Friday's Funnies

 Too Old To Trick Or Treat

 

You know you are too old to Trick or Treat when:

10. You keep knocking on your own front door.

9. You remove your false teeth to change your appearance.

8. You ask for soft, high fiber candy only.

7. Someone drops a candy bar in your bag and you lose your balance and fall over.

6. People say: "Great Boris Karloff Mask," and you're not wearing a mask.

5. The door opens, you yell "Trick or..." but you can't remember the rest.

4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.

3. You have to carefully choose a costume that doesn't dislodge your hairpiece.

2. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.

1. You keep having to go home to use the bathroom.

 

Yearly Physical

 

I went to the doctor for my yearly physical. The nurse started with certain basics. "How much do you weigh?" she asked. "135," I said. The nurse put me on the scale. It turns out my weight is 180. The nurse asked, "Your height?" "5 foot 6," I said. The nurse checked and saw that I only measure 5 foot 2 inches. She then took my blood pressure and told me that it is very high. "Of course it's high!" I screamed. "When I came in here I was tall and slender! Now I'm short and fat!"

 

Learn The First Time

 

One day an employee came into work with both of his ears bandaged. His boss asked him what happened to his ears. "Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and I accidentally answered the iron instead of the phone!" "Well," the boss said, "that explains one ear, but what about the other?" "They called back."

 

Seen In The Cafeteria

 

At work, my dad noticed that the name of an employee was the same as an old friend. He found the man's e-mail address and sent him a message. When Dad received a reply, he was insulted and fired back another e-mail: "I have put on some weight, but I didn't realize it was that noticeable." His friend's hastily typed message, with an apparent typo, had read: "Hi, Ron. I didn't know you worked here, but I did see a gut that looked like you in the cafeteria."

 

Excuses Why People Don't Go To Church - Applied Elsewhere

Everybody has a good excuse for not attending church. If you take those excuses and apply them to other things we do (or don't do), like eating, they might look like this list. I don't eat anymore because:

1. I was forced to eat as a child.
2. People who eat all the time are hypocrites; they aren't really hungry.
3. There are so many different kinds of food, I can't decide what to eat.
4. I used to eat, but I got bored and stopped.
5. I only eat on special occasions, like Christmas and Easter.
6. None of my friends will eat with me.
7. I'll start eating when I get older.
8. I don't really have time to eat.
9. I don't believe that eating does anybody any good. It's just a crutch.
10. Restaurants and grocery stores are only after your money.

Handy Guide To Modern Science

 

1. If it's green or it wiggles, it's Biology.

2. If it stinks, it's Chemistry.

3. If it doesn't work, it's Physics.

 

Chocolate Voices

 

When I look at chocolate, I hear two voices in my head. The first one says, "You need to eat the chocolate.” The second one says, "You heard. Eat the chocolate."

 

Baseball in Heaven

 

Two seventy year old men, Moe and Sam, have been friends all their lives. It seems that Sam is dying, so Moe comes to visit him. "Sam," says Moe, "You know how we have both loved baseball all our lives. Sam, you gotta do me one favor. When you go, somehow you've got to find a way to get a message to me to tell me if there's baseball in heaven." Sam looks up at Moe from his deathbed and says, "Moe, you've been my friend many years. This favor I'll try to do for you." And with that Sam passes on. It is midnight a couple of nights later. Moe is sound asleep when a distant voice calls out to him, "Moe...Moe..." "Who is it?" says Moe sitting up suddenly, "Who is it?" "Moe, it's Sam." "Come on. You're not Sam. Sam died." said Moe, coming awake. "I'm telling you," insists the voice. "It's me, Sam!" "Sam? Is that you? Where are you?" asks Moe. "I'm in heaven," says Sam, "and I've gotta tell you, I've got some good news and some bad news." "Tell me the good news first," says Moe. "The good news is that there is baseball in heaven." "Really?" says Moe, "That's wonderful! What's the bad news? "You're pitching Tuesday!"

Bad Sign

 

A little boy just couldn't learn. One day his teacher asked him who signed the Declaration of Independence. He didn't know. For almost a week she asked him the same question every day, but still he couldn't come up with the right answer. Finally, in desperation, she called the boy's father to her office. "Your boy won't tell me who signed the Declaration of Independence," she complained. "Come here, son, and sit down," the dad said to the boy. "Now if you signed that crazy thing, just admit it so we can get out of here!"

 

Dad Joke

 

A customer walks into a dress shop and ask, "May I try on that dress in the window?" The salesperson replies, "We prefer you use the dressing rooms."

Today’s Thought

 

It's that time of year when I get to pretend the 5-pound bag of candy I'm buying is for trick-or-treaters.

Friday's Funnies

 

Project Picture

 

My 12-year-old daughter asked me, "Mom, do you have a baby picture of yourself? I need it for a school project."  I gave her one without thinking to ask what the project was.  A few days later I was in her classroom for a parent-teacher meeting when I noticed my face pinned to a mural the students had created.  The title of their project was: "The oldest thing in my house."

In The Library

 

A not-so-smart person walks up to the counter and says: "I'd like a cheeseburger, fries and a Diet Coke."
The man behind the counter says "Look around! This is a LIBRARY!"  "Oh, how silly of me." says the person. She then begins whispering, "I'd like a cheeseburger, fries and a Diet Coke..."

Brief Ceremony

 

After the benediction, he had planned to call the couple down for a brief ceremony in front of the congregation. For the life of him, he couldn't think of the names of those who were to be married. "Will those wanting to get married please come to the front?" he requested. Immediately, nine single ladies, three widows, four widowers, and six single men stepped to the front.

 

Practice What You Preach

 

A baseball manager who had an ulcer went to see his doctor for a checkup. "Remember," the doctor said, "don't get excited, don't get mad, and forget about baseball when you're off the field."  Then he added, "By the way, how come you let the pitcher bat yesterday with the tying run on second and two men out in the ninth?"

 

Genie

 

Three dinosaurs stumble across a magic lamp. They rub it, and a genie appears.  "I have three wishes, so I'll give one to each of you," the genie announces.  The first dinosaur thinks hard.   "Alright," he says, "I'll have a big, juicy, piece of meat."  Instantly, the biggest, juiciest piece of meat he'd ever seen appears in front of him.  Not to be outdone, the second dinosaur thinks even harder.  "I know! I'll have a shower of meat!"  Immediately, huge pieces of meat rain down around him.  The third dinosaur, certainly not to be outdone, thinks harder than the previous dinosaurs.  "I've got it!" he cries, "I want a MEATIER shower!"

 

First Aid

 

"How come you're late?" asks the bartender as the blonde waitress walks in the door.  "It was awful," she explains. "I was walking down Elm Street and there was this terrible accident. A man was lying in the middle of the street; he was thrown from his car. His leg was broken, his skull was fractured, and there was blood everywhere. Thank goodness I took that first aid course -- all my training came back to me in a flash."  "What did you do?" asks the bartender.  "I sat down and put my head between my knees to keep from fainting!"

Carpooling to Work

 

Carpooling to work, a man got increasingly stressed with each trip. After a week of panic attacks, he went to the doctor.  "I'm fine on the bridges, in the traffic and even in the dark after a long day," the man explained. "But when I go through the tunnels with those three other guys, I feel like I'm gonna explode. Am I crazy?"  "Not at all," the doctor said. "You just have Car-pool Tunnel Syndrome."

First Day

 

Little Johnny was thrilled when his turn came to enter kindergarten. To make sure he had plenty of time to eat breakfast and get ready on the first day, his mother woke everybody up early -- so early that it was still dark.  After looking outside Little Johnny went down the hall and found his mother dressing in the bedroom. He looked so troubled that his mother asked, "What's wrong?" mustering as much cheerfulness into her voice as she could at that hour. "This is your big day!"  Little Johnny blurted, "You didn't tell me I was going to night school."

You're Lost Between Baby Boomer And Generation X If... Part 3

 

1. You learned to swim at about the same time "Jaws" came out....and still carry the emotional scars to prove it.

2. You remember when your cable TV box had a sliding selector switch... and your "cable remote" was connected to the TV by CORD!

3. Your jaw would ache by the time you finished one of those brick-sized packages of Bazooka.

4. You remember Bo and Luke Duke, Daisy, Boss Hogg, or--worst of all--what Sheriff Roscoe's full name was.

5. Your parents paid $2,000 for a top-loading VCR that was almost the size of a coffee table.

6. You found nothing strange about Bert and Ernie living together.

7. You remember having a rotary phone.

8. You actually believed that Mikey--famed kid on the Life cereal commercials--died after eating Pop Rocks and drinking a Coke.

9. "Members Only" jackets...say no more.

10. And lastly, I'll make a song stick in your head for the rest of the day:...you actually remember the words to the theme song of "The Greatest American Hero."

Dad’s Joke

 

A generous army general walked into a bar and ordered everyone around.

 

Today’s Thought

 

Humans are 90% water – basically cucumbers with anxiety.

Friday's Funnies

 

New House

 

Little Chad: "So your family got a new house! How do you like it?"

Little Jon: "It's terrific! I have my own room, Billy has his own room, and Jenny has her own room. But poor Mom is still in with Dad."

 

Spelling

 

Teacher: "And how did you spend your summer vacation?"

Pupil: "We visited my grandmother in Minneapolis, Minnesota."

Teacher: "Very good. Can you tell the class how to spell that?"

Pupil: "Actually, I think we went to Ohio."

 

Wrong Answer

 

COP: Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?

ME:   If you forgot, then I'm not reminding you.

COP: Step out of the vehicle.

 

Homework

 

"Michael, where's your homework?" Miss Martin said sternly to the little boy while holding out her hand. "My dog ate it," was his solemn response.  "Michael, I've been a teacher for eighteen years. Do you really expect me to believe that?"  "It's true, Miss Martin, I swear it is," insisted Michael. "I had to smear it with honey, but I finally got him to eat it."

 

Worm Science

 

A science teacher decided to conduct an experiment to show his students the benefits of a healthy lifestyle. He took four jam jars. In jar one he put cigarette smoke. In jar two, alcohol. In jar three junk food and in jar four good clean dirt. He then put an earthworm into each jar, sealed them and put them in a cupboard.  At the end of a week he took the jars out and showed them to the students, saying. "Look, the worm in the cigarette smoke is dead, the worm in the alcohol is dead, and the worm in the junk food is dead. However, the worm in the dirt is alive and well. What do we learn from this?"  One young student put up his hand and said, "If we smoke, drink alcohol and eat junk food, we won't get worms."

 

Part 2 - You're Lost Between Baby Boomer And Generation X If...

 

1. You had a crush on Ted the photographer on "Love Boat," Gage from "Emergency," or Ponch from "CHIPS."

 

2. Your hair at some point in time in the '80s could only be described by saying, "I was experimenting."

 

3. You've ever shopped at Benetton.

 

4. You remember trying to guess which episode of "The Brady Bunch" it was by the first scene.

 

5. You recall when Love's Baby Soft was in every girl's Christmas stocking.

 

6. You were unsure if Diet Coke would ever catch on. (Related item: you were sure that "New Coke" would NEVER catch on.)

 

7. You know all the words to the double-album set of the "Grease" soundtrack.

 

8. You sat with your friends on any given Friday night circa 1982 and dialed 867-5309 to see if Jenny was actually there.

 

9. "All skate, change directions" means something to you.

 

10. You've ever owned a pair of rainbow suspenders like the ones Mork used to wear.

 

Go Forth, Be Fruitful And Multiply

 

Noah opens up the ark and let all the animals out, announcing to them all to follow God's command and "Go forth, be fruitful and multiply."  He's about to close the great doors of the ark when he notices that there are two snakes sitting in a dark corner and not making a move to leave. So he says to them, "Didn't you hear me? You can go now. Go forth and multiply."  The snakes reply, "That command doesn't apply to us."  Noah shakes his head and asks why.  "We don't multiply," said the snakes, "we're adders."

 

Not At Work

 

My boss didn't come in to work today. He called this morning and said he was having a vision problem.

When I asked what was wrong, he replied, "I just can't see myself at work today."

 

Lady's Tee

 

A male golfer was preparing to hit his ball from the lady's tee on the first hole, right in front of the pro shop. As he began his backstroke, a voice boomed over the public address system: "Would the man hitting his ball from the lady's tee, please move it back to the men's tee?!"  He glared over his shoulder, then began again to prepare to hit his ball.  The loudspeaker again shattered the silence, repeating, "Will the man hitting his ball from the lady's tee, please move it back to the men's tee?!  At that, the man turned and faced the clubhouse. Cupping his hands on his mouth he hollered, "Will the man in the clubhouse please be quiet, so I can take my second shot?!"

 

Feeding the Baby

 

A first-time father was taking a turn at feeding the baby some strained peas. Naturally, there were traces of the food everywhere, especially on the infant.  His wife comes in, looks at the infant, then at her husband staring into space, then says, "What in the world are you doing?"  He replied, "I'm waiting for the first coat to dry, so I can put on another."

 

Today’s Thought

 

I had plastic surgery last week. My husband cut up my credit cards.