Chores
Wife: You need to do more chores around the house.
Husband: Can we change the subject?
Wife: Okay. More chores around the house need to be done by you.
Pain
This guy goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I ache
all over. Everywhere I touch it hurts." The doctor says, "OK. Touch
your elbow." The guy touches his elbow and winces in genuine pain. The
doctor, surprised, says "Touch your head." The guy touches his head
and jumps in agony. The doctor asks him to touch his knee and the same thing
happens. Everywhere the guy touches he hurts like crazy. The doctor is stumped
and orders a complete examination with X-rays, etc., and tells the guy to come
back in two days. Two days later the guy comes back and the doctor says
"We've found your problem." "Oh yeah? What is it?" "You've
broken your finger!"
Vincent Van Gogh’s Relatives
- A grandfather who moved to Yugoslavia: U Gogh
- A brother who worked at a convenience store: Stopen
Gogh
- A magician uncle: Wherediddy Gogh
- The aunt who taught positive thinking: Wayto Gogh
- A psychiatrist nephew: E. Gogh
- The brother who bleached his clothes: Hue Gogh
- A very obnoxious brother: Please Gogh
- A sister with a small bladder: Gotta Gogh
- A cousin that moved to Illinois: Chica Gogh
- The ballroom dancing aunt: Tan Gogh
- A second cousin that drove a stagecoach: Wells Far Gogh
- The bouncy nephew: Po Gogh
- A birdwatching uncle: Flamin Gogh
Tech Support
I hate it when I can't figure out how to operate the iPad and my tech guy is
asleep. He's 5 and it's past his bedtime.
Mystery Theater
A mystery-lover takes his place in the theater for
opening night, but his seat is way back in the theater, far from the stage. The
man calls an usher over and whispers, "I just love a good mystery, and I
have been anxiously anticipating the opening of this play. However, in order to
carefully follow the clues and fully enjoy the play, I have to watch a mystery
close-up. Look how far away I am! If you can get me a better seat, I'll give
you a handsome tip." The usher nods and says he will be back shortly.
Looking forward to a large tip, the usher speaks with his co-workers in the box
office, hoping to find some closer tickets. With just three minutes left until
curtain, he finds an unused ticket at the Will Call window and snatches it up. Returning
to the man in the back of the theater, he whispers, "Follow me." The
usher leads the man down to the second row, and proudly points out the empty
seat right in the middle. "Thanks so much," says the theatergoer,
"This seat is perfect." He then hands the usher a quarter. The usher
looks down at the quarter, leans over and whispers, "The butler did it in
the parlor with the candlestick."
Dog’s Note To Self
~ The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
~ I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee
table.
~ I will not roll my toys behind the fridge, behind the sofa or under the bed.
~ I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house.
~ I will not eat the cats' food before they eat it or after they throw it up.
~ I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the
house when I am about to get sick.
~ I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like the
way they smell.
~ I will not eat any more Kleenex or napkins and then redeposit them in the
backyard after processing.
~ The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
~ I will not chew my humans' toothbrushes and not tell them.
~ I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my people
will think I am hemorrhaging.
~ When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's
raining outside.
~ We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on
television.
~ The sofa is not a face towel; neither are Mom and Dad's laps.
~ My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
~ I will not munch on "leftovers" in the kitty litter box; although
they are tasty, they are not food.
~ I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's
license and registration.
~ I will not roll around in the dirt right after just getting a bath.
~ The toilet bowl is not a never-ending water supply and, just because the
water is blue, doesn't mean it's cleaner.
~ The cat is not a squeaky toy so when I play with him and he makes that noise,
it's usually not a good thing.
The Haircut
A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked
his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss the use of the car. His
father took him to his study and said to him, "I'll make a deal with you.
You bring your grades up, study your Bible a little and get your hair cut and
we'll talk about it." After about a month the boy came back and again
asked his father if they could discuss use of the car. They again went to the
father's study where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud of you.
You have brought your grades up, you've studied your Bible diligently, but you
didn't get your hair cut!" The young man waited a moment and replied,
"You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know, Samson had long
hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long
hair...." To which his father replied...."Yes, and they WALKED
everywhere they went!"
Today’s Thought
Everyone is fighting a battle you don't know about. Except me. I am complaining
loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
