Friday's Funnies

 Names

 

If the person who named Walkie Talkies named everything:

Stamps = Lickie Stickie

Defibrillators = Hearty Starty

Bumble bees = Fuzzy Buzzy

Pregnancy test = Maybe Baby

Fork= Stabby Grabby

Socks = Feetie Heatie

Hippo = Floatie Bloatie

Nightmare = Screamy Dreamy

 

Murphy's Technology Laws

 

·         Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.

·         All's well that ends.

·         A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours are lost.

·         New systems generate new problems.

·         The faster a computer is, the faster it will spew out garbage.

·         The primary function of the design engineer is to make things difficult for the fabricator and impossible for the serviceman.

·         To spot the expert, pick the one who predicts the job will take the longest and cost the most.

·         After all is said and done, a lot more is said than done.

·         Work smarder and not harder and be careful of yor speling.

·         If it's not in the computer, it doesn't exist.

·         Any simple theory will be worded in the most complicated way.

·         Any attempt to print Murphy's laws will jam the printer.

 

Construction Site Wits

 

A strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of Morris, one of the older workmen. After several minutes, Morris had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?" he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back." "You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "It's a bet! Let's see what you got." Morris reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."

 

Old Family Bible

 

A little boy found the old family Bible and started thumbing through the pages. As he was turning the yellowed pages, a pressed tree leaf fell out.  He exclaimed, "Hey, this must be where Adam and Eve left their clothes!"

Misinterpretations

 

~ My son, who is in nursery school, said, "Our Father, who art in Heaven, how didja know my name?"

 

~ When my twin daughters were young, I taught them to say the Lord's Prayer before going to bed.  As I listened outside their door, I could hear them say, "Give us this steak and daily bread, and forgive us our mattresses."

 

~ I remember thinking it said "Give us this day our jelly bread."

 

~ I recall reading something years ago about the Pledge of Allegiance. Some child thought it began, "I led the pigeons to the flag."

 

~ When I was little, I often wondered who Richard Stands was. You know: "I pledge allegiance to the flag. And to the republic for Richard Stands."

 

~ When my husband was 6 years old, he thought a certain Prayer was "He suffered under a bunch of violets." The real words were "under Pontius Pilate," but at that age, he didn't know better. To this day, we still snicker in church whenever that prayer is read.

 

~ When my older brother was very young, he always walked up to the church altar with my mother when she took communion.  On one occasion, he tugged at her arm and asked, "What does the priest say when he gives you the bread?" Mom whispered something in his ear.  Imagine his shock many years later when he learned that the priest doesn't say, "Be quiet until you get to your seat."

 

~ When I was younger, I believed the line was "Lead a snot into temptation." I thought I was praying for my little sister to get into trouble.

 

Oklahoma State Trooper

 

An Oklahoma State trooper pulled a car over on I-44 about 10 miles east of Oklahoma City. When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Tulsa Oklahoma to do a show for the Shrine Circus. He didn't want to be late. The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him. While the man was juggling, a pickup pulled in behind the State Troopers car. A good old farm boy got out, watched the performance, then went over to the Trooper's car, opened the rear door and got in. The trooper observed him and went over to the State car, opened the door asking the man what he thought he was doing. The man replied, “I ain’t been drinkin’, but you might as well take me to jail, ‘cause, even sober, there ain't no way I can pass that test.”

 

Dad Joke

 

Sleeping comes so naturally to me, I could do it with my eyes closed.

 

Today’s Thought

 

That moment when your steak is on the grill, and you can already feel your mouth watering. Do vegans feel the same way when mowing the lawn?

Friday's Funnies

 Stranded

 

A man was stranded on the proverbial deserted Pacific Island for years. Finally, one day a boat comes sailing into view, and the man frantically waves and draws the skipper's attention. The boat comes near the island and the sailor gets out and greets the stranded man.  After a while the sailor asks, "What are those three huts you have here?" "Well, that's my house there." "What's that next hut?" asks the sailor. "I built that hut to be my church." "What about the other hut?" "Oh, that's where I used to go to church."

The Dim Defendant

The judge read the charges, then asked, "Are you the defendant in this case?" "No sir, your honor, sir," replied Bob, "I've got a lawyer to do the defendin'. I'm the guy who done it."

Explains A Lot

Caller:  "There's something wrong with my password. Whenever I type it, it just shows stars."
Help Desk:  "Those asterisks are to protect you. If someone is standing behind you, they can't read your password."
Caller:  "Yeah, but they show up even when there is no one standing behind me."

Briefs

 

This is the first year I'm not going to Fiji because of COVID-19. I usually don't go because I'm poor.

A sure way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

Remember: Stressed spelled backwards is desserts.

 

The Campers

Two city boys were on their first camping trip. The mosquitoes were so fierce the boys had to hide under their blankets to keep from being devoured. When they saw some lightning bugs, one boy said to the other: "We might as well give up, they're coming at us with flashlights!"

The Piano Tuner

I was servicing a customer's piano and their 2-1/2 year old son stood there for a while watching. Then he asked me, "What are you going to be when you grow up?" Made my day!

Visitation

 

A pastor goes to a nursing home for the first time to visit an elderly parishioner. As he is sitting there, he notices a bowl of peanuts beside her bed and takes one. As they continue their conversation, he can't help himself and eats one after another. By the time they are through visiting, the bowl is empty. He says, "Mrs. Jones, I'm so sorry, but I seem to have eaten all of your peanuts." "That's okay," she says. "They would have just sat there anyway. Without my teeth, all I can do is suck the chocolate off and put them back in the bowl."

 

Fixed!

An auto mechanic received a repair order: "Check for clunking sound when going around corners." Taking the car out for a test drive, he made a right turn and heard a 'clunk.' He then made a left turn and again heard a 'clunk.' Back at the shop he soon discovered the problem. He returned the repair order to the service manager with the notation: "Removed bowling ball from trunk."

Flashback

The passenger tapped the Uber driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the sidewalk, and stopped inches from a shop window. For a second everything went quiet in the car, then the driver said, "Look mister, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologized and said he didn't realize that a little tap could scare him so much. The driver replied, "You're right. I'm sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as an Uber driver. I've been driving a hearse for the last 15 years."

Where Is He Now?

I had trouble with the idea of turning 30 and was oversensitive to any signs of advancing age. When I found a prominent gray hair in my bangs, I pointed to my forehead and asked my husband, "Oh no, have you seen this?" "What?" he asked. "The wrinkles?"

 

Complicated Breakfast Order

 

A resident in a posh hotel breakfast room called over the head waiter one morning and said with a wonderful and cheerful smile. "Good morning, sir. What a wonderful morning I'd like two boiled eggs, one of them so under cooked it's runny, and the other so over cooked it's tough and hard to eat. Also, grilled bacon that has been left out so it gets a bit on the cold side; burnt toast that crumbles away as soon as you touch it with a knife; butter straight from the deep freeze so that it's impossible to spread; and a pot of very weak coffee, lukewarm." "That's a complicated order sir," said the bewildered waiter. "It might be quite difficult." The guest replied, "Oh? I don't understand -- that's what I got yesterday!"

Tea

 

By replacing your morning coffee with green tea, you can lose up to 87% of what little joy you still have left in your life.

 

In For Analysis

A guy tells his psychiatrist, "I always have this weird dream at night. I am locked in a room with a door on which there is a sign. I try to push it with all my strength, but no matter how hard I try, it won't budge." The psychiatrist muses, "Interesting. But tell me, what does the sign on the door say?" The guy replies, "It says, 'Pull.'"

Today’s Though

 

I've changed my mind a dozen times. It seems to work better now.

Friday's Funnies

 Valentine’s Day

 

Johnny asked his friend, Tony, whether he had bought his wife a gift for Valentine's Day. "Yes, I bought her a belt and a bag," replied Tony. "That was very kind of you," Johnny added, "I hope she appreciated the thought." Tony smiled as he replied, "So do I, and hopefully the vacuum cleaner will work better now."

 

He Said It

 

A man stops by his local florist shop to buy flowers for his new girlfriend for Valentine's Day. He asks the proprietor, "You know the expression, 'You should say it with flowers'?"  "How about three dozen of my finest roses?" the florist asks. "Make it a half dozen roses," the man answers. "I'm a man of few words."

 

Parenting

 

A friend asked what parenting toddlers is like. So, I hid her keys, headbutted her in the face, and then told her I love her more than the stars.

 

Aging

 

You know you've grown up when a nap no longer feels like a punishment but a reward.

 

Nothing

 

Kathryn's 5-year-old developed a strong interest in spelling once she learned to spell STOP. After that, she tried to figure out her own words. From the back seat of the car she'd ask, "Mom, what does FGRPL spell?" "Nothing," Kathryn said. Sitting at breakfast she'd suddenly ask, "Mom, what does DOEB spell?" "Nothing," Kathryn answered. This went on for several weeks. Then one afternoon as they sat coloring in her room she asked, "Mom, what does LMDZ spell?" Kathryn smiled at her and said, "Nothing, sweetheart." The 5-year-old carefully set down her crayon, sighed and said, "Boy, there sure are a lot of ways to spell Nothing!"

30K Words

 

He: "This article says women use about 30,000 words a day, whereas men only use 15,000 words."
She: "That's probably because a woman has to say everything twice."
He: "What?"

Making a Will

 

A man went to his lawyer and said, "I would like to make a will but I don't know exactly how to go about it." The lawyer says, "Don't worry. Leave it all to me." The man, looking somewhat upset said, "Well I knew you were going to take the biggest slice, but I'd like to leave a little to my children too!"

City Fisherman

 

A fisherman from the city was out fishing on a lake in a small boat. He noticed another man in a small boat open his tackle box and take out a mirror. Being curious the man rowed over and asked, "What is the mirror for?" "That's my secret way to catch fish," said the other man. "Shine the mirror on the top of the water. The fish notice the spot of sun on the water above and they swim to the surface. Then I just reach down and net them and pull them into the boat." "Wow! Does that really work?" "You bet it does." "Would you be interested in selling that mirror? I'll give you $30 for it." "Well, okay." After the money was transferred, the city fisherman asked, "By the way, how many fish have you caught this week?" "You're the sixth," he said.

 

Pulled Over

 

"Hey you! Pull over!" shouted the traffic cop. The lady complied, and the judge next day fined her twenty-five dollars. She went home in great anxiety lest her husband, who always examined her checkbook, should learn of the incident. Then inspiration struck and she marked the check stub, "One pullover, $25."

 

Christian One-Liners

 

1. Some people are kind, polite, and sweet-spirited-until you try to sit in their pews.
2. Many folks want to serve God, but only as advisers.
3. The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but mosquitoes come close.
4. People are funny, they want the front of the bus, the middle of the road, and the back of the church.
5. Opportunity may knock once, but temptation bangs on your front door forever.
6. Quit griping about your church; if it was perfect, you couldn't belong.
7. The phrase that is guaranteed to wake up an audience: "And in conclusion."
8. To make a long story short, don't tell it.
9. Some minds are like concrete, thoroughly mixed up and permanently set.
10. I don't know why some people change churches; what difference does it make which one you stay home from?

Quarantine

 

Wife: Did I get fat during quarantine?

Husband: You weren’t really skinny to begin with!

Time of death: 11:00 pm

Cause: COVID

 

Dad Joke

 

You can distinguish between an alligator and a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or after a while.

 

Today’s Thought

 

Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar. That can't just be a coincidence.

Friday's Funnies

 Overweight

 

When my wife caught me standing on the bathroom scales, sucking in my stomach, she laughed, "Ha! That's not going to help!" I replied, "Sure, it does. It's the only way I can see the numbers."

 

Neighbors

 

While a woman was out of town, a neighbor came to borrow a fancy pie pan.  Of course the woman's husband was happy to lend it to her. The pie pan was returned a few days later filled with an apple pie.  When the woman asked her husband where the pie came from, he told her about the loan and explained: "Our neighbor said she never returns something without filling it up." "Good!" the woman replied. "You should let her borrow our checkbook."

 

Financial Planning

 

Just went over my bank account and figured out I can live comfortably if I quit my job, without working the rest of my life, as long as I die on Friday.

 

Chinese New Year Dinner

 

Our Chinese New Year dinner included fortune cookies. I had 2 cookies. The message in the first cookie was: "You inspire others with your principles."  And, in case I became too inflated with myself, the second one was: "Improve yourself. Practice makes perfect." Humbled for another year!

 

Hairdresser Second Job

 

Many people hold down two jobs, so I wasn't surprised when my hairdresser mentioned to me that he also worked part-time at the race track. "That's interesting," I said. "What do you do?" As he finished styling my hair, he replied, "I groom horses."

 

Morning Sickness

 

Pregnant with my third child, I was stricken with a bout of morning sickness and lay down on the living-room couch to rest. Just then one of the workmen who was doing repairs in my house walked by and gave me a curious look.  "Taking a little break," I explained. "I'm in my first trimester."  "Really?" he said. "What's your major?"

Parental Excuses

 

These are actual excuse notes from parents excusing their children from missing school (includes original spelling):

 

~ My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.

~ Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

~ Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.

~ Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

~ John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

~ Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.

~ Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.

~ Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

~ Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

~ Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.

~ Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

~ I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.

~ Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.

~ Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.

~ Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.

 

Preacher

 

The Baptist preacher just finished his sermon for the day and proceeded toward the back of the church for his usual greetings and handshaking as the congregation left the church. After shaking a few adult hands he came upon the seven year old son of one of the Deacons of the church. "Good morning, Jonathan," the preacher said as he reached out to shake Jonathan's hand. As he was doing so he felt something in the palm of Jonathan's hand. "What's this?" the preacher asked. "Money," said Jonathan with a big smile on his face, "It's for you!" "I don't want to take your money, Jonathan," the preacher answered. "I want you to have it," said Jonathan. After a short pause Jonathan continued, "My daddy says you're the poorest preacher we ever had and I want to help you."

 

Exam

 

A high school student stared thoughtfully at the second question on his exam, which read, "State the number of tons of coal shipped out of America in any given year." Suddenly, his brow cleared, and he wrote, "1492: None."

 

Moral Lesson

 

A mother wanted to teach her daughter a moral lesson. She gave the girl a quarter and a dollar for church. "Put whichever one you want in the collection plate and keep the other for yourself," she told the girl. Sunday, when they were coming out of the church, the mother asked her daughter which amount she had given. "Well," said the little girl, "I was going to give the dollar, but just before the collection the preacher said that God loves a cheerful giver. I knew I'd be a lot more cheerful if I gave the quarter, so that's what I did."

 

Dad Joke

 

Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the

other: "You stay here; I'll go on a head."

 

Today’s Thought

 

A co-worker asked me, “Could you be any more annoying?” So, the next day I wore tap shoes to work.