Friday's Funnies

 Happy Halloween

What do you get when you drop a pumpkin?

Squash

When is it bad luck to see a black cat?
When you're a mouse.

What do you call a skeleton who won't get up in the mornings?
Lazy bones

What would you find on a haunted beach?
A sand witch

The Mommy Test

I was out walking with my then 4-year-old daughter when she picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I asked her not to do that. "Why," she asked. "Because it's been laying outside, and it is dirty and probably has germs." At this point, she looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Wow! How do you know all this stuff?" "Uh," I was thinking quickly, "...all moms know this stuff? Um, it's on the Mommy Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mommy." We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information. "OH...I get It!" she beamed. "So, if you flunk, you have to be the Daddy."

Meaning Of Life

I found the meaning of life. It's on page 937 in the dictionary between the words lie and lifeboat.

'R' Troubles

A young schoolboy was having a hard time pronouncing the letter ''R,'' and all the other kids were, of course, teasing him about it. To help him out, the teacher gave him a sentence to practice at home: ''Robert gave Richard a rap in the ribs for roasting the rabbit so rare.'' In class a few days later, the teacher asked the boy to recite the sentence out loud. The boy nervously eyed his classmates--many of them already laughing at him--then replied, ''Bob gave Dick a poke in the side because the bunny wasn't cooked enough.''

Rearranging Letters

DORMITORY: When you rearrange the letters: DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN: When you rearrange the letters: BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER: When you rearrange the letters: MOON STARER

THE EYES: When you rearrange the letters: THEY SEE

THE MORSE CODE: When you rearrange the letters: HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES: When you rearrange the letters: CASH LOST IN ME

SNOOZE ALARMS: When you rearrange the letters: ALAS! NO MORE Z'S

A DECIMAL POINT: When you rearrange the letters: I'M A DOT IN PLACE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO: When you rearrange the letters: TWELVE PLUS ONE

Doctor! Doctor!

It was a stifling hot day and a man fainted in the middle of a busy intersection. Traffic quickly piled up in all directions while a woman rushed to help him. As she knelt down to loosen his collar, a man emerged from the crowd, pushed her aside, and said, "It's all right honey, I've had a course in first aid." The woman stood up and watched as he took the ill man's pulse and prepared to administer artificial respiration. At this point she tapped him on the shoulder and said, "When you get to the part about calling a doctor, I'm already here."

Long-winded Speech

A man giving a long-winded speech finally says, "I'm sorry I talked so long. I left my watch at home." A voice from the crowd says, "There's a calendar behind you."

The old Golfer

An eighty-year-old man's golf game was hampered by poor eyesight. He could hit the ball well but he couldn't see where it went. So, his doctor teamed him up with a ninety-year-old man who had perfect eyesight and was willing to go along to serve as a spotter. The eighty-year-old man hit the first ball and asked his companion if he saw where it landed. "Yep," said the ninety-year-old. "Where did it go?" the eighty-year-old demanded. The ninety-year-old replied, "I don't remember… "

Fishing Trip

After returning from a fishing trip with her husband, a wife confessed to her neighbor: "I did everything all wrong again today -- I talked too much and too loudly. I used the wrong bait. I reeled in too soon and, worst of all, I caught more fish than he did."

Long Deployment

Just before our first long deployment, two Navy buddies and I were talking about the stress of leaving our families. A senior officer, a veteran of many deployments, overheard our conversation and offered the following advice: "You must be sensitive to your wives' emotional needs," he said. "Never, ever, whistle while you pack!"

Today’s Though

It wasn't the apple on the tree, but the pair on the ground.

Friday's Funnies

 Locked Out

 

One afternoon I rushed out of the house, forgetting my keys, and found myself locked out. There was nothing I could do but wait for my husband to come home. I went over to a neighbor who was outside raking leaves. "You locked yourself out?" he asked. "Yeah, this is the second time since we moved in. After the first time we took an extra key and put it in a jar, then stuck it in a potted plant on the deck. "So what's the problem?" "I took the plants in for the winter."

 

Fastest Land Mammal

The fastest land mammal is a toddler who's been asked what's in their mouth.

 

Magician

 

"What's your father's occupation?" asked the school secretary on the first day of the new academic year. "He's a magician, Ma'am" said the new boy. "How interesting. What's his favorite trick?" "He saws people in half." "Gosh! Now, next question. Any brothers or sisters?" "One half brother and two half sisters."

Holy Hole in One

 

There once was a priest who really LOVED to play golf. He awoke one Sunday morning to a beautiful sunny day and thought, "I've just got to play golf today!"  He called over the assistant priest and told him he didn't feel well and asked him to say mass for him. The assistant priest agreed, and the priest snuck out the back door with his golf bag. An angel in heaven, after watching all of this, went to God and said, "He is ditching his duties to go play golf. He should be punished!" God replied that He would keep an eye on the situation. The priest decided to drive a long distance away to ensure he wasn't seen by anyone from his church. He took his first shot and got a hole in one! As the priest danced around celebrating his good fortune, the angel went to God and said, "God, I am surprised at you! That doesn't seem to be a severe punishment to me!" God replied, "Who is he going to tell?"

Summer Camp

 

The first day of summer camp, a counselor was helping his kids stow their stuff. He was surprised to see one of the youngsters had an umbrella. The counselor asked, "Tell me Bobby, why did you bring an umbrella to camp?" The kid answered, "Did you ever have a mother?

 

What Would You Do?

 

An English teacher asked her class to write an essay on what they'd do if they had a million dollars. Alec handed in a blank sheet of paper. "Alec!" yelled the teacher, "you've done nothing. Why?" "Because if I had a million dollars, that's exactly what I would do!"

Airport

 

In the Phoenix airport, they announced that the flight to Vegas was full. The airline was looking for volunteers to give up their seats. In exchange, they'd give you a $100 voucher for your next flight and a first-class seat in the plane leaving an hour later. About eight people ran up to the counter to take advantage of the offer. About 15 seconds later all eight of those people sat down grumpily as the lady behind the ticket counter said, "If there is anyone else OTHER than the flight crew who'd like to volunteer, please step forward."

Getting Gas

 

A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas (back in the day when there was such a thing) just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him in front of the service station. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump. "Reverend," said the young man, "sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip." The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."

Mistakes

If a barber makes a mistake, It's a new style.

If a driver makes a mistake, It is an accident.

If an engineer makes a mistake, It is a new venture.


If a politician makes a mistake, It is a new law.

If a scientist makes a mistake, It is a new invention.

If a tailor makes a mistake, It is a new fashion.

If a teacher makes a mistake, It is a new theory.

If our boss makes a mistake, It is our mistake.

If an employee makes a mistake, It is a "MISTAKE."

Bad News, Worse News

 

A man went in to his doctor for his test results and the doctor said, ‘I have bad news and I have worse news. Which do you want first?’ The man thought, and said, ‘Give me the bad news.’ The doctor told him he had 48 hours to live. The man asked what news could be worse? The doctor replied, ‘We’ve been looking for you since yesterday…’

 

Dad Joke

Inquiring minds want to know: are you pro-biotic or anti-biotic?!

Today’s Thought

Cats can memorize 120 commands, but they don't want to.

Friday's Funnies

 Computer Encouragement

 

My new data-entry assistant could often be heard offering encouragement to her computer. "You can do it, big guy!" she would say. "Good boy! Nice job, fella." After one particularly lengthy pep talk, I asked, "How do you know your computer's male?" "Because you have to tell it what to do."

Spendthrift

 

The minister asked, "Is there anyone in the congregation who wants a prayer said for their shortcomings?" "Yes," said a man in the front pew. "I am a spendthrift. I throw money around like it is growing on trees." "Very well," said the pastor. "We will join in prayer for our brother -- just as soon as the collection plate has been passed."

Hello!

 

One night I woke myself up with a loud "Hello!" to someone in my dream. As the next day came and went, I thought the nocturnal outburst was mine alone to remember. But that night, as my wife and I were getting ready for bed, she said dryly, "If you see anyone you know tonight, just wave."

Medical Terminology

 

Studies have demonstrated that those who do not understand the seriousness of most medical terminology have the lowest stress rates.

Artery - The study of paintings

Bacteria - Back door to cafeteria

Barium - What doctors do when patients die

Benign - What you be, after you be eight

Cesarean Section - A neighborhood in Rome

Cat scan - Searching for Kitty

Cauterize - Made eye contact with her

Colic - A sheep dog

Coma - A punctuation mark

Dilate - To live long

Enema - Not a friend

Fester - Quicker than someone else

Fibula - A small lie

Labor Pain - Getting hurt at work

Medical Staff - A Doctor's cane

Morbid - A higher offer

Nitrates - Rates of Pay for Working at Night, Normally more money than Days

Node - I knew it

Outpatient - A person who has fainted

Pelvis - Second cousin to Elvis

 

Dean’s List

 

College student: "Hey, Dad -- I've got some great news for you!"

Father: "What, son?"

College student: "Remember that $500 you promised me if I made the Dean's list?"

Father: "I certainly do."

College student: "Well, you get to keep it!"

 

Senile?

 

You know you're senile when you start quoting yourself. Wait, you're only senile if you don't know you're quoting yourself.

 

Compulsive Worrier

 

Jack had been a compulsive worrier for years, to the point it was ruining his life. He saw a psychologist who recommended a specialist who could help him. His friend, Bob, noticed a dramatic change and asked "What happened? Nothing seems to worry you anymore." "I hired a professional worrier and I haven't had a worry since," replied Jack. "That must be expensive," Bob replied. "He charges $5,000 a month," Jack told him. "$5,000!!? How in the world can you afford to pay him?" exclaimed Bob.

"I don't know. That's his problem."

 

Dad Joke

 

Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke? He won the "no-bell" prize.

 

 

Today’s Thought

 

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?

Friday's Funnies

 Word Problems

Someone posted that they had just baked some synonym buns. I replied, "You mean just like the ones grammar used to make?" Now I'm blocked.

 

You Must Be A Preacher If…

- You've dreamed you were preaching, only to awaken and discover you were.
- A church picnic is no picnic.
- Instead of getting "ticked off," you get "grieved in your spirit."
- You're tempted to take an offering at a family reunion.
- You've ever wanted to "lay hands" on a deacon's neck.
- Everybody stops talking when you enter the room.
- You sometimes stretch the truth at a funeral.
- You've suffered an anxiety attack while playing Bible Trivia Pursuit.
- The ideas you bounce off board members really do.
- You get your second wind when you say "And in conclusion..."

 

To Be Six Again

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd love to be six again," she replied. So, on the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early, and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear -- everything there was! Wow! Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Big Mac along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie -- the latest Star Wars epic, and hot dogs, popcorn, Pepsi Cola, and M&Ms. What a fabulous adventure! Finally, she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six again?" One eye opened. "You idiot, I meant my dress size!"

 

How Hot Is It?

 

-          The cows are giving evaporated milk.

-          Hot water now comes out of both taps.

-          You discover asphalt has a liquid state.

-          Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying hard-boiled eggs.

-          You start buying stock in Gatorade.

-          Trees start whistling for dogs.

-          You can say 113 degrees without fainting.

-          Your dream house is any house in Alaska.

-          You learn that a seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron.

-          If the temperature drops below 95, you feel a bit chilly.

-          The four seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot and ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!

 

Thoughts to Ponder.......

 

-          Why, Why, Why do we press harder on the remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?

-          Why do banks charge a fee due to insufficient funds, when they already know you're broke?

-          Why is it that when someone tells you that there are one billion stars in the universe you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint you have to touch it to check?

-          Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

-          Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

-          Why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

-          Whose cruel idea was it to put an "s" in the word "lisp"?

-          If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

-          Why is it that, no matter what color bubble bath you use, the bubbles are always white?

-          Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

-          Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

-          Why do people run over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it and then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

-          How do those dead bugs get into the enclosed light fixtures?

-          Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

-          Why, in winter, do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

 

Funeral

 

A young minister, in the first days of his first parish, was obliged to call upon the widow of an eccentric man who had just died. Standing before the open casket and consoling the widow, he said, "I know this must be a very hard blow, Mrs. Vernon. But we must remember that what we see here is the husk only, the shell. The nut has gone to heaven."

 

Dad Joke

 

Last year I had a great joke about inflation. But it's hardly worth it now.

 

Today’s Thought

 

I wonder what Facebook employees do to waste time at work.