Friday's Funnies

TOP TEN WAYS YOU KNOW YOU'RE IN A SKETCHY CHURCH

10. The church bus has gun racks.

9. The church staff consists of Senior Pastor, Associate Pastor and Socio-pastor.

8. The Bible they use is the "Dr. Seuss Version."

7. There's an ATM in the lobby.

6. The choir wears leather robes.

5. Worship services are B.Y.O.S.: "Bring Your Own Snake."

4. No cover charge, but communion is a two-drink minimum.

3. Karaoke Worship Time.

2. Ushers ask, "Smoking or Non-smoking?"

1. The only song the organist knows is "In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida."

Super Bowl Church

It was Super Bowl Sunday and in our Presbyterian church the time for the collection of tithes and offerings was approaching. The minister, a true sports enthusiast, reached into his pocket, took out a quarter, flipped it into the air, glanced at it as it landed, then in typical referee fashion joyfully announced: "The ushers have elected to receive!"

How to Train a Cat

Our young daughter had adopted a stray cat. To my distress, he began to use the back of our new sofa as a scratching post. "Don't worry," my husband reassured me. "I'll have him trained in no time."  I watched for several days as my husband patiently "trained" our new pet. Whenever the cat scratched, my husband deposited him outdoors to teach him a lesson.  The cat learned quickly. For the next 16 years, whenever he wanted to go outside, he scratched the back of the sofa.

Memory

Two men were talking. The first says, "My wife has the worst memory I ever heard of." The second man replies, "Forgets everything, eh?" "No, she remembers everything."

Shingles?

Kevin walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Kevin said: "Shingles." So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.  Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Kevin what he had. Kevin said, "Shingles." So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Kevin to wait in the examining room.  A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Kevin what he had. Kevin said, "Shingles." So the nurse gave Kevin a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Kevin to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.  An hour later the doctor came in and found Kevin sitting patiently in the nude and asked Kevin what he had.  Kevin said, "Shingles."   The doctor asked, "Where?"  Kevin said, "Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'em?" 

Diamond Ring

A Texan came across his grandmother's diamond ring.  He had a friend who was an appraiser in a jewelry store.  He told her about the ring, took her out to lunch and handed her the diamond ring. She got out her loupe, examined the ring and handed it back.  A man at the next table thought to himself, "These Texas women are tough".

FOOTBALL THEOLOGY

1. DRAFT CHOICE - the decision to sit close to a heating vent in winter or an air conditioning vent in Summer.
2. END ZONE - the pews.
3. THREE POINT STANCE - being present, on time, with your Bible in hand.
4. PASS INTERFERENCE - what Mama does with her eyes when she sees Johnny writing a note to his friends in church.
5. IN THE POCKET - where too many church members keep God's tithe and their offerings.
6. QUARTERBACK SNEAK - Sunday School officers and teachers entering the building five minutes after Sunday School begins.
7. TWO MINUTE WARNING - the Chairman of the Board sitting on a front row pew, taking a look at his watch in full view of the preacher.
8. BENCH WARMER - an inactive church member.
9. FUMBLE - a lousy sermon.
10. REFEREE - a nursery worker presiding over differences of opinion as to who was playing with the doll first.
11. DEAD HEAT - a lukewarm church member waking up in the middle of a dynamic and colorful sermon on hell.
12. EXTRA POINT - what you receive when you tell the preacher his sermon was too short.
13. CHEERLEADERS - ladies complimenting the preacher on his sermon.
14. QUARTERBACK - what church members, who believe religion is free, want after putting 50 cents in the offering.
15. PASSING GAME - what the ushers do with offering plates on Sunday morning.
16. HEAD COACH - the pastor.
17. ASSISTANT COACHES - ministerial staff and Sunday School teachers.
18. GROUND CREW - custodians.
19. END AROUND - diaper changing time in the nursery.
20. INTERFERENCE - whispering and talking during the sermon.
21. ILLEGAL MOTION - leaving before the benediction.
22. PENALTY - what the church gets when its members stay home.
23. PUNT - what the pastor does when nothing else seems to work.
24. HUDDLE - weekly meeting of the church gossip team.
25. QUARTERBACK SACK - the bag in which the ushers place the morning offering.
26. CLIPPING - what the church historian is always doing.
27. NOSE GUARD - a nursery worker during the flu season.
28. SUPER BOWL CHAMPION - a church doing the will of God.
29. WIDE RECEIVERS - overweight ushers waddling down the aisle to receive the morning offering.

Today’s Thought

At the bakery, I order a Bran Muffin every day...I am one of their regular customers.

Friday's Funnies

Chemo

My wife, Mary, had a lumpectomy and is going through 12 weeks of chemotherapy. The other day, she told our four-year-old granddaughter, Emily, that, because of the chemo, all her hair would fall out.  Emily looked at Mary with surprise and asked, "Does that mean I'll have two grandpas?"

Perspective

There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.   An angel hears his plea and appears to him, "Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you."  The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules.  The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel reappears and informs the man that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed.  Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter. Seeing the suitcase Peter says, "Hold on, you can't bring that in here!"  But the man explains to him that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord. Sure enough,. Peter checks and comes back saying, "You're right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check its contents before letting it through."  Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims, "You brought pavement?!?!"   (See Revelation 21:21)

Did you know?

The only nation whose name begins with an “A” but doesn’t end in an “A” is Afghanistan.

Green's Gourmet Grocery

A customer at Green's Gourmet Grocery marveled at the proprietor's quick wit and intelligence.  "Tell me, Green, what makes you so smart?"  "I wouldn't share my secret with just anyone," Green replies, lowering his voice so the other shoppers won't hear. "But since you're a good and faithful customer, I'll let you in on my secret: Fish heads. You eat enough of them, you'll be positively brilliant."  "You sell them here?" the customer asks.  "Only $4 apiece," says Green.  The customer buys three. A week later, he's back in the store complaining that the fish heads were disgusting and he isn't any smarter.  "You didn't eat enough of them," says Green. The customer goes home with 20 more fish heads. Two weeks later, he's back and this time he's really angry.  "Hey, Green," he says, "you're selling me fish heads for $4 apiece when I can buy the whole fish for $2. You're ripping me off!"  "You see?" says Green. "You're smarter already."

How Come?

Little Johnny asked one of his sister's suitors, "How come you show up every night to see my sister when you have one of your own?"

Deep Thoughts About Pigs and Sheep

Do you think sheep know when you're pulling the wool over their eyes?

Does the person who inventories sheep often fall asleep on the job?

If a pig is sold to the pawn shop is it then called a ham-hock?

If we make sweaters out of a sheep's hair, what do the sheep use to make sweaters?

If you pushed a pig down a hill would he be a sausage roll?

What do pigs say when they don't want to do something? Would it be 'Yea when humans fly'?

What do sheep count when they can't get to sleep?

Why do pigs have curly tails?

Why do we call them guinea pigs when they are neither from Guinea nor are they pigs?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why is it that only pigs and humans can get sunburn?

Why is it that the first thing we try to do after killing a pig is to cure it?

Would a small pig be called a hamlet?

Sunday School

Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong message on the devil.  One said to the other, "What do you think about all this Satan stuff?"  The other boy replied, "Well, you know how Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy turned out. It's probably just your Dad."

Homebound

While I was dining out with my children, a man came over to our table, and we started talking. He asked where my kids go to school. I told him we home-schooled them. With a raised eyebrow, he asked if my husband is the sole breadwinner for our family. I said, "No, I also work ... out of our home." Then, noticing our two-month-old son, he mentioned that his daughter had just had a baby, and he wondered what hospital our son was born in. "He was born at home," I answered. The man looked at me, then said, "Wow, you don't get out much, do you?"

Another airhead joke

An airhead went to Florida to go to Disney World.  On the way, he saw a sign that said "Disney World Left."  So he went home.

Today’s Thought

I don’t know how to act my age. I've never been this age before.

Friday's Funnies

New Year’s Eve One Liners

• A New Year’s resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.
• I’ll remember 2013 like it was yesterday.
• May all your troubles last as long as your New Year’s resolutions.
• Every year I make a resolution to change myself……. this year I’m making a resolution to be myself!
• My New Year’s Resolution is to break my New Year’s Resolutions….That way I succeed at something!
• New Year’s is just a holiday created by calendar companies who don’t want you reusing last year’s calendar.
• My 2014 resolution is for everyone else to gain the 50 pounds I refuse to lose.
• Tonight the Mayor is dropping the ball in New York while Congress is dropping the ball in Washington.
• New Year’s resolution is 1080p.

 The Chandelier 

The Pastor of a small country chapel asked the deacons if they would consider installing a chandelier in the Chapel. They met at length to discuss the issue and reported back to him that they had decided against the idea for three reasons: 1) The Secretary did not know how to spell it in the minutes. 2) If they bought one, they had nobody who could play it. 3) They thought that the money could be better used improving the lighting in the Church.

You've Had Too Much Coffee When...

-          You answer the door before people knock.

-          You just completed another sweater and you don't know how to knit.

-          You spend your vacations visiting "Maxwell House"

-          You ski uphill.

-          You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.

-          You can type sixty words per minute with your feet.

-          You speed walk in your sleep.

-          The Nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.

-          You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.

-          You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.

-          You sleep with your eyes open.

-          You have to watch videos in fast-forward.

-          You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.

-          The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.

-          Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.

-          Instant coffee takes too long.

-          You think CPR stands for "Coffee Provides Resuscitation."

-          You buy half-and-half by the barrel.

-          You can jumpstart your car without cables.

-          You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee.

-          You named your cats "Cream" and "Sugar"

-          Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.

-          You can't even remember your second cup.

-          You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.

-          Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyds of London.

Driving

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.  The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"  Mildred turned to her and said, "Yikes, am I driving ?

New Year’s Resolutions You Have No Chance At Keeping

-          When I hear a funny joke I will not reply, "LOL, LMHO, or ROTFLMHO!"

-          Start using Facebook for something other than Farmville and stupid quizzes

-          I will try to figure out why I "really" need 5 facebook accounts.

-          I resolve to work with neglected children... my own.

-          Lose 20 pounds by going to the gym!

-          I will stop using, "So, what's your URL?" as a pickup line.

-          I will spend less than five hour a day on the Internet.

-          I will read the manual... just as soon as I can find it.

-          Spend less than $1000 for coffee at Starbucks this year.

-          Stop repeating myself again, and again, and again.

-          I will stop tagging pictures of myself in pictures even when I’m not in them

-          I will think of a password other than "password"

Awful Time

"I've just had the most awful time," said a boy to his friends. "First I got angina pectoris, then arteriosclerosis. Just as I was recovering, I got psoriasis. They gave me hypodermics, and to top it all, tonsillitis was followed by appendectomy."  "Wow! How did you pull through?" sympathized his friends.  "I don't know," the boy replied. "Toughest spelling test I ever had."

Today’s Thought

Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.