Mysterious Auto Noises
An auto mechanic received a repair order that said to check for a clunking noise when going around corners. He took the car out for a test drive and made two right turns, each time hearing a loud clunk. Back at the shop, he returned the car to the service manager with this note: "Removed bowling ball from trunk."
Fear Not
A man was seen fleeing down the hall of the hospital just before his operation. "What's the matter?" a friend asked him. "I just heard the nurse say, ‘It's a very simple operation, don't worry, I'm sure it will be all right." "She was just trying to comfort you," the friend assured him, adding, "What's so frightening about that?" "She wasn't talking to me. She was talking to the doctor."
The Hereafter
"Do you believe in the hereafter?" the minister asked a lady. "I certainly do," she replied. "I often go into a room and say, ‘What am I here after?'"
What Matters
A city slicker came to a fork in a country road. "Hey, old-timer," he shouted to a farmer who was working out in his field. "I'm headed to Brownsville. Does it make any difference which road I take?" The old man looked at him and said, "Not to me, it don't."
Show & Tell
A kindergarten teacher gave her class a "show and tell" assignment. Each student was instructed to bring in an object to share with the class that represented their religion. The first student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Benjamin and I am Jewish and this is a Star of David." The second student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Mary. I'm a Catholic and this is a Rosary." The third student got in up front of the class and said, "My name is Tommy. I am a Baptist and this is a casserole."
A Word of Advice
"Laugh a little each day — it's better than chicken soup." At least that's what the chickens say.
Dark Parachute Jumps
Nights in England are coal black, making parachute jumps difficult and dangerous. So we attach small lights called chemlites to our jumpsuits to make ourselves visible to the rest of our team. Late one night, lost after a practice jump, we knocked on the door of a small cottage. When a woman answered, she was greeted by the sight of five men festooned in glowing chemlites. "Excuse me," I said. "Can you tell me where we are?" In a thick English accent, the woman replied, "Earth!"
Who's To Blame?
A village pastor, known for his weakness for trout, preached against fishing on Sunday. The next day one of his members presented him with a fine string of fish and said, hesitatingly, "I guess I ought to tell you, parson, that those trout were caught on Sunday." The minister hesitated, gazed appreciatively at the speckled trout, and then said piously as he reached for his gift, "The fish aren't to blame for that."
The Meeting
After a long, dry sermon, the minister announced that he wished to meet with the church board after the service. The first man to arrive was a stranger. "You misunderstood my announcement. This is a meeting of the board," said the minister. "I know," said the man. "If there is anyone here more bored than I am, I'd like to meet him."
Raving on
Some outlaws compose their own punchlines, but Malcolm Roberts chose one from his hero. The 59-year-old Briton may lose his home for jamming out to old Buddy Holly tunes too loudly. Roberts says he won't turn down the volume when he cranks out songs by the classic rock 'n' roller in his Leeds apartment. Elderly neighbors complained about the incessant and loud guitar music, and the community association has pledged to kick him out if he doesn't desist. When given the ultimatum to turn down or pack up, the Yorkshire Evening Post reported that Roberts quoted Holly: "That'll be the day when I die."
Trash into treasure
Was Doc Brown of Back to the Future fame onto something when he redesigned the flux capacitor to operate on household waste? Jeff Surma, president of Integrated Environmental Technologies, thinks so. After a few years of development, IET created a device that can turn most rubbish into an alternative energy source. Using man-made lightning, the company can vaporize, not incinerate, about one ton of garbage into about five cubic feet of glass. When scientists at IET put a tennis shoe in their plasma melter, the device vaporized most of the shoe, leaving a small glass pellet that Surma says can be used as filler for road construction. As for the nearly four gallons of gas created by vaporizing the plastic shoe: Surma says that can be turned into an alternative fuel.
Useful Metric Conversions
• 1 million phones = 1 megaphone
• 2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds
• 10 cards = 1 decacards
• 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
• 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
• 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin
• 10 rations = 1 decoration
• 100 rations = 1 C-ration
• 10 millipedes = 1 centipede
• 3 1/3 tridents = 1 decadent
• 2 monograms = 1 diagram
• 8 nickels = 2 paradigms
• 2 wharves = 1 paradox
Friday, July 16, 2010
Friday, July 9, 2010
Friday's Funnies
Sprechen Sie Was?
"I just returned from Germany and had the most wonderful time," bubbled Ginger to her friends. "I thought, before you left, you said you were having trouble with your German," Melody said. "No, not at all. It was the Germans who had trouble with it."
Travel Papers
"What kinds of papers do I need to travel to Europe?" a youth asked a travel agent. "Basically, a passport and a visa." "I have the passport, no problem. Do you think they'll accept MasterCard?"
Bedtime Issues
"What's the most difficult age to get a child to sleep regularly?" a new mother asked an older veteran of child rearing. Her response was quick: "About seventeen years."
Time Weighs Heavy
A man was lugging a grandfather clock from an antique shop to his car, three blocks away. Swaggering under the load with each step, unable to see directly in front of him, he accidentally bumped an elderly couple heading in his direction on the sidewalk. "I'm so sorry," he apologized, turning awkwardly toward them. The couple glared at him angrily. The woman snapped, "Why don't you wear a wristwatch, like everyone else?"
Roses
The young man ahead of my father at the flower shop was taking an unusually long time to place his order. When the clerk asked how she could help, he explained that his girlfriend was turning 19 and he couldn't decide whether to give her a dozen roses or 19 roses -- one for each year of her life. The woman put aside her business judgment and advised, "She may be your 19-year-old girlfriend now, but someday she could be your 50-year-old wife." The young man bought a dozen roses.
Teacher's golf lesson
The school teacher was taking her first golfing lesson. "Is the word spelt p-u-t or p-u-t-t?' she asked the instructor. "P-u-t-t is correct,' he replied. "Put means to place a thing where you want it. Putt means merely a vain attempt to do the same thing."
How Canada got its name
The original name for Canada, dreamed up by a parliamentary committee in London, was "Cold North Dominion," but that was too long, so they abbreviated it to C.N.D. The King's Royal Governor presented the new name to the inhabitants, but they didn't say a word. "Well, what do you think?" asked the Royal Governor? "C, eh?" said the first fellow, and just looked at the Governor. "N, eh?" says the second guy. "D, eh?" says a third one. Then silence. "Hey," says the Governor. "I like that. It's a lot easier to pronounce when you spell it that way." And that's how Canada got its name.
You're Canadian if...
•You know how to pronounce and spell Saskatchewan without blinking
•You put on shorts as soon as it hits plus 10, even if there is still snow around
•You know what a tuque (toque?) is
•You are excited whenever an American television show mentions Canada
•You make a mental note to talk about it at work the next day
•You use a red pen on your non-Canadian textbooks and fill in the missing 'u's from labor, honor, and color
•You have Canadian Tire money in your kitchen drawers
•Pike is a type of fish, not some part of a highway
•You drive on a highway, not a freeway
•You know what a Robertson screwdriver is
•You understand the sentence, "Could you please pass me a serviette, I just spilled my poutine."
•You drink pop, not soda
•You love your fries with poutine
•You go to the washroom, not the restroom or bathroom
•Someone accidently stepped on your foot. You apologize.
•You stepped on someone's foot. You apologize, then apologize for making them apologize
•You have worn shorts and a parka at the same time
•"Eh" is a very important part of your vocabulary and you understand all the 1,000 different meanings of "eh", eh?
Literally Speaking
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?" "It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?" "University of Oklahoma," he yelled back.
Chatter Box
This couple was heading to the hospital with their 16-year-old daughter, who was scheduled to undergo a tonsillectomy. During the ride they talked about the procedure. "Dad," the teenager asked, "how are they going to keep my mouth open during surgery?" Without hesitation her father quipped, "They're going to give you a phone."
New Technology
With all the new technology regarding fertility, an 88-year-old woman was able to give birth to a baby recently. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, various relatives came to visit. "May we see the new baby?" one of them asked. "Not yet," said the mother. "I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first." Another half hour passed before another relative asked, "May we see the new baby now?" "No, not yet," said the mother. A while later and again the guests asked, "May we see the baby now?" "No, not yet," replied the mother. Growing impatient, they asked, "Well, when can we see the baby?" "When she cries!" she told them. "When she cries?" they gasped. "Why do we have to wait until she cries?" "Because, I forgot where I put her."
"I just returned from Germany and had the most wonderful time," bubbled Ginger to her friends. "I thought, before you left, you said you were having trouble with your German," Melody said. "No, not at all. It was the Germans who had trouble with it."
Travel Papers
"What kinds of papers do I need to travel to Europe?" a youth asked a travel agent. "Basically, a passport and a visa." "I have the passport, no problem. Do you think they'll accept MasterCard?"
Bedtime Issues
"What's the most difficult age to get a child to sleep regularly?" a new mother asked an older veteran of child rearing. Her response was quick: "About seventeen years."
Time Weighs Heavy
A man was lugging a grandfather clock from an antique shop to his car, three blocks away. Swaggering under the load with each step, unable to see directly in front of him, he accidentally bumped an elderly couple heading in his direction on the sidewalk. "I'm so sorry," he apologized, turning awkwardly toward them. The couple glared at him angrily. The woman snapped, "Why don't you wear a wristwatch, like everyone else?"
Roses
The young man ahead of my father at the flower shop was taking an unusually long time to place his order. When the clerk asked how she could help, he explained that his girlfriend was turning 19 and he couldn't decide whether to give her a dozen roses or 19 roses -- one for each year of her life. The woman put aside her business judgment and advised, "She may be your 19-year-old girlfriend now, but someday she could be your 50-year-old wife." The young man bought a dozen roses.
Teacher's golf lesson
The school teacher was taking her first golfing lesson. "Is the word spelt p-u-t or p-u-t-t?' she asked the instructor. "P-u-t-t is correct,' he replied. "Put means to place a thing where you want it. Putt means merely a vain attempt to do the same thing."
How Canada got its name
The original name for Canada, dreamed up by a parliamentary committee in London, was "Cold North Dominion," but that was too long, so they abbreviated it to C.N.D. The King's Royal Governor presented the new name to the inhabitants, but they didn't say a word. "Well, what do you think?" asked the Royal Governor? "C, eh?" said the first fellow, and just looked at the Governor. "N, eh?" says the second guy. "D, eh?" says a third one. Then silence. "Hey," says the Governor. "I like that. It's a lot easier to pronounce when you spell it that way." And that's how Canada got its name.
You're Canadian if...
•You know how to pronounce and spell Saskatchewan without blinking
•You put on shorts as soon as it hits plus 10, even if there is still snow around
•You know what a tuque (toque?) is
•You are excited whenever an American television show mentions Canada
•You make a mental note to talk about it at work the next day
•You use a red pen on your non-Canadian textbooks and fill in the missing 'u's from labor, honor, and color
•You have Canadian Tire money in your kitchen drawers
•Pike is a type of fish, not some part of a highway
•You drive on a highway, not a freeway
•You know what a Robertson screwdriver is
•You understand the sentence, "Could you please pass me a serviette, I just spilled my poutine."
•You drink pop, not soda
•You love your fries with poutine
•You go to the washroom, not the restroom or bathroom
•Someone accidently stepped on your foot. You apologize.
•You stepped on someone's foot. You apologize, then apologize for making them apologize
•You have worn shorts and a parka at the same time
•"Eh" is a very important part of your vocabulary and you understand all the 1,000 different meanings of "eh", eh?
Literally Speaking
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?" "It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?" "University of Oklahoma," he yelled back.
Chatter Box
This couple was heading to the hospital with their 16-year-old daughter, who was scheduled to undergo a tonsillectomy. During the ride they talked about the procedure. "Dad," the teenager asked, "how are they going to keep my mouth open during surgery?" Without hesitation her father quipped, "They're going to give you a phone."
New Technology
With all the new technology regarding fertility, an 88-year-old woman was able to give birth to a baby recently. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, various relatives came to visit. "May we see the new baby?" one of them asked. "Not yet," said the mother. "I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first." Another half hour passed before another relative asked, "May we see the new baby now?" "No, not yet," said the mother. A while later and again the guests asked, "May we see the baby now?" "No, not yet," replied the mother. Growing impatient, they asked, "Well, when can we see the baby?" "When she cries!" she told them. "When she cries?" they gasped. "Why do we have to wait until she cries?" "Because, I forgot where I put her."
Friday, July 2, 2010
Friday's Funnies
Golf Protocol
Returning home from a round of golf, a man was asked by his cheery wife, "Did you win today, honey?" "Of course not," he muttered. "You know I was playing against the boss."
Memorable
"You think so much about your golf game that you don't even remember when we got married," complained the wife. "Of course I do, honey," the husband protested. "It was the day after I sank that forty-foot putt."
Hook, Line and Sinker
The preacher, who was an ardent fisherman, performed a wedding. He asked the groom, "Do you promise to love, honor and cherish this woman?" "I do," he answered. Then turning to the bride, the preacher said, "Okay, reel him in."
The Parable
"What is your favorite parable?" the Sunday School teacher asked. A boy answered, "I like the one where everybody loafs and fishes."
Supposedly real student answers to test questions:
Q: Name one of the early Romans' greatest achievements.
A: Learning to speak Latin.
Q: Name six animals which live specifically in the Arctic.
A: Two polar bears and four seals.
Q: Where was the American Declaration of Independence signed?
A: At the bottom.
Q: What is the meaning of the word "varicose?"
A: Close by.
Q: What is the highest frequency noise that a human can register?
A: Mariah Carey.
Q: Give a reason why people would want to live near power lines.
A: You get your electricity faster.
Q: What did Mahatma Gandhi and Genghis Khan have in common?
A: Unusual names.
Hot Air
As a lobbyist in Washington, DC, I'd just finished up a meeting with a Congressman when I stopped to use the restroom. After washing my hands, I stepped over to the hand dryer and noticed that someone had taped a note to the machine. The note said, "Push button for message from Congress."
Education Pays Off
"What's the usual tip?" a man growled when a college boy delivered his pizza. "Well," the student replied, "this is my first delivery, but the other guys said that if I got a quarter out of you, I'd be doing great." "That so?" grunted the man. "In that case, here's five dollars." "Thanks," the student said, "I'll put it in my college fund." "By the way, what are you studying?" "Applied psychology."
Windows Fans
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer. When asked to define "great," he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream in disbelief, cry in despair, howl in pain, and vent their anger in ways they've never dreamed of!" He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
Oh, That...
A chemist walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist, "Do you have any acetylsalicylic acid?" "You mean aspirin?" asked the pharmacist. "That's it; I can never remember that word."
The Expert
A man went to the police station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before. "You'll get your chance in court," said the desk sergeant. "No, no, no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"
It's All Covered
There was once an aspiring veterinarian who put himself through veterinary school working nights as a taxidermist. Upon graduation, he decided he could combine his two vocations to better serve the needs of his patients and their owners, while doubling his practice and, therefore, his income. He opened his own offices with a sign on the door saying, "Dr. Jones, Veterinary Medicine and Taxidermy — Either way, you get your dog back!"
It's What He Said
My 17-year-old niece asked me if she could use my name as a reference on her resume', which she planned to submit to a local fast-food restaurant. I agreed. A few days later she called and asked me to meet her at the restaurant later that afternoon. When I asked her why, she replied, "The manager wants me to come in for an interview, and she told me to bring my references."
Oh....
Teacher (frustrated): "Look at this paper. How could one person make so many mistakes?"
Student (defensive): "It wasn't one person - my dad helped!"
Curiosity
A teacher was finishing up a lesson on the joys of discovery and the importance of curiosity. "Where would we be today," she asked, "if no one had ever been curious?" One child quietly spoke up from the back of the room. "In the garden of Eden?"
Sounds Like...
There was this lady who was visiting a church for the first time one Sunday. The sermon seemed to go on forever, and many in the congregation actually fell asleep. After the service, to be social, she walked up to a very sleepy looking gentleman, extended her hand in greeting, and said, "Hello, I'm Gladys Dunn." The man replied, "You're not the only one, ma'am. I'm glad it's done, too!"
Phone Message
"If you are calling from a touch-tone phone, press one now. If you are calling from a rotary phone, please hang up and call back from a touch-tone phone."
Returning home from a round of golf, a man was asked by his cheery wife, "Did you win today, honey?" "Of course not," he muttered. "You know I was playing against the boss."
Memorable
"You think so much about your golf game that you don't even remember when we got married," complained the wife. "Of course I do, honey," the husband protested. "It was the day after I sank that forty-foot putt."
Hook, Line and Sinker
The preacher, who was an ardent fisherman, performed a wedding. He asked the groom, "Do you promise to love, honor and cherish this woman?" "I do," he answered. Then turning to the bride, the preacher said, "Okay, reel him in."
The Parable
"What is your favorite parable?" the Sunday School teacher asked. A boy answered, "I like the one where everybody loafs and fishes."
Supposedly real student answers to test questions:
Q: Name one of the early Romans' greatest achievements.
A: Learning to speak Latin.
Q: Name six animals which live specifically in the Arctic.
A: Two polar bears and four seals.
Q: Where was the American Declaration of Independence signed?
A: At the bottom.
Q: What is the meaning of the word "varicose?"
A: Close by.
Q: What is the highest frequency noise that a human can register?
A: Mariah Carey.
Q: Give a reason why people would want to live near power lines.
A: You get your electricity faster.
Q: What did Mahatma Gandhi and Genghis Khan have in common?
A: Unusual names.
Hot Air
As a lobbyist in Washington, DC, I'd just finished up a meeting with a Congressman when I stopped to use the restroom. After washing my hands, I stepped over to the hand dryer and noticed that someone had taped a note to the machine. The note said, "Push button for message from Congress."
Education Pays Off
"What's the usual tip?" a man growled when a college boy delivered his pizza. "Well," the student replied, "this is my first delivery, but the other guys said that if I got a quarter out of you, I'd be doing great." "That so?" grunted the man. "In that case, here's five dollars." "Thanks," the student said, "I'll put it in my college fund." "By the way, what are you studying?" "Applied psychology."
Windows Fans
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer. When asked to define "great," he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream in disbelief, cry in despair, howl in pain, and vent their anger in ways they've never dreamed of!" He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
Oh, That...
A chemist walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist, "Do you have any acetylsalicylic acid?" "You mean aspirin?" asked the pharmacist. "That's it; I can never remember that word."
The Expert
A man went to the police station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before. "You'll get your chance in court," said the desk sergeant. "No, no, no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"
It's All Covered
There was once an aspiring veterinarian who put himself through veterinary school working nights as a taxidermist. Upon graduation, he decided he could combine his two vocations to better serve the needs of his patients and their owners, while doubling his practice and, therefore, his income. He opened his own offices with a sign on the door saying, "Dr. Jones, Veterinary Medicine and Taxidermy — Either way, you get your dog back!"
It's What He Said
My 17-year-old niece asked me if she could use my name as a reference on her resume', which she planned to submit to a local fast-food restaurant. I agreed. A few days later she called and asked me to meet her at the restaurant later that afternoon. When I asked her why, she replied, "The manager wants me to come in for an interview, and she told me to bring my references."
Oh....
Teacher (frustrated): "Look at this paper. How could one person make so many mistakes?"
Student (defensive): "It wasn't one person - my dad helped!"
Curiosity
A teacher was finishing up a lesson on the joys of discovery and the importance of curiosity. "Where would we be today," she asked, "if no one had ever been curious?" One child quietly spoke up from the back of the room. "In the garden of Eden?"
Sounds Like...
There was this lady who was visiting a church for the first time one Sunday. The sermon seemed to go on forever, and many in the congregation actually fell asleep. After the service, to be social, she walked up to a very sleepy looking gentleman, extended her hand in greeting, and said, "Hello, I'm Gladys Dunn." The man replied, "You're not the only one, ma'am. I'm glad it's done, too!"
Phone Message
"If you are calling from a touch-tone phone, press one now. If you are calling from a rotary phone, please hang up and call back from a touch-tone phone."
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