Friday's Funnies

Advice from Dad

A young boy and his dad went out fishing one fine morning. After a few quiet hours out in the boat, the boy became curious about the world around him. He looked up at his dad and asked “How do fish breathe under water?”

His dad thought about it for a moment, then replied, “I really don’t know, son.”

The boy sat quietly for another moment, then turned back to his dad and asked, “How does our boat float on the water?”

Once again his dad replied, “Don’t know, son.”

Pondering his thoughts again, a short while later, the boy asks “Why is the sky blue?”

Again, his dad replied. “Don’t know, son.”

The inquisitive boy, worried he was annoying his father, asks this time “Dad, do you mind that I’m asking you all of these questions?”

“Of course not son.” replied his dad, “How else are you ever going to learn anything?”

Illness

I had the toughest time of my life. First, I got angina pectoris and then arteriosclerosis. Just as I was recovering from these, I got tuberculosis, double pneumonia and phthisis. Then they gave me hypodermics. Appendicitis was followed by tonsillectomy. These gave way to aphasia and hypertrophic cirrhosis. I completely lost my memory for a while. I know I had diabetes and acute ingestion, besides gastritis, rheumatism, lumbago and neuritis. I don’t know how I pulled through it. It was the hardest spelling test I’ve ever had.

How old are you?

- The biggest disadvantage of old age is that you can’t outgrow it.

- She’s getting crows feet around her eyes. And I’ll tell you, that crow has big feet!

- You know you’re past your prime when every time you suck in your gut, your ankles swell.

- I don’t like to do things now that I did 20 years ago — like look in the mirror.

- I’m middle-age, middle-class, and middle-of-the-road. I feel like that white stuff in the middle of an Oreo.

- I don’t feel a day older than I did a hundred years ago.

- Sometimes I feel old enough to be my own father.

- You know you’re past your prime when you start getting air-guitar elbow.

- Age always corresponds inversely to the size of your multi-vitamin.

Degree

The young single mom had to juggle two part-time jobs while taking care of her children and going to college.  With the help of an espresso machine donated by a friend, she made it through  many long nights of study and long days of work and class.  At last, she earned her degree.  She was graduated summa cum latte.

Dear Bubba

Dear Bubba,

I have been unable to sleep since I broke off your engagement to my daughter. Will you forgive and forget?

I was much too sensitive about your Mohawk, tattoo and pierced nose. I now realize that motorcycles aren’t really that dangerous, and I really should not have reacted that way to the fact that you have never held a job. I am sure, too, that some other very nice people live under the bridge in the park.

Sure my daughter is only 18 and wants to marry you instead of going to Harvard on full scholarship. After all, you can’t learn everything about life from books.

I sometimes forget how backward I can be. I was wrong. I was a fool. I have now come to my senses, and you have my full blessing to marry my daughter.

Sincerely,

Your future father-in-law

P.S. Congratulations on winning this week’s lottery.

More one liners

~ I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

~ I think most everyone would agree that trampolines are awesome. Except for kangaroos. They're probably unimpressed.

~ I'm always disappointed when a liar's pants don't actually catch on fire.

~ I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

~ If at first you don't succeed, try doing it the way your wife told you to.

~ If there was a Pessimist Award, I doubt if I could win it.

~ If you expect the world to be fair with you because you are fair with them, it is like expecting a lion to not eat you because you don't eat lion.

~ Pirates always talk about sailing the seven seas...but aren't all the seas connected? How is it not just one?

~ Raisin cookies that look like chocolate chip cookies are the main reason I have trust issues.

~ Someone showed me how static electricity worked today. I was shocked.

~ They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.

~ Today's housekeeping tip: Always keep several get-well cards on the mantle. That way, if unexpected guests arrive, they'll think you've been sick and unable to clean.

~ Your call is very important to us. Please enjoy this 40-minute flute solo.

Today’s Thought

Apparently, "vegetarian" is an old Indian word for "bad hunter."

Friday's Funnies

Church For Everyone

A church congregation decided to have four worship services each Sunday.  There was one for those new to the faith.  Another for those who liked traditional worship.  One for those who'd lost their faith and would like to get it back. And another for those who had bad experiences with churches and were complaining about it. The church came up with a different name for each of the four services: "Finders," "Keepers," "Losers," "Weepers."

Sven & Ole

Two Minnesota engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.  A woman walks by asks what they were doing.  "Ve're supposed to find da height of dis flagpole, “said Sven, "but ve don't haff a ladder."  The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground.  Then she took a tape measure from her pocketbook, took a measurement, announced, "Twenty-one feet, six inches," and walked away.  Ole shook his head and laughed. "Ain't dat just like a voman! Ve ask fer da height and she gives us da length!"  Sven and Ole have since quit their engineering jobs and are currently serving in the United States Senate.

The Hereafter

The preacher came to call the other day. He said at my age I should be thinking of the hereafter. I told him, "Oh, I do it all the time. No matter where I am — in the bedroom, upstairs, in the kitchen, or down in the basement — I ask myself, 'Now, what am I here after?'"

Silence Is Golden

Fred and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year. Every year Fred would say, "Edna, I'd like to ride in that there airplane." And every year Edna would say, "I know, Fred, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars." One year Fred and Edna went to the fair and Fred said, "Edna, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year, I may never get another chance." Edna replied, "Fred, that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars." The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word, it's ten dollars." Fred and Edna agreed, and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was heard. He did all his tricks over again, but still not a word. They landed and the pilot turned to Fred. "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't." Fred replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Edna fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."

Wearing multiple hats

In one small town the Sheriff was also the Veterinarian.  One night an agitated citizen phoned him: "We need you right away!"  "Do you need me as the sheriff or the vet?”  "Both!  We can't get our dog's mouth open, and there's a burglar in it!"

Birthday idea

Guy 1: "It's the wife's birthday today. Last week I asked her what she wanted as a present."

Guy 2: "So what did she ask for?"

Guy 1: "She said, 'Oh, I don't know, just give me something with diamonds.'  And so I'm giving her a deck of playing cards."

The South

Y'all kin say whut y'all want 'about the South, but y'all never heard o' nobody retirin' an' movin' North.

Alabama - A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.  "Where's Henry?" the others asked.  "Henry had a stroke o' some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied.  "You left Henry layin' out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired.  "A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one's gonna steal Henry!"

Louisiana - A senior citizen in Louisiana was overheard saying... "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana ..."  When asked why, he replied, "I'd rather be in Louisiana 'cause everythang happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the world."

Mississippi - The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"  Bubba replied, "Did y'all see who it was?"  The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got yer license number."

North Carolina - A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.  A passerby studied the scene as he drove by, and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.  The man replied, "I got a flat tahr."  The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"  The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither."

Tennessee - A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65. The trooper asked, "Got any ID?"  The driver replied, "Bout whut?"

Texas - The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head." "Yep," he replied. "That's why I'm dumpin' it here, 'cause it says: 'Fine For Dumping Garbage.' "

Today’s thought

Years ago some research found that if all the people who slept in church were laid end to end...they would be a lot more comfortable.

Friday's Funnies

A Wise School Teacher

A school teacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school: "If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I'll promise not to believe everything he says happens at home."

American Airlines Pilot's Pre-Flight Announcement...

On our flight today, we will be flying at 34,000 feet. To give you an idea of how high that is, we would be able to fly over 50 Empire State buildings stacked one on top the other. Our speed will be about 500 miles per hour. That is just over the muzzle velocity of the standard military .45 pistol. We will be pushed along by two Pratt and Whitney JT-8D-200 turbofan engines. While thrust to horsepower varies with altitude, the total 40,000 pounds of thrust is greater than the combined power of 10 D-9 diesel locomotives. In other words, we're faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive, and able to leap tall buildings in a single bound, and, as always, your Dallas-based crew stands for truth, justice, and the AMERICAN way!

School Daze

TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE: No, teacher, it's the same dog.

UNANSWERED QUESTIONS

Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety-one?

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one out of five enjoys it?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?

If people from Poland are called Poles, then why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist?

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, then doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP? ?

Do Lipton Tea employees take "coffee breaks?"

What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?

Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

As income tax time approaches, did you ever notice: When you put the two words "The" and "IRS" together, it spells " THEIRS"?

Job impressions

I had always talked about my job a lot at home, and my young daughter had always expressed great interest. So I thought it would be a treat for her to spend the day with me at the office. Since I wanted it to be a surprise, I didn’t tell her where we were going, just that it would be fun. Although usually a bit shy, she seemed excited to meet each colleague I introduced. On the way home, however, she seemed somewhat down.  “Didn’t you have a nice time?” I asked.  “Well, it was okay,” she responded. “But I thought it would be more like a circus.”  Confused, I asked, “Whatever do you mean?”  She said, “Well, you said you work with a bunch of clowns, and I never got to see them!”

One liners

~ A cop just knocked on my door and told me my dogs were chasing people on bikes. My dogs don't even own bikes!

~ A word to the wise: Never allow a tobacco-chewing dyslexic near your "tips" jar.

~ All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

~ All this time I thought PTA stood for Parents To Avoid...my bad.

~ All those in favor of reducing gasoline consumption, raise your right foot.

~ Baseball - what a great job! Where else would a .250 efficiency rate get you a $10 million raise?

~ Become richer instantly...desire less.

~ Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

~ Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.

~ Help keep the kitchen clean: Eat out.

~ I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

~ I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

~ I got an email today from Facebook telling me about the notifications I missed today. Great, now my Facebook is set to "nag"!

~ I planted my tomatoes late. How do I make them ketchup?

Today’s Thought

Some people are so poor; all they have is money.

Friday's Funnies

'Twas the Month after Christmas

'Twas the month after Christmas, and all through the house,
Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.
The cookies I'd nibbled, the eggnog I'd taste,
At the holiday parties had gone to my waist.
When I got on the scales there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).
I'd remember the marvelous meals I'd prepared,
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared.
The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese,
And the way I'd never said, "No thank you, please."
As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt,
And prepared once again to do battle with dirt.
I said to myself, as I only can,
"You can't spend a winter disguised as a man!"
So — away with the last of the sour cream dip,
Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip.
Every last bit of food that I like must be banished,
'Till all the additional ounces have vanished.
I won't have a cookie — not even a lick,
I'll want only to chew on a long celery stick.
I won't have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie,
I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.
I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore,
But isn't that what January is for?
Unable to giggle, no longer a riot,
Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!

Worldly items

There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.  An angel hears his plea and appears to him, "Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you."  The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules. 

The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel reappears and informs the man that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed.

Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter. Seeing the suitcase Peter says, "Hold on, you can't bring that in here!"

But the man explains to him that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord. Sure enough, Peter checks and comes back saying, "You're right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check its contents before letting it through."

Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims, "You brought pavement?!?!"

Nervous Flyer

During a trip from California to Indiana, it didn't help that my connecting flight from Denver was delayed twice because of mechanical problems. Then, after we were aloft, I noticed the lights began flickering. I mentioned this to a flight attendant. "I'll take care of it," she said. Moments later the lights went out. Clearly she had solved the problem by turning off all the lights. A passenger across the aisle who had been watching me leaned over and said, "Whatever you do, please don't ask about the engines."

New grocery store

A new supermarket opened near my house. It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain. When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh mown hay. In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions. When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying. The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread and cookies. PS: I don't buy toilet paper there any more.

Bikers

A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three rugged-looking motorbikers walked in. The first walked up to the old man and pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie, and then he took a seat at the counter. The second walked up to the old man and spit into the old man's milk, and then he took a seat at the counter. The third walked up to the old man and turned over the old man's plate, and then he took a seat at the counter. Without a word of protest, the old man quietly paid for his meal and left the diner. Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, "Humph, not much of a man, was he?" The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver, either. He just backed his truck over three motorcycles."

Pastor's Memorable Wedding

At a wedding ceremony that I was performing, I raised my hand to give the final blessing. The bride misunderstood my gesture and surprised me with a high-five. Not wanting to exclude the groom, I offered him a high-five, too. I was finally able to get my blessing in, amid the laughter of the guests.

Today’s Thought

I thought I got in the last word...But it was just the first word of another argument.