Friday's Funnies

Which is it?

When something is "new and improved," which is it?  If it's new, then there wasn't anything before it.  If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.  Make up your mind.

Vintage Classified Adverts

Youngsters aren’t the only people who take out personal ads. Seniors do too! And they have a sense of humor as well. Here are funny classified ads placed by actual senior citizens:

Male, 1922, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn’t in running condition, but walks well.

I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga, and meditation. If you are the silent type, let’s get together, take our hearing aids out, and enjoy quiet times.

I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday, and Sunday, let’s put our two heads together.

Mom's Turn

A friend of mine has three boys, the youngest of whom, Gregory, had just started school. A teacher commented to Gregory that she couldn't believe he was already in first grade and asked what his mother did all day now that the three boys were in school. "Cartwheels," Gregory answered.

Practical Praying

My four-year-old likes to say the blessing at mealtimes, usually repeating the same short prayer: "Thank you, God, for this gracious food. Amen." One evening, however, he thanked the Lord for the birds, the trees, each of his friends, and asked God to watch over his family and help them to be good. I was thrilled that he was finally praying from the heart. But after the "Amen," he took a spoonful of stew, gasped, then dropped his spoon into the bowl. "I should have said a longer prayer, my food is still too hot!"

The Boss

My boss was complaining in a staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect. Later that morning he went out and got a small sign that read, "I'm the Boss." He then taped it to his office door. Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said: "Your wife called, she wants you to bring her sign back!"

Windows vs. Ford

For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on. At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, 'If Ford had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.' In response to Bill's comments, Ford issued a press release stating: If Ford had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash.........Twice a day. 

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car. 

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this. 

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine. 

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads. 

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single 'This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation' warning light. 

7. The airbag system would ask 'Are you sure?' before deploying. 

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna. 

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car. 

10. You'd have to press the 'Start' button to turn the engine off. 

New hat

My wife and I were visiting her 95-year-old grandfather when he asked us to take him to buy a new hat. My wife took me aside. “I’m worried that he doesn’t have enough money, and he’ll be very embarrassed,” she said.  So I asked the salesperson to tell my wife’s grandfather that whichever hat he chose cost $15. I would pay the difference. Grandpa picked out a hat and was charged $15.  After he left, I paid the other $45 of the price. Later Grandpa said, “What a bargain! The last one I bought there cost me $60.”

Acronyms

The latest term being used by our IT office is PICNIC:  "Problem In Chair, Not In Computer."

Today's thought

The only difference between the difficult and the impossible is that the impossible takes a bit longer.

Friday's Funnies

Unusual Headlines

"Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges" (You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?)

"Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors" (Boy, are they tall!)

Firehouse training session

At a training session in the fire station, the team was assembled around the kitchen table.  The training officer was discussing the behavior of fire: “You pull up to a house and notice puffs of smoke coming from the eaves, blackened out windows and little or no visible flame. What does this tell you?” he asked.  Expecting to hear that the house is in a possible back draft situation, a condition very dangerous to fire fighters, he instead heard from one quick wit:  “You got the right place.”

How does this work?

Bob was on vacation, visiting a Las Vegas casino for the first time. He decided to play the slots. Since he wasn’t sure how to play a slot machine, he called an attendant over. “Excuse me,” Bob said. “How does this work?” The worker showed him how to insert a bill, hit the spin button and pull the handle. “And where does the money come out?” Bob asked. The casino employee smiled and pointed to a far wall. “The ATM is over there.”

Job Applicant Stories

We've all been interviewed for jobs. And, we've all spent most of those interviews thinking about what not to do. Don't bite your nails. Don't fidget. Don't interrupt. Don't belch. If we did any of the don'ts, we knew we'd disqualify ourselves instantly. But some job applicants go light years beyond this. We surveyed top personnel executives of 100 major American corporations and asked for stories of unusual behavior by job applicants. The lowlights:

~ Said he was so well qualified [that] if he didn't get the job, it would prove that the company's management was incompetent.

~ Stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application.

~ Chewed bubble gum and constantly blew bubbles.

~ She wore an iPod and said she could listen to me and the music at the same time.

~ Applicant challenged interviewer to arm wrestle.

~ Announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries in the interviewer's office.

~ Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific interview questions.

~ During the interview, an alarm clock went off from the candidate's briefcase. He took it out, shut it off, apologized and said he had to leave for another interview.

~ He took off his right shoe and sock, removed a medicated foot powder can and dusted it on the foot and in the shoe. While he was putting back the shoe and sock, he mentioned that he had to use the powder four times a day, and this was the time.

Apartment application

A property manager of single-family residence was showing a unit to prospective tenants and asking the usual questions. “Professionally employed?” he asked. “We’re a military family,” the wife answered. “Children?” “Oh, yes, ages nine and twelve,” she answered proudly. “Animals?” “Oh, no,” she said earnestly. “They’re very well behaved.”

More! Out Of The Mouths Of Babes!

The Sunday school teacher asked a little boy: "How old are you?" The little chap said, "Seven. And how old are you?" She replied, "I'm 70." Amazed the little darling said, "Whoa, you're almost dead!" 

My young daughter had received a pretend doctor's bag as a birthday gift. Wearing her plastic stethoscope around her neck one day she said, "Daddy, let's play doctor. I'll be the doctor; You be the one who waits."

Little David noticed a dead fly on the window sill. Calling over his mommy he asked her, "What's wrong with the fly? Is it broken?" She said, "No, dear, the fly is dead." Without hesitation David replied, "Oh. It needs new batteries."

As a tyke, my grandpa was carrying me through the doors of the church sanctuary and my sweet "little" voice was heard by all telling them, "And now I have to keep my big mouth shut!"

My two young daughters were playing one day when I heard the older one tell the younger one, "When we get to heaven we get a new body." After a short pause, "and a new head too."

Inside information

The priest said to the poor farmer, "If you had a horse, would you give it to the Lord?" "Yes." "And if you had a cow?" "Absolutely." "And a goat?" "Sure." "A pig?" "Now, that's not fair!" protested the farmer. "You know I have a pig!"

Good one Dad

When I was little, my dad had me convinced the ice cream truck only played music when it was sold out. Well played, Dad, well played.

Today’s thought

All those in favor of reducing gasoline consumption, raise your right foot.

Friday's Funnies

Modern technology

I was visiting my daughter last week. I asked her a simple question – could I borrow the newspaper? “This is the 21st century Dad”, my daughter said. “We don’t waste money on newspapers. Here, you can borrow my iPad.”  I can tell you, that fly never knew what hit it!

Collecting...

"What am I supposed to do with this?" grumbled the motorist, as the police officer handed him a receipt for his speeding traffic fine. "Keep it," the officer advised. "When you get three of them, you get a bicycle."

Don't wash your hair in the shower

It’s so good to finally get a health warning that is useful!  INVOLVES THE SHAMPOO WHEN IT RUNS DOWN YOUR BODY WHEN YOU SHOWER WITH IT WARNING!  I don’t know WHY I didn’t figure this out sooner!  I use shampoo in the shower.  When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body, and printed very clearly on the shampoo label is this warning:  “FOR EXTRA BODY AND VOLUME.”
No wonder I have been gaining weight!  Well! I got rid of that shampoo and I am going to start showering with Dawn dishwashing soap instead. Its label reads:  “DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE.”  Problem solved!  If I don’t answer the phone I’ll be in the shower!

Good Neighbors

After living in our house for four years, we were moving out of state. My husband had backed the truck up to our garage door so that we could start loading all of the boxes. Just then one of our neighbors came walking across the lawn carrying a plate full of muffins. "Isn't that thoughtful," my husband said to me. "They must have realized that we packed our kitchen stuff." The neighbor then stuck out his hand and boomed, "Welcome to the neighborhood!"

Ouch

So a pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible." "What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine." "What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before." "Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now." The bartender replied, "Well, okay, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?" The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook but I'm fine, really." "What about that eye patch?" "Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and one of them pooped in my eye." "You're kidding," said the bartender. "You couldn't lose an eye just from a little bird poop." "It was my first day with the hook."

Goldmine!

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my four-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs.  One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, “The tooth fairy will never believe this!”

First class Blonde

A plane is on its way to Toronto when a blonde in economy class gets up and moves to the first class section and sits down.  The flight attendant watches her do this, and asks to see her ticket.  She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class, and that she will have to sit in the back.  The blonde replies, "I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Toronto, and I’m staying right here!"  The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde sitting in first class that belongs in economy, and won't move back to her seat.  The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy she will have to leave and return to her original seat.  The blonde replies, "I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Toronto, and I’m staying right here!"  The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won't listen to reason.  The pilot says, "You say she is a blonde? I'll handle this - I’m married to a blonde. I speak blonde."  He goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and she says, "Oh! I'm sorry!" and gets up and goes back to her seat in economy.  The flight attendant and co-pilot are dumbstruck and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss?  "I told her, "first class isn't going to Toronto... "

Don't worry

A man who had been caught embezzling millions from his employer went to a lawyer seeking defense. He didn’t want to go to jail. But his lawyer told him, “Don’t worry. You’ll never have to go to jail with all that money.” And the lawyer was right. When the man was sent to prison, he didn’t have a dime.

Walking out

“I hope you didn’t take it personally, Pastor,” an embarrassed woman said after a church service, “when my husband walked out during your sermon.”  “I did find it rather disconcerting,” the preacher replied.

“It’s not a reflection on you, sir,” insisted the churchgoer.  “Ralph has been walking in his sleep ever since he was a child.”

Tea for two

Little Johnny was left to fix lunch.  When his mother returned with a friend, she noticed that Johnny had already strained the tea.  The two women then sipped their tea happily while having lunch.  “Was it hard finding the tea strainer in the kitchen?” Johnny’s mother asked.  “I couldn’t find it Ma, so I used the fly swatter,” he replied.  His mother nearly fainted, so Johnny hastily added:  “Don’t get excited, Ma, I used the old one!”

Thought

If a tomato is a fruit, does that make ketchup a smoothie?

Friday's Funnies

Adoption

The couple was delighted when their long wait to adopt a baby came to an end. The adoption center called and told them that there was a wonderful Russian baby boy available. The couple accepted him without hesitation.  On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses.  After they filled out the forms, the registration clerk inquired, “Whatever possessed you to study Russian?”  The couple said proudly, “We just adopted a Russian baby. In a year or so, when he begins to talk, we want to be able to understand him.”

FIRE

The town's fire marshall was conducting a health and safety course at the senior center.  He asked Mrs. Frobisher, "In the event of a fire, what steps would you take?"  Mrs. Frobisher answered, "Really big ones."

Diagnosis

The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test.  Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, “How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?”  A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, “A basketball coach?”

The Funny Wisdoms of Life

1. The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity. But not in that order – Brian Pickrell

2. Never miss an opportunity to make others happy, even if you have to leave them alone in order to do it – Author unknown

3. He has a face like a Saint – A Saint Bernard – Unknown

4. I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don’t know the answer – Douglas Adams

5. Silence and smile are two powerful words. Smile is the way to solve many problems and Silence is the way to avoid many problems – Anon

6. Knowledge talks, wisdom listens

7. There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full – Henry Kissinger

8. He could start a row in an empty house – Sir Alex Ferguson on footballer Dennis Wise

9. I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure – Clarence Darrow

10. He has all the virtues I dislike, and none of the vices I admire – Winston Churchill

11. I used to be indecisive, now I’m not so sure – W.C. Fields

12. In the book of life, the answers aren’t in the back – Charlie Brown

13. To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funny bone – Reba McEntire

14. Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway – Anon

15. Mistakes are painful when they happen, but years later a collection of mistakes called Experience leads us to success

Rejected invitation

Mrs. Jones was reading a letter at breakfast. Suddenly she looked up suspiciously at her husband.  “Henry,” she said, “I’ve just received a letter from mother saying she isn’t accepting our invitation to come and stay, as we do not appear to want her. What does she mean by that? I told you to write and say that she was to come at her own convenience. You did write, didn’t you?”  “Er, yes, I did,” said the husband. “But I couldn’t spell ‘convenience’, so I made it ‘risk’.”

How To Change Your Oil

Women:

Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 since the last oil change.

Drink a cup of coffee.

15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Men:

Go to O’Reilly auto parts and write a check for 50 dollars for oil, filter, oil lift (AKA kitty litter), hand cleaner and scented tree.

Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking it back to O’Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.

Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.

Place drain pan under engine.

Look for 9/16 box end wrench.

Give up and use crescent wrench.

Unscrew drain plug.

Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; get hot oil on you in process.

Clean up.

Look for oil filter wrench.

Give up; poke oil filter with Phillips screwdriver and twist it off.

Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.

Throw oil lift (AKA kitty litter) on oil spilled.

Install new oil filter making sure to apply thin coat of clean oil to gasket first.

Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.

Remember drain plug from earlier step.

Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.

Hurry to replace drain plug before the whole quart of fresh oil drains onto floor.

Slip with wrench and bang knuckles on frame.

Clean up; apply Band-Aid to knuckle.

Dump in additional 4 quarts of oil.

Lower car from jack stands.

Accidentally crush one of the jack stands.

Move car back to apply more oil lift (AKA kitty litter) to fresh oil spilled.

Drive car.

Who shot the deer?

A lawyer, doctor, and preacher went hunting together. When a prize buck ran past them they all fired at the exact same moment and the buck dropped.  However, there was only one bullet hole and they didn't know which of them shot it. So they took it to the registration center, not knowing who should tag it.   The agent said, "Let me look at the deer. Sometimes I can figure it out."   He asked a few questions, examined the deer carefully, and declared, "The preacher shot this buck!"  Amazed, they all asked how he knew. Stooping down he pointed out the wound, "See here. It went in one ear and out the other."