Friday's Funnies

The Chicken Hunt

The farmer's son was returning from the market with a crate of chickens his father had entrusted to him, when all of a sudden the box fell and broke open. Chickens scurried off in different directions, but the determined boy walked all over the neighborhood scooping up the wayward birds and returning them to the repaired crate. Hoping he had found them all, the boy reluctantly returned home, expecting the worst. "Pa, the chickens got loose," the boy confessed sadly, "but I managed to find all twelve of them." "Well, you've done a good job, son," the farmer beamed, "because you only left with seven."

You Know You Have A Bad Computer When...

Lower corner of screen has the words "etch a sketch" on it.

You have to pedal it.

The manual contains one sentence: "good luck!"

Only chip inside is a Dorito.

When you turn it on, the dogs in the neighborhood start howling.

You catch a virus from it.

The Symmetry Of Life

At age 4 success is . . . not wetting your pants.

At age 12 success is . . . having friends.

At age 17 success is . . . having a driver's license.

At age 35 success is . . . having money.

At age 50 success is . . . having money.

At age 70 success is . . . having a driver's license.

At age 75 success is . . . having friends.

At age 80 success is . . . not wetting your pants.

Ever Wonder .....

· Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

· Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

· Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?

· Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?

· Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'?

· Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

· Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

· Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

· Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

· Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

· Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

· You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!

· Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

The Real Problem

And we worry about Democrats versus Republicans? Relax, here is our real problem.

In a Florida State University classroom, they were discussing the qualifications to be President of the United States. It was pretty simple. The candidate must be a natural born citizen of at least 35 years of age. However, one girl in the class immediately started in on how unfair was the requirement to be a natural born citizen. In short, her opinion was that this requirement prevented many capable individuals from becoming president.

The class was taking it in and letting her rant, and not many jaws hit the floor when she wrapped up her argument by stating: "What makes a natural born citizen any more qualified to lead this country than one born by C-section?"

Yep, these are the same kind of 21-year-olds that vote. They breed and they walk among us...

GPS

The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth {it's red} phone I am supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once and was standing in line at Barnes and Noble talking to my wife and everyone in the nearest 50 yards was glaring at me. I had to take my hearing aid out to use it, and I got a little loud.

I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside that gadget was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, "Re-calculating." You would think that she could be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then if I made a right turn instead, well, it was not a good relationship.

When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets, and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy, the GPS lady, at least she loves me.

Grounded

Brendan had spent a week visiting his family in Kentucky. His sister-in-law and seven-year-old nephew went with him when he returned to the airport.

After verifying his seat number with the counter attendant, Brendan walked back to his relatives and stated that he’d have to wait an additional three hours in the airport.

“How come?,” his nephew asked. “My plane has been grounded,” Brendan explained.

“Grounded?” the little boy said. “I didn’t know planes had parents.”

Friday's Funnies

It Depends

A teacher said to her student, "William, if both of your parents were born in 1976, how old are they now?" After a few moments, William answered, "It depends." "It depends on what?" she asked. "It depends on whether you ask my father or my mother."

Things A Mom Would Never Say

"How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?"

"Yeah, I used to skip school a lot, too."

"Just leave all the lights on — it makes the house look more cheery."

"Let me smell that shirt — Yeah, it's good for another week."

"Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I'll be glad to feed and walk him every day."

"Well, if Ron's mamma says it's okay, that's good enough for me."

"The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It's not like I'm running a prison around here."

"I don't have a tissue with me — just use your sleeve."

"Don't bother wearing a jacket — the wind-chill is bound to improve."

Wedding Advice

At a wedding, the DJ polled the guests to see who had been married longest. The bride's grandparents took the honors. The DJ asked them: "What advice would you give to the newly-married couple?" The grandma said: "The three most important words in a marriage are, 'You're probably right.'" Everyone then looked at the grandpa for his answer. He, wisely, answered: "She's probably right."

World's Thinnest Books

Detroit - A Travel Guide

Everything Men Know About Women

Everything Women Know About Men

The Amish Phone Directory

The Engineer's Guide To Fashion

Actual Clumsy Ad Copy

• No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really repellent.

• We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

• For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

• Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.

• Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

• Dinner Special — Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.

• Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.

Perspective

Catching her in the act, I confronted our 3-year-old granddaughter, "Are you eating your little sister's grapes?" I demanded. "No," she innocently replied, "I'm helping her share."

Planning Ahead

One lazy Saturday morning the wife and I were quiet and thoughtful, sitting around the breakfast table when I said to her unexpectedly, "When I die, I want you to sell all my stuff, immediately." "Now why would you want me to do something like that?" she asked. "I figure a woman as fine as yourself would eventually remarry and I don't want some other jerk using my stuff." She looked at me intently and said, "What makes you think I'd marry another jerk?"

Heaven's Queues*

When everyone on earth was dead and waiting to enter Paradise, God appeared and said, "I want the men to make two lines. One line is for the men who were true heads of their household, and the other line for the men who were dominated by their wives. I want all the women to report to St. Peter." Soon, the women were gone, and there were two lines of men. The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was hundreds of miles long, and in the line of men who truly were heads of their household, there was only one man. God said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves, I created you to be the head of your household! You have been disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose! Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from him." God turned to the one man, "How did you manage to be the only one in this line"? The man replied, "My wife told me to stand here."

*Not to be understood as doctrinally correct.

The Creation

A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race appear?" The mother answered,"God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and so was all mankind made.." Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.. The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved."

The confused girl returned to her mother and said, " Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?" The mother answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his."

Playing house

A little girl and a little boy were at day care. The girl approaches the boy and says, “Hey Tommy, wanna play house?” He says, “Sure! What do you want me to do?” The girl replies, “I want you to communicate your thoughts.” “Communicate my thoughts?” said a bewildered Tommy. “I have no idea what that means.” The little girl smirks and says, “Perfect. You can be the husband.”

You Know When It's Time

"Why did you leave your last job?" "It was something my boss said." "What did he say?" "'You're fired!'"

Friday's Funnies

Watching & Waiting

A preacher was making a wooden trellis to support a climbing vine. As he was pounding away, he noticed that a little boy was watching him. The youngster did not say a word, so the preacher kept working. He was sure the lad would soon leave — but he didn't. The boy just kept watching. Pleased at the thought that his work was being admired, the preacher finally said, "Well, son, trying to pick up some pointers on carpentry work?" "Nope," he replied. "I'm just waiting to hear what a preacher says when he hits his thumb with a hammer."

Basic Math

In a grocery store a cashier held up a small dairy carton and yelled to a co-worker, "How much is half-and-half?" Without a moment's hesitation the other cashier replied, "One."

Watching Over Us

A speeding motorist was caught after being observed by an overhead police helicopter. An officer pulled him over and began to issue a traffic ticket. "How did you know I was speeding?" the frustrated driver asked. The police officer pointed somberly toward the sky. "You mean," asked the motorist, "even He is against me?"

Makes Sense

Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "In an emergency, notify..." I always put "A doctor."

Serving Notice

A ragged individual, stranded for several months on a small desert island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, noticed a bottle lying in the sand with a piece of paper in it. Rushing to the bottle, he pulled out the cork and with shaking hands withdrew the message: "Due to lack of activity," he read, "we regretfully have found it necessary to cancel your email account."

Perks of being over 55

Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

No one expects you to run into a burning building.

People call at 9 PM and ask, “Did I wake you?”

People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

Things you buy now won’t wear out.

You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.

You enjoy hearing about other people’s operations.

You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

You have a party and the neighbors don’t even realize it.

You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

You sing along with elevator music.

Your eyes won’t get much worse.

Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the National Weather Service.

Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them either.

Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.

Grandparents’ Answering Machine

Good morning. . . . At present we are not at home but, please leave your message after you hear the beep. Beeeeeppp …

1. If you are one of our children, dial 1 and then select the option from 1 to 5 in order of “arrival” so we know who it is.

2. If you need us to stay with the children, press 2.

3. If you want to borrow the car, press 3.

4. If you want us to wash your clothes and do the ironing, press 4.

5. If you want the grandchildren to sleep here tonight, press 5.

6. If you want us to pick up the kids at school, press 6.

7. If you want us to prepare a meal for Sunday or to have it delivered to your home, press 7.

8. If you want to come to eat here, press 8.

9. If you need money, dial 9.

If you are going to invite us to dinner, or, take us to a restaurant, start talking – we are listening.

With Regular Use

When asked her opinion on punctuality, an applicant for an office job assured me she thought it was extremely important. "I use periods, commas, and question marks all the time," she said.

Piece of advice

In promulgating your esoteric cogitations or articulating your superficial sentimentalities, and amicable philosophical or psychological observations, beware of platitudinous ponderosity. Let your conversational communications possess a compacted conciseness, a clarified comprehensibility, a coalescent cogency, and a concatenated consistency. Eschew obfuscation and all conglomeration of flatulent garrulity, and jejune babblement. Let your extemporaneous descantings and unpremeditated expatiations have intelligibility and voracious vivacity without rodomontade or thrasonical bombast. Sedulously avoid all polysyllabic profundity, pompous prolificacy, and vain vapid verbosity.

In short: “Be brief and don’t use big words.”