This year, taxpayers will receive an Economic Stimulus Payment. This is a very exciting new program that I will explain using the Q and A format:
Q. What is an Economic Stimulus Payment?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.
Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers.
Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only a smidgen.
Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is that you will use the money to purchase a
high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.
Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China?
A. Shut up.
+++++
Leroy goes to the revival and listens to the preacher. After awhile the preacher asks anyone with needs to be prayed over to come forward to the front at the altar.
Leroy gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks: 'Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?'
Leroy replies: 'Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing.'
The preacher puts one finger in Leroy's ear, and he places the other hand on top of Leroy's head and prays and prays and prays. After a few minutes, the preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks, 'Leroy, how is your hearing now?'
'I don't know, Reverend, it ain't until next Wednesday...!
+++++
Recently, I strapped on a step counter and went for a walk with my mother.
"What's that?" she asked.
"An exercise tool that keeps track of your steps," I said. "I'm hoping it'll help me lose weight."
Clearly unconvinced, she asked, "Wouldn't it work better if it counted your bites?"
+++++
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons Kevin, 5, and Ryan, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson; "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'" Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"
+++++
A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was coming down the aisle, he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd. While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar. So it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR, all the way down the aisle. As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the engaged couple. The bride leaned over and asked what the boy was doing. He proudly replied, "I'm the Ring Bear!"
+++++
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive double-pane energy efficient kind, and today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.
Hellloooo,...........just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!
Helllooooo?.........It's been a year! I told him. There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up.
He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.
+++++
Paddy and his missus are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor's dog barking. It had been barking for hours and hours.Suddenly, Paddy jumps out of bed and says, "I've had enough of this," and goes downstairs.Paddy finally comes back up to bed and his wife says, "The dog is still barking. What have you been doing?"Paddy says, "I've put their dog in our yard - now we'll see how THEY like it!"
Friday, January 30, 2009
Friday, January 23, 2009
Friday's Funnies
THINGS YOU DON’T WANT TO HEAR DURING SURGERY
- Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
- Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
- Hand me that... uh... that uh... thingie
- Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.
- Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500 ml of this stuff before?
- There go the lights again...
- Ya' know...there's big money in kidneys...and this guy's got two of 'em.
- Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
- What's this doing here?
- Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.
- Sterile, shcmerle. The floor's clean, right?
- Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.
+++++
"Penny for your thoughts"
One night a wife found her husband standing over their baby's crib. Silently she watched him.
As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, skepticism.
Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arm around her husband. "A penny for your thoughts," she said.
"It's amazing!" he replied. "I just can't see how anybody can make a crib like that for only $46.50."
+++++
A preacher finished the service one morning by saying, "Next Sunday, I am going to preach on the subject of liars. As a preparation for my sermon, I would like you all to read Mark 17."On the following Sunday, the preacher rose to begin. Looking out at the congregation he said, "Last week I asked you all to read Mark 17. If you have read the chapter, please raise your hand."Nearly every hand in the congregation went up. Smiling, the preacher said, "You are the very people I want to talk to. Mark has only 16 chapters."
+++++
YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2009 when...
1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen
8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.
10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )
12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.
+++++
Two crows were sitting on a fence amazed at how fast a jet with smoke pouring out the back was going.
First crow: Man, look how fast that guy is going.
Second crow: You'd fly that fast too if your tail was on fire!
- Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
- Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
- Hand me that... uh... that uh... thingie
- Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.
- Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500 ml of this stuff before?
- There go the lights again...
- Ya' know...there's big money in kidneys...and this guy's got two of 'em.
- Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
- What's this doing here?
- Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.
- Sterile, shcmerle. The floor's clean, right?
- Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.
+++++
"Penny for your thoughts"
One night a wife found her husband standing over their baby's crib. Silently she watched him.
As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, skepticism.
Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arm around her husband. "A penny for your thoughts," she said.
"It's amazing!" he replied. "I just can't see how anybody can make a crib like that for only $46.50."
+++++
A preacher finished the service one morning by saying, "Next Sunday, I am going to preach on the subject of liars. As a preparation for my sermon, I would like you all to read Mark 17."On the following Sunday, the preacher rose to begin. Looking out at the congregation he said, "Last week I asked you all to read Mark 17. If you have read the chapter, please raise your hand."Nearly every hand in the congregation went up. Smiling, the preacher said, "You are the very people I want to talk to. Mark has only 16 chapters."
+++++
YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2009 when...
1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen
8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.
10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )
12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.
+++++
Two crows were sitting on a fence amazed at how fast a jet with smoke pouring out the back was going.
First crow: Man, look how fast that guy is going.
Second crow: You'd fly that fast too if your tail was on fire!
Friday, January 16, 2009
Friday's Funnies
Senior moment:
"WHERE is my SUNDAY paper?!" The irate customer calling the newspaper office loudly demanded, wanting to know where her Sunday edition was.
"Madam", said the newspaper employee, "today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow, on SUNDAY".
There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition as she was heard to mutter,
"Well, shoot... so that's why no one was at church today".
+++++
Only a Mom would know . . . One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me. I was maybe 21/2 years old and had just recovered from an accident. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it wasone of my favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in theevening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was justwater. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea,my Mom came home.My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup oftea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' My Mom waited, and sureenough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and shewatches him drink it up. Then she says, 'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she canreach to get water is the toilet?
+++++
A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to her car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"
"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"
"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back, which have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble."
"I'd be happy to," said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.
Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified!! There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.
With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde. "What the heck are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo."
"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde," but we had money left over--- so now we're going to Sea World."
+++++
WOULD YOU REMARRY??
A Husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks THE question.....
WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again? HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?" HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?" HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look) HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)
WIFE: "Would you live in our house?" HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?" HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?" HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?" HUSBAND: "That would seem like the
proper thing to do"
WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?" HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."
WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you? HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times."
WIFE: "Would she use my clubs? HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."
WIFE: silence
HUSBAND: "Whoops!"
"WHERE is my SUNDAY paper?!" The irate customer calling the newspaper office loudly demanded, wanting to know where her Sunday edition was.
"Madam", said the newspaper employee, "today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow, on SUNDAY".
There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition as she was heard to mutter,
"Well, shoot... so that's why no one was at church today".
+++++
Only a Mom would know . . . One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me. I was maybe 21/2 years old and had just recovered from an accident. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it wasone of my favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in theevening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was justwater. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea,my Mom came home.My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup oftea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' My Mom waited, and sureenough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and shewatches him drink it up. Then she says, 'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she canreach to get water is the toilet?
+++++
A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to her car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"
"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"
"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back, which have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble."
"I'd be happy to," said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.
Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified!! There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.
With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde. "What the heck are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo."
"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde," but we had money left over--- so now we're going to Sea World."
+++++
WOULD YOU REMARRY??
A Husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks THE question.....
WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again? HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?" HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?" HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look) HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)
WIFE: "Would you live in our house?" HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?" HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?" HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?" HUSBAND: "That would seem like the
proper thing to do"
WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?" HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."
WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you? HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times."
WIFE: "Would she use my clubs? HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."
WIFE: silence
HUSBAND: "Whoops!"
Friday, January 9, 2009
Friday's Funnies
If biblical headlines were written by today's liberal media...
On the Red Sea crossing: WETLANDS TRAMPLED IN LABOR STRIKE Pursuing Environmentalists Killed
On David vs. Goliath: HATE CRIME KILLS BELOVED CHAMPION Psychologist Questions Influence of Rock
On Elijah on Mt. Carmel: FIRE SENDS RELIGIOUS RIGHT EXTREMIST INTO FRENZY 400 Killed
On the birth of Christ: HOTELS FULL, ANIMALS LEFT HOMELESS Animal Rights Activists Enraged by Insensitive Couple
On feeding the 5,000: PREACHER STEALS CHILD'S LUNCH Disciples Mystified Over Behavior
On healing the 10 lepers: LOCAL DOCTOR'S PRACTICE RUINED "Faith Healer" Causes Bankruptcy
On healing of the Gadarene demoniac: MADMAN'S FRIEND CAUSES STAMPEDE Local Farmer's Investment Lost
On raising Lazarus from the dead: FUNDAMENTALIST PREACHER RAISES A STINK Will Reading to be Delayed
+++++
Passing the Test
Two paramedics were dispatched to check on a 92-year-old man who had become disoriented. They decided to take him to the hospital for evaluation. En route, with the siren blaring, they questioned the man to determine his level of awareness. Leaning close, one asked, "Sir, do you know what we're doing right now?" The old man slowly looked up at him and then gazed out the ambulance window. "Oh," he replied, "I'd say about 50, maybe 55."
God's Address
During "children's time" in the worship service, the kids came forward and the pastor, wanting to teach about prayer, asked, "How can we talk with God?" The pastor produced paper and envelope and said, "Maybe we can write God a letter. Does anyone know God's address?" The group said no. Then the pastor pulled out his cell phone and said, "Maybe we can telephone God. Does anyone know God's phone number?" The response was again negative. Then the pastor displayed his lap top computer and said, "Maybe we can send God an e-mail!" A little five-year-old perked up and enthusiastically said, "Yeah, try www-dot-God-dot-com!"
Now, Wait
Whenever my aunt went to the doctor, she would complain to me about the long delay she always endured. One day, when my aunt's name was finally called, she was asked to step on the scale. "I need to get your weight today," said the nurse. Without a moment's hesitation, my aunt replied, "One hour and 45 minutes!"
+++++
When a panel of medical professionals was asked their opinion on the proposed Universal Health Care program, here's what they had to say:
The Allergists voted to scratch it, and the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.
The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, while the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve, and the Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception.
The Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted; the Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!", while the Pediatricians thought it was childish.
The Psychiatrists considered the whole idea "madness", the Radiologists could see right through it, and the Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.
The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, while the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter."
The Podiatrists didn't want to foot the bill, and the Urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water. But the Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
Finally, the Nurses needled their supervisors about it as the Orderlies called for starting over with a clean sheet.
+++++
"Helping out"
One day a housework-challenged husband decided to wash his own sweatshirt.
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to his wife, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," she replied. "What does it say on your sweatshirt?"
He yelled back, "Nike."
+++++
Confucius asks:
"If a train station is where the train stops, and a bus station is where the bus stops, what is a work station?"
On the Red Sea crossing: WETLANDS TRAMPLED IN LABOR STRIKE Pursuing Environmentalists Killed
On David vs. Goliath: HATE CRIME KILLS BELOVED CHAMPION Psychologist Questions Influence of Rock
On Elijah on Mt. Carmel: FIRE SENDS RELIGIOUS RIGHT EXTREMIST INTO FRENZY 400 Killed
On the birth of Christ: HOTELS FULL, ANIMALS LEFT HOMELESS Animal Rights Activists Enraged by Insensitive Couple
On feeding the 5,000: PREACHER STEALS CHILD'S LUNCH Disciples Mystified Over Behavior
On healing the 10 lepers: LOCAL DOCTOR'S PRACTICE RUINED "Faith Healer" Causes Bankruptcy
On healing of the Gadarene demoniac: MADMAN'S FRIEND CAUSES STAMPEDE Local Farmer's Investment Lost
On raising Lazarus from the dead: FUNDAMENTALIST PREACHER RAISES A STINK Will Reading to be Delayed
+++++
Passing the Test
Two paramedics were dispatched to check on a 92-year-old man who had become disoriented. They decided to take him to the hospital for evaluation. En route, with the siren blaring, they questioned the man to determine his level of awareness. Leaning close, one asked, "Sir, do you know what we're doing right now?" The old man slowly looked up at him and then gazed out the ambulance window. "Oh," he replied, "I'd say about 50, maybe 55."
God's Address
During "children's time" in the worship service, the kids came forward and the pastor, wanting to teach about prayer, asked, "How can we talk with God?" The pastor produced paper and envelope and said, "Maybe we can write God a letter. Does anyone know God's address?" The group said no. Then the pastor pulled out his cell phone and said, "Maybe we can telephone God. Does anyone know God's phone number?" The response was again negative. Then the pastor displayed his lap top computer and said, "Maybe we can send God an e-mail!" A little five-year-old perked up and enthusiastically said, "Yeah, try www-dot-God-dot-com!"
Now, Wait
Whenever my aunt went to the doctor, she would complain to me about the long delay she always endured. One day, when my aunt's name was finally called, she was asked to step on the scale. "I need to get your weight today," said the nurse. Without a moment's hesitation, my aunt replied, "One hour and 45 minutes!"
+++++
When a panel of medical professionals was asked their opinion on the proposed Universal Health Care program, here's what they had to say:
The Allergists voted to scratch it, and the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.
The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, while the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve, and the Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception.
The Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted; the Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!", while the Pediatricians thought it was childish.
The Psychiatrists considered the whole idea "madness", the Radiologists could see right through it, and the Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.
The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, while the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter."
The Podiatrists didn't want to foot the bill, and the Urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water. But the Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
Finally, the Nurses needled their supervisors about it as the Orderlies called for starting over with a clean sheet.
+++++
"Helping out"
One day a housework-challenged husband decided to wash his own sweatshirt.
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to his wife, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," she replied. "What does it say on your sweatshirt?"
He yelled back, "Nike."
+++++
Confucius asks:
"If a train station is where the train stops, and a bus station is where the bus stops, what is a work station?"
Friday, January 2, 2009
Friday's Funnies
New Year's Goals
When I returned home from college for a break, I noticed a paper posted on the refrigerator. It listed some goals my dad had set for himself: Help wife more; lose weight; be more productive at work. I promptly added: "Send Michelle money every month." A few days later my brother wrote: "Make payments on car for Jason." Then my boyfriend joined in with: "Buy Tom a Jeep." Finally my father added a new goal to his amended list: "Wean kids."
New Year's Day Prayer
"Dear Lord, So far this year I've done well. I haven't gossiped, I haven't lost my temper, I haven't been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or overindulgent. I'm very thankful for that. But in a few minutes, Lord, I'm going to get out of bed, and from then on I'm probably going to need a lot more help. Amen."
Top Five New Year Resolutions
· I resolve to work with neglected children (my own).
· When I hear a funny joke I will not reply, "LOL... LOL!"
· I will balance my checkbook (on my nose).
· I will try to figure out why I "really" need 11 e-mail addresses.
· I will find out why the correspondence course on "Mail Fraud" that I purchased never showed up
New Year's Resolution History (#1)
· 2005: I will read at least 20 good books a year.
· 2006: I will read at least 10 books a year.
· 2007: I will read 5 books a year.
· 2008: I will read some articles in the newspaper this year.
· 2009: I will try and finish the comics section this year.
New Year's Resolution History (#2)
· 2005: I will get my weight down below 170.
· 2006: I will watch my calories until my weight is below 200.
· 2007: I will follow my new diet until I get below 220.
· 2008: I will work out once a week.
· 2009: I will drive past a gym at least once a week.
New Year's Resolution History (#3)
· 2005: I will pay off my bank loan promptly.
· 2006: I will pay off my bank loans promptly.
· 2007: I will be totally out of debt by next year.
· 2008: I will try to pay off the debt interest by next year.
· 2009: I will try to be out of the country by next year.
After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday away from school. One child wrote the
following:
We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Florida. Now they live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass.
They ride around on their bicycles and wear name tags because they don't know who they are anymore. They go to a building called a wrecked center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now, they do exercises there, but they don't do them very well.
There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with hats on. At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out and go cruising in their golf carts. Nobody there cooks, they just eat out.
And, they eat the same thing every night -- early birds.
Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll house. The ones who do get out bring food back to the wrecked center for pot luck.
My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too. When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out, so they can visit their grandchildren.
+++++
Christmas was over. Santa and his reindeer finally had a chance to rest. And they deserved it. They had done a good job.
Rudolph had a chance to do something he had wanted to do for a long time. He made an appointment with a plastic surgeon because he was so sensitive about his looks. However, it wasn't his glowing proboscis that he wanted changed.
He was proud of his nose and the help he had given Santa because of it. No, he was sensitive about his long ears, which were much more prominent than the ears of the average reindeer, or bear for that matter.
So one week after Christmas, he let the good doctor do the pinna reconstructive surgery procedure, and since that time, January 1st has been celebrated as New Ears Day.
Happy New Ears Day!
When I returned home from college for a break, I noticed a paper posted on the refrigerator. It listed some goals my dad had set for himself: Help wife more; lose weight; be more productive at work. I promptly added: "Send Michelle money every month." A few days later my brother wrote: "Make payments on car for Jason." Then my boyfriend joined in with: "Buy Tom a Jeep." Finally my father added a new goal to his amended list: "Wean kids."
New Year's Day Prayer
"Dear Lord, So far this year I've done well. I haven't gossiped, I haven't lost my temper, I haven't been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or overindulgent. I'm very thankful for that. But in a few minutes, Lord, I'm going to get out of bed, and from then on I'm probably going to need a lot more help. Amen."
Top Five New Year Resolutions
· I resolve to work with neglected children (my own).
· When I hear a funny joke I will not reply, "LOL... LOL!"
· I will balance my checkbook (on my nose).
· I will try to figure out why I "really" need 11 e-mail addresses.
· I will find out why the correspondence course on "Mail Fraud" that I purchased never showed up
New Year's Resolution History (#1)
· 2005: I will read at least 20 good books a year.
· 2006: I will read at least 10 books a year.
· 2007: I will read 5 books a year.
· 2008: I will read some articles in the newspaper this year.
· 2009: I will try and finish the comics section this year.
New Year's Resolution History (#2)
· 2005: I will get my weight down below 170.
· 2006: I will watch my calories until my weight is below 200.
· 2007: I will follow my new diet until I get below 220.
· 2008: I will work out once a week.
· 2009: I will drive past a gym at least once a week.
New Year's Resolution History (#3)
· 2005: I will pay off my bank loan promptly.
· 2006: I will pay off my bank loans promptly.
· 2007: I will be totally out of debt by next year.
· 2008: I will try to pay off the debt interest by next year.
· 2009: I will try to be out of the country by next year.
After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday away from school. One child wrote the
following:
We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Florida. Now they live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass.
They ride around on their bicycles and wear name tags because they don't know who they are anymore. They go to a building called a wrecked center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now, they do exercises there, but they don't do them very well.
There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with hats on. At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out and go cruising in their golf carts. Nobody there cooks, they just eat out.
And, they eat the same thing every night -- early birds.
Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll house. The ones who do get out bring food back to the wrecked center for pot luck.
My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too. When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out, so they can visit their grandchildren.
+++++
Christmas was over. Santa and his reindeer finally had a chance to rest. And they deserved it. They had done a good job.
Rudolph had a chance to do something he had wanted to do for a long time. He made an appointment with a plastic surgeon because he was so sensitive about his looks. However, it wasn't his glowing proboscis that he wanted changed.
He was proud of his nose and the help he had given Santa because of it. No, he was sensitive about his long ears, which were much more prominent than the ears of the average reindeer, or bear for that matter.
So one week after Christmas, he let the good doctor do the pinna reconstructive surgery procedure, and since that time, January 1st has been celebrated as New Ears Day.
Happy New Ears Day!
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