Special Delivery
It was 6 p.m., and I was about to leave the coin laundry where I was employed. My boss called me over and asked if I would mind dropping off someone's laundry on my way home. "It's for my cousin," she apologized, "who's eight months pregnant and can't get out much anymore." I cheerfully agreed and, driving to the address, knocked at the door. A little girl, the sister-to-be, answered. "Hi, there," I said with a big smile. "Is your mommy home?" Holding up the white bundle of clothes, I explained, "I have a delivery for her." The child's mouth dropped, and her eyes went wide. "Mom!" she shrieked, "Come quick! It's the stork!"
Changing Priorities
I come from a large family, five sisters and three brothers. My sisters and I were looking through the family photo album one day. Picture after picture, we were all dressed in matching clothes. I asked my mother why she dressed us all alike, right down to the baby. She explained, "When we had just four children, I dressed you alike so we wouldn't lose any of you. Then," she added, looking at the pictures in the album, "when the other five came along, I started dressing you alike so we won't pick up any that don't belong to us."
Child's Faith
The minister's little six-year-old girl had been so naughty during the week that her mother decided to give her the worst kind of punishment. She told her she couldn't go to the Sunday School Picnic on Saturday. When the day came, her mother felt she had been too harsh and changed her mind. When she told the little girl she could go to the picnic, the child's reaction was one of gloom and unhappiness. "What's the matter? I thought you'd be glad to go to the picnic." her mother said. "It's too late!" the little girl said. "I've already prayed for rain."
The Way It's Done
The Smiths just started their Lamaze class and they were given an activity requiring the husband to wear a bag of sand - to give him an idea of what it feels like to be pregnant. The husband stood up and shrugged saying, "This doesn't feel so bad." The instructor then dropped a pen and asked the husband to pick it up. "You want me to pick up the pen as if I were pregnant, just the way my wife would do it?" the husband asked. "Exactly," replied the instructor. To the delight of the other husbands, he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, pick up that pen for me."
Retired People
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?' He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires. So my wife called him an idiot. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote. Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus and the car didn’t belong to us. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.
LOT'S WIFE
The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Jason interrupted, 'My Mommy looked back once while she was driving,' he announced triumphantly, 'and she turned into a telephone pole!'
________________________________
GOOD SAMARITAN
A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan. She asked the class, 'If you saw a person lying on the roadside, wounded and bleeding, what would you do?' A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, 'I think I'd throw up.'
________________________________
DID NOAH FISH?
A Sunday school teacher asked, 'Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark?' 'No,' replied Johnny. 'How could he, with just two worms?'
________________________________
HIGHER POWER
A Sunday school teacher said to her children, 'We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times, but there is a Higher Power. Can anybody tell me what it is?' One child blurted out, 'Aces!'
________________________________
MOSES AND THE RED SEA
Nine-year-old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday School. 'Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his army build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then he radioed headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved.'
'Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?' his mother asked. 'Well, no, Mom. But, if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!'
________________________________
THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD
A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible - Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the chapter. Little Rick was excited about the task--but he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line.
On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of
the congregation, Ricky was so nervous. When it was his turn, he
stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, 'The Lord is my
Shepherd, and that's all I need to know.'
+++++
“Indecision may or may not be my problem." – Jimmy Buffett
Friday, October 30, 2009
Friday, October 16, 2009
Friday's Funnies
Ooooo...
The first time James met his wife, she was an intense aerobics instructor at his health club and he was an out-of-shape new member. After one grueling workout, he gasped, "This is really helping me get toned." She looked him up and down. Feeling self-conscious, he added, "Big men run in my family." She raised an eyebrow. "Apparently not enough."
The Wedding Dress
When my sister Andrea got married, she asked to wear mother's wedding dress. The day she tried it on for the first time I was sitting with Mother in the living room as Andrea descended the stairs. The gown was a perfect fit on her petite frame. Mother's eyes welled with tears. I put my arm around her. "You're not losing a daughter," I reminded her in time-honored fashion. "You're gaining a son." "Oh, forget about that!" she said with a sob. "I used to fit into that dress!"
Time For A Change
When I go to a local discount store to get oil and filters for my car, I buy my wife a bouquet of flowers on display near the checkout counter. During one trip, some women in line behind me were oohing and aahing about a husband getting flowers for his wife. "How often do you do that?" one asked. Before I could answer, the cashier, more than familiar with my routine, said, "Every three months or 3,000 miles, whichever comes first…"
That's It!
I just read an article on the dangers of eating too much fat and it scared me. So I told myself, "That's it!" After today, no more reading.
Memories
Curious when I found two black-and-white negatives in a drawer, I had them made into prints. I was pleasantly surprised to see that they were of a younger, slimmer me, taken on one of my first dates with my husband. When I showed him the photos, his face lit up. "Wow, look at that!" he said with appreciation. "It's my old Plymouth!"
A Real Person
Manning the computer help desk for the local school district was my first job. And though I was just an intern, I took the job very seriously. But not every caller took me seriously. "Can I talk to a real person?" a caller asked. "I am real," I said. "Oh, I'm sorry," the caller said. "That was rude of me. What I meant to say was, could I talk to someone who actually knows something?"
Wake Up Call
Two mothers are having a conversation about their children. "How do you get your Marvin up so early on school mornings?" asks Joan. "Oh, that's easy," replies Marianne. "I just throw the cat on his bed." "But why does that wake him up?" "Because he sleeps with the dog!"
(Insert Groan At End)
A man wanted an Easter pet for his daughter. He looked at a baby chick and a baby duck. They were both very cute, but he decided to buy the baby chick. Why? Well, the baby chick was a little cheeper!
Politically Correct Statements For The 21st Century
· Your bedroom isn't cluttered, it's just "passage restrictive."
· Kids don't get grounded anymore. They merely hit "social speed bumps."
· You're not late, you just have a "rescheduled arrival time."
· You're not having a bad hair day, you're suffering from "rebellious follicle syndrome."
· No one's tall anymore. He's "vertically enhanced."
· You're not shy. You're "conversationally selective."
· You don't talk a lot. You're just "abundantly verbal."
· It's not called gossip anymore. It's "the speedy transmission of near-factual information."
And For Students...
· The food at the school cafeteria isn't awful. It's "digestively challenged."
· No one fails a class anymore, he's merely "passing impaired."
· You don't have detention, you're just one of the "exit delayed."
· These days, a student isn't lazy. He's "energetically declined."
· Your locker isn't overflowing with junk, it's just "closure prohibitive."
· Your homework isn't missing, its just having an "out-of-notebook experience."
· You're not sleeping in class, you're "rationing consciousness."
· You don't have smelly gym socks, you have "odor-retentive athletic footwear."
· You weren't passing notes in class. You were "participating in the discreet exchange of penned meditations."
· You're not being sent to the principal's office. You're "going on a mandatory field trip to the administrative building."
Philadelphia Speeders
An officer stopped Jon doing 80 mph. When he asked the driver whether he had seen the speed-limit signs, Jon responded, "I went by them so fast I probably missed them."
A man going south on I-95 was stopped near Washington Avenue doing 79 mph. "My engine misses, and I'm trying to clean out the carburetor," he told the officer. For good measure, he added, "If I don't go this fast, my car won't go at all."
"I'm due in traffic court," one speeder said. "If I'm late they're going to enforce the bench warrant."
When an officer told a speeder that the speed limit on the Schuylkill Expressway was 50 mph, the driver responded, "Officer, where have you been? It's 65 now."
An elderly person was stopped after doing 73 mph. When told he was getting a ticket, he asked the officer, "Is there a senior citizen's discount?"
The Call
A pastor had received a call from another church to become its minister. The pastor's twelve-year-old son was talking with a neighbor. "Dad's upstairs praying about it, but Mother's downstairs packing."
The first time James met his wife, she was an intense aerobics instructor at his health club and he was an out-of-shape new member. After one grueling workout, he gasped, "This is really helping me get toned." She looked him up and down. Feeling self-conscious, he added, "Big men run in my family." She raised an eyebrow. "Apparently not enough."
The Wedding Dress
When my sister Andrea got married, she asked to wear mother's wedding dress. The day she tried it on for the first time I was sitting with Mother in the living room as Andrea descended the stairs. The gown was a perfect fit on her petite frame. Mother's eyes welled with tears. I put my arm around her. "You're not losing a daughter," I reminded her in time-honored fashion. "You're gaining a son." "Oh, forget about that!" she said with a sob. "I used to fit into that dress!"
Time For A Change
When I go to a local discount store to get oil and filters for my car, I buy my wife a bouquet of flowers on display near the checkout counter. During one trip, some women in line behind me were oohing and aahing about a husband getting flowers for his wife. "How often do you do that?" one asked. Before I could answer, the cashier, more than familiar with my routine, said, "Every three months or 3,000 miles, whichever comes first…"
That's It!
I just read an article on the dangers of eating too much fat and it scared me. So I told myself, "That's it!" After today, no more reading.
Memories
Curious when I found two black-and-white negatives in a drawer, I had them made into prints. I was pleasantly surprised to see that they were of a younger, slimmer me, taken on one of my first dates with my husband. When I showed him the photos, his face lit up. "Wow, look at that!" he said with appreciation. "It's my old Plymouth!"
A Real Person
Manning the computer help desk for the local school district was my first job. And though I was just an intern, I took the job very seriously. But not every caller took me seriously. "Can I talk to a real person?" a caller asked. "I am real," I said. "Oh, I'm sorry," the caller said. "That was rude of me. What I meant to say was, could I talk to someone who actually knows something?"
Wake Up Call
Two mothers are having a conversation about their children. "How do you get your Marvin up so early on school mornings?" asks Joan. "Oh, that's easy," replies Marianne. "I just throw the cat on his bed." "But why does that wake him up?" "Because he sleeps with the dog!"
(Insert Groan At End)
A man wanted an Easter pet for his daughter. He looked at a baby chick and a baby duck. They were both very cute, but he decided to buy the baby chick. Why? Well, the baby chick was a little cheeper!
Politically Correct Statements For The 21st Century
· Your bedroom isn't cluttered, it's just "passage restrictive."
· Kids don't get grounded anymore. They merely hit "social speed bumps."
· You're not late, you just have a "rescheduled arrival time."
· You're not having a bad hair day, you're suffering from "rebellious follicle syndrome."
· No one's tall anymore. He's "vertically enhanced."
· You're not shy. You're "conversationally selective."
· You don't talk a lot. You're just "abundantly verbal."
· It's not called gossip anymore. It's "the speedy transmission of near-factual information."
And For Students...
· The food at the school cafeteria isn't awful. It's "digestively challenged."
· No one fails a class anymore, he's merely "passing impaired."
· You don't have detention, you're just one of the "exit delayed."
· These days, a student isn't lazy. He's "energetically declined."
· Your locker isn't overflowing with junk, it's just "closure prohibitive."
· Your homework isn't missing, its just having an "out-of-notebook experience."
· You're not sleeping in class, you're "rationing consciousness."
· You don't have smelly gym socks, you have "odor-retentive athletic footwear."
· You weren't passing notes in class. You were "participating in the discreet exchange of penned meditations."
· You're not being sent to the principal's office. You're "going on a mandatory field trip to the administrative building."
Philadelphia Speeders
An officer stopped Jon doing 80 mph. When he asked the driver whether he had seen the speed-limit signs, Jon responded, "I went by them so fast I probably missed them."
A man going south on I-95 was stopped near Washington Avenue doing 79 mph. "My engine misses, and I'm trying to clean out the carburetor," he told the officer. For good measure, he added, "If I don't go this fast, my car won't go at all."
"I'm due in traffic court," one speeder said. "If I'm late they're going to enforce the bench warrant."
When an officer told a speeder that the speed limit on the Schuylkill Expressway was 50 mph, the driver responded, "Officer, where have you been? It's 65 now."
An elderly person was stopped after doing 73 mph. When told he was getting a ticket, he asked the officer, "Is there a senior citizen's discount?"
The Call
A pastor had received a call from another church to become its minister. The pastor's twelve-year-old son was talking with a neighbor. "Dad's upstairs praying about it, but Mother's downstairs packing."
Friday, October 9, 2009
Friday's Funnies
Education
"So, how are you getting along with your gorgeous new girlfriend?" "Not so good. I asked her whether she could learn to love me." "Yeah -- and?" "She asked how much I was willing to spend on her education."
Granny
The little boy came home from his first day at Sunday School. He told his mother that his Sunday school teacher was Jesus' granny. "How did you reach that conclusion?" his mother asked. "Well, she never stops talking about Jesus," he replied.
The Timely Burglar
The detective was interviewing Mr. Cassel, whose clothing shop had just been burglarized. "It's bad," said the proprietor, "but it's not as bad as it could have been if he'd robbed me yesterday." "Why is that?" the puzzled detective asked. "Because today everything was on sale."
The Plan
An American attorney had just finished a guest lecture at a law school in Italy when an Italian lawyer approached him and asked, "Is it true that a person can fall down on a sidewalk in your county and then sue the landowners for lots of money?" Told that it was true, the lawyer turned to his partner and started speaking rapidly in Italian. When they stopped, the American attorney asked if they wanted to go to America to practice law. "No, no," one replied. "We want to go to America and fall down on sidewalks."
Confucius Say:
Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
Person who deletes this has no humor!
WHAT PETS WRITE IN THEIR DIARIES
Excerpts from a Dog's Diary......
8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk Bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!
Excerpts from a Cat's Daily Diary...
Day 983 of my captivity...
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets.
Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.
The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.
Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am.
There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.
Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.
I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.
The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now................
Cough Retardant
The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. The owner asks the clerk "What's with that guy over there by the wall?" The clerk replies, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative." The owner screams, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with a bottle of laxatives!" The clerk calmly replies, "Of course you can! Look at him; he's afraid to cough!"
"So, how are you getting along with your gorgeous new girlfriend?" "Not so good. I asked her whether she could learn to love me." "Yeah -- and?" "She asked how much I was willing to spend on her education."
Granny
The little boy came home from his first day at Sunday School. He told his mother that his Sunday school teacher was Jesus' granny. "How did you reach that conclusion?" his mother asked. "Well, she never stops talking about Jesus," he replied.
The Timely Burglar
The detective was interviewing Mr. Cassel, whose clothing shop had just been burglarized. "It's bad," said the proprietor, "but it's not as bad as it could have been if he'd robbed me yesterday." "Why is that?" the puzzled detective asked. "Because today everything was on sale."
The Plan
An American attorney had just finished a guest lecture at a law school in Italy when an Italian lawyer approached him and asked, "Is it true that a person can fall down on a sidewalk in your county and then sue the landowners for lots of money?" Told that it was true, the lawyer turned to his partner and started speaking rapidly in Italian. When they stopped, the American attorney asked if they wanted to go to America to practice law. "No, no," one replied. "We want to go to America and fall down on sidewalks."
Confucius Say:
Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
Person who deletes this has no humor!
WHAT PETS WRITE IN THEIR DIARIES
Excerpts from a Dog's Diary......
8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk Bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!
Excerpts from a Cat's Daily Diary...
Day 983 of my captivity...
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets.
Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.
The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.
Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am.
There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.
Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.
I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.
The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now................
Cough Retardant
The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. The owner asks the clerk "What's with that guy over there by the wall?" The clerk replies, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative." The owner screams, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with a bottle of laxatives!" The clerk calmly replies, "Of course you can! Look at him; he's afraid to cough!"
Friday, October 2, 2009
Friday's Funnies
During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password: MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofy
When asked why such a big password, she said that it had to be at least 8 characters long.
New Diet
Breakfast
1 grapefruit
1 slice whole wheat toast
1 cup skim milk
Lunch
1 small portion lean, steamed chicken
1 cup spinach
1 cup herbal tea
1 Hershey's kiss
Afternoon Tea
1 The rest of the Hershey Kisses in the bag
1 tub of Hagen-Daaz ice cream with chocolate chips
Dinner
4 glasses of wine (red or white)
2 loaves garlic bread
1 family size supreme pizza
3 Snickers Bars
Late Night Snack
1 whole Sarah Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from the freezer)
You might be a school employee if...
· You want to slap the next person who says, "Must be nice to work 8 to 3:30 and have summers off."
· It is difficult to name your own child because there's no name you can come up with that doesn't bring high blood pressure as it is uttered.
· You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says, "Boy, the kids sure are mellow today."
· You encourage an obnoxious parent to check into charter schools or home schooling and are willing to donate the U-HAUL boxes should they decided to move out of district.
· You think caffeine should be available in intravenous form.
· You believe the playground should be equipped with a Ritalin salt lick.
· You can't imagine how the ACLU could think that covering your student's chair with Velcro and then requiring uniforms made out of the corresponding Velcro could ever be misunderstood by the public.
· Meeting a child's parent instantly answers this question, "Why is this kid like this?"
· You would choose a tooth filling over a parent conference.
· You know how many days, minutes, and seconds are left in the school year.
Ants
A garden center customer picks up a container of insecticide and asks the salesperson, "Is this good for red ants?" "No," says the salesperson. "It'll kill 'em!"
In Fairness...
The Great Lakes Laboratory employed a licensed boat captain to man its research vessel. Reportedly, the captain couldn't swim. A newcomer, learning of this, approached him about it. "Is it true?" the newcomer asked incredulously. "You, a boat captain, can't swim?" "No, I can't," the captain replied. "Can airline pilots fly?"
Defensive Driving Course
One of my co-workers got a speeding ticket and was attending a defensive-driving course to have points erased from his license. The instructor, a police officer, emphasized that being on time was crucial and that the classroom doors would be locked when each session began. Just after one class started, someone knocked on the locked door. The officer opened it and asked, "Why are you late?" The student replied, "I was trying not to get another ticket." The officer let him in.
Looking Ahead
The young man ahead of my father at the flower shop was taking an unusually long time to place his order. When the clerk asked how she could help, he explained that his girlfriend was turning 19 and he couldn't decide whether to give her a dozen roses or 19 roses — one for each year of her life. The woman put aside her business judgment and advised, "She may be your 19-year-old girlfriend now, but someday she could be your 50-year-old wife." The young man bought a dozen roses.
Tact
A sales clerk asked his boss how to handle people who complained about the current prices compared to the low prices in the good old days. "Just act surprised and tell them you didn't think that they were old enough to remember them."
Why Dogs Can’t Use Computers
1. He's distracted by cats chasing his mouse.
2. SIT and STAY were hard enough; CUT and PASTE are out of the question.
3. Saliva-coated floppy disks refuse to work.
4. Three words: carpal paw syndrome.
5. Involuntary tail wagging is a dead give-away that he's browsing www.purina.com instead of working.
6. The fire hydrant icon is simply too frustrating.
7. He can't help attacking the screen when he hears “You've Got Mail”.
8. It's too messy to “mark” every Web site he visits.
9. The FETCH command isn't available on all platforms.
10. He can't stick his head out of Windows.
When asked why such a big password, she said that it had to be at least 8 characters long.
New Diet
Breakfast
1 grapefruit
1 slice whole wheat toast
1 cup skim milk
Lunch
1 small portion lean, steamed chicken
1 cup spinach
1 cup herbal tea
1 Hershey's kiss
Afternoon Tea
1 The rest of the Hershey Kisses in the bag
1 tub of Hagen-Daaz ice cream with chocolate chips
Dinner
4 glasses of wine (red or white)
2 loaves garlic bread
1 family size supreme pizza
3 Snickers Bars
Late Night Snack
1 whole Sarah Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from the freezer)
You might be a school employee if...
· You want to slap the next person who says, "Must be nice to work 8 to 3:30 and have summers off."
· It is difficult to name your own child because there's no name you can come up with that doesn't bring high blood pressure as it is uttered.
· You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says, "Boy, the kids sure are mellow today."
· You encourage an obnoxious parent to check into charter schools or home schooling and are willing to donate the U-HAUL boxes should they decided to move out of district.
· You think caffeine should be available in intravenous form.
· You believe the playground should be equipped with a Ritalin salt lick.
· You can't imagine how the ACLU could think that covering your student's chair with Velcro and then requiring uniforms made out of the corresponding Velcro could ever be misunderstood by the public.
· Meeting a child's parent instantly answers this question, "Why is this kid like this?"
· You would choose a tooth filling over a parent conference.
· You know how many days, minutes, and seconds are left in the school year.
Ants
A garden center customer picks up a container of insecticide and asks the salesperson, "Is this good for red ants?" "No," says the salesperson. "It'll kill 'em!"
In Fairness...
The Great Lakes Laboratory employed a licensed boat captain to man its research vessel. Reportedly, the captain couldn't swim. A newcomer, learning of this, approached him about it. "Is it true?" the newcomer asked incredulously. "You, a boat captain, can't swim?" "No, I can't," the captain replied. "Can airline pilots fly?"
Defensive Driving Course
One of my co-workers got a speeding ticket and was attending a defensive-driving course to have points erased from his license. The instructor, a police officer, emphasized that being on time was crucial and that the classroom doors would be locked when each session began. Just after one class started, someone knocked on the locked door. The officer opened it and asked, "Why are you late?" The student replied, "I was trying not to get another ticket." The officer let him in.
Looking Ahead
The young man ahead of my father at the flower shop was taking an unusually long time to place his order. When the clerk asked how she could help, he explained that his girlfriend was turning 19 and he couldn't decide whether to give her a dozen roses or 19 roses — one for each year of her life. The woman put aside her business judgment and advised, "She may be your 19-year-old girlfriend now, but someday she could be your 50-year-old wife." The young man bought a dozen roses.
Tact
A sales clerk asked his boss how to handle people who complained about the current prices compared to the low prices in the good old days. "Just act surprised and tell them you didn't think that they were old enough to remember them."
Why Dogs Can’t Use Computers
1. He's distracted by cats chasing his mouse.
2. SIT and STAY were hard enough; CUT and PASTE are out of the question.
3. Saliva-coated floppy disks refuse to work.
4. Three words: carpal paw syndrome.
5. Involuntary tail wagging is a dead give-away that he's browsing www.purina.com instead of working.
6. The fire hydrant icon is simply too frustrating.
7. He can't help attacking the screen when he hears “You've Got Mail”.
8. It's too messy to “mark” every Web site he visits.
9. The FETCH command isn't available on all platforms.
10. He can't stick his head out of Windows.
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