Friday's Funnies

TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR HOSPITAL IS MAKING COST-SAVINGS CUTS

10. They encourage your Facebook friends to 'like' one of your surgery options

9. Rescue helicopter also does traffic reports for local radio station

8. Paper or plastic colostomy bags

7. Discount drug bins on every floor

6. Etch-a-Sketch X-Rays

5. Guy from Office Depot now stapling up surgery patients

4. Pull start heart-lung machines

3. Shaking bag of chicken bones at wound now considered a 2nd opinion

2. Nurse pull cord replaced with friend request on their Facebook page

1. Coin-Operated I.V.s

Bumpy flight

A passenger jet was suffering through a severe thunderstorm. As the passengers were being bounced around by the turbulence, a young woman turned to a minister sitting next to her and with a nervous laugh asked, “Reverend, you’re a man of God, can’t you do something about this storm?”  To which he replied, “Lady, I’m in sales, not management.”

Redeemed

While handing a 25-cent-off coupon to the supermarket clerk at the checkout counter, a woman inadvertently missed her hand, and the coupon slipped beneath the scale and was gone. The checker looked distressed, so I the woman said, "That's Okay, it's in coupon heaven now." "Coupon heaven?", the checker said. "Yes", the woman said, "That's where coupons go when they die." "Only the redeemed ones!" said the checker.

Tongue-Tied

A Swiss man, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Americans are waiting. "Entschuldigung, köennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he asks. The two Americans just stare at him. "Excusez-moi, parlez vous Français?" he tries. The two continue to stare. "Parlaré Italiano?" No response. "Hablan ustedes Español?" Still nothing. The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted. The first American turns to the second and says, "Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language." "Why?" says the other. "That guy knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good."

Fine Tuning

Did you hear about the two radio antennas that got married?   The wedding was terrible, but the reception was excellent!

The Reason

He:  "I'm never going to work for that man again."
She:  "Why? What did he say?"
He:  "You're fired!"

Children do all the work

In Sunday School one morning Little Joey raised his hand and proceeded to ask a question that had perplexed him for some time.

"Mr. Goldblatt," said little Joey, "there's something I can't figure out.  According to the Bible, the Children of Israel crossed the Red Sea,right?" 

"Right." 

"And the Children of Israel beat up the Philistines, right?" 

"Er, right." 

"And the Children of Israel built the Temple, right?" 

"Again you're right." 

"And the Children of Israel fought the Egyptians and the Children of Israel were always doing something important, right?" 

"All that is right, too," agreed Mr. Goldblatt. "So what's your question, Joey?" 

"What were all the grown-ups doing?"

Bulletin Blooper

My appointment as pastor coincided with the church's appeal for aid for victims of a hurricane. Unfortunately, on my first Sunday in the parish, the center page of the church bulletin was accidentally omitted. So members of the congregation read from the bottom of the second page to the top of the last page— "Welcome to the Rev. Andrew Jensen and his family ... the worst disaster to hit the area in this century. The full extent of the tragedy is not yet known."

If life were like a PC:

-         You could add/remove someone in your life using the control panel.

-          You could put your kids in the recycle bin and restore them when you feel like it!

-          You could improve your appearance by adjusting the display settings.

-          You could turn off the speakers when life gets too noisy.

-          You could click on “find” (Ctrl, F) to recover your lost remote control and car keys.

-          To get your daily exercise, just click on “run”!

-          If you mess up your life, you could always press “Ctrl, Alt, Delete” and start all over!

Friday's Funnies

HOSPITAL CHART BLOOPERS - Actual writings from hospital charts

~ The patient refused autopsy.

~ The patient has no previous history of suicides.

~ Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

~ Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

~ On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.

~ The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

~ Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

~ She is numb from her toes down.

~ The skin was moist and dry.

~ Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

~ Patient was alert and unresponsive.

~ I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

~ Skin: somewhat pale but present.

~ Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

A  Narrow Escape

There was an engineer, manager, and a programmer driving down a steep mountain road. The brakes failed and the car careened down the road out of control. Half way down the driver managed to stop the car by running it against the embankment narrowly avoiding careening off the cliff. They all got out, shaken by their narrow escape from death, but otherwise unharmed.

The manager said, "To fix this problem we need to organize a committee, have meetings, and through the process of exchanging ideas, develop a solution."

The engineer said, "No that would take too long, besides that method never worked before. I have my trusty pen knife here and will take apart the brake system, isolate the problem and correct it."

The programmer said, "I think you're both wrong! I think we should all push the car back up the hill and see if it happens again."

Yes I Can!

On the farm where I was raised, home canning was a big thing. Most folks had a garden and ate out of it all summer; the surplus was put up in bottles for the winter. The common saying was: "We eat what we can, and what we can't, we can."

Signs of the Times

• Sign outside a secondhand shop: "We Exchange Anything: Bicycles, Washing Machines, etc. Bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain."
• Sign on a repair shop door: "We Can Fix Anything. (Please knock hard on the door -- the Bell Doesn't Work.)
• Notice in a health food window: "Closed Due To Illness"
• Sign in a laundromat: "Automatic Washing Machines: Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out."
• Sign in an office kitchen: "After the tea break, staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the drain-board."

See ya

Money talks, but it has only a one-word vocabulary: "Goodbye!"

Loose-fitting

Lucy teaches many aerobic classes. She told a lady who was looking to sign up for the class to just wear loose-fitting clothing to the class.  “Honey,” the lady replied, “if I had any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn’t be signing up for an exercise class.”

A Life-Saver

A good piece of chocolate has about 200 calories. As I enjoy 2 servings per night, and a few more on weekends, I consume about 3,500 calories of chocolate in a week, which equals one pound of weight per week. Therefore, in the last 3-1/2 years, I have had chocolate caloric intake of about 180 pounds, and I only weigh 165 pounds. So... without chocolate, I would have wasted away to nothing about 3 months ago! I owe my life to chocolate!

Oooo...

A religious farmer lost his Bible out in the field. A few days later he went to answer a noise at his door. Standing there was a cow, with his Bible in its mouth! The farmer raised his eyes to heaven and thanked the Lord for this miracle. "Not really a miracle," said the cow. "Your name was written inside."

Looking for Space

I was driving around and around a parking garage in search of an available space. Nothing. Then I noticed a couple walking ahead of me.   "Going out?" I called to them.   "No," said the man. "Just friends."

Friday's Funnies

That’s Not My Job

This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody.  There was an important job to be done and Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it.  Somebody got angry about that because it was Everybody’s job.  Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it.  It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have.

The Consultation


"Doctor, I'd like you to evaluate my 13 year-old son."
"OK: He's suffering from a transient psychosis with an intermittent rage disorder, punctuated by episodic radical mood swings, but his prognosis is good for full recovery."
"How can you know all that without even meeting him?"
"I thought you said he's 13?"


Hand Signals

A three-year-old regularly watched football games with his father. So much so, that he knew some of the signals the referee makes. On a recent Sunday, the three-year-old attended church with the family. As the pastor raised his hands high to offer a blessing, the child interrupted the service by shouting, "Touchdown!"

A Reasonable Fee

A man phones a lawyer and asks, “How much would you charge for just answering three simple questions?”  The lawyer replies, “A thousand dollars.”  “A thousand dollars!” exclaims the man. “That’s very expensive isn’t it?”  “It certainly is,” says the lawyer. “Now, what’s your third question?”

Money’s worth

Patient: How much will it cost me to have this tooth extracted?

Dentist: $300

Patient: $300 for just a few minutes work?? That's expensive!

Dentist: Okay, I'll pull it out slowly if you prefer.

Outdoorsman

When the doctor asked Chuck about what he did yesterday, he told him about his day: "Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded across the edge of a lake, escaped from a mountain lion in the heavy brush, marched up and down a mountain, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand, and jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake."  Inspired by his story, the doctor exclaimed, "Chuck, you must be an awesome outdoorsman!"  "No," Chuck replied, "I'm just a lousy golfer."

I have contacts

A policeman pulled a female driver over and asked to see her license.  After looking it over, he said to her, “Lady, it stipulates here on your license that you should be wearing glasses.”  “Well, I have contacts,” the woman replied.  “Look lady, I don’t care who you know,” snapped the officer. “You’re getting a ticket.”

Choosing a Pet

A man wanted a pet for his daughter. She had been getting good grades at school, and was helping out around the house without protest. He went to the local pet shop to see what they had.  He looked at a baby rabbit, a baby chick and a baby duck. They were all very cute, but he decided to buy the baby chick.  Do you know why?  It was a little cheeper!

Alabama

Bubba and Billy Joe are walking down the street in Atlanta, and they see a sign on a store which reads, "Suits $5.00 each, shirts $2.00 each, pants $2.50 each. Bubba says to his pal, "Billy Joe , Look here! We could buy a whole gob of these, take 'em back to Sand Mountain , sell 'em to our friends, and make a fortune. Just let me do the talkin' 'cause if they hear your accent, they might think we're ignorant, and not wanna sell that stuff to us. Now, I'll talk in a slow Georgia drawl so's they don't know we is from Alabama." They go in and Bubba says with his best fake Georgia drawl, "I'll take 50 of them suits at $5.00 each, 100 of them there shirts at $2.00 each, 50 pairs of them there pants at $2.50 each. I'll back up my pickup and...." The owner of the shop interrupts, "Ya'll from North Alabama , ain' t ya?" "Well...yeah," says a surprised Bubba...."How come you knowed that? "Because this is a dry-cleaners."

At the doctor

I went to my doctor yesterday. After a long wait in the outer office, my name was finally called. When I got into the examining room, the nurse pointed to the scale and said, “I need to get your weight today.”  I immediately replied, “One hour and 5 minutes.”

Telephone call

A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour, and then she hung up.  “Wow!” said her father, “That was short. You usually talk for two hours. What happened?”  “Wrong number…” replied the girl.  

Friday's Funnies

Mixed Message

I heard a story recently about a young girl who wrote a letter to a missionary to let him know that her class had been praying for him. But evidently she'd been told not to request a response to her letter because the missionaries were very busy. So the missionary got a kick out of her letter. It said, "Dear Mr. Missionary, we are praying for you. But we are not expecting an answer."

The Educated One

My busy mother sometimes accidentally left pots and pans on the stove with the burners on, so she resorted to posting this reminder on the kitchen door: "STOVE?" My sister, back from college, noticed Mother's sign. Beneath it she taped her reply: "No — Door! Trust me. I went to college."

Tired

A neighbor said to me, "Steve, you look tired." "I am," I said. "I just finished doing 50 push-ups." "Oh really? When did you start doing push-ups?" "Well, I did the first one in 1986."

Sincere love note

To Mary, the love of my life:

There is nothing I would not do to reach your side. I would climb the highest mountain! I would cross the trackless desert! I would swim the widest ocean to be near you, my beloved.

With love and tenderness,
John

PS: See you Saturday night, if it doesn’t rain.

Bathroom Break

On the first day of school, about mid-morning, the kindergarten teacher said, “If anyone has to go to the bathroom, hold up two fingers.” A little voice from the back of the room asked, “How will that help?”

Grandma

Grandchild: "Oh, I sure am happy to see you, Grandma! Now maybe Daddy will do the trick he promised!"

Grandmother: "What trick is that, dear?"

Grandchild: "I heard him tell Mommy that he would climb the walls if you came to visit again!"

DID NOAH FISH?

A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark?" "No," replied Johnny. "How could he, with just two worms."

UNANSWERED PRAYER

The preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon. One day, she asked him why. "Well, Honey," he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his messages. "I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon." "How come He doesn't answer it?" she asked.

SAY A PRAYER

Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away. "Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer." said his mother. "I don't need to," the boy replied. "Of course, you do "his mother insisted. "We always say a prayer before eating at our house." "That's at our house." Johnny explained. "But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook. “

SIGNS THAT YOU ATTEND A SMALL CHURCH

~ You cancel church when the pastor goes on vacation because his family is half the congregation.

~ You meet in the Pastor's two-car garage while the sanctuary is being remodeled.

~ The church bus is a mini-van that carries seven passengers.

~ Pastor comes to Wednesday night services in his uniform directly from his "other" job.

~ Offering is taken up only once a month.

~ Youth group age goes to 30.

~ Senior Adults age start at 40.

~ Children's Church is cancelled when the family with the most kids goes on vacation.

~ There are more people in the choir than in the congregation.

~ Pastor also serves as an usher, pianist and song leader.

Advice to an old guy

An old guy was working out in the gym when he spotted an attractive young lady. He asked a nearby trainer, "What machine should I use to impress that lady over there?" The trainer looked him up and down and said, "I would try the ATM in the lobby."

Recall?

It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.

Friday's Funnies

Computer Repair

Outraged by the high charges that the computer service wanted for repair work, one employee asked her co-worker which service she used. "My sons," was the reply. "They both have degrees in Computer science." "So you get that kind of work done for nothing," the friend marveled. The co-worker smiled. "Actually, I figured that it cost me about $140,000 for my kids to fix my computer for free."

The Bequest

A dying granny tells her granddaughter, "I want to leave you my farm. That includes the villa, the tractor, and other equipment, the farmhouse and $22,398,750.78 in cash." The granddaughter, absolutely floored and about to become rich says, "Oh granny, you are SO generous! I didn't even know you had a farm. Where is it?" With her last breath, Granny whispered, "Facebook..."

Marriage one-liners

The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it. (Ann Bancroft)

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewellery. (Rita Rudner)

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher. (Socrates)

A husband is like a fire, he goes out when unattended. (Evan Esar)

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way. (Henny Youngman)

My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met. (Rodney Dangerfield)

A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong. (Milton Berle)

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. (George Burns)

There’s only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn what it is I’ll get married again. (Clint Eastwood)

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. (Henny Youngman)

Password

During a recent company password audit, it was found that a blonde secretary was using the following password: "MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento". When asked why she had such a long password, she said she was told that her password had to be ‘at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital’…

WIFE'S DIARY:

Tonight I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much.

I asked him what was wrong. He said, "Nothing." I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving.

I can't explain his behavior I don't know why he didn't reply, "I love you, too." When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep; I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

HUSBAND'S DIARY:

A four putt! Who FOUR putts? Arrrgghh

The Garden

Adam was walking outside of the Garden of Eden with Cain and Abel when the boys were young. Cain and Abel looked into the garden and viewed waterfalls, lovely birds, lush forests and fruit trees bending over because of the large amounts of fruit on them.

Then they took a long look at where they lived. It was dry, dusty with weeds and sickly-looking trees.

"Daddy? Why don't we live in there instead of out here?" they asked innocently.

Adam said, "Well sons. Eve and I use to live in there at one time. But your mother ate us out of house and home."

Food chain

After discussing the “food chain” with my fifth grade class, I told them their weekend homework was to write a sentence showing they understood the meaning of the term.

On Monday morning, one student handed this in: “Burger King is my favorite food chain.”

Barking dog

One night our dog suddenly began barking almost every night at around 3 a.m. Irritated and sleepy, my husband, Larry, searched the backyard for what might have disturbed this otherwise peaceful animal. For three days he found nothing amiss. When the dog woke up the neighborhood a fourth night at 3 a.m. with frantic barking, Larry finally snuck around the house through the alley only to discover our quiet neighbor, the last man you’d suspect of wrongdoing, throwing pebbles over the fence at the dog. My husband demanded to know what he was doing. “My mother-in-law is visiting,” the embarrassed neighbor explained. “If she gets woken up in the middle of the night one more time she says she’ll leave.”