Friday's Funnies

 Three Psychiatrists

Three aspiring psychiatrists were attending their first class on emotional extremes. "Just to establish some parameters," said the professor to the student from Arkansas, "What is the opposite of joy?"  "Sadness," said the student. "And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma. "Elation," she said. "And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas, "How about the opposite of woe?"  The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddy up."

All About Family

By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he's wrong. - Charles Wadsworth

Before I got married I had six theories about bringing up children. Now I have six children and no theories. - John Wilmott

Behind every successful man stands a surprised mother-in-law. - Hubert Humphrey

It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawn mower, snow blower, and vacuum cleaner. - Ben Bergor

My husband wanted one of those big-screen TVs for his birthday. So I just moved his chair closer to the one we have already. - Wendy Liebman

The best time to give advice to your children is while they're still young enough to believe you know what they're talking about. - Evan Esar

Middle age is having a choice between two temptations and choosing the one that'll get you home earlier. - Dan Bennettt

Rain

With all this rain, we need an ark. Fear not! I Noah guy. 

Ellen DeGeneres Quotes 

Human beings only use ten percent of their brains. Ten percent! Can you imagine how much we could accomplish if we used the other sixty percent?

I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her.

Penguins mate for life. Which doesn't really surprise me, because they all look exactly alike. It's not like they're gonna meet a better-looking penguin someday.

If you want to get rid of stuff, you can always do a good spring-cleaning. Or you can do what I do. Move.

The word "yoga" literally means "uniting," because when you're doing it you are uniting your mind and your body. You can tell this almost immediately because your mind will be thinking, "Ouch, that hurts," and your body will say, "I know." And your mind will think, "You have to get out of this position." And your body will say, "I agree with you, but I can't right now. I think I'm stuck."

So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we've checked the time by looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. 

Things Learned Living In Texas

~ A possum is a flat animal that sleeps in the middle of the road.
~ There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 of them live in Texas
~ There are 10,000 types of spiders.  All 10,000 of them live in Texas .
~ If it grows, it'll stick ya.  If it crawls, it'll bite cha.
~ 'Jaw-P?' means, 'Did y'all go to the bathroom?
~ There is no such thing as lunch. There is only dinner and then there is supper.
~ Iced tea is appropriate for all meals, and you start drinking it when you're two. We do like a little tea with our sugar.
~ "Backwards and forwards" means "I know everything about you."
~ The word 'jeet' is actually a phrase meaning, 'Did you eat?'
~ You measure distance in minutes.
~ You switch from heat to A/C in the same day.
~ You only own five spices: salt, pepper, Texas Pete, Tabasco, and Ketchup.
~ You know all four seasons: Almost summer, summer, still summer, and Christmas.
~ Fried catfish is the other white meat.

The Final Fixing of the Foolish Fugitive

Feeling footloose, fancy-free, and frisky, the feather-brained fellow finagles his fond father into forking over his fortune. Forthwith, he fled for foreign fields and frittered his farthings feasting fabulously with fair-weather friends. Finally, facing famine, and fleeced by his fellows in folly, he found himself a feed flinger in a filthy farmlot. He fain would have filled his frame with foraged food from the fodder fragments. "Fooey! My father's flunkies fare far fancier," the frazzled fugitive fumed feverishly, frankly facing fact. Frustrated from failure and filled with forebodings, he fled for his family. Falling at his father's feet, he floundered forlornly. "Father, I have flunked and fruitlessly forfeited further family favors..." But the faithful father, forestalling further flinching, frantically flagged his flunkies to fetch forth the finest fatling and fix a feast. But the fugitive's fault-finding frater, faithfully farming his father's fields for free, frowned at this fickle forgiveness of former falderal. His fury flashed, but fussing was futile. His foresighted father figured, "Such filial fidelity is fine, but what forbids fervent festivities? The fugitive is found! Unfurl the flags! With fanfare flaring, let fun, frolic, and frivolity flow freely, former failures forgotten and folly forsaken." "Forgiveness forms a firm foundation for future fortitude." 

Dad Joke

Somebody gave me a flyer on anger management. I admit, I lost it. 

Today’s Thought

Try resistance training...refuse to go to the gym.

Friday's Funnies

 Love

Love may not make the world spin around, but it certainly makes a lot of people dizzy.

 

Great Cheese

 

The customer in the Italian restaurant was so pleased with his meal that he asked to speak to the chef. The owner proudly led him into the kitchen and introduced him to the chef. "Your veal parmigiana was superb," the customer said. "I just spent a month in Italy, and yours is better than any I ever had over there." "Naturally," the chef said. "Over there, they use domestic cheese. Ours is imported!"

Put a Lid on It!

 

A soldier went up to the Company cook and said, "If you put a lid on the pan there'll be less dust and dirt in the food." The cook, very annoyed, replied, "You mind your own business. Your duty is to defend the homeland!" "That's right," said the soldier. "But my duty is to defend it, not to eat it."

 

Q & A

 

(Q:) What do you call a bear without teeth? (A:) A Gummy Bear.

 

World's First Professional

 

A doctor, an engineer, a rabbi and a lawyer were debating who was the world's first professional. The Doctor said, "It must have been a doctor. Who else could have helped with the world's first surgery of taking a rib from Adam to create Eve, the first woman?" "No," said the rabbi. "It must have been a rabbi, since the Lord needed someone to help preach his message to Adam and the world." "Wait," said the engineer. "The world was created in 6 days from nothing. Do you know what a master engineering feat that must have been to create the whole world into an organized civilized place from utter chaos?" "Yes, but who created the chaos?" asked the lawyer.

Funny Quotes

 

- I relabeled all of the jars in my wife's spice rack. I'm not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.

 

- I just read a book about marriage that says treat your wife like you treated her on your first date. So tonight after dinner I'm dropping her off at her parent's house.

- The best way to get back on your feet is to miss two car payments.

- I love bacon. Sometimes I eat it twice a day. It takes my mind off the terrible chest pains I keep getting.

- Driver: "What am I supposed to do with this speeding ticket?" Officer, "Keep it. When you collect four of them, you get a bicycle.

- I asked a supermarket employee where they kept the canned peaches. He said, "I'll see," & walked away. I asked another & he also said, "I'll see," & walked away. In the end, I gave up & found them myself, in aisle C.

- I told my physical therapist that I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.

- When I was a kid, I used to watch the "Wizard of Oz" and wonder how someone could talk if they didn't have a brain. Then I got Facebook.

- I want to be 14 again & ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.

- A guy walks into a lumberyard and asks for some 2x4s. The clerk asks, "How long do you need them?" The guy answers, "A long time. We're gonna build a house."

- I just burned 1,200 calories. I forgot the pizza in the oven.

- Who knew that the hardest thing of being an adult is figuring out what to fix for dinner and doing it every single night for the rest of your life until you die?

- I hate it when people act all intellectual and talk about Mozart when they've never even seen one of his paintings.

- Never trust an electrician with no eye brows.

- So my neighbor knocked on my front door at 3 am. 3AM!!! Luckily I was already up playing the bagpipes.

- Instead of cleaning my house, I just watch an episode of "The Hoarders," and think, "Wow! My house looks great."

 

What’s The Difference

 

What's the difference between an alligator and a crocodile? A: I could be wrong, since I'm not a zoologist, but I believe the main difference is that one you will see later and the other in a while. 

 

Bad Driver

 

You know you're a bad driver when Siri says, "In 400 feet, stop and let me out.

 

Dad Joke

 

When does a joke become a dad joke?

A: When it falls in love with a yo mama joke
B: When it becomes apparent
C: When you store it in a dad-a-bank
D: When the punchline is full groan

Today’s Thought

A ship carrying a load of red paint collided with a ship carrying a load of purple paint. Both crews were marooned.

Friday's Funnies

 Super Bowl

There was a Super Bowl football game between the big animals and the little animals. The big animals were crushing little animals. At half time the coach made a passionate speech to rally the little animals. At the start of the second half the big animals had the ball. The first play, the elephant got stopped for no gain. The second play, the rhino was stopped for no gain. On third down, the hippo was thrown for a 5-yard loss. The defense huddled around the coach, and he asked excitedly, "Who stopped the elephant?" "I did," said the centipede. "Who stopped the rhino?" "Uh, that was me too," said the centipede. "And how about the hippo? Who hit him for a 5-yard loss?" "That was me as well," said the centipede. "SO WHERE WERE YOU THE FIRST HALF?" demanded the coach. "Well," replied the centipede, "I was having my ankles taped."

What do you call forty German naysayers from San Francisco? The San Francisco Forty Neiners

 

How many Kansas City Chiefs does it take to change a flat tire? Just one. Unless it's a blowout. Then the whole team shows up.

 

Top 10

Whenever I read a list of "Top 10 things to do before I die" I'm always surprised that "call 9-1-1" is never number one.

 

Translations of men’s responses

"IT'S A GUY THING"

Translated: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

 

"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"

Translated: "Why isn't it already on the table?"

 

"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR"

Translated: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

 

"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"

Translated: "I have no idea how it works."

 

"TAKE A BREAK, HONEY. YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD."

Translated: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

 

"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."

Translated: "Are you still talking?"

 

"OH, DON'T FUSS -- I JUST CUT MYSELF. IT'S NO BIG DEAL."

Translated: "I have actually severed a limb but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."

 

"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING."

Translated: "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

 

"I CAN'T FIND IT."

Translated: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

 

"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"

Translated: "What did you catch me at?"

 

"I HEARD YOU."

Translated: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next three days yelling at me."

 

"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE."

Translated: "I am used to the way you yell at me and realize it could be worse."

 

"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC."

Translated: "Oh, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."

 

"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."

Translated: "No one will ever see us alive again."

 

"WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK."

Translated: "I make the messes; she cleans them up."

 

What I Want To Be When I Grow Up

A mother's four-year-old daughter was attending her first performance of the Ice Capades. She was so mesmerized that she wouldn't budge from her seat even during intermission, watching the activity while the ice was cleaned. At the end of the show, she exclaimed, "I know what I want to be when I grow up!" The mother envisioned her on the ice in another 15 years, starring in the Ice Capades. She was brought back to earth when the daughter continued, "I want to be a Zamboni driver!"

 

The Bathroom

While carpenters were working outside the old house I had just bought, I busied myself with indoor cleaning. I had just finished washing the floor when one of the workmen asked to use the bathroom. With dismay I looked from his muddy boots to my newly scrubbed floors. "Just a minute," I said, thinking of a quick solution. "I'll put down newspapers." "That's all right, lady," he responded. "I'm already trained."

 

Dad Joke

So I was in a shoe shop this morning trying on a shoe, I said to the assistant "It's too tight".

She said, "Try it with the tongue out". I said, "It'th nho ghood, it'th thtill thoo thight".

 

Today’s Thought

Why did the football coach shake the vending machine? Because he needed a quarterback.

 Sorry, forgot to post on Friday.

Friday's Funnies Worried   Lenora, 95 years old and in excellent health, confided that she was terribly worried: "Every one of my friends has already died and gone on to heaven. I'm afraid they're all wondering where I went!"   How’s Your Job At…   Q. How's your job at the clock factory? A. Only time will tell. Q. How's your job at the banana company? A. I keep slipping up. Q. How's your job at the travel agency? A. I'm going nowhere. Q. How's your job at the pie company? A. It didn't pan out. Q. How's your job at the balloon factory? A. We can't keep up with inflation. Q. How's your job at the crystal ball manufacturer? A. I'm making a fortune. Q. How's your job at the history book publisher? A. There's no future in it. Q. How's your job on the farm? A. Things keep cropping up. Q. How's your job at the sewing shop? A. Hanging on by a thread.   Save Me A Seat   A friend of mine, and her husband, were on vacation. They visited a church on Sunday. My friend likes to sit close to the front. So, they entered a pew in the second row. Shortly after settling into the pew, an usher came up to them, tapped lightly on the bench, and said, "This pew is saved." Her husband replied, "So are WE!" Away From Desk   A chap who frequently left the office to play golf instructed his secretary to tell all callers that he was away from his desk. After he left the office, a member of his foursome forgot which course they were playing that day and called for information. The loyal girl would only reply that her boss was away from his desk. "Just tell me," the golfer persisted, "is he twenty miles away from his desk, or thirty miles?" About Food   I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end, and I think, "Well, that's not going to happen." - Anonymous The trouble with eating Italian food is that five or six days later, you're hungry again. - George Miller Inside me, there's a thin person struggling to get out, but I can usually sedate him with four or five cupcakes. - Bob Thaves In Mexico, we have a word for sushi: bait. - Jose Simmons When the waitress asked if I wanted my pizza cut into four or eight slices, I said, 'Four. I don't think I can eat eight.' - Yogi Berra The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for 30 years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found. - Calvin Trillin   Three Wishes   This guy was walking along the beach when he came across this salt-encrusted piece of metal. He worked for an hour or so to remove the salt. Lo and behold it was a very old oil lamp. The guy started to buff it to remove the verdigris when "poof" a genie appeared. This genie, like all genies, was so happy to be freed of the lamp that he granted the guy three wishes. "I wish to be a dollar richer than Bill Gates, " says the guy. "Guy," the genie said, "You will forever be a dollar richer than Bill Gates. What's your second wish." "Genie, I want the most expensive Porsche made: Fire engine red, onboard GPS and the finest audio system ever installed in an automobile." "That's easy, Guy," says the genie. He waves his hand and the best car anybody has ever seen pops out of the lamp. The genie then asks the guy for his third wish. The guy mulls the problem over and over. A girl... Nah. With billions and billions of dollars, he certainly had become a chick magnet. World peace? Only wackos want that. The guy found a reason not to wish for anything that came to his mind. "Genie," the guy said, "I can't think of anything now. May I save the third wish for later." "Gee, this is most unusual. But you hold the hammer, I can't escape from this lamp until you make a third wish. Call me when you're ready," and whoosh the genie disappears into the lamp. The guy carefully picks up the now-ever-so-valuable lamp and places it in the trunk of the fire engine red Porsche. He turns the radio on to balance the sounds and makes all the other adjustments needed to get his great audio system customized to his ears. After that, he pulled off the beach and headed south along the Pacific Coast Highway. Soon he was up to 60, then 70, then 80. The Porsche handled perfectly. The guy was so happy that he began to sing along with the familiar commercial on the radio. "Oh, I wish I was an Oscar-Mayer Wiener..." Dad Joke   I tried to sue the airline for misplacing my luggage... lost my case. Today’s Thought When something is "new and improved," which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.