While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch.
After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant and resumed their trip.
When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table and she didn't miss them until they had been driving about twenty minutes.
By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around, in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.
All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her -- the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up one minute.
To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. As the woman got out of the car and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her, "While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card."
+++++
I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.
I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, 'If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?'
'No, I had to stop drinking years ago', the homeless woman told me.
'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' I asked.
'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said. 'I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.'
'Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?' I asked.
'Are you NUTS !' replied the homeless woman. ' I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!'
'Well,' I said, 'I'm not going to give you the money.
Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.'
The homeless Woman was shocked. 'Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.'
I said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.'
+++++
Test for ya...
Are you a Democrat, Republican or Redneck from Montana? Here is a little test that will help you decide. The answer can be found by posing the following question:
- You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, an Islamic terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you.
- You are carrying a Glock cal 40, and you are an expert shot.
- You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?
--------
Democrat's answer:
Well, that's not enough information to answer the question! Does the man look poor! Or oppressed? Am I wrong to profile him this quickly as a Muslim? Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack? Should we run away and avoid a confrontation? What does my wife think? What about the kids? What will our neighbors think? What does the law say about this situation? Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children? Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me? Why is this street so deserted? We need to raise taxes, have paint and weed day and make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.
--------
Republican's answer:
BANG!
--------
Redneck answer:
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
Click..... (Sounds of reloading) BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click
Daughter: 'Nice shootin', Daddy! Were those the silver tips or hollow points?
Son: Can I shoot the next one?
Wife: And you ain't taking this one to the taxidermist.
+++++
The Wal-Mart Cat
A blonde was weed-eating her yard and accidentally cut off the tail of her cat which was hiding in the grass. She rushed her cat, along with the tail over to WALMART!
Why WALMART???
HELLOOOOOOOOO!
WALMART is the largest retailer in the world!!!
Friday, November 16, 2007
Friday, November 9, 2007
Funnies for 11/09/2007
LEXIOGRAMS
-A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired.
-What's the definition of a will? It's a dead giveaway.
-Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
-She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
-A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
-If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
-With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
-When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
-The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
-A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
-He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
-A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and 'taint mine.
-A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
-He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
-Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
-When you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
-Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
-When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
-Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
-Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
+++++
MARRIAGE SEMINAR
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes." He addressed the man, "Can you name your wife's favorite flower?" Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?
WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee. The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee." Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee." Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me." So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says. "HE BREWS"
+++++
The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:0 0 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM ." He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM . Wake up."
+++++
HOW TO INSTALL A HOME SECURITY SYSTEM
1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's work boots size 14-16 (used).
2. Place them on front porch, along with a copy of Gun And Ammo Magazine.
3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazine.
4. Leave a note on your door that reads:
Hay Bubba,
"Big Jim, Duke, Slim, and me gone for more ammunition. Will be back in one hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls-- they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up real bad. I don't think Killer took part in it, but it was hard to tell from all the blood. Anyway, I locked all of the dog's in the house. Better just wait outside until we can get back."
+++++
"Wedding dress"
When my sister Andrea got married, she asked to wear mother's wedding dress. The day she tried it on for the first time I was sitting with Mother in the living room as Andrea descended the stairs. The gown was a perfect fit on her petite frame. Mother's eyes welled with tears. I put my arm around her.
"You're not losing a daughter," I reminded her in time-honored fashion. "You're gaining a son."
"Oh, forget about that!" she said with a sob. "I used to fit into that dress!"
-A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired.
-What's the definition of a will? It's a dead giveaway.
-Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
-She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
-A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
-If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
-With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
-When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
-The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
-A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
-He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
-A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and 'taint mine.
-A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
-He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
-Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
-When you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
-Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
-When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
-Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
-Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
+++++
MARRIAGE SEMINAR
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes." He addressed the man, "Can you name your wife's favorite flower?" Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?
WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee. The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee." Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee." Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me." So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says. "HE BREWS"
+++++
The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:0 0 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM ." He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM . Wake up."
+++++
HOW TO INSTALL A HOME SECURITY SYSTEM
1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's work boots size 14-16 (used).
2. Place them on front porch, along with a copy of Gun And Ammo Magazine.
3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazine.
4. Leave a note on your door that reads:
Hay Bubba,
"Big Jim, Duke, Slim, and me gone for more ammunition. Will be back in one hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls-- they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up real bad. I don't think Killer took part in it, but it was hard to tell from all the blood. Anyway, I locked all of the dog's in the house. Better just wait outside until we can get back."
+++++
"Wedding dress"
When my sister Andrea got married, she asked to wear mother's wedding dress. The day she tried it on for the first time I was sitting with Mother in the living room as Andrea descended the stairs. The gown was a perfect fit on her petite frame. Mother's eyes welled with tears. I put my arm around her.
"You're not losing a daughter," I reminded her in time-honored fashion. "You're gaining a son."
"Oh, forget about that!" she said with a sob. "I used to fit into that dress!"
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)