the Life cereal commercials--died after eating Pop Rocks and drinking a Coke.

9. "Members Only" jackets...say no more.

10. And lastly, I'll make a song stick in your head for the rest of the day:...you actually remember the words to the theme song of "The Greatest American Hero."

Dad’s Joke

 

A generous army general walked into a bar and ordered everyone around.

 

Today’s Thought

 

Humans are 90% water – basically cucumbers with anxiety.

Friday's Funnies

 

New House

 

Little Chad: "So your family got a new house! How do you like it?"

Little Jon: "It's terrific! I have my own room, Billy has his own room, and Jenny has her own room. But poor Mom is still in with Dad."

 

Spelling

 

Teacher: "And how did you spend your summer vacation?"

Pupil: "We visited my grandmother in Minneapolis, Minnesota."

Teacher: "Very good. Can you tell the class how to spell that?"

Pupil: "Actually, I think we went to Ohio."

 

Wrong Answer

 

COP: Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?

ME:   If you forgot, then I'm not reminding you.

COP: Step out of the vehicle.

 

Homework

 

"Michael, where's your homework?" Miss Martin said sternly to the little boy while holding out her hand. "My dog ate it," was his solemn response.  "Michael, I've been a teacher for eighteen years. Do you really expect me to believe that?"  "It's true, Miss Martin, I swear it is," insisted Michael. "I had to smear it with honey, but I finally got him to eat it."

 

Worm Science

 

A science teacher decided to conduct an experiment to show his students the benefits of a healthy lifestyle. He took four jam jars. In jar one he put cigarette smoke. In jar two, alcohol. In jar three junk food and in jar four good clean dirt. He then put an earthworm into each jar, sealed them and put them in a cupboard.  At the end of a week he took the jars out and showed them to the students, saying. "Look, the worm in the cigarette smoke is dead, the worm in the alcohol is dead, and the worm in the junk food is dead. However, the worm in the dirt is alive and well. What do we learn from this?"  One young student put up his hand and said, "If we smoke, drink alcohol and eat junk food, we won't get worms."

 

Part 2 - You're Lost Between Baby Boomer And Generation X If...

 

1. You had a crush on Ted the photographer on "Love Boat," Gage from "Emergency," or Ponch from "CHIPS."

 

2. Your hair at some point in time in the '80s could only be described by saying, "I was experimenting."

 

3. You've ever shopped at Benetton.

 

4. You remember trying to guess which episode of "The Brady Bunch" it was by the first scene.

 

5. You recall when Love's Baby Soft was in every girl's Christmas stocking.

 

6. You were unsure if Diet Coke would ever catch on. (Related item: you were sure that "New Coke" would NEVER catch on.)

 

7. You know all the words to the double-album set of the "Grease" soundtrack.

 

8. You sat with your friends on any given Friday night circa 1982 and dialed 867-5309 to see if Jenny was actually there.

 

9. "All skate, change directions" means something to you.

 

10. You've ever owned a pair of rainbow suspenders like the ones Mork used to wear.

 

Go Forth, Be Fruitful And Multiply

 

Noah opens up the ark and let all the animals out, announcing to them all to follow God's command and "Go forth, be fruitful and multiply."  He's about to close the great doors of the ark when he notices that there are two snakes sitting in a dark corner and not making a move to leave. So he says to them, "Didn't you hear me? You can go now. Go forth and multiply."  The snakes reply, "That command doesn't apply to us."  Noah shakes his head and asks why.  "We don't multiply," said the snakes, "we're adders."

 

Not At Work

 

My boss didn't come in to work today. He called this morning and said he was having a vision problem.

When I asked what was wrong, he replied, "I just can't see myself at work today."

 

Lady's Tee

 

A male golfer was preparing to hit his ball from the lady's tee on the first hole, right in front of the pro shop. As he began his backstroke, a voice boomed over the public address system: "Would the man hitting his ball from the lady's tee, please move it back to the men's tee?!"  He glared over his shoulder, then began again to prepare to hit his ball.  The loudspeaker again shattered the silence, repeating, "Will the man hitting his ball from the lady's tee, please move it back to the men's tee?!  At that, the man turned and faced the clubhouse. Cupping his hands on his mouth he hollered, "Will the man in the clubhouse please be quiet, so I can take my second shot?!"

 

Feeding the Baby

 

A first-time father was taking a turn at feeding the baby some strained peas. Naturally, there were traces of the food everywhere, especially on the infant.  His wife comes in, looks at the infant, then at her husband staring into space, then says, "What in the world are you doing?"  He replied, "I'm waiting for the first coat to dry, so I can put on another."

 

Today’s Thought

 

I had plastic surgery last week. My husband cut up my credit cards.

Friday's Funnies

 

Workout

Started a new routine this week, doing crunches twice a day: Cap'n in the morning, Nestle's in the afternoon.

The Breaks

While leading a tour of kindergarten students through our hospital, I overheard a conversation between one little girl and an x-ray technician. "Have you ever broken a bone?" he asked. "Yes," the girl replied. "Did it hurt?" "No." "Really? Which bone did you break?" "My sister's arm."

Short Quotes

·         "My favorite 'essential oil' is bacon grease."

·         "They told me I was gullible. I believed them."

·         "When will all the rhetorical questions end?"

 

Exercise Perspective

1. If walking/cycling is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.
2. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water and is fat.
3. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years.
4. A tortoise doesn't run, does nothing, yet lives for 450 years.  ...and you tell me to exercise so I'll live longer?

The Speeders

 

·         An officer stopped a man doing 80 mph. When he asked the driver whether he had seen the speed-limit signs, the man responded, "I went by them so fast I probably missed them."

·         A man going south on I-95 was stopped near Washington Avenue doing 79 mph. "My engine misses, and I'm trying to clean out the carburetor," he told the officer. For good measure, he added, "If I don't go this fast, my car won't go at all."

·         "I'm due in traffic court," one speeder said. "If I'm late they're going to enforce the bench warrant."

·         An elderly person was stopped after doing 73 mph. When told he was getting a ticket, he asked the officer, "Is there a senior citizen's discount?"

 

You're Lost Between Baby Boomer And Generation X If...

 

1. You remember when Jordache jeans with a flat-handle comb in the back pocket was cool.
2. Any photograph of you shows you wearing an Izod shirt with the collar turned up.
3. You know any "Weird Al" Yankovic songs by heart.
4. You were once bowled over by the technological excellence of such products as Atari, IntelliVision, TelStar and Coleco.
5. You and your friends ever discussed having a reunion at the end of the century and playing Prince's "1999."
6. You took family trips BEFORE the invention of the minivan.
7.  (Related to #6) You rode in the back of the station wagon facing the cars behind you.
8. Schoolhouse Rock played a HUGE part in how you learned things like grammar, math and history. (A big hint here is if the only way you can recite the Preamble to the Constitution is by singing it.)
9. You remember with pain the day the Green Machine hit the streets (or the sidewalks), instantly making your Big Wheel obsolete.
10. The age-old question "Where's the beef?" still makes you laugh.

 

Kids Ask The Best Questions

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God.' The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.' Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, 'They will in a minute.'

A   Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six-year-olds. After explaining the commandment to 'honor' thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?' From the back, one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, 'Thou shall not kill.'

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.  
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, 'Why are some of your hairs white, Mum?' Her mother replied, 'Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.'  The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, 'Mummy, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?'

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.  'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There’s Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.' A small voice at the back of the room rang out, 'And there's the teacher, she's dead.'

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood.  Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, 'Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.'  'Yes,' the class said. 'Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary positions the blood doesn't run into my feet?' A little fellow shouted, “Cause your feet aren’t empty.”

 

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note and posted on the apple tray: 'Take only ONE.  God is watching.' Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.  A child had written a note, 'Take all you want.  God is watching the apples....'

 

Dad Joke

 

My uncle spent $250,000 on a new limousine and later found out the price does not include a driver.  To think he spent all that money and has nothing to chauffeur it.

 

Today’s Thought

 

Have you ever seen a plumber bite his nails?

Friday's Funnies

 Pulled Over

 

Cop: You know how fast you were going?
Guy: Sorry officer, I was just trying to catch up with traffic.
Cop: What traffic? The road is empty.
Guy: Yea, that's how far behind I am.

 

Rejected International Sports Team Names

 

Brussels Sprouts

Cannes Openers

Vienna Sausages

Belgium Waffles

Manila Folders

Czech Bouncers

New Delhi Catessans

Seoul Brothers

Taipei Personalities

Hungary Jacks

Prague Tologists

 

Mom Texting

 

A mother texting to her son, "John, just found out Aunt Elsie died. LOL"

Son: "Why are you saying LOL?"

Mom: "I am adding Lots Of Love."

Son: "Mom, that means Laughing Out Loud!"

 

Homework

 

I asked my student where his homework was. He replied, “It’s still in my pencil.”

 

You Asked

 

A young woman decided to redecorate her bedroom. She wasn't sure how many rolls of wallpaper she would need, but she knew that her friend next door had recently done the same job and the two rooms were identical in size. "Buffy," she said, "how many rolls of wallpaper did you buy for your bedroom?" "Ten," said Buffy. So the girl bought the ten rolls of paper and did the job, but she had 2 rolls leftover. "Buffy," she said. "I bought ten rolls of wallpaper for the bedroom, but I've got 2 leftover!" "Yeah!" said Buffy. "So did I."

 

Smarter Than You'd Think

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This kid is not so bright. Watch while I prove it to you." The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?" The boy takes the quarters, leaves the dollar and heads out the door. "What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!" Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store and says, "Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?" The boy licked his 50-cent cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over!"

 

Cards

 

Terry slammed his cards on the table and left the game in a huff. "Boy," said another player disgustingly, "I really hate playing cards with a bad loser." "He isn't very pleasant," another player said, raking in the chips, "but it's better than playing with a good winner."

 

Birthdays

 

My four-year-old son told me that it was his stuffed animal's birthday today. Since this was probably the third birthday this animal had in about as many weeks, I commented that she seems to have a lot of birthdays. He explained, "Well, the older you get, the faster they come!"

 

Always On Call

A pastor assured his congregation he was their servant and that they should feel free to call him anytime they had a problem. That night the pastor's phone rang at 3 a.m. On the other end was a dear elderly lady who said, "Pastor, I can't sleep." "I'm so sorry to hear that," he comforted her. "But what can I do about it?" The pastor asked. She sweetly replied, "Preach to me a while, pastor."

It's What He Said

On one particular Sunday, the pastor was emphasizing the importance of everyone giving their tithes and offerings. He went on to challenge the people to give enthusiastically because 2 Corinthians 9:7 says in it that "God loves a cheerful giver." As the plate was passed, a little boy in the second pew quickly slipped off his necktie and placed it into the offering plate. His mother, absolutely mortified, asked him what in the world he thought he was doing. The boy replied, "The pastor said put your ties in the offering plate and do it joyfully. I love that man!"

Not What She Wanted

As a department store retail clerk, I requested identification from a customer who had just written a personal check for her purchase. After fumbling through her purse, she presented me with what she said was the only thing that bore both her name and address. It was notice from her bank — of insufficient funds.

Quickies

 

·         You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted and used against you.

·         I believe we should all pay our tax bill with a smile. I tried — but they wanted cash.

 

Dad Joke

 

Just so everyone's clear, I'm going to put my glasses on.

 

Today’s Thought

 

The reason reusable shopping bags last so long is that we forget to take them back to shop with.