Overheard
While watching a movie recently, I couldn't hear the dialogue over the chatter of the two women sitting in front of me. Unable to bear it any longer, I tapped one of them on the shoulder. "Excuse me," I said, "I can't hear." "I should hope not," she replied sharply. "This is a private conversation."
The Greatest
"I'm the greatest batter in the world," said the proud boy as he tossed the ball into the air and swung his bat. He missed. Undaunted, he threw the ball up again and said, "I'm the greatest batter ever!" He missed again. He looked at his ball and then his bat. Once more he tossed the ball up into the air. "I'm the greatest batter who ever lived!" He swung hard and missed. "Wow!" he exclaimed. "And I'm an even better pitcher!"
Good Question
I worked in the biology department at Buffalo State College in New York. The Great Lakes Laboratory, also stationed at the college, employed a licensed boat captain to man its research vessel. It was common knowledge that the captain couldn't swim. When newcomers learned of this, they would approach him about it. "Is it true?" one of them asked incredulously. "You, a boat captain, can't swim?" "No, I can't," he replied. "Can airplane pilots fly?"
Best Out-Of-Office Automatic E-mail Replies
- I am currently out of the office at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Please be prepared for my mood.
- You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.
- Sorry to have missed you, but I'm at the doctor's having my brain and heart removed so I can be promoted to our management team.
- I will be unable to delete all the e-mails you send me until I return from vacation. Please be patient, and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.
- Thank you for your e-mail. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first 10 words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.
- The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection. Your message has not been delivered. Please restart your computer and try sending again.
- Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.
- Hi, I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.
Ready But Not Willing
A friend of mine is a deputy with the sheriff's department canine unit. One evening, the deputy was dispatched to the scene of a possible burglary, where he discovered the back door of a building ajar. He let the dog out his patrol car and commanded it to enter and seek.
Jumping from the back seat, the dog headed for the building. After lunging through the doorway, the dog froze and backed out. My friend was puzzled until he investigated further and saw the sign on the building: "Veterinarian's Office."
Hard work
The manager is reviewing a potential employee's application and notes that the fellow has never worked in retail before.
"For a man with no experience," says he, "you are certainly asking a high wage."
"Well Sir," the applicant replies, "the work is so much harder when you don't know what you're doing..."
Hearing Aid
My wife and I laughed when John, a neighbor, told us how his hearing aid occasionally emits a high-pitched squeal that can be heard by anyone near him. His granddaughter was sitting on his lap one day when the device started to beep.
Surprised, the granddaughter looked up at him and said, "Oh, Grampa, you've got e-mail!"
Auto Accident
Officer, this is how the fight started... I rear-ended the car in front of me. I admit that. It was my fault.
So, we both pull over to the side of the road, and slowly the driver of the car I hit gets out of his car. . . and you know how you just-get-sooo stressed.... and life... sometimes life seems like... suddenly funny?
Well, the driver of the car I hit is a DWARF! He gets out of his car and I get out of my car. He is frowning and scowling and he storms over to me. Right up close at me, he looks up in my face and says, "I AM NOT HAPPY!"
I don't know what possessed me, officer, but I looked down at him and I said, "Well, if you're not Happy -- which one are you?"
…… and that's how the fight started...
Friday, June 27, 2008
Friday, June 20, 2008
Friday's Funnies
There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So the rich man began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.
An angel hears his plea and appears to him. "Sorry Rich Man, but you can't take your wealth with you."
The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules. The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him.
The angel reappears and informs the man that God had decided to allow him to take one suit-case with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed.
Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter. Peter seeing the suitcase says, "Hold on, you can't bring that in here!" But, the man explains to Peter that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord.
Sure enough, Peter checks and comes back saying, "You're right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check its contents before letting it through."
Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims...
"You brought pavement?!?"
+++++
Knowing Trash
I've been hauling trash for years, so when the sign "Garbage" appeared on a trash can, I replaced it with my own note: "After 20 years on the job, I know garbage when I see it!" I emptied the can and left. The next week, a new note appeared on the same can: "Dear Professor Trash, the garbage can is the garbage."
25 Easy Ways to Curb the Annoying Problem of Church Growth
- Begin your message with the phrase, "You know what's wrong with you people..."
- Begin that year-long sermon series on the 40 weeks of Daniel.
- Place tire puncture strips in the parking lot for cars going the wrong way before Sunday school. - Keep the Christmas pageant livestock in the church choir room year 'round.
- If your auditorium slopes downward to the platform, give every kid under 12 a handful of marbles before the service.
- Give deacons the ability to "gong" the special music.
- Place the outdoor welcome center tent a few feet from the septic tank.
- Replace the pictures of former pastors with pictures of Larry, Moe, and Curly.
- Put a blank for "weight" on the membership information forms.
- In order to feel relevant, say "Dude" 15 times from the pulpit each Sunday.
- Have the organist play hockey cheers at pivotal moments of the sermon.
- Before the offertory hymn, have the worship leader scream, "Show me the money!"
- Illustrate all sermons or Sunday school lessons with scenes from "Walker, Texas Ranger."
- Charge tolls for the use of restrooms.
Enough Said
Margaret had spent weeks preparing the older members of her junior church for their move to the adult church service. Much to her chagrin, during their first service there, one boy in the front row was talking and giggling nonstop. Finally, unable to put up with it any longer, she whispered to the lad seated next to her, "Please go up there and tell that one he's done enough talking and had better stop, right now!" Without question, the boy rose and walked to the front...and delivered Margaret's message to the surprised pastor in the middle of his sermon!
Slim Chance
Rosey and Nina were best of friends and tried to do everything together. Rosey announced that she was going to start a diet to lose some pounds she had put on recently. "Good," Nina exclaimed. "I'm ready to start a diet too. We can be dieting buddies and help each other out. And when I feel the urge to drive out and get a burger and fries, I'll call you first." "Great," Rosey replied. "I'll ride with you to Burger King."
+++++
Two bowling teams, one of all blondes and one of all brunettes, chartered a double-decker bus for a weekend gambling trip.
The brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus, and the blonde team rode on the top level.
The brunette team down below really whooped it up, having a great time, when one of the brunettes realized she had not heard anything from the blondes upstairs.
She decided to go up and investigate. When the brunette reached the top, she found all the blondes in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.
The brunette asked, "What in the world is going on up here? We are having a great time downstairs!"
One of the blondes looked at her, swallowed hard, and whispered, "YEAH, BUT YOU HAVE A DRIVER!"
An angel hears his plea and appears to him. "Sorry Rich Man, but you can't take your wealth with you."
The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules. The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him.
The angel reappears and informs the man that God had decided to allow him to take one suit-case with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed.
Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter. Peter seeing the suitcase says, "Hold on, you can't bring that in here!" But, the man explains to Peter that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord.
Sure enough, Peter checks and comes back saying, "You're right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check its contents before letting it through."
Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims...
"You brought pavement?!?"
+++++
Knowing Trash
I've been hauling trash for years, so when the sign "Garbage" appeared on a trash can, I replaced it with my own note: "After 20 years on the job, I know garbage when I see it!" I emptied the can and left. The next week, a new note appeared on the same can: "Dear Professor Trash, the garbage can is the garbage."
25 Easy Ways to Curb the Annoying Problem of Church Growth
- Begin your message with the phrase, "You know what's wrong with you people..."
- Begin that year-long sermon series on the 40 weeks of Daniel.
- Place tire puncture strips in the parking lot for cars going the wrong way before Sunday school. - Keep the Christmas pageant livestock in the church choir room year 'round.
- If your auditorium slopes downward to the platform, give every kid under 12 a handful of marbles before the service.
- Give deacons the ability to "gong" the special music.
- Place the outdoor welcome center tent a few feet from the septic tank.
- Replace the pictures of former pastors with pictures of Larry, Moe, and Curly.
- Put a blank for "weight" on the membership information forms.
- In order to feel relevant, say "Dude" 15 times from the pulpit each Sunday.
- Have the organist play hockey cheers at pivotal moments of the sermon.
- Before the offertory hymn, have the worship leader scream, "Show me the money!"
- Illustrate all sermons or Sunday school lessons with scenes from "Walker, Texas Ranger."
- Charge tolls for the use of restrooms.
Enough Said
Margaret had spent weeks preparing the older members of her junior church for their move to the adult church service. Much to her chagrin, during their first service there, one boy in the front row was talking and giggling nonstop. Finally, unable to put up with it any longer, she whispered to the lad seated next to her, "Please go up there and tell that one he's done enough talking and had better stop, right now!" Without question, the boy rose and walked to the front...and delivered Margaret's message to the surprised pastor in the middle of his sermon!
Slim Chance
Rosey and Nina were best of friends and tried to do everything together. Rosey announced that she was going to start a diet to lose some pounds she had put on recently. "Good," Nina exclaimed. "I'm ready to start a diet too. We can be dieting buddies and help each other out. And when I feel the urge to drive out and get a burger and fries, I'll call you first." "Great," Rosey replied. "I'll ride with you to Burger King."
+++++
Two bowling teams, one of all blondes and one of all brunettes, chartered a double-decker bus for a weekend gambling trip.
The brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus, and the blonde team rode on the top level.
The brunette team down below really whooped it up, having a great time, when one of the brunettes realized she had not heard anything from the blondes upstairs.
She decided to go up and investigate. When the brunette reached the top, she found all the blondes in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.
The brunette asked, "What in the world is going on up here? We are having a great time downstairs!"
One of the blondes looked at her, swallowed hard, and whispered, "YEAH, BUT YOU HAVE A DRIVER!"
Friday, June 13, 2008
Friday's Funnies
A recent study found the average American walks about 900 miles per year. Another study found Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year.
That means, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon.
Wow we're good!
+++++
A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation were chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner. He was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.
'I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife; taken illegal drugs, etc…. I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.'.....
Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk. 'I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived,' said the politician. 'In fact, I had the honor of being the first one to go to him in confession.'
Moral: NEVER, NEVER, NEVER BE LATE
+++++
Hungry?
An enthusiastic door-to-door vacuum cleaner salesman goes to the first house in his new territory. He knocks and a lady opens the door. Before she has a chance to say anything, he runs inside and dumps garden soil all over the carpet. He says, "Lady, if this vacuum cleaner doesn't do wonders cleaning this up, I'll eat every bit of it." She turns to him with a smirk and says, "You want ketchup on that?" The salesman says, "Why do you ask?" She says, "We just moved in and we haven't got the electricity turned on yet."
French Dream
A boy was having a lot of difficulty in French class. To encourage him, his teacher said, "You'll know you're really beginning to get it when you start dreaming in French." The boy ran into class one day all excited, saying, "Teacher, teacher! I had a dream last night and everyone was talking in French." "Great," said the teacher; "what were they saying?" "I don't know," the boy replied. "I couldn't understand them."
Where There's a Will...
A woman was bitten by a mad dog and was advised to make a will because there was a possibility of rabies. She wrote furiously for two hours. "It looks like an unusually long will," her lawyer said. "Who's writing a will?" she snapped. "This is a list of people I want to bite!"
State Pride
Apparently I tend to brag too much about my home state of Ohio. One day I told a long-suffering friend, "You know, the first man in powered flight was from Ohio. The first man to orbit the earth was from Ohio. And the first man on the moon was from Ohio." "Sounds like a lot of people are trying to get out of Ohio," he observed.
Oops
An attorney I know once drafted wills for an elderly husband and wife who had been somewhat apprehensive about discussing death. When they arrived to sign the documents, he ushered the couple into his office. "Now," he said to them, "which one of you wants to go first?"
Counting Goats
Who says today's kids aren't smart? At a high school in Montana a group of high schoolers played a prank on the school. They let 3 goats loose in the school. Before they let them go they painted numbers on the sides of the goats..1-2-4. Local school administrators spent most of the day looking for #3.
+++++
1/2 Davis Junior = Semi Davis Junior
1/10 Appolis = 1 Miniappolis
1/2 Moore = Demi Moore
Nufish + Nufish = Tunafish
3.14159 Ano = piano
1/10 Arnez = 1 Deci Arnez
1/9 Nanette = Nononanette
+++++
You are in a steel room with no windows, doors or openings. All you have is a matchbook... how do you get out?
Answer: Strike One! Strike Two! Strike Three...You're Out!
That means, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon.
Wow we're good!
+++++
A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation were chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner. He was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.
'I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife; taken illegal drugs, etc…. I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.'.....
Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk. 'I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived,' said the politician. 'In fact, I had the honor of being the first one to go to him in confession.'
Moral: NEVER, NEVER, NEVER BE LATE
+++++
Hungry?
An enthusiastic door-to-door vacuum cleaner salesman goes to the first house in his new territory. He knocks and a lady opens the door. Before she has a chance to say anything, he runs inside and dumps garden soil all over the carpet. He says, "Lady, if this vacuum cleaner doesn't do wonders cleaning this up, I'll eat every bit of it." She turns to him with a smirk and says, "You want ketchup on that?" The salesman says, "Why do you ask?" She says, "We just moved in and we haven't got the electricity turned on yet."
French Dream
A boy was having a lot of difficulty in French class. To encourage him, his teacher said, "You'll know you're really beginning to get it when you start dreaming in French." The boy ran into class one day all excited, saying, "Teacher, teacher! I had a dream last night and everyone was talking in French." "Great," said the teacher; "what were they saying?" "I don't know," the boy replied. "I couldn't understand them."
Where There's a Will...
A woman was bitten by a mad dog and was advised to make a will because there was a possibility of rabies. She wrote furiously for two hours. "It looks like an unusually long will," her lawyer said. "Who's writing a will?" she snapped. "This is a list of people I want to bite!"
State Pride
Apparently I tend to brag too much about my home state of Ohio. One day I told a long-suffering friend, "You know, the first man in powered flight was from Ohio. The first man to orbit the earth was from Ohio. And the first man on the moon was from Ohio." "Sounds like a lot of people are trying to get out of Ohio," he observed.
Oops
An attorney I know once drafted wills for an elderly husband and wife who had been somewhat apprehensive about discussing death. When they arrived to sign the documents, he ushered the couple into his office. "Now," he said to them, "which one of you wants to go first?"
Counting Goats
Who says today's kids aren't smart? At a high school in Montana a group of high schoolers played a prank on the school. They let 3 goats loose in the school. Before they let them go they painted numbers on the sides of the goats..1-2-4. Local school administrators spent most of the day looking for #3.
+++++
1/2 Davis Junior = Semi Davis Junior
1/10 Appolis = 1 Miniappolis
1/2 Moore = Demi Moore
Nufish + Nufish = Tunafish
3.14159 Ano = piano
1/10 Arnez = 1 Deci Arnez
1/9 Nanette = Nononanette
+++++
You are in a steel room with no windows, doors or openings. All you have is a matchbook... how do you get out?
Answer: Strike One! Strike Two! Strike Three...You're Out!
Friday, June 6, 2008
Friday's Funnies
"Shopping trip"
A wife sent her husband and their daughter to the health food store with a carefully prepared shopping list. They returned with brussel sprouts, organically grown tomatoes, wild rice, tofu, veggie burgers and a box of sugar cookies.
The man noticed his wife's glare when she pulled out the cookies. So he said, "Hey, those cookies have one-third less sugar AND fat than usual!"
"Really? Why is that?" the mother asked.
"We ate a third of them on the way home," he replied.
+++++
"What's in a Name?"
Lawyer's daughter: Sue
Thief's son: Rob
Lawyer's son: Will
Doctor's son: Bill
Meteorologist's daughter: Haley
Steam shovel operator's son: Doug
Hair Stylist's son: Bob
Homeopathic doctor's son: Herb
Justice of the peace's daughter: Mary
Sound stage technician's son: Mike
Hot-dog vendor's son: Frank
Gambler's daughter: Bette
Exercise guru's son: Jim
Cattle Thief's son: Russell
Painter's son: Art
Iron worker's son: Rusty
TV show star's daughter: Emmy
Movie star's son: Oscar
Barber's son: Harry
+++++
When a man says, "Honey, there are only two minutes left in the football game," it is the same amount of time as when his wife says, "Honey, I'll be ready in two minutes."
+++++
There are three stages in life: You have to take a nap and don't want to; you want to take a nap but don't have the time; and you want to take a nap and have the time, but you can't fall asleep.
+++++
Who Says Rednecks Are Dumb?
"Hello, is this the sheriff's office?"
"Yes. What can I do for you?"
"I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith. He's hidin' marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there."
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the sheriff's deputies descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave. Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.
"Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd. Did the sheriff come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep!"
"Happy birthday, buddy!"
+++++
A doctor, and engineer and a lawyer were arguing over whose profession was the oldest. "On the sixth day, God took one of Adam's ribs and created Eve," said the doctor. "So that make him a surgeon first."
"Please," said the engineer. "Before that, God created the world from chaos and confusion, so he was first an engineer."
"Interesting," said the lawyer smugly, "but who do you think created the chaos and confusion?"
+++++
"If a woman has to chose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life," observes humorist Dave Barry, reflecting on the differences between the sexes, "she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base."
A wife sent her husband and their daughter to the health food store with a carefully prepared shopping list. They returned with brussel sprouts, organically grown tomatoes, wild rice, tofu, veggie burgers and a box of sugar cookies.
The man noticed his wife's glare when she pulled out the cookies. So he said, "Hey, those cookies have one-third less sugar AND fat than usual!"
"Really? Why is that?" the mother asked.
"We ate a third of them on the way home," he replied.
+++++
"What's in a Name?"
Lawyer's daughter: Sue
Thief's son: Rob
Lawyer's son: Will
Doctor's son: Bill
Meteorologist's daughter: Haley
Steam shovel operator's son: Doug
Hair Stylist's son: Bob
Homeopathic doctor's son: Herb
Justice of the peace's daughter: Mary
Sound stage technician's son: Mike
Hot-dog vendor's son: Frank
Gambler's daughter: Bette
Exercise guru's son: Jim
Cattle Thief's son: Russell
Painter's son: Art
Iron worker's son: Rusty
TV show star's daughter: Emmy
Movie star's son: Oscar
Barber's son: Harry
+++++
When a man says, "Honey, there are only two minutes left in the football game," it is the same amount of time as when his wife says, "Honey, I'll be ready in two minutes."
+++++
There are three stages in life: You have to take a nap and don't want to; you want to take a nap but don't have the time; and you want to take a nap and have the time, but you can't fall asleep.
+++++
Who Says Rednecks Are Dumb?
"Hello, is this the sheriff's office?"
"Yes. What can I do for you?"
"I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith. He's hidin' marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there."
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the sheriff's deputies descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave. Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.
"Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd. Did the sheriff come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep!"
"Happy birthday, buddy!"
+++++
A doctor, and engineer and a lawyer were arguing over whose profession was the oldest. "On the sixth day, God took one of Adam's ribs and created Eve," said the doctor. "So that make him a surgeon first."
"Please," said the engineer. "Before that, God created the world from chaos and confusion, so he was first an engineer."
"Interesting," said the lawyer smugly, "but who do you think created the chaos and confusion?"
+++++
"If a woman has to chose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life," observes humorist Dave Barry, reflecting on the differences between the sexes, "she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base."
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)