Friday's Funnies

Post-Thanksgiving

Did you hear the one about the man who ate so much over the holidays that he decided to quit cold turkey?

Sweet

A little boy asked his dad for a dollar to give to a little old lady in the park. His father, impressed by his son's kindness, gave him the dollar. "There you are my son," said the father. "But, tell me, isn't the little lady able to work any more?” The boy replied, "She sells candy."

Great Truths that Adults Have Learned

• Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
• Wrinkles don't hurt.
• Families are like fudge -- mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
• Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
• Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
• Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
• Medical Intervention
• "Doctor, you've got to help me - I just can't stop my hands from shaking!" "Do you drink a lot of coffee?" "Not really - I spill most of it!"

Here's His Chance

A retired pastor and his wife were having a dinner party to which they invited many people they had known over the years. His wife said, "Why don't you stand at the door and call the guests' names as they arrive?" "Great idea," said the retiree. "I've been wanting to do that for years."

Gallagher's Obituary

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend Finney. "Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!" "Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are you callin' from?"

The College Exam

The professor of a graduate-school class included a huge amount of material on the midterm exam. As tension in the room built, people were sighing and gasping aloud. The following week the professor tossed the graded papers on her desk and announced, "Class, after I left here last week, the Lord spoke to me. He said, 'Thanks, professor. I haven't heard from some of those people in years!'"

The Eye Exam

I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. "Now your left." Again, a flawless read. "Now both," I requested. There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.

Computer Gender

A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'
'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'

A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2 The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because:

1. They'll do whatever you say, if you push the right buttons;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.

On Retirement Time

Retirement is the best thing that has happened to my brother-in-law. "I never know what day of the week it is," he gloated. "All I know is, the day the big paper comes, I have to dress up and go to church."

One Liners

- I can’t cook. I use a smoke alarm as a timer.

- My friend is a procrastinator. He’s afraid of Saturday the 14th.