Reassurance
"I'm so worried," the nervous patient said as the nurse plumped up his pillows. "Last week, I read about a man who was in the hospital because of heart trouble, and he died of malaria." "Relax," the nurse said smiling. "This is a first-rate hospital. When we treat someone for heart trouble, he dies of heart trouble."
"I'm so worried," the nervous patient said as the nurse plumped up his pillows. "Last week, I read about a man who was in the hospital because of heart trouble, and he died of malaria." "Relax," the nurse said smiling. "This is a first-rate hospital. When we treat someone for heart trouble, he dies of heart trouble."
Cleaning day
Saturday had always been “cleaning day” in at our house, and my
mother still adhered to the ritual even after all her children had left the
nest. When I stopped by to visit her one Saturday, I was surprised to find her
relaxing in a favorite chair. “Aren’t you feeling well?” I asked.
“I feel fine.” “But you’re not cleaning.” “After all these years
I’ve finally figured out how to get it done in half the time,” Mom told me. “I
simply take off my glasses.”
Great writer
I met an old University friend the other day, who in his youth had
professed his desire to become a great writer. When I asked him to define
‘great’, he had said: “I want to write stuff that people will react to on a
truly emotional level; stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and
anger!” Just discovered he’s now working for Microsoft… writing error
messages.
Lexiphiles
(i.e., "lovers of words")
To write
with a broken pencil is . . . Pointless.
When fish
are in schools they sometimes . . . Take debate.
A thief who
stole a calendar . . . Got twelve months.
When the
smog lifts in Los Angeles . . . U.C.L.A.
The
professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes . . . Was on shaky ground.
The
batteries were given out . . . Free of charge.
A dentist
and a manicurist married . . . They fought tooth and nail.
A will is a
. . . Dead giveaway.
With her
marriage, she got a new name . . . And a dress.
Show me a
piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you . . . A-flat miner.
You are
stuck with your debt if . . . You can't budge it.
Local Area
Network in Australia: . . . The LAN down under.
A boiled egg
is . . . Hard to beat.
When you've
seen one shopping center . . . You've seen a mall.
Police were
called to a daycare where a three-year-old was . . . Resisting a rest.
Did you hear
about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? . . . He's all right now.
If you take
a laptop computer for a run you could . . . Jog your memory.
A bicycle
can't stand alone . . . It is two tired.
In a
democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism . . . it's your count that
votes.
When a clock
is hungry . . . It goes back four seconds.
The guy who
fell onto an upholstery machine . . . Was fully recovered.
He had a
photographic memory . . . Which was never developed.
When she saw
her first strands of gray hair . . . She thought she'd dye.
Acupuncture:
. . . A jab well done.
Family problems
Two men met recently and struck up a
conversation. One was telling the other about some problems he was having with
one of his kids.
After a while the other guy said, "You
think you have family problems? Get a load of my situation. A few years ago I
met a young widow with a grown-up daughter and we got married. Later, my father
married my stepdaughter. That made my stepdaughter my stepmother and my father
became my stepson.
"Also, my wife became mother-in-law of
her father-in-law. Then the daughter of my wife, my stepmother, had a son. This
boy was my half-brother because he was my father's son, but he was also the son
of my wife's daughter, which made him my wife's grandson. That made me grandfather
of my half-brother.
"This was nothing until my wife and I had
a son. Now the sister of my son, my mother-in-law, is also the grandmother.
This makes my father the brother-in-law of my child, whose stepsister is my
father's wife.
"I am my stepmother's brother-in-law, my
wife is her own child's aunt, my son is my father's nephew and I am my own
grandfather. Wow! You think you have family problems."
Today’s Thought
People are so worried about what they eat between Christmas and
the New Year, but they really should be worried about what they eat between the
New Year and Christmas.
