Friday's Funnies

Doctors Meeting

A group of psychiatrists were attending a convention. Four of them decided to leave, and walked out together. One said to the other three, "People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears, but we have no one that we can go to when we have problems." The others agreed.  Then one said, "Since we are all professionals, why don't we take some time right now to hear each other out?"  The other three agreed.  The first then confessed, "I have an uncontrollable desire to kill my patients."  The second psychiatrist said, "I love expensive things and so I find ways to cheat my patients out of their money whenever I can so I can buy the things I want."  The third followed with, "I'm involved with selling drugs and often get my patients to sell them for me."  The fourth psychiatrist then confessed, "I know I'm not supposed to, but no matter how hard I try, I can't keep a secret..."

Football Fan

A football fan is someone who'll yell at the quarterback for not spotting an open receiver forty-five yards down the field...and then head to the parking lot and not be able to find their own car.

Man of the House

He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law!  I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you are going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"  His wife replied, "The funeral director would be my guess."

Prayer

A lady hurried to the pharmacy to get medication, got back to her car, and found that she had locked her keys inside. She found an old rusty coat hanger on the ground, but she didn’t know how to use it to open the door. She bowed her head and asked God to send her some help. Within 5 minutes, a beat-up old motorcycle pulled up, driven by a bearded man wearing an old biker skull rag. He asked if he could help. She said, “Yes, my daughter is sick. I’ve locked my keys in my car, and I must get home. Please, can you use this coat hanger to open my car door?"  He said, “Sure.” He walked over to her car and, in less than 2 minutes, had the door open. She hugged the man and, through tears, softly said, “Thank you, God, for sending me such a nice man.” The man heard her little prayer and said, “Lady, I’m not a nice man. I just got out of prison. I was in for auto theft.” The woman hugged him again and sobbed, “Thank you, God! You even sent me a professional!”

Offering

A minister in a little church announced: "Before we pass the collection plate, I would like to request that the person who stole the chickens from Brother Martin's hen house please refrain from giving any money to the Lord.  The Lord doesn't want money from a thief!"  The collection plate was passed around, and for the first time in months everybody gave.

Surgeon and Architect

An architect watched a mechanic remove engine parts from his car to get to the valves. A surgeon, waiting for his car to be repaired, walked over to observe the process. After they introduced themselves, they began talking, and the talk turned to their lines of work.  "You know, doctor," said the architect, "I sometimes believe this type of work is as complicated as the work we do."  "Perhaps," the surgeon replied. "But let's see him do it while the engine is running."

Life

On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past.  For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."  The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

And God saw it was good.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."  The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"

And God, again saw it was good.

On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."  The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed it was good.

On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."  But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"  "Okay," said God, "You asked for it."  So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves.  For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family.  For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren.   And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

Ticket

"What am I supposed to do with this?" grumbled a motorist as the policeman handed him a speeding ticket. "Keep it," the cop said, "when you collect four of them you get a bicycle."

Today’s Thought

I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.

Friday's Funnies

Hearing Check

An old man was wondering if his wife had a hearing problem. So one night, he stood behind her while she was sitting in her lounge chair. He spoke softly to her, "Honey, can you hear me?"  There was no response.  He moved a little closer and said again, "Honey, can you hear me?"  Still, there was no response.  Finally, he moved right behind her and said, "Honey, can you hear me?"  She replied, "For the third time, Yes!"

Wise Beyond His Years

A teacher was finishing up a lesson on the joys of discovery and the importance of curiosity. "Where would we be today," she asked, "if no one had ever been curious?" One child quietly spoke up from the back of the room, "In the garden of Eden."

Women

Message by a wife: Dear Mother-in-law, don’t teach me how to handle my children. I am living with one of yours and he needs a lot of improvement!?

When a married man says, I WILL THINK ABOUT IT - what he really means is that he doesn't know his wife's opinion yet.

Why do women live a better, longer & more peaceful Life, compared to men? A very intelligent student replied: 'Because women don't have a wife!'

Dead Or Alive

There was once an aspiring veterinarian who put himself through veterinary school working nights as a taxidermist.  Upon graduation, he decided he could combine his two vocations to better serve the needs of his patients and their owners, while doubling his practice and, therefore, his income. He opened his own offices with a sign on the door saying, "Dr Jones, Veterinary Medicine and Taxidermy - either way, you get your dog back." 

Walk On Water

Dewey heard that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all walked on water on their 21st birthdays.  So, on his 21st birthday, Dewey and his big brother Damon, headed out to the lake. "If they did it, I can too!" he insisted.  When Dewey and Damon arrived at the lake, they rented a canoe and began paddling. When they got to the middle of the lake, Dewey stepped off of the side of the boat... and nearly drowned.  Furious and somewhat embarrassed, he and Damon headed for home.  When Dewey arrived back at the family home, he asked his grandmother for an explanation. "Grandma, why can't I walk on water like my father, and his father, and his father before him?"  His sweet old grandmother took Dewey by the hand, looked into his eyes, and explained, "That's because your father, grandfather, and great-grandfather were born in January, you were born in June, dear."

Tech Support

Tech: "Hello, this is tech support. What can I help you with today?"

User: (describes problem)

Tech: (rattles off computer jargon)

User: "Sorry, I don't understand. Can you explain what I should do as if I were a small child?"

Tech: "Okay: 'Hi, could you please put your mommy on the phone?'"

Perspective

A little girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap as he read her a bedtime story. From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek. She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again. Finally she spoke up, "Grandpa, did God make you?" "Yes, sweetheart," he answered, "God made me a long time ago." "Oh," she paused, "Grandpa, did God make me too?" "Yes, indeed, honey," he said, "God made you just a little while ago." Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, "God's getting better at it, isn't he?"

Long Sermon

A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"

The Flying Blondes

There were two blondes going to California for the summer, they are about two hours into the flight and the pilot gets on the intercom and says. "We just lost an engine but it is all right we have three more but it will take us an hour longer.  A half hour later he gets on the intercom again and says. "We just lost another engine but it's all right. We have two more. It will take us another half hour though."  One of the blondes says, "If we lose the two last engines, we will be up here all day?"

You Know You Need A New Lawyer When...

- The prosecutor sees your lawyer in the hall, and they high-five each other.
- During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway.
- He tells you that his last good case was a "Budweiser."
- He picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose."
- During the trial you catch him playing his Gameboy.
- Every couple of minutes he yells, "I call Jack Daniels to the stand!" and proceeds to drink a shot.
- Just before he says "Your Honor," he makes those little quotation marks in the air with his fingers.
- Whenever his objection is overruled, he tells the judge, "Whatever."
- He giggles every time he hears the word "briefs."
- He keeps citing the legal case of Godzilla v. Mothra.
- He begins closing arguments with, "As Ally McBeal once said..."

Today’s Thought

A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

Friday's Funnies

Searching For A Snack

The husband had an annoying habit of searching through the refrigerator for a snack, usually while his wife was preparing a meal.  Once, after he had gone through this routine for the third time in as many minutes, she snapped, "Nothing's any different than it was a minute ago."  "I know that," he assured her. "It's just that this time I've lowered my standards."

Priorities

While flying from Denver to Kansas City, Kansas, my mother was sitting across the aisle from a woman and her eight-year-old son. Mom couldn't help laughing as they neared their destination and she heard the mother say to the boy, "Now remember -- run to Dad first, then the dog."

From The Heart

As my five year old son and I were headed out for some fast food one day, we passed a car accident. Usually when we see something terrible like that, we say a prayer for those who might be hurt, so I pointed and said to my son, "We should pray." From the back seat I heard his earnest request: "Please, God, don't let those cars block the entrance to McDonald's."

Smart Dog

A wife says to her husband one weekend morning, "We've got such a clever dog. He brings in the daily newspapers every morning."  Her husband replied "Well, lots of dogs can do that."  The wife responded, " But we've never subscribed to any papers!"

Actual Call Center Conversations

Customer: 'I've been calling 700-1000 for two days and can't get through can you help?'

Operator: 'Where did you get that number, sir?'

Customer: 'It's on the door of your business.'

Operator: 'Sir, those are the hours that we are open.'

Samsung Electronics

Caller: 'Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?'

Operator: 'I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about.'

Caller: 'On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?'

Operator: 'I think it means the telephone plug on the wall.

RAC Motoring Services

Caller: 'Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am traveling in Australia?'

Operator: 'Does the policy name give you a clue?'

Caller (inquiring about legal requirements while traveling in Europe )

'If I register my car in France , and then take it to England , do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?'

Directory Inquiries

Caller: 'I'd like the number of the Argo Fish Bar, please'

Operator: 'I'm sorry, there's no listing. Are you sure that the spelling is correct?'

Caller: 'Well, it used to be called the Bargo Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off.'

Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.

Operator: 'Woven? Are you sure?'

Caller: 'Yes.. That's what it says on the label -- Woven in Scotland ...

On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator:

'I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on.'

 Tech Support: 'I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop.'

Customer: 'OK..'

Tech Support: 'Did you get a pop-up menu?'

Customer: 'No.'

Tech Support: 'OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?'

Customer: 'No.'

Tech Support: 'OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?'

Customer: 'Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click' .'

Tech Support: 'OK. At the bottom left hand side of your screen, can

you see the 'OK' button displayed?'

Customer: 'Wow! How can you see my screen from there?'

Caller: 'I deleted a file from my PC last week and I just realized that I need it.

So, if I turn my system clock back two weeks will I get my file back again?'

Near Death Experience

A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.  While on the operating table she had a near death experience.  Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?" God said, "No, you have another 40 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."  Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.  After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.  Arriving in front of God (again), she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years. Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"  God replied, "Sorry about that, I just didn't recognize you!"

Checking Account

Jim's beautiful, blonde wife was having trouble mastering the fine points of balancing the checking account.  "The bank returned the check you wrote to the department store," he said.  "Good," she replied. "Now I can use it to buy something else."

Today’s Thought

Age is a question of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn't matter.