Harold the Computer Guy
I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Harold, the computer guy, to come over. Harold clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call.
As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"
He replied, "It was an 'ID ten T' error."
I didn't want to appear stupid, but I nonetheless inquired, "An ID ten T Error? What's that, in case I need to fix it again?"
Harold grinned. "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"
"No," I replied.
"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."
So I wrote it down.
I D 1 0 T
I used to like Harold...
+++++
Amazingly Simple Home Remedies
1. If you are choking on an ice cube, simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. Presto! The blockage will instantly remove itself.
2. Avoid cutting yourself slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold while you chop.
3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.
4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.
5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives -- then you will be afraid to cough.
7. You only need two tools in life: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.
8. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
+++++
Punnies
"I can't believe I ate that whole pineapple!" Bill said, dolefully.
"I haven't caught a fish all day!" Mike said, without debate.
"I won't let a stupid flat tire let me down," Steve said, with despair.
"I keep banging my head on things," Marty said, bashfully.
"That is the second time my teacher changed my grade," Donna remarked.
"The fur is falling out of that mink coat," Steven inferred.
"That's the second electric shock that I've gotten today!"
Stew said, revolted.
"I'll just have to send that telegram again," Samuel said, remorsefully.
"I've been sick and lost a lot of weight," Rachel expounded.
+++++
Fixed Sign
A crew of highway maintenance workers was sent to repair some road signs that vandals had knocked down in a forested area. The first one they put back up was a symbol warning of a deer crossing.
As they moved down the road to repair the next sign, one crew member looked back and spotted a deer running across the highway.
She turned to a co-worker and said, "I wonder how long he's been waiting to cross?"
+++++
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body. But rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in hand, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO what a ride!"
Friday, March 21, 2008
Friday, March 14, 2008
Friday's Funnies
"Best of friends"
The patient shook his doctor's hand in gratitude and remarked, "Since we're the best of friends, doc, I wouldn't want to insult you by offering payment. But, you'll be pleased to know that I've mentioned you in my will."
"That's very kind of you," replied the doctor.
After some quick thought, the doctor added, "May I see that prescription I just gave you?"
"Sure, but why?" asked the patient.
The doctor replied, "I'd like to make a small change..."
+++++
"Exercise insights"
It is well documented that for every mile that you jog, you add one minute to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we don't know where she is!
I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.
I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.
I don't exercise at all. If God meant for us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up on our body.
+++++
"Cats for sale"
A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store and he does a double-take. He recognizes that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars.
The store owner replies "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale.
The collector says "Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I'll pay you twenty dollars for that cat."
And the owner says "Sold," and hands over the cat.
The collector continues, "Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat's used to it and it'll save me from having to get a dish."
And the owner says, "Sorry buddy, but that's my lucky saucer. So far this week I've sold 68 cats."
+++++
"You know you are suffering from "Empty Nest Syndrome" if....."
You have thrown out the better part of the last several one-gallon jugs of milk, but still can't bring yourself to buy the one-quart cartons.
You called the power company and asked them to check your meter, because the hot-water bill has been way too low.
You suddenly realize that you no longer need to include video late fees as part of the monthly budget.
You are shocked when you notice you can push the buttons on the car radio and KNOW what station you will get.
The bottle of shampoo has been in the shower so long you are starting to think it might be a mystical experience - kind of a loaves-and-fishes thing.
They've been gone three years and you still cook enough for your husband to have seconds and thirds ... and fourths.
You still walk through the living room in the crouched position with your picking-up hand brushing the floor, even though it encounters no dirty socks.
You ask the mechanic to check why your car is costing so little to run.
Your cupboards overflow with uneaten school lunch treats.
You still hide your best make-up.
+++++
"At the library"
One afternoon while I was visiting my library, I noticed a group of preschoolers gathered for story time. The book they were reading was "There was an old lady who swallowed a fly."
After the librarian finished the first page, she asked the children, "Do you think she'll die?"
"Nope," a little girl in the back said. "I saw this last night on "Fear factor."
+++++
"Make $$$$ fast"
Are you interested in making $$$$ fast? Here's an incredibly simple way to do it and there is nothing to buy, no investment to make, no money to lose!
TRY it now! Follow this simple procedure:
1. Open a new text or word document.
2. Hold down the shift key.
3. Hit the 4 key four times.
The patient shook his doctor's hand in gratitude and remarked, "Since we're the best of friends, doc, I wouldn't want to insult you by offering payment. But, you'll be pleased to know that I've mentioned you in my will."
"That's very kind of you," replied the doctor.
After some quick thought, the doctor added, "May I see that prescription I just gave you?"
"Sure, but why?" asked the patient.
The doctor replied, "I'd like to make a small change..."
+++++
"Exercise insights"
It is well documented that for every mile that you jog, you add one minute to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we don't know where she is!
I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.
I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.
I don't exercise at all. If God meant for us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up on our body.
+++++
"Cats for sale"
A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store and he does a double-take. He recognizes that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars.
The store owner replies "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale.
The collector says "Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I'll pay you twenty dollars for that cat."
And the owner says "Sold," and hands over the cat.
The collector continues, "Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat's used to it and it'll save me from having to get a dish."
And the owner says, "Sorry buddy, but that's my lucky saucer. So far this week I've sold 68 cats."
+++++
"You know you are suffering from "Empty Nest Syndrome" if....."
You have thrown out the better part of the last several one-gallon jugs of milk, but still can't bring yourself to buy the one-quart cartons.
You called the power company and asked them to check your meter, because the hot-water bill has been way too low.
You suddenly realize that you no longer need to include video late fees as part of the monthly budget.
You are shocked when you notice you can push the buttons on the car radio and KNOW what station you will get.
The bottle of shampoo has been in the shower so long you are starting to think it might be a mystical experience - kind of a loaves-and-fishes thing.
They've been gone three years and you still cook enough for your husband to have seconds and thirds ... and fourths.
You still walk through the living room in the crouched position with your picking-up hand brushing the floor, even though it encounters no dirty socks.
You ask the mechanic to check why your car is costing so little to run.
Your cupboards overflow with uneaten school lunch treats.
You still hide your best make-up.
+++++
"At the library"
One afternoon while I was visiting my library, I noticed a group of preschoolers gathered for story time. The book they were reading was "There was an old lady who swallowed a fly."
After the librarian finished the first page, she asked the children, "Do you think she'll die?"
"Nope," a little girl in the back said. "I saw this last night on "Fear factor."
+++++
"Make $$$$ fast"
Are you interested in making $$$$ fast? Here's an incredibly simple way to do it and there is nothing to buy, no investment to make, no money to lose!
TRY it now! Follow this simple procedure:
1. Open a new text or word document.
2. Hold down the shift key.
3. Hit the 4 key four times.
Friday, March 7, 2008
Friday's Funnies
THE OLDER CROWD
A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office.
"Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"
"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'."
+++++
An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anesthesia, he asked to speak to his son
"Yes, Dad, what is it? "
"Don't be nervous, son, do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife...."
+++++
Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me! I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
+++++
Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft...
Today, it's called golf.
+++++
In dire need of a beauty make-over, I went to my salon with a fashion magazine photo of a gorgeous, young, hair model.
I showed the stylist the trendy new cut I wanted and settled into the chair as he began humming a catchy tune and got to work on my thin, graying hair.
I was delighted by his cheerful attitude until I recognized the melody.
It was the theme from "Mission: Impossible."
+++++
Consider The Source
One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me and my brother who is four years older than I am. I was maybe one and a half years old and had just recovered from an accident in which my arm had been broken. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news and my brother was playing nearby in the living room when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home. My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!!' My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up, then says, 'Did it ever occur to you that the only place that baby can reach to get water is the toilet??'
The Efficiency Expert
An efficiency expert by the name of Arnie was delivering a seminar on time management for a company's junior executives. He concluded the session with a disclaimer: "Don't attempt these task-organizing tips at home," he said. "Why not?" he was asked. "Well, I did a study of my wife's routine of fixing breakfast," he replied, a little embarrassed. "I noticed she made a lot of trips between the refrigerator and the stove, the table and the cabinets, each time carrying only one item. So I asked her, 'Honey, I notice that you make a lot of trips back and forth carrying one item at a time. If you would try carrying several things at once you would be much more efficient.'" He paused. "Did that save time?" one of the executives asked. "Actually, yes," Arnie replied. "It used to take her twenty minutes to fix my breakfast. Now I get my own in just seven minutes."
Success
We used to play spin the bottle when I was a kid. A girl would spin the bottle and if it pointed to you when it stopped, the girl could either kiss you or give you a dime. By the time I was 14, I owned my own home."
The Shoplifter
This 80-year-old woman was arrested for shoplifting. When she went before the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?" She replied, "A can of peaches." The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches and she replied that she was hungry. The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied, "six." The judge then said, "I will then give you six days in jail." Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something. The judge said, "What is it?" The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas."
A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office.
"Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"
"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'."
+++++
An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anesthesia, he asked to speak to his son
"Yes, Dad, what is it? "
"Don't be nervous, son, do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife...."
+++++
Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me! I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
+++++
Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft...
Today, it's called golf.
+++++
In dire need of a beauty make-over, I went to my salon with a fashion magazine photo of a gorgeous, young, hair model.
I showed the stylist the trendy new cut I wanted and settled into the chair as he began humming a catchy tune and got to work on my thin, graying hair.
I was delighted by his cheerful attitude until I recognized the melody.
It was the theme from "Mission: Impossible."
+++++
Consider The Source
One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me and my brother who is four years older than I am. I was maybe one and a half years old and had just recovered from an accident in which my arm had been broken. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news and my brother was playing nearby in the living room when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home. My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!!' My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up, then says, 'Did it ever occur to you that the only place that baby can reach to get water is the toilet??'
The Efficiency Expert
An efficiency expert by the name of Arnie was delivering a seminar on time management for a company's junior executives. He concluded the session with a disclaimer: "Don't attempt these task-organizing tips at home," he said. "Why not?" he was asked. "Well, I did a study of my wife's routine of fixing breakfast," he replied, a little embarrassed. "I noticed she made a lot of trips between the refrigerator and the stove, the table and the cabinets, each time carrying only one item. So I asked her, 'Honey, I notice that you make a lot of trips back and forth carrying one item at a time. If you would try carrying several things at once you would be much more efficient.'" He paused. "Did that save time?" one of the executives asked. "Actually, yes," Arnie replied. "It used to take her twenty minutes to fix my breakfast. Now I get my own in just seven minutes."
Success
We used to play spin the bottle when I was a kid. A girl would spin the bottle and if it pointed to you when it stopped, the girl could either kiss you or give you a dime. By the time I was 14, I owned my own home."
The Shoplifter
This 80-year-old woman was arrested for shoplifting. When she went before the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?" She replied, "A can of peaches." The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches and she replied that she was hungry. The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied, "six." The judge then said, "I will then give you six days in jail." Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something. The judge said, "What is it?" The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas."
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