Friday's Funnies

 The Winner

The winner has been named in the worldwide search for the perfect man. After careful consideration and endless debate, the Perfect Man has been named.

Mr. Potato Head

He's tan.
He's cute.
He knows the importance of accessorizing.
And if he looks at another girl, you can rearrange his face.

 

Overdramatic

My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password. We'll see who's overdramatic in about 5 minutes.

 

Stuntmen

A van carrying a dozen movie stuntmen on the way to a film location in the mountains spun out of control on the icy road, crashed through a guard-rail, rolled down a 90-foot embankment, turned over, and burst into flames. There were no injuries.

 

The Top Ten Ways The Bible Would Have Been Different If It Had Been Written By College Students

10. The Last Supper would have been eaten the next morning...cold.

9 The Ten Commandments would be only five, double-spaced and written in a large font.

8. A new edition would be written every two years to limit reselling.

7. Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn't cafeteria food.

6. Paul's letter to the Romans becomes Paul's email to abuse@romans.gov

5. Reason Cain killed Abel: They were roommates.

4. The place where the end of the world occurs: Finals, not Armageddon.

3. Out go the mules, in comes the mountain bikes.

2. Reason why Moses and followers walked in the desert for 40 years: They didn't want to ask directions and look like freshmen.

1. Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh, He would have put it off until the night before it was due and then pulled an all-nighter.

 

Task Force Authority

Two police officers, who are part of a task force, arrive at a cattle ranch. The officers tell the rancher, "We need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The old rancher says, "Okay, but don't go in that field over there." One of the officers verbally explodes saying, "Mister, we have the authority of the state government with us."  Reaching into his rear pocket and removing his badge, the agent proudly displays it to the farmer, "See this badge? This badge means we are allowed to go wherever we wish on any land. No questions asked nor answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?" The old rancher nods politely and goes about his chores. Later, the old rancher hears loud screams and spies the two officers running for their lives and close behind is the rancher's bull. With every step the bull is gaining ground on the agents. They are clearly terrified. The old rancher immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence, and yells at the top of his lungs: "Your badges! Show him your badges!"

 

More Church Bulletin Bloopers

~ Please welcome Pastor Don, a caring individual who loves hurting people.

~ Come out this evening for a time of prayer and sinning.

~ Overeaters Anonymous meeting will be held at 8 pm in the large room.

~ Next Friday we will be serving hot gods for lunch.

~ Women's Luncheon: Each member bring a sandwich. Polly Phillips will give the medication.

~ Karen's beautiful solo: "It is Well with my Solo"

~ Congratulations to Tim and Rhonda on the birth of their daughter October 12 thru 17.

~ If you choose to heave during the Postlude, please do so quietly.

~ Hymn: "I Love Thee My Ford"

~ Newsletters are not being sent to absentees because of their weight.

~ Helpers are needed! Please sign up on the information sheep.

Lost Luggage

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So, I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry as they were trained professionals and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"

 

Laryngitis

A woman had an attack of laryngitis and lost her voice completely for two days. To help her communicate, her husband devised a system of taps. One tap meant "Give me a kiss," two taps meant "Yes," seven taps meant "No," and 95 taps meant "Take out the garbage."

 

Dad Joke

Did you hear about the actor who fell through the floor? It was just a stage he was going through.

Today’s Thought

So, you drive across town to a gym to walk on a treadmill?

Friday's Funnies

 Best Thing Learned

I've had a lot of education, but the one thing that has been the most consistently useful in my life is "righty tighty, lefty loosey."

 

Card Reader

 "Can people predict the future with cards?" Jessica asked Danny. "My mother can," Danny replied.

"Really?" "Yes," Danny told her, "she takes one look at my report card and can tell me exactly what will happen when my Daddy gets home."

 

English Language 

-          The fact that Kansas and Arkansas are pronounced differently bothers me way more than it should.

-          Pronouncing words that end in 'ough'. Cough, bough, rough, dough, through, though....

-          Is the "S" or "C" in scent silent?

-          Why does fridge have a "D" in it, but refrigerator doesn't?

-          Why are Zoey and Zoe pronounced the same but Joey and Joe aren't?

-          You can drink a drink but you can't food a food.

-          The word "queue" is just a Q followed by four silent letters

-          Why is a "w" called a "Double-U* when it is clearly a "Double-V"?

 

Best Present Ever

Nephew: "Thanks for that harmonica you gave me -- it's the best birthday present ever!"
Uncle: "Well, that's great! What songs can you play?"
Nephew: "Oh, I don't play it. Mom gives me a dollar a day not to play it during the day and Dad gives me five dollars a week not to play it at night."

 

Kids Are Hilarious 

-          I lead the after-school drama club at my kid's school. A first-grader asked, "Can you teach me how to act like I'm listening when my dad talks?"

 

-          My five-year-old was in bed for a while, then yelled, "Mommy, come here!" I yelled back, "Why?" Then she yelled, "I haven't thought of a reason yet."

 

-          7yo: "Mom, how many more kids can you have? I need at least two more for my dance team."

 

-          My six-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me and said, "I'm not going all the way to the ocean right now."

 

Getting Old

I've sure gotten old. I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, and new knees. Fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, and take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But thankfully, I still have my driver's license.

 

Elderly Wisdom

An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. "Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?"  "Then I'll be sure my daughters will visit me twice a week."

 

Punny 

-          What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing, it just waved.

-          I’m worried about the calendar. Its days are numbered.

-          What time did the person go to the dentist? Tooth hurty.

-          I thought the dryer was shrinking my clothes, but it turns out it was the refrigerator all along.

-          What do you call a factory that makes OK products? A satisfactory.

-          I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know y.

-          What do you call cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho cheese.

-          I don’t know what the best thing about Switzerland is, but the flag is a big plus.

-          Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? They just wanted a bit more space.

-          I don’t trust stairs — they’re always up to something.

-          What’s Forrest Gump’s computer password? 1forrest1.

-          I’m on a seafood diet. I see food, I eat it.

-          Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe.

-          Ghosts are bad liars because you can see right through them.

-          I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.

-          Sundays are always a little sad, but the day before is a sadder day.

-          I tell dad jokes, but I don’t have any kids. I’m a faux pa.

-          Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired.

-          I’m so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed.

-          Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.

Too Much Pizza

Clerk: "Should I have your pizza cut into six slices or twelve?"
Customer: "Six, please. I could never eat twelve slices."

Acronym

So, is macaroni and cheese “mac” because it’s short for macaroni…or is it because “mac” is an acronym for macaroni and cheese?

Dad Joke

Why do bees stay in their hives during winter?  Swarm

Today’s Thought

Ever notice that when you pull in front of someone it's "merging," but when someone else does it it's called "cutting off"?

Friday's Funnies

 Taxes

A couple of weeks after hearing a sermon on Psalms 51:2-4 (knowing my own hidden secrets) and Psalm 52:3-4 (lies and deceit), a man who had recently become a Christian wrote the following letter to the IRS:

"I have been unable to sleep, knowing that I have cheated on my income tax. I understated my taxable income last year and have enclosed a check for $1,150. If I still can't sleep, I will send the rest."

Tax Thought

For every tax problem there is a solution which is straightforward, uncomplicated and wrong.

New Teller

First man: I hear the First National Bank is looking for a new teller.

Second man: I thought they just hired a new teller last week.
First man: Right. That's the one they're looking for.

Financial Difficulties

-          “The credit crunch has helped me get back on my feet. The car’s been repossessed… ”

-          “The bank returned a check to me stamped, “insufficient funds”. But is it them or me? “

-          “A man went to his bank manager and said, “I’d like to start a small business. How do I go about it?” “Simple, said the bank manager: Buy a big one and wait. “

-          “What’s the difference between an investment banker and a pigeon? The pigeon is still capable of leaving a deposit on a Ferrari. “

-          “How do you define optimism? A banker who irons 5 shirts on a Sunday “

 Changing Times

We had made some changes in our lives. My husband had lost 50 pounds, and after eight years of being a housewife, I had taken a job in a restaurant. When I returned home after my first day at work, I gave my husband a big hug. He seemed to cling to me longer than usual. "Did you really miss me that much today, dear?" I asked. "No," came the reply. "But you smell so much like pancakes that I hate to let you go."

New Chicken Farmer

A life-long city man, tired of the rat race, decided he was going to give up the city life, move to the country, and become a chicken farmer. He found a nice, used chicken farm, which he bought. Turns out that his next door neighbor was also a chicken farmer. The neighbor came for a visit one day and said, "Chicken farming isn't easy. Tell you what. To help you get started, I'll give you 100 chickens." The new chicken farmer was thrilled. Two weeks later the new neighbor stopped by to see how things were going. The new farmer said, "Not too good. All 100 chickens died." The neighbor said, "Oh, I can't believe that. I've never had any trouble with my chickens. I'll give you 100 more." Another two weeks went by, and the neighbor stops in again. The new farmer says, "You're not going to believe this, but the second 100 chickens died too." Astounded, the neighbor asked, "What went wrong? What did you do to them?" "Well," says the new farmer, "I'm not sure whether I'm planting them too deep or not far apart enough."

Baby

A small boy badly wanted a baby brother, so his dad suggested he pray every night for one. The boy prayed earnestly, night after night, but his prayers seemingly weren't answered. After a few weeks, he didn't bother to ask anymore. Some months later, his dad said they were going to see Mom in the hospital and he was going to get a big surprise. When they got to the room, the little boy saw his mother holding two babies. "Well, what do you think about having twin brothers?" his dad asked. The little boy thought for a moment and replied, "It's a good thing I stopped praying when I did."

Church Bulletin Bloopers

~ The Rev. Adams spoke briefly, much to the delight of his audience.

~ The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's "Hamlet" in the church basement on Friday at 7 pm. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

~ A new loudspeaker system has been installed in the church. It was given by one of our members in honor of his wife.

~ The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.

~ The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.

~ The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.

~ Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 pm. Please use the back door.

~ The third verse of "Blessed Assurance" will be sung without musical accomplishment.

~ The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.

~ Don't miss this Saturday's exhibit by Christian Martian Arts...

~ The agenda was adopted...the minutes were approved...the final secretary gave a grief report.

Dad Joke

I wanted to buy a half a rabbit, but the butcher didn't want to split hares. 

Today's Thought

Sometimes I feel as lonely as the 3rd verse of a Baptist Hymnal.

Friday's Funnies

 Easter Deep Thoughts

~ When I was a kid, I really hated wearing a suit on Easter Sunday. I always thought it was hard to praise the Lord when you felt like a mannequin.

~ Have you ever wondered, since eggs become so much more appealing to kids when you color them and hide them, if that would also work for broccoli?

~ Have you ever noticed on Easter how husbands tend to hide the Cadbury Creme Eggs where only they can find them?

~ Our son is hard to please. He likes those candy Easter eggs, but he wants them scrambled.

~ Today's money-saving Easter tip: Make the kid's plastic Easter basket grass yourself - just run a trash bag through the pasta maker.

~ The Easter Bunny must be a kid. Who else would think it's cool to leave eggs in shoes?

~ Did you ever wonder why we always leave cookies and milk out for Santa Claus, but we never leave a salad out for the Easter Bunny?

~ Sunday is Easter, a time to celebrate new life with maybe a new outfit, an Easter egg hunt, or just a prayer of thanksgiving and a warm feeling. And I know somehow, somewhere, before the day is over, I'm going to consume an entire chocolate bunny.

Boiling Eggs

One year, my six-year-old son and twelve year old daughter were in the kitchen helping me boil eggs to color for Easter. The pot of eggs had started to boil and they were making the strange noises that they sometimes do.  My son heard the noise and was walking around the kitchen with his head cocked to one side listening, trying to figure out where the noise was coming from. As he got near the stove and noticed it was coming from the pot of eggs, he asked what was making that sound.  Without missing a beat, his older sister immediately answered.... "It's the baby chicks screaming!" His eyes nearly popped out of his head!

Counseling

A husband and wife go to a counselor after 15 years of marriage. The counselor asks them what the problem is. The wife goes into a tirade, listing every problem they have ever had in the 15 years they've been married. She goes on and on and on. Finally, the counselor gets up, goes around the desk, embraces the woman, and kisses her passionately. The woman shuts up and sits quietly in a daze. The counselor turns to the husband and says, "That is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do that?" The husband thinks for a moment and replies, "Well, I can get her here Monday and Wednesday; but Friday, I play golf."

Funny (and real) Signs

I saw a sign in a Stavanger, Norway hairdresser: "Nice face...shame about the hair." (Paul)

Here's one from Down Under...a sign from a furniture company: "Our beds are factory trained not to climb on your children. Please show the same courtesy." (Mary)

One of the best signs I've seen was on a van in the UK belonging to a curtain and blind retailer. The message on the back of the van said, "This van is being driven by a blind man!" (Kev)

While traveling on Interstate 40 through eastern New Mexico, we stopped at a rest area to use the bathroom. There was construction going on and a sign actually said, "Please use sidewalk." (Larry)

Just a few years back, one of our utility companies bore the unfortunate name, "People's Natural Gas."  No comment. (Daren)

Extremely Organized

My first stop on my vacation was my sister's house in Montana. She's extremely organized. Before she leaves on a trip, she always types up address labels for her postcards. This time, I figured I'd done her one better. I boasted, "You'll be impressed. I've already written thank-you notes to everyone with whom I'll be staying. They're all stamped and ready to go." My sister was silent for a moment, and then she said, "You mean those little envelopes I saw in your room and mailed this morning?"

The Deep South

Back in Kentucky, you didn't see too many people hang-gliding. Bubba decided to save up and get a hang-glider. He takes it to the highest mountain, and after struggling to the top, he gets ready to take flight. He takes off running and reaches the edge--and into the wind he goes! Meanwhile, Maw and Paw Hicks were sittin' on the porch swing talkin' about the good ol' days when Maw spots the biggest bird she had ever seen! "Look at the size of that bird, Paw!" she exclaims. Paw straightens up and says, "Git my gun, Maw." She runs into the house and brings out his pump shotgun. He takes careful aim. BANG...BANG.....BANG.....BANG! The monster-size bird continues to sail silently over the treetops. "I think ya missed him, Paw," she says. "Yeah," he replies, "but at least he let go of Bubba!"

Positive Thinking

A reporter interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure."

Good Point

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "Ninety-eight," she replied. "Two years older than I am." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home, isn't it?"

Dad Joke

Is disinformation as good as datinformation.

Today’s Thought

The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.