Friday's Funnies

Mysterious Auto Noises

An auto mechanic received a repair order that said to check for a clunking noise when going around corners. He took the car out for a test drive and made two right turns, each time hearing a loud clunk. Back at the shop, he returned the car to the service manager with this note: "Removed bowling ball from trunk."

Fear Not

A man was seen fleeing down the hall of the hospital just before his operation. "What's the matter?" a friend asked him. "I just heard the nurse say, ‘It's a very simple operation, don't worry, I'm sure it will be all right." "She was just trying to comfort you," the friend assured him, adding, "What's so frightening about that?" "She wasn't talking to me. She was talking to the doctor."

The Hereafter

"Do you believe in the hereafter?" the minister asked a lady. "I certainly do," she replied. "I often go into a room and say, ‘What am I here after?'"

What Matters

A city slicker came to a fork in a country road. "Hey, old-timer," he shouted to a farmer who was working out in his field. "I'm headed to Brownsville. Does it make any difference which road I take?" The old man looked at him and said, "Not to me, it don't."

Show & Tell

A kindergarten teacher gave her class a "show and tell" assignment. Each student was instructed to bring in an object to share with the class that represented their religion. The first student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Benjamin and I am Jewish and this is a Star of David." The second student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Mary. I'm a Catholic and this is a Rosary." The third student got in up front of the class and said, "My name is Tommy. I am a Baptist and this is a casserole."

A Word of Advice

"Laugh a little each day — it's better than chicken soup." At least that's what the chickens say.

Dark Parachute Jumps

Nights in England are coal black, making parachute jumps difficult and dangerous. So we attach small lights called chemlites to our jumpsuits to make ourselves visible to the rest of our team. Late one night, lost after a practice jump, we knocked on the door of a small cottage. When a woman answered, she was greeted by the sight of five men festooned in glowing chemlites. "Excuse me," I said. "Can you tell me where we are?" In a thick English accent, the woman replied, "Earth!"

Who's To Blame?

A village pastor, known for his weakness for trout, preached against fishing on Sunday. The next day one of his members presented him with a fine string of fish and said, hesitatingly, "I guess I ought to tell you, parson, that those trout were caught on Sunday." The minister hesitated, gazed appreciatively at the speckled trout, and then said piously as he reached for his gift, "The fish aren't to blame for that."

The Meeting

After a long, dry sermon, the minister announced that he wished to meet with the church board after the service. The first man to arrive was a stranger. "You misunderstood my announcement. This is a meeting of the board," said the minister. "I know," said the man. "If there is anyone here more bored than I am, I'd like to meet him."

Raving on

Some outlaws compose their own punchlines, but Malcolm Roberts chose one from his hero. The 59-year-old Briton may lose his home for jamming out to old Buddy Holly tunes too loudly. Roberts says he won't turn down the volume when he cranks out songs by the classic rock 'n' roller in his Leeds apartment. Elderly neighbors complained about the incessant and loud guitar music, and the community association has pledged to kick him out if he doesn't desist. When given the ultimatum to turn down or pack up, the Yorkshire Evening Post reported that Roberts quoted Holly: "That'll be the day when I die."

Trash into treasure

Was Doc Brown of Back to the Future fame onto something when he redesigned the flux capacitor to operate on household waste? Jeff Surma, president of Integrated Environmental Technologies, thinks so. After a few years of development, IET created a device that can turn most rubbish into an alternative energy source. Using man-made lightning, the company can vaporize, not incinerate, about one ton of garbage into about five cubic feet of glass. When scientists at IET put a tennis shoe in their plasma melter, the device vaporized most of the shoe, leaving a small glass pellet that Surma says can be used as filler for road construction. As for the nearly four gallons of gas created by vaporizing the plastic shoe: Surma says that can be turned into an alternative fuel.

Useful Metric Conversions

• 1 million phones = 1 megaphone
• 2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds
• 10 cards = 1 decacards
• 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
• 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
• 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin
• 10 rations = 1 decoration
• 100 rations = 1 C-ration
• 10 millipedes = 1 centipede
• 3 1/3 tridents = 1 decadent
• 2 monograms = 1 diagram
• 8 nickels = 2 paradigms
• 2 wharves = 1 paradox