Friday's Funnies

Ancestry

The following was overheard at a recent "high society" party.  "My ancestry goes back all the way to Alexander the Great," said Christine.  She then turned to Miriam and asked, "How far back does your family go?"  "I don't know," replied Miriam, "All of our records were lost in the flood."

Signs Of Life

- English sign in German cafe: "Mothers, Please Wash Your Hans Before Eating"

- On a scientist's door: "Gone Fission"

- Outside a hotel: "Help! We need inn-experienced people"

- On a music teacher's door: "Out Chopin"

- On the door of a music library: "Bach in a minuet"

- At a farmer's field: "The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges"

- In a podiatrist's window: "Time wounds all heels"

- On a front door: "Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog"

- Non-smoking area: "If we see you smoking, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action"

- On maternity room door: "Push, Push, Push"

- Sign on fence: "Salesmen welcome - dog food is expensive"

- Muffler shop: "No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming."

- Veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

- Optometrist's office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place"

Doctor

I went to the doctor the other day.  She told me that I needed to get some exercise. So I went to McDonald's.  My wife wanted to know why I went there.  I told her the doctor told me to get some extra fries.  She made me an appointment with a hearing doctor.

The Zoo?

Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for days.  Finally, his mother talked his reluctant father into taking him.  Little Johnny thought to himself that there was quite a large number of horses at this zoo.  He wondered where all the other animals were, but was still happy to see the horses.

"So how was it?" his mother asked when they returned home.

"Great," Little Johnny replied.

"Did you and your father have a good time?" asked his mother.

"Yeah, Daddy especially liked it," exclaimed Little Johnny excitedly, especially when one of the animals came home at 30 to 1!"

Bible Jokes

Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he married?

A. Ruth-less.

Q. What do they call pastors in Germany?

A. German Shepherds.

Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?

A. Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.

Q. What was the greatest female financier in the Bible?

A. Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.

Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?

A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury. David's Triumph was heard throughout the land. Honda, because the apostles were all in one Accord.

Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?

A. Samson. He brought the house down.

Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?

A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.

Q. Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?

A. Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.

Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?

A. The area around Jordan. The banks were always overflowing.

Q. Who is the greatest baby sitter mentioned in the Bible?

A. David. He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep.

Q. Which Bible character had no parents?

A. Joshua, son of Nun.

Expiration Date

If poison expires, is it more poisonous or is it no longer poisonous?

Thoughts To Ponder

·        They make bullet proof vests, why not bullet-proof pants?

·        Is there any difference between partly cloudy and partly sunny?

·        How does one know when their bagpipes need tuning?

·        Allstate Insurance has a disclaimer that reads: not available in all states. What?

·        Is it really possible to change the direction of a bowling ball by waving your hands?

·        There's senior citizens, so why aren't there junior citizens?

·        They say laughter is the best medicine - so who came up with the phrase, "I died laughing"?

Today’s Though

100 years ago, everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars. Today everyone has cars and only the rich own horses.

Friday's Funnies

Valentine’s Day

What do farmers give their wives on Valentine's Day?

A hog and kisses!

What did the Valentines card say to the stamp?

Stick with me and we'll go places!

Do skunks celebrate Valentine's Day?

Sure, they're very scent-imental!

What did the paper clip say to the magnet?

"I find you very attractive."

What did the French chef give his wife for Valentine's Day?

A hug and a quiche!

What did one pickle say to the other?

"You mean a great dill to me."

What did the elephant say to his girlfriend?

"I love you a ton!"

What did the bat say to his girlfriend?

"You're fun to hang around with."

What did the pencil say to the paper?

"I dot my i's on you!"

What did one light bulb say to the other?

"I love you a whole watt!"

What does a man who loves his car do on February 14?

He gives it a valenshine!

What did the man with the broken leg say to his nurse?

"I've got a crutch on you!"

Did you hear about the romance in the tropical fish tank?

It was a case of guppy love.

What did Frankenstein say to his girlfriend?

"Be my valenstein!"

Extra Nutrition

Child at dinner table: "Are caterpillars good to eat?"
Parent: "No. Why would you ask a question like that?"
Child: "Well, there was one in your salad, but it's gone now."

Appearances

Nurse:   Doctor, doctor! The man you've just treated collapsed on the front step! What should I do?
Doctor:   Turn him around so it looks like he was just arriving!

Led Astray

My friend, her sister and I were driving in the procession to the cemetery for the funeral of a distant relative. "Since we don't really know anybody, do you want to just head on home?" the driver asked. When the sister nodded, she made a right turn. We had gotten about a quarter of a mile down the road when the driver happened to look in the rear-view mirror. The rest of the procession was still following us!

Retirement Q&A

·        Question:  When is a retiree's bedtime?
Answer:  Three hours after he falls asleep in his chair.

·        Question:  What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer:  There is not enough time to get everything done.

·        Question:  Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?
Answer:  The term comes with a 10 percent discount.

·        Question:  Among retirees what is considered formal attire?
Answer:  Tied shoes.

·        Question:  Why do retirees count pennies?
Answer:  They are the only ones who have the time.

·        Question:  Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
Answer:  They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.

·        Question:  What do retirees call a long lunch?
Answer:  Normal.

·        Question:  What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
Answer:  If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.

Dog’s Thoughts

Ever consider what our dogs must think of us?  I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul - chicken, pork, half a cow.  They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!

Late

The mother and father had just given their teenage daughter family-car privileges. On Saturday night she returned home very late from a party.  The next morning her father went out to the driveway to get the newspaper and came back into the house frowning. At 11:30 AM the girl sleepily walked into the kitchen, and her father asked her, "Sweetheart, what time did you get in last night?"  "Not too late, Dad," she replied nervously.  Dead-panned, her father said, "Then, my precious one, I'll have to talk with the paperboy about putting my paper under the front tire of the car."

Today’s Though

I keep hitting the ESC key, but I'm still here.

Friday's Funnies

Gone Missing

The crowded cafeteria sported a large sign reading: "Watch Your Hat and Overcoat." Joe did. He kept turning every minute, almost choking over his food. His pal, Sam, kept on eating, without thought of his own coat on the hook. Finally Sam said, "You, dope...stop watching our overcoats." "I'm only watching mine," replied Joe. "Yours has been gone for over half an hour."

Shorts

"An abstract noun," the teacher said, "is something you can think of, but you can't touch it. Can you give me an example of one?" "Sure," a teenage boy replied. "My father's new car."  

A guy told his friends: "I left my job because of illness and fatigue." Turns out, his boss got sick and tired of him.  

I hate it when people use big words just to make themselves sound perspicacious.

Accident Report

Because I was processing my first accident report at the transport company where I worked, I was being particularly attentive. The driver had hit a deer on the highway, and the result was a severely damaged hood and fender. My serious mood was broken, however, when I reached the section of the report that asked, "Speed of other vehicle?" The driver had put, "Full gallop."

Ingenui-Tea

Have you noticed that children sometimes try to be helpful, but it makes your life more complicated? I heard a story about a mother who was sick with the flu. Her darling daughter wanted to be a good nurse. She fluffed the pillows and brought a magazine for her mother to read. And then she showed up with a cup of tea. "You're such a sweetheart," the mother said as she drank the tea. "I didn't know you could make tea." "Oh, yes," the little girl replied. "I put the tea leaves in the water like you do, and I boiled it, and then I strained it into a cup. But I couldn't find a strainer, so I used the flyswatter." "You what!?" And the little girl said, "Oh, but don't worry, Mom. I didn't use the new flyswatter. I used the old one."

The Practical Solution

A lady noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. Thinking he was trying to weigh less with this maneuver, she commented, "I don't think that's going to help." "Sure it does," he said. "It's the only way I can see the numbers."

Seeking...

Have you noticed? All those instruments that are seeking intelligent life in the universe — telescopes, radio antennas, cameras, detectors — they're all pointed away from Earth.

Just Helping

It had been snowing in Iowa for hours when an announcement came over the University's intercom: "Will the students who are parked on University Drive please move their cars so that we may begin plowing." Twenty minutes later there was another announcement: "Will the twelve hundred students who went to move 26 cars please return to class."

Clueless Dad

The first-time father, beside himself with excitement over the birth of his son, was determined to do everything right. "So, tell me, Nurse," he asked as his new family headed out the hospital door, "what time should we wake the little guy in the morning?"

Too Loud

We were at a red light when a car pulled up, its music blasting. "He'll be deaf before he's 25," I said. "That won't help us," my wife replied. "He'll only turn it up."

Old Soldiers Never

When General Douglas MacArthur retired from the military in 1951, he stated famously, "Old soldiers never die, they just fade away." But five-star generals are not the only ones who never die:

Golfers never die, they just lose their drive.
Lumberjacks never die, they just pine away.
Accountants don't die, they just lose their balance.
Bank managers don't die, they just lose interest.
Vehicle mechanics? They re-tire every day.
Teachers don't retire, they just mark time.
Roofers don't retire, they just wipe the slate clean.
Engineers never retire, they just lose their bearings.
Beekeepers never retire, they just buzz off.
Musicians never retire, they just decompose.
Farmers never retire, they just go to seed.
Watchmakers never retire, they just wind down.
Academics never retire, they just lose their faculties.
Painters never retire, they just put a gloss on it.
Tree surgeons never retire, they just branch out.
Old librarians never die, they just check out, become overdue, and lose their circulation.
Old crossword puzzlers never die, they just go across and -- hopefully -- up.
Old milkmaids never die, they just kick the bucket and lose their whey.
Old plumbers never die, they just get out of sink and go down the drain.
Old math professors never die, they just go off on a tangent.
Old mimes never die, they're just never heard from again.
Old housemaids never die, they just return to dust.

Today’s Thought

Can a person be chalant?

Friday's Funnies

Newspaper Headline Comedy

- Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing

- Steals Clock, Faces Time

- Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni

- Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board

- Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

- Include Your Children When Baking Cookies

Sick Policy

Negotiations between union members and their employer were at an impasse. The union denied that their workers were flagrantly abusing the sick-leave provisions set out by their contract.  One morning at the bargaining table, the company's chief negotiator held aloft the morning edition of the newspaper, "This man," he announced, "called in sick yesterday!"  There on the sports page, was a photo of the supposedly ill employee, who had just won a local golf tournament with an excellent score.

A union negotiator broke the silence in the room.  "Wow!" he said. "Just think of the score he could have had if he wasn't sick!"

Prison Humor

A new prisoner is placed in his cell. Before long it is time for "lights out" and the cellblock becomes dark and nearly silent.  Eventually a voice from the darkness cries out: "Twenty-two!" and everyone breaks out into raucous laughter. A while later another voice calls out "Forty-one!" and again the entire cellblock hoots and roars.  The new prisoner asks the guy in the next cell: "What's going on?"  The guy says: "We've been here so long, we all know each other's jokes.  So we assigned numbers to them, and when we want to tell a joke we just use the number."  The new prisoner calls out "Ninety-eight" and sets off uproarious laughter, much more than the other numbers. So he asks the guy in the next cell why that was.  Through barely-controlled mirth, he replies, "Nobody had heard that one before." 

Ever Wonder

- Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

- Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

- Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

- Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

- Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid

   made with real lemons?

- Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

- Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

- When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

- Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

- Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

- If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

- If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Visual Demonstration

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon. Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

- The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.

- The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.

- The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.

- The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the minister reported the following results:

- The first worm in alcohol - Dead.

- The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead.

- Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead.

- Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.

Just then a little old woman in the back quickly raised her hand and said, "I get it! As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"

If Microsoft operated restaurants

Patron: Waiter!

Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your Support. What seems to be the problem?

Patron: There's a fly in my soup!

Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time. Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl; what kind of bowl are you using?

Patron: A soup bowl!

Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?

Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!

Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?

Everything I Needed To Know About Life I Learned From A Jigsaw Puzzle

1. Don't force a fit - if something is meant to be, it will come together naturally.

2. When things aren't going so well, take a break. Everything will look different when you return.

3. Be sure to look at the big picture. Getting hung up on the little pieces only leads to frustration.

4. Perseverance pays off. Every important puzzle went together bit by bit, piece by piece.

5. When one spot stops working, move to another. But be sure to come back later (see #4).

6. The creator of the puzzle gave you the picture as a guidebook. Refer to the Creator's guidebook often.

7. Variety is the spice of life. It's the different colors and patterns that make the puzzle interesting.

8. Working together with friends and family makes any task fun.

9. Establish the border first. Boundaries give a sense of security and order.

10. Don't be afraid to try different combinations. Some matches are surprising.

11. Take time often to celebrate your successes (even little ones).

12. Anything worth doing takes time and effort. A great puzzle can't be rushed.

13. When you finally reach the last piece, don't be sad. Rejoice in the masterpiece you've made and enjoy a well-deserved rest.

Today’s Thought

I hate it when people use big words just to make themselves sound perspicacious.