The Invasion
I had been teaching my seventh-graders about World War II, and a test question was, "What was the largest amphibious assault of all time?" Expecting to see "the D-Day invasion" as the answer, I found instead on one paper, "Moses and the plague of frogs."
The Rating
I was meeting a friend in a restaurant and as I went in, I noticed two pretty girls looking at me. "Nine," I heard one whisper as I passed. Feeling pleased with myself, I swaggered over to my buddy and told him a girl had just rated me a nine out of ten. "I don't want to ruin it for you," he said, "but when I walked in, they were speaking German."
Great News
The young wife said to her husband when he returned from work, "I have great news for you. Pretty soon we're going to be three in this house instead of two." The husband started glowing with pride. Kissing his wife, he said, "Oh, darling, I'm the happiest man in the world." She gushed, "I'm so glad that you feel this way. My mother will be moving in with us tomorrow."
The Importance of Walking
Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $7000 per month.
I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I'm doing..
I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.
Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise', I wash my mouth out with chocolate.
The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they'll say, 'Well, she looks good doesn't she.'
If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years,...... just getting over the hill.
We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
The Perfect Husband
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes."
WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $2,000; is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$90,000."
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing... I was just talking to Marie and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $980,000 for it."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They'll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty thousand if it's what you really want."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"
MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open. He turns and asks, "Anyone know whose phone this is?"
A Friendly Sale
I took four tires to a friend’s garage sale and was asking $30 apiece. I needed to leave for a few minutes, so I asked him to watch them for me. "Sure," he said, "but if someone offers less, how low are you willing to go?" "Try for more, but I will accept $15," I said, and left. When I returned, my tires were gone. "How much did you get for them?" I asked excitedly. "Fifteen dollars each." "Who bought them?" "I did!"
Hearing Loss
I’d noticed that my 60-year-old father seemed to be losing his hearing, so I mentioned it to my mother. "Things haven’t changed that much," she said. "Only difference is, before, he didn’t listen. Now, he can’t."
Smart Soles
Never trust a man with a tassel on his loafer. It’s like, What, did your foot just graduate?
Friday, February 25, 2011
Friday, February 18, 2011
Friday's Funnies
The Way It Is
The evening news on TV is where they begin with "Good Evening" and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
The DayPlanner
My wife asked me this morning, "Whacha doin' today?" I said, "Nothing." She said, "That's what you did yesterday." I said, "I wasn't finished."
The Super Bowl
A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sat down, he noticed that the seat next to him was empty. He asked the man on the other side of the empty seat whether anyone was sitting there. "No," the man replied, "The seat is empty." "This is incredible," said the first man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world and not use it?" The second man replied, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This will be the first Super bowl we haven't been together since we got married in 1967." "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else -- a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?" The man shook his head. "No, they're all at the funeral."
Tips for Northerners Traveling South
1.) Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later on how to use it.
2.) If you forget a Southerner’s name, refer to him (or her) as Bubba. You have a 50% of being right.
3.) Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows.
4.) If you do run your car into a ditch, don’t panic. Four men in the cab of a four wheel drive pick-up truck, with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain, will be along shortly. Don’t try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
5.) Don’t be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.
6.) Do not buy food at the movie store.
7.) If it can’t be fried in bacon grease, it ain’t worth cooking, let alone eating.
8.) Remember: “Y’all” is singular. “All y’all” is plural. “All y’all’s” is plural possessive.
9.) There is nothing sillier than a Northerner imitating a southern accent, unless it is a southerner imitating a Boston accent.
10.) Get used to hearing, “You ain’t from around here, are you?”
11.) People walk slower here.
12.) Don’t be worried that you don’t understand anyone. They don’t understand you either.
13.) The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner’s vocabulary is the adjective ” big ol’ “, as in “big ol’ truck” or “big ol’ boy”. Eighty-five percent begin their new southern influenced dialect with this expression. One hundred percent are in denial about it.
14.) The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.
15.) Be advised: The ” he needed killin’ ” defense is valid here.
16.) If attending a funeral in the South, remember, we stay until the last shovel of dirt is thrown on and the tent is taken down.
17.) If you hear a Southerner exclaim “Hey y’all, watch this!”, stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.
18.) Most Southerners do not use turn signals, and they ignore those who do.
19.) Northerners can be identified by the spit on the inside of their car’s windshield that comes from yelling at other drivers.
20.) The winter wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait til after Thanksgiving.
21.) If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the most minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store and don’t ask why; it is just something you’re supposed to do.
22.) Tornadoes and Southerners going through a divorce have a lot in common. In either case, you know someone is going to lose a trailer.
23.) Florida is not considered a southern state. There are far more Yankees than Southerners living there. In Florida, the farther south you go, the farther north you get.
24.) You can ask a Southerner for directions, but unless you know the positions of key hills, trees, rocks, and “where the ol’ Piggly-Wiggly used to be”, you’re better off trying to find it yourself.
Work history
My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned…couldn’t concentrate. After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn’t suited for it…mainly because it was a so-so job. Then I tried to be a chef — figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn’t have the thyme. I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining. Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn’t hack it, so they gave me the ax. After that I worked in a blanket factory, but it folded. Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I just didn’t fit in. After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it. My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn’t noteworthy. I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn’t live on my net income. My last job was working at Starbucks, but I quit because it was always the same old grind. SO I RETIRED AND FOUND I’M PERFECT FOR THE JOB!
The evening news on TV is where they begin with "Good Evening" and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
The DayPlanner
My wife asked me this morning, "Whacha doin' today?" I said, "Nothing." She said, "That's what you did yesterday." I said, "I wasn't finished."
The Super Bowl
A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sat down, he noticed that the seat next to him was empty. He asked the man on the other side of the empty seat whether anyone was sitting there. "No," the man replied, "The seat is empty." "This is incredible," said the first man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world and not use it?" The second man replied, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This will be the first Super bowl we haven't been together since we got married in 1967." "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else -- a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?" The man shook his head. "No, they're all at the funeral."
Tips for Northerners Traveling South
1.) Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later on how to use it.
2.) If you forget a Southerner’s name, refer to him (or her) as Bubba. You have a 50% of being right.
3.) Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows.
4.) If you do run your car into a ditch, don’t panic. Four men in the cab of a four wheel drive pick-up truck, with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain, will be along shortly. Don’t try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
5.) Don’t be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.
6.) Do not buy food at the movie store.
7.) If it can’t be fried in bacon grease, it ain’t worth cooking, let alone eating.
8.) Remember: “Y’all” is singular. “All y’all” is plural. “All y’all’s” is plural possessive.
9.) There is nothing sillier than a Northerner imitating a southern accent, unless it is a southerner imitating a Boston accent.
10.) Get used to hearing, “You ain’t from around here, are you?”
11.) People walk slower here.
12.) Don’t be worried that you don’t understand anyone. They don’t understand you either.
13.) The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner’s vocabulary is the adjective ” big ol’ “, as in “big ol’ truck” or “big ol’ boy”. Eighty-five percent begin their new southern influenced dialect with this expression. One hundred percent are in denial about it.
14.) The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.
15.) Be advised: The ” he needed killin’ ” defense is valid here.
16.) If attending a funeral in the South, remember, we stay until the last shovel of dirt is thrown on and the tent is taken down.
17.) If you hear a Southerner exclaim “Hey y’all, watch this!”, stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.
18.) Most Southerners do not use turn signals, and they ignore those who do.
19.) Northerners can be identified by the spit on the inside of their car’s windshield that comes from yelling at other drivers.
20.) The winter wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait til after Thanksgiving.
21.) If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the most minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store and don’t ask why; it is just something you’re supposed to do.
22.) Tornadoes and Southerners going through a divorce have a lot in common. In either case, you know someone is going to lose a trailer.
23.) Florida is not considered a southern state. There are far more Yankees than Southerners living there. In Florida, the farther south you go, the farther north you get.
24.) You can ask a Southerner for directions, but unless you know the positions of key hills, trees, rocks, and “where the ol’ Piggly-Wiggly used to be”, you’re better off trying to find it yourself.
Work history
My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned…couldn’t concentrate. After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn’t suited for it…mainly because it was a so-so job. Then I tried to be a chef — figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn’t have the thyme. I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining. Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn’t hack it, so they gave me the ax. After that I worked in a blanket factory, but it folded. Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I just didn’t fit in. After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it. My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn’t noteworthy. I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn’t live on my net income. My last job was working at Starbucks, but I quit because it was always the same old grind. SO I RETIRED AND FOUND I’M PERFECT FOR THE JOB!
Friday, February 4, 2011
Friday's Funnies
Winter Travel
The federal government has issued a travel warning due to the cold weather. They suggest that anyone traveling in the current blizzard conditions should make sure they carry the following:
• Shovel
• Blankets or sleeping bag
• Extra clothing including hat and gloves
• 24 hours worth of food
• De-icer
• Rock salt
• Flashlight with spare batteries
• Road flares or reflective triangles
• Full spare gas can
• First aid kit
• Booster cables
I looked like an idiot on the bus this morning.
Say What?
A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect!" "Really?" answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?" "Twelve thirty..."
iSee
The father of a family - who is a big-time techie - got his oldest daughter an iPhone for her birthday. He also got an iPad for his son. Later an iPod for the youngest daughter. So when his anniversary rolled around, he got his wife an iRon. That's when the fight began.
Game Time (Oldie But Goodie)
A woman had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As she sat down, a man came along and asked her if anyone is sitting in the seat next to her. "No," she said, "the seat is empty." "This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world, and not use it?" Somberly, the woman says, "Well... The seat actually belongs to me. I was supposed to come here with my husband, but he passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we have not been to together since we got married in 1967." "Oh I'm sorry to hear that, that's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else — a friend or relative or even a neighbor to take the seat?" Shaking her head, the woman said, "No, they're all at the funeral."
LIGHTNING STRIKE!
Texas Beer Joint Sues church in Mt.Vernon, Texas. Drummond's Bar began construction on an expansion of their building to increase their business. In response, the local Baptist Church started a campaign to block the bar from expanding with petitions and prayers. Work progressed right up until the week before the grand reopening when lightning struck the bar and it burned to the ground! After the bar burned to the ground as a result of the lightning strike, the church folks were rather smug in their outlook, bragging about "the power of prayer ", until the bar owner sued the church on the grounds that the church . . ."was ultimately responsible for the demise of his building, either through direct or indirect actions or means." In its reply to the court, the church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise. The judge read through the plaintiff's complaint and the defendant's reply, and at the opening hearing he commented "I don't know how I'm going to decide this, but it appears from the paperwork that we have a bar owner who believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that now does not."
Golf tidbits
Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle:
“The best wood in most amateurs’ bags is the pencil.” –Chi Chi Rodriguez
“If you think it’s hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.” –Jack Lemmon
“Tee your ball high… air offers less resistance than dirt.” –Jack Nicklaus
“He who has the fastest golf cart never has a bad lie.” –Mickey Mantle.
Computer down
Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, “I’d like to get you guys in now, but our computer’s down. You’ll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can’t go back as priests. What’ll it be?” The first priest says, “I’ve always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky Mountains.” “So be it,” says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest. The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, “Will any of this week ‘count’, St. Peter?” “No, I told you the computer’s down. There’s no way we can keep track of what you’re doing.” “In that case,” says the second priest, “I’ve always wanted to be a stud.” “So be it” says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears. A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests. “Will you have any trouble locating them?” He asks. “The first one should be easy,” says St. Peter. “He’s somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult.” “Why?” asketh the Lord. “He’s on a snow tire, somewhere in Saskatchewan.”
Lisez-vous Francais?
An American family took their first-grader on a car trip to Canada. To help pass the time, the boy practiced his new reading skills by calling out road signs. He fell asleep just before they entered Quebec. When he awoke, he looked out his window at the highway signs - now in French - and said in a worried tone, "I think I forgot how to read while I was asleep."
Companies After Me
"I need a raise," the man said to his boss. "There are three other companies after me." "Is that so?" asked the manager. "What other companies are after you?" "The electric company, the telephone company, and the gas company."
The federal government has issued a travel warning due to the cold weather. They suggest that anyone traveling in the current blizzard conditions should make sure they carry the following:
• Shovel
• Blankets or sleeping bag
• Extra clothing including hat and gloves
• 24 hours worth of food
• De-icer
• Rock salt
• Flashlight with spare batteries
• Road flares or reflective triangles
• Full spare gas can
• First aid kit
• Booster cables
I looked like an idiot on the bus this morning.
Say What?
A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect!" "Really?" answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?" "Twelve thirty..."
iSee
The father of a family - who is a big-time techie - got his oldest daughter an iPhone for her birthday. He also got an iPad for his son. Later an iPod for the youngest daughter. So when his anniversary rolled around, he got his wife an iRon. That's when the fight began.
Game Time (Oldie But Goodie)
A woman had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As she sat down, a man came along and asked her if anyone is sitting in the seat next to her. "No," she said, "the seat is empty." "This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world, and not use it?" Somberly, the woman says, "Well... The seat actually belongs to me. I was supposed to come here with my husband, but he passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we have not been to together since we got married in 1967." "Oh I'm sorry to hear that, that's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else — a friend or relative or even a neighbor to take the seat?" Shaking her head, the woman said, "No, they're all at the funeral."
LIGHTNING STRIKE!
Texas Beer Joint Sues church in Mt.Vernon, Texas. Drummond's Bar began construction on an expansion of their building to increase their business. In response, the local Baptist Church started a campaign to block the bar from expanding with petitions and prayers. Work progressed right up until the week before the grand reopening when lightning struck the bar and it burned to the ground! After the bar burned to the ground as a result of the lightning strike, the church folks were rather smug in their outlook, bragging about "the power of prayer ", until the bar owner sued the church on the grounds that the church . . ."was ultimately responsible for the demise of his building, either through direct or indirect actions or means." In its reply to the court, the church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise. The judge read through the plaintiff's complaint and the defendant's reply, and at the opening hearing he commented "I don't know how I'm going to decide this, but it appears from the paperwork that we have a bar owner who believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that now does not."
Golf tidbits
Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle:
“The best wood in most amateurs’ bags is the pencil.” –Chi Chi Rodriguez
“If you think it’s hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.” –Jack Lemmon
“Tee your ball high… air offers less resistance than dirt.” –Jack Nicklaus
“He who has the fastest golf cart never has a bad lie.” –Mickey Mantle.
Computer down
Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, “I’d like to get you guys in now, but our computer’s down. You’ll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can’t go back as priests. What’ll it be?” The first priest says, “I’ve always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky Mountains.” “So be it,” says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest. The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, “Will any of this week ‘count’, St. Peter?” “No, I told you the computer’s down. There’s no way we can keep track of what you’re doing.” “In that case,” says the second priest, “I’ve always wanted to be a stud.” “So be it” says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears. A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests. “Will you have any trouble locating them?” He asks. “The first one should be easy,” says St. Peter. “He’s somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult.” “Why?” asketh the Lord. “He’s on a snow tire, somewhere in Saskatchewan.”
Lisez-vous Francais?
An American family took their first-grader on a car trip to Canada. To help pass the time, the boy practiced his new reading skills by calling out road signs. He fell asleep just before they entered Quebec. When he awoke, he looked out his window at the highway signs - now in French - and said in a worried tone, "I think I forgot how to read while I was asleep."
Companies After Me
"I need a raise," the man said to his boss. "There are three other companies after me." "Is that so?" asked the manager. "What other companies are after you?" "The electric company, the telephone company, and the gas company."
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