Languages
A
linguistics professor was lecturing to his English class one day. "In
English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some
languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative.
However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."
A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
Moving
The orthopedic surgeon I work for was
moving to a new office, and his staff was helping transport many of the items.
I sat the display skeleton in the front of my car, his bony arm across the back
of my seat. I hadn't considered the drive across town. At one traffic light,
the stares of the people in the car beside me became obvious, and I looked
across and explained, "I'm delivering him to my doctor's office." The
other driver leaned out of his window. "I hate to tell you, lady," he
said, "but I think it's too late!"
Why
I was out walking with my then 4-year-old
daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her
mouth. I asked her not to do that. "Why?" "Because it's been laying outside and is
dirty and probably has germs." At this point, she looked at me with total
admiration and asked, "Wow! How do you know all this stuff?" "Uh,"
I was thinking quickly, everyone knows this stuff, "Um, it's on the Mommy
test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mommy." "Oh. "We
walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering
this new information. "I get it!" she beamed. "Then if you
flunk, you have to be the Daddy."
Reminisce on Romance
An elderly couple were sitting on their
front porch in their rocking chairs enjoying the cooling summer breeze. The
wife was feeling a little romantic and started to reminisce. She said, "Remember
on our first date when you held my hand?" The husband smiled to himself remembering
and reached over and gently placed his hand on top of her hand. The wife,
feeling very comfortable with this, continued. "Remember on our second
date when you took me to the picture show and put your arm around me?" The
old gentleman started to get a sparkle in his eye as he reached over and put
his arm around her. Feeling a little more brazen, the wife continued. "Do
you remember how you used to nibble on my ear?" Suddenly the old man
jumped up and rushed into the house slamming the screen door as he went.
Startled, the old woman thought perhaps she had pushed things to far. But a
moment later, the old gent reappeared grinning. "Why did you run
away?" she asked. "I wasn't running away," he replied. "I
just went in to get my teeth!"
Wedding Vows
During the wedding rehearsal, the groom
approached the minister with an unusual offer. "Look, I'll give you $100
if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I'm to
promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'forsaking all others, be faithful to her
forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that part out." He
passed the minister the cash and walked away satisfied. The wedding day
arrives, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where
the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for the groom's vows, the minister
looks the young man in the eye and says, "Will you promise to prostrate
yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in
bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely
wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both
shall live?" The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice,
"Yes." The groom leaned toward the minister and hissed, "I
thought we had a deal." The minister put the $100 into his hand and
whispered back, "She made me a much better offer."
Forrest Gump Answers
Forrest Gump dies and goes to heaven. St. Peter meets him and says that before
he passes through the gates, he must first answer these three questions:
1. How many days in a week start with a "T"?
2. How many seconds are in a year?
3. What was Jesus' first name?
Peter: "So what is the answer to the first question?"
Forrest: "Two. Today and Tomorrow."
Peter: "Okay, that's not exactly what I was looking for, but it's right.
So what's the answer to the second question, Forrest?"
Forrest: "12."
Peter: "How do you figure that, Forrest?"
Forrest: "Ya know, January 2nd, February 2nd..."
Peter: "Well, that's not what I was really looking for, but it'll do. So
what is Jesus' first name?"
Forrest: "Andy!"
Peter: "Where do you get Andy from, Forrest?"
Forrest: "In a song it said 'Andy walked with me, Andy talked with
me...'"
Heaven
A husband and wife had both died and gone
to Heaven. As they were walking the streets of heaven one day the husband
couldn't get over how beautiful everything was - the presence of God, all the
angels and choirs, and all the colors. Finally, he turned to his wife and said,
"Honey, do you recall down on earth how you had us eat all that healthy
food stuff? You know, no fried chicken, no gravy, no sugar?" The wife
said, "Yes." The husband replied, "Do you realize we could have
been here about 10 years earlier if you wouldn't have done that?"
You Know You’re A
Mom When
1. You automatically double-knot
everything you tie.
2. You hear a baby cry in the grocery
store, and you start to gently sway back and forth, back and forth. And your
children are at school.
3. You actually start to like the smell
of strained carrots mixed with applesauce.
4. You get so into crafts you contemplate
writing a book called 101 Fun Crafts to do with Dryer Lint and Eggshells.
5. You are out for a nice romantic meal
with your husband, enjoying some real adult conversation, when suddenly you
realize that you've reached over and started to cut up his steak.
Today’s Thought
I can't stand people who look down on
people who look down on people.
