Friday's Funnies

Idle Thoughts

- I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.
- I had amnesia once -- or twice.
- Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
- All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
- What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
- They told me I was gullible ... and I believed them.
- Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.
- Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.
- What if there were no hypothetical questions?
- One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.
- A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
- I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
- The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
- How can there be self-help "groups"?
- Is there another word for synonym?
- Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
- The speed of time is one-second per second.
- Is it possible to be totally partial?
- If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
- It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.
- Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?

Wisdom

A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?" He wisely answered, "Call for backup."

Not So Fast

A pastor watched a televised church service and was impressed by how everyone would turn around to greet and shake hands with other worshipers seated near them. The pastor felt that his church was a bit stuffy and could use a bit of friendliness. So, at Sunday morning worship he announced that next week they would initiate this custom of greeting one another. At the close of this same worship service one man turned around to the lady behind him and said a cheerful, "Good morning!" She looked back at him with shock at his boldness and said indignantly, "I beg your pardon! That friendliness business doesn't start until next Sunday!"

Vending

When the plate went by a little boy who was attending church for the first time, he dropped a penny in, then asked his mother, "What will come out of the plate, bubble gum or licorice?"

Miracle Cure?

Doctor Bloomfield, who was known for extraordinary treatment of arthritis, had a waiting room full of people when a little old lady, almost bent over in half, shuffled in slowly, leaning on her cane. When her turn came, she went into the doctor's office and, amazingly, emerged within 5 minutes walking completely erect with her head held high. A woman in the waiting room who had seen all this rushed up to the little old lady and said, "It's a miracle! You walked in bent in half and now you're walking erect. What did that doctor do?" "Gave me a longer cane."

Student News

College student: "Hey, Dad — I've got some great news for you!"
Father: "What's that, son?"
College student: "Remember that $500 you promised me if I made the Dean's list?"
Father: "I certainly do."
College student: "Well, you get to keep it!"

Ancestry

The following was overheard at a recent "high society" party: "My ancestry goes back all the way to Alexander the Great," said Christine. She then turned to Miriam and asked, "How far back does your family go?" "I don't know," replied Miriam, "All of our records were lost in the flood."

The Rookie

A rookie police officer was assigned to ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner. A call came over the car's radio telling them to disperse some people who were loitering. The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner. The rookie rolled down his window and said, "Let's get off the corner." No one moved, so he barked again, "Let's get off the corner!" Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled glances in his direction. Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, "Well, how did I do?" "Pretty good," replied the veteran, "especially since this was a bus stop."

No Escape

Determined to have one last, lazy day of fishing before summer's end, I purposely ignored the leaky faucet and the broken gate — household projects that had awaited me all summer. When my wife asked, "What are you going to do today?" I grinned and answered, "It starts with F and ends with ISH." "Oh, good," she replied. "You're finally going to FinISH up those projects."

Silence Pun

At a wedding I attended, the priest called for a moment of silence to remember the faithful dead. As the church grew quiet, a little boy sitting in front of me turned to his father and said excitedly, "Dad, you have some of their albums!"

Today’s Thought

Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto a freeway.

Friday's Funnies

Say What?

Bob was in his usual place in the morning sitting at the table, reading the paper after breakfast. He came across an article about a beautiful actress about to marry a football player who was known primarily for his lack of common knowledge and his fairly low IQ.  He turned to his wife Marlene with a look of question on his face. "I'll never understand why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives."  Marlene replies, "Why thank you, dear!"

What?

I went to the doctor the other day. She told me that I needed to get some exercise. So I went to McDonald's. My wife wanted to know why I went there. I told her the doctor told me to get some extra fries. She made me an appointment with a hearing doctor.

Birds

A couple birds were watching a rocket take off from Kennedy Space Center.  "Wow," said one, "look how fast he flies."  The other replied, "You'd fly like that too it your tail was on fire."

Grandma

Grandma Jones from the valley had never experienced a sick day in her life, so she didn't take it kindly when a bad case of the mulligrubs sent her to the hospital for observation.  By the time a pair of husky interns got Grandma tucked into bed, she had managed to complain about everything: the temperature, the lights, the skimpy gown, the food and the mattress, especially, the mattress.  Suddenly, Grandma spotted a small plastic item with a button, attached to a cord. "What's that?" she demanded.  "If you need anything in the middle of the night, Grandma," said one of the interns, "just press that button."  "What does it do, ring a bell?" she asked.  "No, it turns on a light in the hall for the nurse on duty," the intern replied.  "A light in the hall?" responded Grandma. "Look, I'm the sick one around here. If the night nurse needs a light on in the hall, she can get up and switch it on herself."

Ponderisms

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?

Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?

Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?

If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

When your photo is taken for your driver's license, why do they tell you to smile? If you are stopped by the police and asked for your license, are you going to be smiling?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

If Wyle E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME stuff, why didn't he just buy dinner?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Well-Planned Life

Two elderly women met for the first time since graduating from high school. One asked the other, "You were always so organized in school. Did you manage to live a well-planned life?"  "Yes," said her friend. "My first marriage was to a millionaire; my second marriage was to an actor; my third marriage was to a preacher; and now I'm married to an undertaker."  Her friend asked, "What do those marriages have to do with a well-planned life?"  "One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."

Food Groups

Each day I try to enjoy something from each of the four food groups: the bonbon group, the salty-snack group, the caffeine group, and the "whatever-the-thing-in-the-tinfoil-in-the-back-of-the-fridge-is" group.

Today’s Thought

I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. There’s one called brightness, but it doesn’t seem to work. 

Friday's Funnies

If My Body Were A Car

If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model.  I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull, but that's not the worst of it.  My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close.  My traction is not as graceful as it once was.  I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.  My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.  It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed.  My fuel rate burns inefficiently.  But here's the worst of it -- Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter..... either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires!

Salesman

The phone rang. It was a salesman from a mortgage refinance company calling a woman:  "Do you have a second mortgage on your home?"   "No," she replied.   "Would you like to consolidate all your debts?"   "I really don't have any debts," she said.   "How about freeing up cash for home improvements?" he tried.  "I don't need any. I just recently had some done and paid cash," she parried.  There was a brief silence, and then he asked, "Are you looking for a husband?"

Miracle Cure?

Doctor Bloomfield, who was known for extraordinary treatment of arthritis, had a waiting room full of people when a little old lady, almost bent over in half, shuffled in slowly, leaning on her cane. When her turn came, she went into the doctor's office and, amazingly, emerged within 5 minutes walking completely erect with her head held high.  A woman in the waiting room who had seen all this rushed up to the little old lady and said, "It's a miracle! You walked in bent in half and now you're walking erect. What did that doctor do?"  "Gave me a longer cane."

Just Sign Here

I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature I had just signed on the receipt. So, I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared the signature to the one I had just signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.

Meeting Schedule

Mr. Frobisher always scheduled the weekly staff meeting for four-thirty on Friday afternoons. When one of the employees finally got up the nerve to ask why, he explained. "I will tell you why. I've learned that's the only time of the week when nobody wants to argue with me."

Golf

After a particularly poor game of golf, a popular club member skipped the clubhouse and started to go home. As he was walking to the parking lot to get his car, a policeman stopped him and asked, "Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about twenty minutes ago?" "Yes," the golfer responded. "Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and off the course?" the cop asked. "Yes, I did. How did you know?" the golfer asked. "Well," said the policeman very seriously, "Your ball flew out onto the highway and crashed through a driver's windshield. The car went out of control, crashing into five other cars and a fire truck. The fire truck couldn't make it to the fire, and the building burned down. So, what are you going to do about it?" The golfer thought it over carefully and responded, "I think I'll close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb."

School Daze

In a grammar lesson in eighth grade Mrs. O'Neill said, "Sam, give me a sentence with a direct object." Sam replied, "Everyone thinks you are the best teacher in the school." "Thank you, Sam," responded Mrs. O'Neill, "But what is the object?" Sam said, "To get the best mark possible."

Photo Prophetic

When I went to get my driver's license renewed, our local motor-vehicle bureau was packed. The line inched along for almost an hour until the man ahead of me finally got his license. He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk, "I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture." The clerk looked at his picture closely. "It's OK," he reassured the man. "That's how you're going to look when the cops pull you over anyway."

Compulsive Worrier

Jack had been a compulsive worrier for years, to the point it was ruining his life. He saw a psychologist who recommended a specialist who could help him.  His friend, Bob, noticed a dramatic change and asked "What happened? Nothing seems to worry you anymore."  "I hired a professional worrier and I haven't had a worry since," replied Jack.  "That must be expensive," Bob replied.  "He charges $5,000 a month," Jack told him.  "$5,000!!? How can you afford to pay him?" exclaimed Bob.  "Hmmm, I don't know. That's his problem."

The Professional Worrier

Jack had been a compulsive worrier for years, to the point it was ruining his life. He saw a psychologist who recommended a specialist who could help him. His friend, Bob, noticed a dramatic change and asked, "What happened? Nothing seems to worry you anymore." "I hired a professional worrier and I haven't had a worry since," replied Jack. "That must be expensive," Bob replied. "Yes, he charges $5,000 a month," Jack told him. "$5,000!!? How can you afford to pay him?" exclaimed Bob. "Hmmm, I don't know. That's his problem."

Pastor

A church secretary takes a call. The caller says, "Is the head hog at the trough there?"  The secretary says, "Please sir, do not refer to our pastor as the 'head hog at the trough.' That is very insulting."  "Oh, I'm very sorry. I meant nothing by that. It's just a local phrase we use in the part of the country I come from. The real reason I called was to donate $50,000 to your building fund."  The secretary says, "Hold on. I see the 'Big Oinker' coming through the door right now."

Today’s Thought

You can distinguish between an alligator and a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or after a while.