Friday's Funnies

Questions to Ponder

1. If you shouldn't drink and drive, why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor, and why do bars have parking lots?

2. If you got into a taxi and he started driving backwards, would the driver end up owing you money?

3. If you have an open mind why don't your brains fall out?

4. If you keep trying to prove Murphy's Law, will something keep going wrong?

5. If you take a shower, where do you put it?

6. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

7. Can you grow birds by planting birdseed?

8. Why is it called a TV set if you only get one?

9. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?

10. Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Depressed

The barber's client looked depressed, so the barber told him, "Cheer up. I knew a guy who owed $5,000 he couldn't pay. He drove his vehicle to the edge of a cliff, where he sat for over an hour. A group of concerned citizens heard about his problem and passed a hat around. Relieved, the man pulled back from the cliff's edge."  "Incredible," said the client. "Who were these kind people?"  "The passengers on the bus."

Short Puns

Some people like raw meat on rare occasions. (Pun of the Day)

A guy applies to the welfare office. They ask why he needs financial assistance. "I'm having trouble with my eyes," the man says. "I can't see myself going to work." (A. Mathi)

When the Dow Jones average rises briefly to new heights, it can be referred to as 'Upside Dow!' (Syman Hirsch)

Take a tip from your Creator-- your ears aren't made to shut, but your mouth is. (Renee from Napa)

What happens when you have deja vu and amnesia at the same time? You have the feeling that you're forgetting the same thing over and over. (Daily Groaner)

Geometry: What a little acorn says when he grows up. (Pierre Abbat)

Heart surgeons never bypass a good opportunity. (Pun of the Day)

A 4 Iron

Tiger Woods walks into the Masters lobby and asks for a room. The clerk responds, "I am sorry sir we are booked, but there is a hotel about a 4 iron down the road."
Tiger says, "But I'm playing in the Master's tomorrow."
The clerk replies again that they are booked, but there is a hotel about a 4 iron down the road.
To this Tiger says, "But I am Tiger Woods!"
The clerk then says, "Oh! For you it's just a 9 iron then."

Math

Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?"

Johnny: "Seven."

Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"

Johnny: "Seven."

Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?"

Johnny: "Six."

Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"

Johnny: "Seven!"

Teacher: "Johnny, where in the world do you get seven from?!"

Johnny: "Because I've already got a cat!"

Points to Ponder

1.       The price of balloons is going up. They blame it on inflation.

2.       Not to brag, but I still wear the same size socks and same size watch as I did in high school.

3.       If you say "gullible" slowly it sounds likes "orange."

4.       Live a good, righteous life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.

5.       Don't judge folks by their relatives.

6.       The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending — and to have the two as close together as possible.

The Survivor

The preacher, in his Sunday sermon, used "Forgive Your Enemies" as his subject. After a long sermon, he asked how many were willing to forgive their enemies. About half held up their hands. Not satisfied he harangued for another twenty minutes and repeated his question. This time he received a response of eighty percent. Still unsatisfied, he lectured for fifteen minutes and repeated his question. With all thoughts now on Sunday dinner, all responded except one elderly lady in the rear. "Ms. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?" "I don't have any." "Ms. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?" "Ninety-three." "Ms. Jones, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a person can live to ninety-three and not have an enemy in the world." The little sweetheart of a lady teetered down the aisle, turned around very slowly and said: "It's easy. I just outlived them all!"

Ego Deflation

For our 10th anniversary my wife and I vacationed in Hawaii, where we went snorkeling. After an hour in the water everyone got back on the boat, except for one beautiful young woman and me. As I continued my underwater exploring, I noticed that everywhere I swam, she swam. I snorkeled for another 20 minutes. So did she. I climbed back in the boat. So did she. I felt very flattered and, as I took off my fins, asked her why she had stayed in the water for so long. "I'm the lifeguard," she replied matter-of-factly. "I couldn't get out until you did."

Today’s Thought

The trouble with a giving advice is that people want to repay you.

Friday's Funnies

For all our American friends, trust everyone had a wonderful 4^th of July!

A Message From The Queen

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)  Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).  We will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. It will of course be someone of proper English lineage, such as Dame Judi Dench or Michael Caine, but most certainly not Simon Cowell.   Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.  To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'

4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.

5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer.  They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them.  American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

13. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

14. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God Save The Queen!

Water

"Sally, can you spell 'water' for me?" The teacher asked.  "H I J K L M N 0," answered Sally promptly.  Her teacher look puzzled. "That doesn't spell "water."  "Sure it does," said Sally. "My daddy's a scientist and he says water is H to O."

Packaging

Recently, I bought a cartridge for my printer. It came in a box mounted on a card and wrapped in plastic. When I took it apart, I found that the printer cartridge itself was actually quite small, but they made the packaging unnecessarily large to make it harder to steal and to make the customer feel better about the high price.  I pointed this out to my wife and mentioned how my weight gain over the years of our marriage should have the same effect: It made me seem more valuable and also made me harder for other women to steal.

Today’s Thought

One day soon YouTube, Twitter, and Facebook will join together. It will be called YouTwitFace.