Friday's Funnies

Merry Christmas

How do sheep in Mexico say Merry Christmas?

Fleece Navidad

What do you get if you deep fry Santa Claus?

Crisp Cringle

Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?

You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit

What do you get if you cross an apple with a Christmas Tree?

A pineapple

What did the guest sing at the Eskimo Christmas Party?

Freeze a jolly good fellow

What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?

It's Christmas, Eve!

If athletes get athlete's foot, what do astronauts get?

Missletoe

If Santa Claus and Mrs. Claus had a child, what would he be called?

A subordinate claus

What do you have in December that you don't have in any other month?

The letter "D"

Why does Santa have 3 gardens?

So he can ho-ho-ho

Why was Santa's little helper depressed?

Because he had low elf esteem

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?

Frostbite

Knock Knock

Who's there?

Holly

Holly who?

Holly-days are here again!

Kindhearted

I just NEED to vent...I have had enough!!! I'll never help anyone again...EVER!!! I'm too kindhearted, or just stupid!  The other day it was so cold out that I took a man into my home out of the kindness of my heart. I felt so sorry for him. Poor thing looked about froze out there in the cold. Couldn't even talk or move. But the next morning he had just vanished. Not a word...no goodbye or even a thank you for sheltering him! The last straw was when I realized he had peed all over the living room floor! That's the thanks I get for being good to people???  I want to warn my friends to watch out for this man! He is heavy set, wearing nothing but a hat and scarf, he has a nose that looks like a carrot, two black eyes, and his arms are so skinny they look like sticks! Don't bring him into your house!! He will make a huge mess on the floor and then disappear!

A Few Nights Before Christmas

A few nights before Christmas, when all through the house

Not a creature was stirring, Just me and my mouse.

My shopping not done, I had flown to my chair.

I'd get on the Internet, and buy my gifts there!

"On Visa! On MasterCard, Amex! Discover!..."

Double click here! Buy one or the other!

Load up your shopping cart, away with the mall!

Now click away, click away, Click away, all!

I had finished my list, "That was easy," I thought,

"But how do I get all this stuff I just bought?"

I must have dozed off, when I heard such a clatter.

I arose with a start to see what was the matter.

I threw open the door... Is this some sort of trick?

The guy on the porch- "You must be St. Nick!"

"You wish," said the guy, "It's the UPS, you old coot.

Who else do you think could schlep all this loot?"

I thanked him again as he drove out of sight,

"Merry Christmas to all, And to all a good night!"

Today’s Thoughts

Three phrases that sum up Christmas are: Peace on Earth; Goodwill to Men; and Batteries not included.

You know you are getting old when Santa starts looking younger.

Christmas is weird. What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks? 

I know. I know. People say, "It's the thought that counts, not the gift," but couldn't people think a bit bigger?! 

Friday's Funnies

Name That Christmas Carol (QUIZ)

(Answers at the end)

1. Quadruped with crimson proboscis

2. 5 p.m. to 6 a.m. without noise

3. Miniscule hamlet in the far east

4. Ancient benevolent despot

5. Adorn the vestibule

6. Exuberance directed to the planet

7. Listen, aerial spirits harmonizing

8. Monarchial trio

9. Yonder in the haystack

10. Assemble, everyone who believes

11. Hallowed post meridian

12. Fantasies of a colorless December 25th

13. A dozen 24-hour Yule periods

14. Befell during the transparent bewitching hour

15. Homo sapien of crystallized vapor

16. I merely desire a pair of incisors

17. Perambulating through a December solstice fantasy

18. Aloft on the acme of the abode

19. It's fixin' to appear extremely similar to December 25th.

20. Boppin' while circling the tannenbaum...

21. O approach, y'all devoted happy and victorious...

22. Ah! The atmospheric condition beyond is terrific...

23. Ourselves bid yourselves a joyous Noel and a cheerful neoteric 365 days...

The Nativity

A handyman, who was working for a Synagogue, had asked for a raise and was turned down. He decided to quit and went out to look for work. First, he went to a Catholic church and was told that in order to work there he would have to answer one question. The priest asked, "Where was Jesus born?" The man answered, "Pittsburgh," and was thrown out on his ear. He then went to a Baptist church. The minister told him that in order to get the job there, he would have to answer a question: "Where was Jesus born?" The man answered, "Philadelphia." He was promptly tossed out. Walking away he met the rabbi who was looking for him. The rabbi told him, "The board approved your raise. Please come back immediately." But the man turned to the rabbi and said, "I will come back only if you answer a question. Where was Jesus born?" The rabbi says, "Bethlehem." "Of course!" cried the man. "I knew it was in Pennsylvania."

Walkin' in a Doggie Wonderland

Dog tags ring, are you listenin'?

In the lane, snow is glistenin'.

It's yellow, NOT white, I've been there tonight, Marking up my winter wonderland.

Smell that tree? That's my fragrance.

It's a sign for wandering vagrants;

"Avoid where I pee, it's MY pro-per-ty!

Marked up as my winter wonderland."

In the meadow dad will build a snowman,

Following the classical design.

Then I'll lift my leg and let it go, man, So all the world will know that it's Mine-mine-mine!

Straight from me to the fence post,

Flows my natural incense boast;

"Stay off my turf, this small piece of earth, I marked it as my winter wonderland."

ANSWERS:

1. Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer

2. Silent Night

3. O' Little Town of Bethlehem

4. Good King Wenceslas (or some say Jolly Old St. Nicholas)

5. Deck the Halls

6. Joy to the World

7. Hark the Herald Angels Sing

8. We Three Kings

9. Away in a Manger

10. Come All Ye Faithful

11. O Holy Night

12. I'm Dreaming of a White Christmas

13. The Twelve Days of Christmas

14. It Came Upon a Midnight Clear

15. Frosty the Snowman

16. All I Want for Christmas is My Two Front Teeth

17. Walking Through a Winter Wonderland

18. Up on the Rooftop

19. It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas... "It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas"

20. Rockin' 'round the Christmas tree...

21. Oh come all ye faithful, joyful and triumphant... "Oh Come All Ye Faithful"

22. Oh, the weather outside is frightful... "Let it Snow"

23. We wish you a merry Christmas and a happy new year.... "We wish you a Merry Christmas"

Silent Night?

Little Johnny ran up to his uncle's chair. "Uncle, tell me again - what do you want for Christmas?"  The uncle smiled and repeated, "I just want some peace and quiet."  Johnny's face drooped a bit as he replied, "I know, but I just came back from the mall and they're out of it!"

Today’s Thought

Christmas is a race to see which gives out first - your money or your feet.

Friday's Funnies

The New Shawl for Christmas

I've always wanted a beautiful shawl to wear with my winter dresses. So when I opened the present from my sister Wanda, and saw that it was a white-and-silver shawl, I squealed in delight. "I love it!" I told Wanda that evening. "I wore it all morning." "You wore it?" she asked, smiling. "It's a skirt for the Christmas tree."

All I Need To Know I Learned From Santa

1. Encourage people to believe in you.

2. Always remember who's naughty and who's nice.

3. Don't pout.

4. It's as much fun to give as it is to receive.

5. Some days it's okay to feel a little chubby.

6. Make your presents known.

7. Bright red can make anyone look good.

8. Wear a wide belt and no-one will notice how many pounds you've gained.

9. If you only show up once a year, everyone will think you're very important.

10. Whenever you're at a loss for words, say "HO, HO, HO!"

Fruitcake Recipe

I have a fruitcake that has been in my family for several years. Apparently, my family saves them for the following year and gives them as a gift to someone else. That's how the fruitcake that I gave my mother four years ago finally made its way back into my hands. (Mom gave it to brother, brother gave it to sister, then sister gave it to me).

Since the fruitcake tradition appears to be unstoppable, this year I've decided to replace our family's fruitcake with a more durable one which we will cherish for years.

Items Needed:

4 oz. Fruit Bits

1 Railroad Tie

Wood Saw

Large Rubber Mallet

Safety Goggles

WEAR YOUR SAFETY GOGGLES. (Children, get help from an adult!)

Cut a one-foot section from the middle of your railroad tie. The resulting block of wood should be around the size and shape of a loaf of bread.

Then take some fruit bits and pound them into the block with your rubber mallet. Spread the colors around, or you might wind up with an ugly fruitcake. Don't be afraid to throw some elbow grease into that mallet! Good fruit bits should be much harder than the railroad tie, so you can't break anything.

For best result, you should pre-treat the fruit bits by setting them on top of your garage for a year (or by microwaving them on HIGH for 30 minutes).

Finally, cover it tightly in plastic wrap, and give your loved ones the timeless and enduring gift of fruitcake.

Christmas Gift

A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas.  A friend of his said, "I thought she wanted one of those pretty 4-wheel drive vehicles?"  "She did," he replied, "But where in the world was I going to find a fake jeep!!"

Christmas Quiz

What do elves learn in school?

The Elf-abet

Did you hear that one of Santa's reindeer now works for Proctor and Gamble?

It’s true, Comet cleans sinks

How many reindeer does Santa Have???

10 (named below)

Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen Rudolph (the one with the red nose) Olive (Olive the other reindeer)

What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmastime?

Sandy Claws!

Who is never hungry at Christmas?

The turkey, - he is always stuffed.

What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?

Claustrophobic.

What do you get if you cross Father Christmas with a detective?

Santa Clues!

A woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.

Clerk: "What denomination?"

Woman: "Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this? Well, give me 50 Baptist and 50 Catholic."

What do snowmen eat for breakfast?

Snowflakes.

Why does Scrooge love Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer?

Because every buck is dear to him.

Today’s Thought

They announced that in Minnesota they found a mass grave of snowmen. Turned out just to be a field of carrots.

Friday Funnies

Please Log On

I do system support in a law firm. The other day I had to log a user off and then back on. I entered her initials and then she just gave me her password (Rule No. 1 broken). Her password is "genius".  After three tries and the system telling me "access denied," I asked her how to spell it.  She said, "G - E - N - I - O - U - S."  There's one in every crowd.

Late

An urgent call was put in for a plumber at noon but he didn't arrive until 5 hours later.  "How is it?" he asked entering the house.  "Not so bad," replied the home owner. "While we were waiting for you to arrive, I taught my wife how to swim."

Grandpa's Manners

"Grandpa, I'm really proud of you," said the modish young lady. "What's to be proud of?" asked the old man. The young lady replied, "I noticed that when you sneeze, you've learned to put your hand in front of your mouth." "Of course," explained Grandpa. "How else can I catch my teeth???"

Horse Breeder

A Kentucky horse breeder had a filly that won every race in which she was entered, but as she got older she became very temperamental.  He soon found that when he raced her in the evening, she would win handily, but when she raced during the day she would come in dead last.  He consulted the top veterinarians and horse psychologists to no avail.  He finally had to give up because it had become a real night mare.

Silent Burglar

A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.  "You'll get your chance in court," said the Desk Sergeant.  "No, no, no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"

You Might Be A College Student If...

..you have ever price shopped for Top Ramen.
..you live in a house with three couches, none of which match.
..you consider Mac and Cheese a balanced meal.
..you have ever written a check for 45 cents.
..you get more e-mail than snail mail.
..you have ever seen two consecutive sunrises without sleeping.
..your glass set is composed of McDonald's Extra Value Meal Plastic Cups (e.g., Olympic Dream Team).
..your underwear supply dictates the time between laundry loads.
..you cannot remember when you last washed your car.
..you can pack your worldly possessions into the back of a pick-up (one trip).
..you live in an area that is smaller than most mobile homes.
..you average less than 3 hours of sleep a night.
..your trash is overflowing and your bank account isn't.
..you go to Target/Wal-Mart more than 3 times a week.

..you are personally keeping the local pizza place from bankruptcy.
..you wake up 10 minutes before class.
..you wear the same jeans 13 days in a row -- without washing them.
..your breakfast consists of a Coke on the way to class.
..your social life consists of a date with the library.
..your idea of "doing your hair" is putting on a baseball cap.
..it takes a shovel to find the floor of your room.
..you carry less than a dollar on you at all times because that's all you have.
..you haven't done laundry in so long you are wearing your swimsuit to class.
..your midnight snack is microwave popcorn.
..you celebrate when you find a quarter.
..your room is so cold that your toilet freezes over.
..you wear a sweat suit for so long that it stands up by itself.
..your backpack is giving you Scoliosis.
..you get more sleep in class than in your room.
..your idea of feeding the poor is buying yourself some Ramen Noodles.
..you can sleep through your roommate's blaring stereo.

Interview

The interviewer greets the next applicant for the job of night watchman.  His first question is: "What are your qualifications for the job of night watchman?" The applicant replies, "The slightest noise wakes me up."

Only Two Parachutes

A lawyer, a priest, and a young boy were in a plane that was going to crash, yet they only had 2 parachutes. The lawyer proclaimed that since he was the smartest man on the plane, that he deserved to survive. He took a chute and jumped.  The priest looked and the young boy, and reflecting back on his life, told the young boy to take the last parachute since he had already lived a wonderful and full life.  The boy replied, "You can have the other chute because the smartest man on this plane just jumped out with my book bag!"

Warning Signs That You Need A New Doctor

* The patient before you was a goat.
* Instead of anesthetic he has you watch PBS.
* He has an assistant named Igor.
* The local bar association named him "Client of the Year."
* Whenever he leaves the room his nurse makes duck noises.
* During surgery he has to keep repeating that "thigh bone connected to the knee bone" song.
* Mike Wallace and a film crew are hanging out in his waiting room.
* He asks you to turn your head and cough during an eye exam.
* You can beat him in a game of Operation.
* All his Medical books are from the Time-Life "Do-it-Yourself Series."

Today’s Thought

He ate so much over the holidays that he decided to quit cold turkey.

Friday's Funnies

Impressed

I called a friend and asked what he was doing.  He replied that he was working on "aqua-thermal treatment of ceramics, aluminum, and steel under a constrained environment."  I was impressed...  Upon further inquiring, I learned that he was washing dishes with hot water under his wife's supervision.

Wisdom of Solomon

Six housewives living in the same apartment building fell into a dispute of such magnitude that it resulted in their being hauled into court. When the case was called, they all made a concerted rush for the bench; and reaching it, all broke into bitter complaints at the same moment. The judge sat momentarily stunned as charges and counter-charges filled the air. Suddenly he rapped for order. When quiet had been restored, the patient magistrate said gently, "Now, I'll hear the oldest first." Silence. Case dismissed.

Quiet Time

It was a hectic day of running errands with my wife and son. As if the stress weren't enough, four-year-old Christopher insisted on asking questions about everything, told me how to drive better, and sang every song he knew. Finally, fed up with the incessant chatter, I made him an offer: "Christopher, if you'll be quiet for just a few minutes, I'll give you a quarter." It worked. But when we stopped for lunch, I unthinkingly began to harp on him. "Christopher, sit up straight ... don't spill your drink ... don't talk with your mouth full." Finally he said quite seriously, "Dad, if you'll be quiet for just a few minutes, I'll give you a quarter."

The Perfect Response

The telephone solicitor selling basement waterproofing must have thought she'd died and gone to heaven when she reached my very polite and patient son on the phone. At the end of her long sales pitch, she asked, "Do you mind if we send out someone to give you an estimate?" "Not at all," my son said. "When would be a good time?" she asked. My son answered, "Just as soon as I dig a basement."

Beautiful Name Tag

Our favorite restaurant has a waitress whose name-tag reads "Beautiful."  "Is that really your name?" I asked her.  "No" she admitted. "But if people are going to holler at me all day, I can at least be called something I like."

The New Dog

A Baptist preacher and his wife decided to get a new dog. Ever mindful of the congregation, they knew the dog must also be a Baptist. They visited kennel after kennel and explained their needs. Finally, they found a kennel whose owner assured them he had just the dog they wanted. The owner brought the dog to meet the pastor and his wife. 'Fetch the Bible,' he commanded. The dog bounded to the bookshelf, scrutinized the books, located the Bible, and brought it to the owner. 'Now find Psalm 23,' he commanded. The dog dropped the Bible to the floor, and showing marvelous dexterity with his paws, leafed through and finding the correct passage, pointed to it with his paw. The pastor and his wife were very impressed and purchased the dog. That evening, a group of church members came to visit. The pastor and his wife began to show off the dog, having him locate several Bible verses. The visitors were very impressed. One man asked, 'Can he do regular dog tricks, too?' 'I haven't tried yet,' the pastor replied. He pointed his finger at the dog. 'HEEL!' the pastor commanded. The dog immediately jumped on a chair, placed one paw on the pastor's forehead and began to howl. The pastor looked at his wife in shock and said, 'Good grief! He's Pentecostal!

Punny

Q: What time do ducks wake up in the morning?
A: At the quack of dawn.

Q: What kind of snack do little monkeys have with their milk?
A: Chocolate chimp cookies.

Q: What do you get when you cross a pig and a centipede?
A: Bacon and legs.

Q: What's a cat's favorite breakfast?
A: Mice Krispies.

Q: What do whale's like to chew?
A: Blubber gum.

Q: How does a lion like his steak?
A: Medium roar.

Q: What do frogs eat with their hamburgers?
A: French flies.

Q: What do cats like on their hot dogs?
A: Mouse-tard.

Q: What is a little's dog's favorite drink?
A: Pupsi-cola.

Job Interview

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"  The Engineer replies, "In the region of $325,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."  The interviewer enquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-week vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years say, a red Corvette?"  The Engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?"  And the interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."

Today’s Thought

How come abbreviated is such a long word?

Friday's Funnies

Skydiving

A man decided to try skydiving. The instructor was telling the class that the main chute should be deployed at 500 feet. If that didn't work be sure to open the backup chute by 400 feet.  One student asked, "How long do you have if neither chute works before you land?"  The instructor replied, "The rest of your life."

Interesting

When you're sick, the advice you get is to literally do drugs and stay out of school."

"It's crazy that something like a Walmart gift card is printed on plastic, but my social security card is printed on the flimsiest piece of paper I've ever handled."

"The object of golf is to play the least amount of golf."

Seeing Eye to Eye

A man and woman are having marriage problems and decide to end their union after a very short time together. After a most brief attempt to reconcile, the couple goes to court to finalize their break-up.  The judge asks the husband, "What has brought you to the point that you are now at, where you are not able to keep this marriage together?"  The husband says, "In the six weeks we've been together, we haven't been able to agree on one thing.”  The wife says, "Seven weeks."

Facebook Name

Just changed my Facebook name to 'No one', so when I see stupid posts I can click like and it will say 'No one likes this'.

Driver’s Permit

A young teen had just gotten his driver's permit and inquired of his father, a pastor, if they could discuss the use of the car.  His father took him into his study and said to the teen, "I'll make a deal with you, son. You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible more, get your hair cut, and we'll talk about the car."  Well, the teen thought about it for a moment and decided he would settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.  After about 6 weeks, the boy came back and again asked his father about using the car.  Again, they went to the study, where his father said, "Son, I'm real proud of you. You brought your grades up, and I've observed that you've been studying your Bible more, and participating a lot more in the Bible study class on Sunday morning. But, I'm real disappointed, since you haven't gotten your hair cut."  The young man paused a moment, and then said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there's even a strong argument that Jesus had long hair."  His father replied, "You're right son. Did you also notice that they all walked everywhere they went?"

Life's Unanswered Questions

Why do "cool" and "hot" mean the same thing?

Why do people squint when they can't see? Wouldn't that just make it less space to see out of?

Why do we have to pay a toll on "freeways"?

Why do we call it pepperoni if there is no pepper in it?

How old does something have to be to become an antique?

Why do they say "an alarm’s going off" if it's really going on?

How come French fries are not considered a vegetable, they are just deep fried potatoes?

Why is Joey short for Joe, when Joey has more letters?

How come toy hippos are always blue, or purple, when real hippos are brown?

Have ex-bankers become disinterested?

Why is it called 'after dark', when it is really after light?

How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?

Why Study?

The more I study

The more I know

The more I know

The more I forget

The more I forget

The less I know

So why study?

Where Did I Come From?

One day our little niece Rita went up to her mother and asked, "Mom, where did I come from?"  My sister in law stammered a bit, but finally got her composure.  She thought it was time her daughter knew the facts of life. So, she told Little Rita how the expression of love resulted in the beginning of life, how life developed in the womb and finally how a child was born. As my sister in law gave the whole story, Rita's eyes got wider and wider.  When she was finished, Little Rita said "Wow, that's really neat. That sure beats what Uncle Rusty told me. He said that he came from Pennsylvania."

Hotel Noise

"This hotel stinks!" a guest complained when he showed up at the front desk to check out.  "What's wrong?" I asked. "I got no sleep. Every 15 minutes this loud banging sound woke me up!"  I apologized for the noise and checked him out.  A few minutes later, a couple showed up. Again, I made the mistake of asking how their stay was.  "Terrible!" They said. "The guy in the next room was snoring so loudly that we had to bang on the wall every 15 minutes to wake him up!"

Today’s Thought

Growing old is inevitable; growing up is optional.

Friday's Funnies

Frozen Food Labeling

I have changed my system for labeling homemade freezer meals. I used to carefully note in large clear letters, "Meatloaf" or "Pot Roast" or "Steak and Vegetables or "Chicken and Dumplings" or "Beef Pot Pie."  However, I used to get frustrated when I asked my husband what he wanted for dinner because he never asked for any of those things. So, I decided to stock the freezer with what he really likes.  If you look in my freezer now you'll see a whole new set of labels. You'll find dinners with neat little tags that say: "Whatever," "Anything," "I Don't Know," "I Don't Care," "Something Good," or "Food." Now no matter what my husband replies with when I ask him what he wants for dinner, I know that it is there waiting.

The Bible

There was this Christian lady that had to do a lot of traveling for her business, so she did a lot of flying.  But flying made her nervous so she always took her Bible along with her to read and it helped relax her.  One time she was sitting next to a man.  When he saw her pull out her Bible he gave a little chuckle and went back to what he was doing.  After a while, he turned to her and asked: "You don't really believe all that stuff in there do you?"  The lady replied "Of course I do. It is the Bible."  He said "Well what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale?  She replied "Oh, Jonah. Yes, I believe that, it is in the Bible."  He asked, "Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?"  The lady said "Well I don't really know. I guess when I get to heaven I will ask him."  "What if he isn't in heaven?" the man asked sarcastically.  "Then you can ask him." replied the lady.

Way Professors Grade Their Exams

DEPT OF STATISTICS:
- All grades are plotted along the normal bell curve.

DEPT OF PSYCHOLOGY:
- Students are asked to blot ink in their exam books, close them and turn them in. The professor opens the books and assigns the first grade that comes to mind.

DEPT OF HISTORY:
- All students get the same grade they got last year.

DEPT OF PHILOSOPHY:
- What is a grade?

LAW SCHOOL:
- Students are asked to defend their position of why they should receive an A.

DEPT OF MATHEMATICS:
- Grades are variable.

DEPT OF LOGIC:
- If and only if the student is present for the final and the student has accumulated a passing grade then the student will receive an A else the student will not receive an A.

DEPT OF COMPUTER SCIENCE:
- Random number generator determines grade.

MUSIC DEPARTMENT:
- Each student must figure out his grade by listening to the instructor play the corresponding note (+ and - would be sharp and flat respectively).

DEPT OF PHYSICAL EDUCATION:
- Everybody gets an A.

Three Wishes

A sales rep, an administration clerk and their manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a genie comes out in a puff of smoke.  The genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."  "Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone.  In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone.  "Okay, you're up," the genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."  Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.

Top Signs You're Bored at Work

You've already read the entire Dilbert page-a-day calendar for the year.

You discover that staring at your cubicle wall long enough produces images of Elvis.

You've figured out a way to get Gilligan off the island.

You decide to see how many Mountain Dews you can drink before the inevitable explosion occurs.

People come into your office only to borrow pencils from your ceiling.

You now require only a single can of cola to belch the names of all seven Dwarfs.

The 4th Division of Paperclips has overrun the Pushpin Infantry, and General White-Out has called for reinforcements.

Aging

An older couple is lying in bed one morning, having just awakened from a good night's sleep. He takes her hand and she responds, "Don't touch me."  "Why not?" he asks.  She answers back, "Because I'm dead."  The husband says, "What are you talking about? We're both lying here in bed together and talking to one another."  She says, "No, I'm definitely dead."  He insists, "You're not dead. What in the world makes you think you're dead?"  "Because I woke up this morning and nothing hurts."

Today’s Though

Money talks...but all mine ever says is goodbye.

Friday's Funnies

Doctors Meeting

A group of psychiatrists were attending a convention. Four of them decided to leave, and walked out together. One said to the other three, "People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears, but we have no one that we can go to when we have problems." The others agreed.  Then one said, "Since we are all professionals, why don't we take some time right now to hear each other out?"  The other three agreed.  The first then confessed, "I have an uncontrollable desire to kill my patients."  The second psychiatrist said, "I love expensive things and so I find ways to cheat my patients out of their money whenever I can so I can buy the things I want."  The third followed with, "I'm involved with selling drugs and often get my patients to sell them for me."  The fourth psychiatrist then confessed, "I know I'm not supposed to, but no matter how hard I try, I can't keep a secret..."

Football Fan

A football fan is someone who'll yell at the quarterback for not spotting an open receiver forty-five yards down the field...and then head to the parking lot and not be able to find their own car.

Man of the House

He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law!  I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you are going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"  His wife replied, "The funeral director would be my guess."

Prayer

A lady hurried to the pharmacy to get medication, got back to her car, and found that she had locked her keys inside. She found an old rusty coat hanger on the ground, but she didn’t know how to use it to open the door. She bowed her head and asked God to send her some help. Within 5 minutes, a beat-up old motorcycle pulled up, driven by a bearded man wearing an old biker skull rag. He asked if he could help. She said, “Yes, my daughter is sick. I’ve locked my keys in my car, and I must get home. Please, can you use this coat hanger to open my car door?"  He said, “Sure.” He walked over to her car and, in less than 2 minutes, had the door open. She hugged the man and, through tears, softly said, “Thank you, God, for sending me such a nice man.” The man heard her little prayer and said, “Lady, I’m not a nice man. I just got out of prison. I was in for auto theft.” The woman hugged him again and sobbed, “Thank you, God! You even sent me a professional!”

Offering

A minister in a little church announced: "Before we pass the collection plate, I would like to request that the person who stole the chickens from Brother Martin's hen house please refrain from giving any money to the Lord.  The Lord doesn't want money from a thief!"  The collection plate was passed around, and for the first time in months everybody gave.

Surgeon and Architect

An architect watched a mechanic remove engine parts from his car to get to the valves. A surgeon, waiting for his car to be repaired, walked over to observe the process. After they introduced themselves, they began talking, and the talk turned to their lines of work.  "You know, doctor," said the architect, "I sometimes believe this type of work is as complicated as the work we do."  "Perhaps," the surgeon replied. "But let's see him do it while the engine is running."

Life

On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past.  For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."  The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

And God saw it was good.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."  The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"

And God, again saw it was good.

On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."  The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed it was good.

On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."  But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"  "Okay," said God, "You asked for it."  So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves.  For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family.  For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren.   And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

Ticket

"What am I supposed to do with this?" grumbled a motorist as the policeman handed him a speeding ticket. "Keep it," the cop said, "when you collect four of them you get a bicycle."

Today’s Thought

I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.

Friday's Funnies

Hearing Check

An old man was wondering if his wife had a hearing problem. So one night, he stood behind her while she was sitting in her lounge chair. He spoke softly to her, "Honey, can you hear me?"  There was no response.  He moved a little closer and said again, "Honey, can you hear me?"  Still, there was no response.  Finally, he moved right behind her and said, "Honey, can you hear me?"  She replied, "For the third time, Yes!"

Wise Beyond His Years

A teacher was finishing up a lesson on the joys of discovery and the importance of curiosity. "Where would we be today," she asked, "if no one had ever been curious?" One child quietly spoke up from the back of the room, "In the garden of Eden."

Women

Message by a wife: Dear Mother-in-law, don’t teach me how to handle my children. I am living with one of yours and he needs a lot of improvement!?

When a married man says, I WILL THINK ABOUT IT - what he really means is that he doesn't know his wife's opinion yet.

Why do women live a better, longer & more peaceful Life, compared to men? A very intelligent student replied: 'Because women don't have a wife!'

Dead Or Alive

There was once an aspiring veterinarian who put himself through veterinary school working nights as a taxidermist.  Upon graduation, he decided he could combine his two vocations to better serve the needs of his patients and their owners, while doubling his practice and, therefore, his income. He opened his own offices with a sign on the door saying, "Dr Jones, Veterinary Medicine and Taxidermy - either way, you get your dog back." 

Walk On Water

Dewey heard that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all walked on water on their 21st birthdays.  So, on his 21st birthday, Dewey and his big brother Damon, headed out to the lake. "If they did it, I can too!" he insisted.  When Dewey and Damon arrived at the lake, they rented a canoe and began paddling. When they got to the middle of the lake, Dewey stepped off of the side of the boat... and nearly drowned.  Furious and somewhat embarrassed, he and Damon headed for home.  When Dewey arrived back at the family home, he asked his grandmother for an explanation. "Grandma, why can't I walk on water like my father, and his father, and his father before him?"  His sweet old grandmother took Dewey by the hand, looked into his eyes, and explained, "That's because your father, grandfather, and great-grandfather were born in January, you were born in June, dear."

Tech Support

Tech: "Hello, this is tech support. What can I help you with today?"

User: (describes problem)

Tech: (rattles off computer jargon)

User: "Sorry, I don't understand. Can you explain what I should do as if I were a small child?"

Tech: "Okay: 'Hi, could you please put your mommy on the phone?'"

Perspective

A little girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap as he read her a bedtime story. From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek. She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again. Finally she spoke up, "Grandpa, did God make you?" "Yes, sweetheart," he answered, "God made me a long time ago." "Oh," she paused, "Grandpa, did God make me too?" "Yes, indeed, honey," he said, "God made you just a little while ago." Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, "God's getting better at it, isn't he?"

Long Sermon

A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"

The Flying Blondes

There were two blondes going to California for the summer, they are about two hours into the flight and the pilot gets on the intercom and says. "We just lost an engine but it is all right we have three more but it will take us an hour longer.  A half hour later he gets on the intercom again and says. "We just lost another engine but it's all right. We have two more. It will take us another half hour though."  One of the blondes says, "If we lose the two last engines, we will be up here all day?"

You Know You Need A New Lawyer When...

- The prosecutor sees your lawyer in the hall, and they high-five each other.
- During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway.
- He tells you that his last good case was a "Budweiser."
- He picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose."
- During the trial you catch him playing his Gameboy.
- Every couple of minutes he yells, "I call Jack Daniels to the stand!" and proceeds to drink a shot.
- Just before he says "Your Honor," he makes those little quotation marks in the air with his fingers.
- Whenever his objection is overruled, he tells the judge, "Whatever."
- He giggles every time he hears the word "briefs."
- He keeps citing the legal case of Godzilla v. Mothra.
- He begins closing arguments with, "As Ally McBeal once said..."

Today’s Thought

A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

Friday's Funnies

Searching For A Snack

The husband had an annoying habit of searching through the refrigerator for a snack, usually while his wife was preparing a meal.  Once, after he had gone through this routine for the third time in as many minutes, she snapped, "Nothing's any different than it was a minute ago."  "I know that," he assured her. "It's just that this time I've lowered my standards."

Priorities

While flying from Denver to Kansas City, Kansas, my mother was sitting across the aisle from a woman and her eight-year-old son. Mom couldn't help laughing as they neared their destination and she heard the mother say to the boy, "Now remember -- run to Dad first, then the dog."

From The Heart

As my five year old son and I were headed out for some fast food one day, we passed a car accident. Usually when we see something terrible like that, we say a prayer for those who might be hurt, so I pointed and said to my son, "We should pray." From the back seat I heard his earnest request: "Please, God, don't let those cars block the entrance to McDonald's."

Smart Dog

A wife says to her husband one weekend morning, "We've got such a clever dog. He brings in the daily newspapers every morning."  Her husband replied "Well, lots of dogs can do that."  The wife responded, " But we've never subscribed to any papers!"

Actual Call Center Conversations

Customer: 'I've been calling 700-1000 for two days and can't get through can you help?'

Operator: 'Where did you get that number, sir?'

Customer: 'It's on the door of your business.'

Operator: 'Sir, those are the hours that we are open.'

Samsung Electronics

Caller: 'Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?'

Operator: 'I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about.'

Caller: 'On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?'

Operator: 'I think it means the telephone plug on the wall.

RAC Motoring Services

Caller: 'Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am traveling in Australia?'

Operator: 'Does the policy name give you a clue?'

Caller (inquiring about legal requirements while traveling in Europe )

'If I register my car in France , and then take it to England , do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?'

Directory Inquiries

Caller: 'I'd like the number of the Argo Fish Bar, please'

Operator: 'I'm sorry, there's no listing. Are you sure that the spelling is correct?'

Caller: 'Well, it used to be called the Bargo Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off.'

Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.

Operator: 'Woven? Are you sure?'

Caller: 'Yes.. That's what it says on the label -- Woven in Scotland ...

On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator:

'I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on.'

 Tech Support: 'I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop.'

Customer: 'OK..'

Tech Support: 'Did you get a pop-up menu?'

Customer: 'No.'

Tech Support: 'OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?'

Customer: 'No.'

Tech Support: 'OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?'

Customer: 'Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click' .'

Tech Support: 'OK. At the bottom left hand side of your screen, can

you see the 'OK' button displayed?'

Customer: 'Wow! How can you see my screen from there?'

Caller: 'I deleted a file from my PC last week and I just realized that I need it.

So, if I turn my system clock back two weeks will I get my file back again?'

Near Death Experience

A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.  While on the operating table she had a near death experience.  Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?" God said, "No, you have another 40 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."  Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.  After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.  Arriving in front of God (again), she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years. Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"  God replied, "Sorry about that, I just didn't recognize you!"

Checking Account

Jim's beautiful, blonde wife was having trouble mastering the fine points of balancing the checking account.  "The bank returned the check you wrote to the department store," he said.  "Good," she replied. "Now I can use it to buy something else."

Today’s Thought

Age is a question of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn't matter. 

Friday's Funnies

Wedding Tears

During my brother's wedding, my mother managed to keep from crying until she glanced at my grandparents.  My grandmother had reached over to my grandfather's wheelchair and gently touched his hand.  That was all it took to start my mother's tears flowing.  After the wedding, Mom went over to my grandmother and told her how that tender gesture triggered her outburst.  "Well, I'm sorry to ruin your moment," Grandmother replied, "but I was just checking to see if he was still alive."

Two Airheads At A Gas Station

Airhead #1: "These prices are awful. They just keep going higher!"

Airhead #2: "It doesn't affect me at all; I always put in just $20 worth."

Fearless Captain

Once upon a time, long ago, there lived a sailor named Captain Bravo. He was a manly man's man, who showed no fear when facing his enemies.  One day, while sailing the Seven Seas, his lookout spotted a pirate ship, and the crew became frantic.  Captain Bravo bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!" The first mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, and while wearing the brightly colored frock, the Captain led his crew into battle and defeated the pirates.  That evening, all the men sat around on the deck recounting the day's triumph. One of them asked the Captain, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before battle?"  The captain replied, "If I am wounded in the attack, the shirt will not show my blood. Thus, you men will continue to fight, unafraid."  All of the men sat in and marveled at the courage of such a manly man's man.  As dawn came the next morning, the lookout spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirate ships approaching. The crew stared in worshipful silence at the captain and waited for his usual orders.  Captain Bravo gazed with steely eyes upon the vast armada arrayed against his ship, and without fear, turned and calmly shouted, "Get me my brown pants!"

Laughing Prayer

A good friend was waiting nearby while his young son prayed silently before going to bed. Suddenly the boy burst out laughing.  "Reggie!" scolded his father, "Why are you laughing during prayer?"  "But Dad," the boy answered, "you told me that prayer is talking to God as to a friend, and I just told him a joke."

Call The Pastor

A pastor assured his congregation he was their servant and that they should feel free to call him anytime they had a problem.  That night the pastor's phone rang at 3 a.m. On the other end was a dear elderly lady who said, "Pastor, I can't sleep."  "I’m so sorry to hear that," he comforted her.  "But what can I do about it?" the pastor said.  She sweetly replied, "Preach to me a while, pastor."

Cop Quotes

"The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."

"And if you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

"So, you don't know how fast you were going. Well, I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

"Warning! You want a warning? Okay, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you ANOTHER ticket."

"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?"

"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

"Life's tough, it's tougher if you're stupid."

"No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."

"Just how big were those two beers?"

Occupation

"What's your father's occupation?" asked the school secretary on the first day of the new academic year. "He's a magician, ma'am" said Little Johnny. "How interesting. What's his favorite trick?" "He saws people in half." "Wow! Now, next question. Any brothers or sisters?" "One half brother and two half sisters."

Hunters

Two guys are out hunting, and as they are walking along they came upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed at the size of it.  The first hunter says, "Wow, that's some hole; I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is?"  The second hunter says," I don't know. Let's throw something down there, listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."  The first hunter says, "Hey, there's an old automobile transmission over there. Give me a hand, we'll throw it in and see."  So they pick it up and carry it over and count one, two, three and heave it in the hole. They are standing there listening, looking over the edge, when they hear a rustling behind them. As they turn around, they see a goat come crashing through the underbrush, run up to the hole and, without hesitation, jump in headfirst.  While they are standing there staring at each other in amazement, trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer saunters up. "Say there," says the farmer, "You fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?"  The first hunter says, "Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doing about a hundred miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this here hole!!"   The old farmer said, "Naw, that's impossible...I had him chained to a transmission.”

Today’s Thought

Love thy neighbor - tune thy piano.

Friday's Funnies

Grandmother

A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph's Hospital and she timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"  The operator responded, "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the patient's name and room number?"  The grandmother in her weak tremulous voice said, "Norma Findlay, Room 302."  The operator replied, "Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse."  After a few minutes the operator returned to the phone, "Oh, good news. Her nurse has told me that Norma is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal. And her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged Tuesday."  The grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful. I was so worried! God bless you for the good news."  The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"  The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one tells me anything."

Ancient Pages

A little boy opened the large old family Bible, and he looked with fascination at the ancient pages as he turned them one by one. He was still in Genesis when something fell out of the Bible. He picked it up and looked at it closely. It was a very large old tree leaf that had been pressed between the pages of the Bible long ago. "Momma, look what I found!" the boy called out. "What do you have there?" his mother asked. With astonishment in his voice, the young boy answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"

Logic

A fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson in logic.  "Here is the situation," she said. "A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help. His wife hears the commotion, knows he can't swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank?"  A girl raised her hand and asked, "To withdraw all his money from his savings account?"

Husbands and Wives

After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you."  She replied, " Yes, dear, but I was in love, and didn't notice."

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A lady placed an ad in the classifieds: "Husband wanted."  The next day she received a hundred letters.  They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

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The bride, upon her engagement, went to her mother and said, "I've found a man just like father!"  Her mother replied, "So what do you want from me, sympathy?"

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When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge, than to let her keep him.

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Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.

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A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "Don't know son, I'm still paying."

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Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"  Dad: "That happens in every country, son."

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Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was, until I got married ... and then it was too late."

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A woman was telling her friend, "I made my husband a millionaire,"  "And what was he before you married him?", asked the friend.  The woman replied, "A billionaire."

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Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life, thinking they had no faults at all.

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The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday, is to forget it once.

Offering

A little child in church for the first time watched as the ushers passed the offering plates.  When they neared the pew where he sat, the youngster piped up so that everyone could hear: "Don't pay for me Daddy, I'm under five."

Avid Hunter

It was Saturday morning as Jake, an avid hunter, woke up raring to go bag the first deer of the season. He walks down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise he finds his wife, Alice, sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage.  Jake asks her: "What are you up to?"  Alice smiles: "I'm going hunting with you!"  Jake, though he has many reservations about this, reluctantly decides to take her along.  Three hours later they arrive at a game preserve just outside of San Marcos, Texas.  Jake sets his lovely wife safely up in the tree stand and tells her: "If you see a deer, take careful aim on it and I'll come running back as soon as I hear the shot."  Jake walks away with a smile on his face knowing that Alice couldn't bag an elephant -- much less a deer.  Not 10 minutes pass when he is startled as he hears an array of gunshots. Quickly, Jake starts running back.  As Jake gets closer to her stand, he hears Alice screaming: "Get away from my deer!"  Confused and frightened Jake races faster towards his screaming wife. And again he hears her yell, "Get away from my deer!" followed by another volley of gunfire!  Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Jake is surprised to see a cowboy, with his hands high in the air.  The cowboy, obviously distraught, says, "Okay, lady! You can have your stinking deer! Just let me get my saddle off it!"

Creation

A little girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap as he read her a bedtime story. From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek. She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again. Finally, she spoke up, "Grandpa, did God make you?"  "Yes, sweetheart," he answered, "God made me a long time ago."  "Oh," she paused, "Grandpa, did God make me too?"  "Yes, indeed, honey," he said, "God made you just a little while ago."  Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, "God's getting better at it, isn't he?"

Today’s Thought

Notice: Spelling mistakes are left in for people who need to correct others to make their life fulfilled.

Friday's Funnies

Funny Quotes

"A Romanian man is in the hospital after getting drunk and swallowing 120 coins on a bet. Doctors monitoring his situation say so far, no change." --Jay Leno

"A high school in England is going to teach a class in Elvish - the language that is spoken in 'The Lord of The Rings'. Not surprisingly the Elvish language has no words for girl, date or kiss." --Conan O'Brien

"The man responsible for making popcorn a movie theater snack has passed away. His family was going to get him a regular casket, but then decided to get the extra-large one which was the better deal because it came with a medium Coke." --David Letterman

Dinosaur Bones

Some tourists in the Chicago Museum of Natural History are marveling at the dinosaur bones. One of them asks the guard, "Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?"  The guard replies, "They are 3 million, four years, and six months old."  "That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist. "How do you know their age so precisely?"  The guard answers, "Well, the dinosaur bones were three million years old when I started working here, and that was four and a half years ago."

Dry Cleaning

My dry cleaner very generously provides a stack of free newspapers for his customers.  As I took my copy, I told him, "I hope the business grows enough to offset the cost of the papers."  "Oh, don't worry about us," he chuckled. "Nothing dirties clothes more than newsprint."

Kids In Church

3-year-old Reese :  'Our Father, Who does art in heaven, Harold is His name.Amen.'

A little boy was overheard praying: 'Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am.'

After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car.  His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, 'That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, And I wanted to stay with you guys.'

One particular four-year-old prayed, 'And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets.'

A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they were on the way to church service, 'And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?' One bright little girl replied, 'Because people are sleeping.'

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3.  The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. 'If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'  Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, ' Ryan, you be Jesus !'

A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore where a seagull lay dead in the sand.  'Daddy, what happened to him?' the son asked. 'He died and went to Heaven,' the Dad replied. The boy thought a moment and then said, 'Did God throw him back down?'

A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said,

'Would you like to say the blessing?' 'I wouldn't know what to say,' the girl replied. 'Just say what you hear Mommy say,' the wife answered. The daughter bowed her head and said, 'Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?'

Cats & Teenagers

For all of you with teenagers or who have had teenagers, you may want to know why they really have a lot in common with cats:

1. Neither teenagers nor cats turn their heads when you call them by name.

2. No matter what you do for them, it is not enough. Indeed, all humane efforts are barely adequate to compensate for the privilege of waiting on them hand and foot.

3. You rarely see a cat walking outside of the house with an adult human being, and it can be safely said that no teenager in his or her right mind wants to be seen in public with his or her parents.

4. Even if you tell jokes as well as Jay Leno, neither your cat nor your teen will ever crack a smile.

5. No cat or teenager shares your taste in music.

6. Cats and teenagers can lie on the living-room sofa for hours on end without moving, barely breathing.

7. Cats have nine lives. Teenagers live as if they did.

8. Cats and teenagers yawn in exactly the same manner, communicating that ultimate human ecstasy -- a sense of complete and utter boredom.

9. Cats and teenagers do not improve anyone's furniture.

10. Cats that are free to roam outside sometimes have been known to return in the middle of the night to deposit a dead animal in your bedroom. Teenagers are not above that sort of behavior.

Thus, if you must raise teenagers, the best sources of advice are not other parents, but veterinarians. It is also a good idea to keep a guidebook on cats at hand at all times. And remember, above all else, put out the food and do not make any sudden moves in their direction. When they make up their minds, they will finally come to you for some affection and comfort, and it will be a triumphant moment for all concerned.

Today’s Thought

Just remember: when you go to court, you are trusting your fate to twelve people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty!

Friday's Funnies

Airlines

A traveler got to the airline counter and presented her ticket to New York. As she gave the agent her luggage she asked, "I'd like you to send my green suitcase to Hawaii, and my red suitcase to London."  The confused agent said, "I'm sorry, we can't do that."  "Really? I am so relieved to hear you say that because, that's exactly what you did to my luggage last year!"

A Tie

A man was walking through the Sahara desert, desperate for water, when he saw something, far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he walked toward the image, only to find a little old woman sitting at a card table with a bunch of neckties laid out on it.  The thirsty man asked, "Please, I'm dying of thirst, can I have some water?"  The woman replied "I don't have any water, but why don't you buy a tie?

Here's one that goes nicely with your outfit."  The man shouted, "I don't want a tie, you idiot, I need water!"  "Okay, don't buy a tie. But to show you what a nice person I am, I'll tell you that over that hill there, about four miles, is a nice restaurant. Walk that way, they'll give you all the water you want."  The dehydrated soul thanked the woman and walked away toward the hill and eventually disappeared.  Three hours later he returned crawling back to where the woman was still sitting behind her card table.  She said "I told you, about four miles over that hill. Couldn't you find it?"  The man rasped, "I found it all right. They wouldn't let me in without a tie."

Broken Arm

While leading a tour of kindergarten students through our hospital, I overheard a conversation between one little girl and an x-ray technician.   "Have you ever broken a bone?" he asked.   "Yes," the girl replied.   "Did it hurt?"   "No."   "Really? Which bone did you break?"   "My sister's arm."  

Things to ponder

- Why do we say "bye bye" but not "hi hi"?

- Why do we feel blue? And what color does a smurf feel when they are down?

- What does OK actually mean?

- If you have x-ray vision, and you can see through anything, wouldn't you see through everything and actually see nothing?

- Why are things typed up but written down?

- If the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?

- If you were on a plane going the speed of sound and walked from the back of the plane to the front, would you be walking faster than the speed of sound?

- Why does "closing up" a shop and "closing down" a shop mean the same thing?

- In some books, why do they have blank pages at the very end?

- Why do they call them "Animal Crackers" when there not even crackers...they're biscuits?

- If it is a 50 mph per hour wind and you drive your car at 50 mph downwind, if you stick your head outside would you feel the wind?

Vocabulary

A very intelligent boy was fortunate enough to be receiving a far better education than his parents had enjoyed, and his vocabulary far outstripped theirs. One day he came home from school and said, "Mommy, may I relate to you a narrative?"  "What's a narrative, Gerald?" she asked.  “A narrative, Mommy, is a tale."  "Oh, I see," said his mother nodding, and Gerald told her his story. At bedtime as he was about to go upstairs he said, "Shall I extinguish the light Mommy?"  "What's extinguish?" she asked.

"Extinguish means to put out, Mommy," said brainy Gerald.  “Oh, I see. Yes, certainly."  The next day the clergyman came to tea and the family dog began to make a nuisance of himself, as a dog will, by begging for goodies from the table.  "Gerald," said his mother, trying to impress, "take that dog by the narrative and extinguish him!"

You Know You're In Trouble When

- Your accountant's letter of resignation is postmarked Zurich.
- Your suggestion box starts ticking.
- You make more than you ever made, owe more than you ever owed, and have less than you've ever had.
- The simple instructions enclosed aren't.
- People send your wife sympathy cards on your anniversary.
- The plumber floats by on your kitchen table.
- Your secretary tells you the FBI is on line 1, the District Attorney is on line 2, and CBS is on line 3.

A Message To Our Pets

Dear Dogs and Cats,

The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate of food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king-sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years - canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.

Regards,

Your Owner

Today’s Thought

What do people in China call their good plates?