Medical Exam
Elmer says, "First, I got tonsillitis, followed by appendicitis and pneumonia. After that I got erysipelas with hemachromatosis. Following that I got poliomyelitis and finally ended up with neuritis. Then they gave me hypodermics and inoculations." Calvin says, "Boy, you had quite a time!" Elmer replies, "I'll say! I thought I'd never pull trough that spelling test."
Fitness Class
Concerned about fitness in my middle 40s, I enrolled in an aerobics class. To my dismay I walked into a room filled with much younger women and decided to combat my nervousness with humor. "I'm here to do my postnatal exercises." The instructor gave me an appraising look. "How old is your baby?" "Twenty-six," I replied.
Hearing Aid
Wally goes to the tent revival and listens to the preacher. After a while, the preacher asks anyone with needs to come forward and be prayed over. Wally slowly rises from his chair and gets in line. When it's his turn the preacher says, "Wally, what you want me to pray about?" Wally says, "Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing." So the preacher puts his right finger in Wally's right ear and his left hand on top of his head and prays a while. Then the preacher puts his left finger in Wally's left ear and his right hand on top of his head and prays some more. After a few minutes, the preacher removes his hands and says, "Wally, how's your hearing now?" Wally says, "I don't know preacher, it's not until next Wednesday."
+++++
A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on the phone line, covered their pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. They phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi.
The taxi arrived and the couple opened the front door to leave their house. The cat they had put out into the yard scoots back into the house. They don't want the cat shut in the house because "she" always tries to eat the bird. The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, the man in hot pursuit.
The wife doesn't want the driver to know the house will be empty. She explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."
A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab.. "Sorry I took so long," he says, as they drive away. "She was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her downstairs and threw her out into the backyard!"
The cab driver hit a parked car...
+++++
A blonde and her husband have been in bed listening to their next door neighbor's dog. The dog has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours.
Finally, the blonde jumps up out of bed and says, "I've had enough of this." She goes downstairs.
The blonde finally comes back up to bed and her husband says, "The dog is still barking, what have you been doing?"
The blonde says,"I put the dog in our backyard. Now let's see how THEY like it."
+++++
A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.
Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day
he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a
divorce for him.
The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and
asked him the following questions:
Have you any grounds? - Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.
No, I mean what is the foundation of this case? - It made of concrete.
I don't think you understand. Do either of you have a real grudge? - No, we have
carport, and not need one.
I mean, what are your relations like? - All my relations still in Poland.
Is there any infidelity in your marriage? - We have hi-fidelity stereo and
good DVD player.
Does your wife beat you up? - No, I always up before her.
Why do you want this divorce? - She going to kill me.
What makes you think that? - I got proof.
What kind of proof? - She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore
and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say: "Polish Remover"
Friday, February 29, 2008
Friday, February 22, 2008
Friday's Funnies
"Error messages"
Microsoft announced that it is selling advertising space in the error messages that appear in Windows. Acknowledging for the first time that the average user of their operating system encounters error messages at least several times a day, Microsoft is trying to take financial advantage of the unavoidable opportunity to make an ad impression.
"We estimate that throughout the world at any given moment several million people are getting a "general protection fault" or "illegal operation" warning. We will be able to generate significant revenue by including a short advertising message along with it," said Microsoft marketing director Nathan Mirror.
The Justice Department immediately indicated that they intend to investigate whether Microsoft is gaining an unfair advantage in reaching the public with this advertising by virtue of its semi-monopolistic control over error messages.
+++++
You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...The finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.People ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.When the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering," five guys and two women stand up.Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of." (Love it!)The choir is known as the "OK Chorale."In a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.People think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy.The baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized "Wheeling" washtub.The choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy Bob's Barbecue.The collection plates are really hubcaps from a '56 Chevy.Instead of a bell, you are called to service by a duck call.The minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks.The communion wine is Boone's Farm "Tickled Pink.""Thou shall not covet" applies to huntin' dogs, too.The final words of the benediction are, "Y'all come back now, Ya hear."
+++++
"Garden of Eden"
Adam was walking outside of the Garden of Eden with Cane and Abel when the boys were young. Cane and Abel looked into the garden and viewed waterfalls, lovely birds, lush forests and fruit trees bending over because of the large amounts of fruit on them.
Then they took a long look at where they lived at. It was dry, dusty with weeds and sickly-looking trees.
"Daddy? Why don't we live in there instead of out here?" they asked innocently.
Adam said, "Well sons. Eve and I use to live in there at one time. But your mother ate us out of house and home."
+++++
"Flattered"
A pastor was leaving his area and was saying farewell to his congregation at the Church doors for the last time. He shook the hand of an elderly lady as she walked out. She said "Your successor won't be as good as you." "Nonsense", said the pastor, in a flattered tone. "No, really", said the old lady, "I've been here under five different ministers, and each new one has been worse than the last."
+++++
"Perfect Golf Shot "
Bob stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity. He waggled, looked up, looked down, waggled again, but didn't start his backswing.
Finally his exasperated partner asked, "what in the world is taking so long?"
"My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse," Bob explained. "I want to make a perfect shot."
"Goodness!" his companion exclaimed. "You don't have a chance in the world of hitting her from here."
Microsoft announced that it is selling advertising space in the error messages that appear in Windows. Acknowledging for the first time that the average user of their operating system encounters error messages at least several times a day, Microsoft is trying to take financial advantage of the unavoidable opportunity to make an ad impression.
"We estimate that throughout the world at any given moment several million people are getting a "general protection fault" or "illegal operation" warning. We will be able to generate significant revenue by including a short advertising message along with it," said Microsoft marketing director Nathan Mirror.
The Justice Department immediately indicated that they intend to investigate whether Microsoft is gaining an unfair advantage in reaching the public with this advertising by virtue of its semi-monopolistic control over error messages.
+++++
You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...The finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.People ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.When the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering," five guys and two women stand up.Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of." (Love it!)The choir is known as the "OK Chorale."In a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.People think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy.The baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized "Wheeling" washtub.The choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy Bob's Barbecue.The collection plates are really hubcaps from a '56 Chevy.Instead of a bell, you are called to service by a duck call.The minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks.The communion wine is Boone's Farm "Tickled Pink.""Thou shall not covet" applies to huntin' dogs, too.The final words of the benediction are, "Y'all come back now, Ya hear."
+++++
"Garden of Eden"
Adam was walking outside of the Garden of Eden with Cane and Abel when the boys were young. Cane and Abel looked into the garden and viewed waterfalls, lovely birds, lush forests and fruit trees bending over because of the large amounts of fruit on them.
Then they took a long look at where they lived at. It was dry, dusty with weeds and sickly-looking trees.
"Daddy? Why don't we live in there instead of out here?" they asked innocently.
Adam said, "Well sons. Eve and I use to live in there at one time. But your mother ate us out of house and home."
+++++
"Flattered"
A pastor was leaving his area and was saying farewell to his congregation at the Church doors for the last time. He shook the hand of an elderly lady as she walked out. She said "Your successor won't be as good as you." "Nonsense", said the pastor, in a flattered tone. "No, really", said the old lady, "I've been here under five different ministers, and each new one has been worse than the last."
+++++
"Perfect Golf Shot "
Bob stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity. He waggled, looked up, looked down, waggled again, but didn't start his backswing.
Finally his exasperated partner asked, "what in the world is taking so long?"
"My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse," Bob explained. "I want to make a perfect shot."
"Goodness!" his companion exclaimed. "You don't have a chance in the world of hitting her from here."
Funnies for February 15, 2008
The Valentine Sprit
"Do you love me with all your heart and soul?" asked Becky on Valentines Day.
"Mmm hmm." replied Dave.
"Do you think I'm the most beautiful girl in the world?"
"Mmm hmm."
"Do you think my lips are like rose petals?"
"Mmm hmm."
"Oh Dave," gushed Becky, "you say the most beautiful things!"
In Her Dreams
A young woman was taking an afternoon nap. After she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamt that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's Day. What do you think it means?" "You shall know tonight," he said. That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it and found a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams."
What NOT to give her for Valentines Day:
- A box of chocolates, clumsily rearranged in an attempt to hide the fact you ate all the caramel ones.
- Any clothing item with the words "push-up" or "slim-down" on the label.
- Any food item with the words "diet," "light," or "high fiber" on the label.
- Any video starring Sylvester Stallone, Jim Carrey or Angelina Jolie.
- Flowers from a hospital's gift shop -- or worse, a mortuary's.
- Poetry, no matter how heartfelt, that starts out, "There was once a girl from Nantucket..."
- Anything you ever gave another woman, including your mother.
- Any household appliance, power tool or other item from the harder side of Sears.
- A gift certificate or cash.
- Anything you could have bought at the gas station mini-mart on the way over, even if you didn't.
- An apologetic look and the words, "That was today?"
The Whistle
During the minister's prayer, one Sunday, there was a loud whistle from one of the back pews. Gary's mother was horrified. She pinched him into silence and, after church, asked, "Gary, whatever made you do such a thing?" Gary answered, soberly, "I asked God to teach me to whistle, and He just then did!"
The New Greeter
Charley, a new retiree greeter at Wal-Mart, just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day he was 5, 10, sometimes 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean shaven, sharp minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their "Older Person Friendly" policies. One day the boss was in a real quandary about how to deal with it. Finally, he called him into the office for a talk. "Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang on job, but your being late so often is quite bothersome." "Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it." "Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear. It's odd though, your coming in late. I know you're retired from the Armed Forces. What did they say if you came in late there?" "They said, 'Good morning, General. Tea or coffee this morning, sir?'"
Arrival Confirmation
When the graveside service had no more than terminated, there was a tremendous burst of thunder accompanied by a distant lightning bolt and more rumbling thunder. The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, "Well, she's there now."
Visiting Grandpa
A six-year-old goes to the hospital with his grandma to visit his grandpa. When they get to the hospital, he runs ahead of his grandma and bursts into his grandpa's room. "Grandpa, Grandpa!" he says excitedly, "As soon as Grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!" "What?" said his grandpa. "Make a noise like a frog because Grandma said that as soon as you croak, we're going to Disneyland!!!"
A Matter Of Timing
It was very crowded at the supermarket, and the customer in front of me had a large order. As the harried looking clerk lifted the final bag for her, its bottom gave way, sending the contents crashing to the floor. "They just don't make these bags like they used to," the clerk blurted to the customer. "That was supposed to happen in your driveway!"
Playing Hookie
My four year old niece (which is also my goddaughter) told me that she and her little friend at school were going to play hookie from school the next day. I asked her if she knew what playing hookie meant. She said, "That is where you put a hook on a fishing pole and go fishing."
Mom's Present
A mother and a daughter are shopping in the mall, when the mother eyes an expensive fur coat. "This year," she says, "I think that I will buy my present instead of making you and Dad shop for me." The daughter nods in agreement. "And I think this fur coat would be perfect too." The daughter protests, "But Mom, some helpless, poor creature has to suffer so that you can have this." "Don't worry, honey," says the mother. "It'll be a couple of weeks before your father gets the bill."
Confused
An elderly lady kept coming out of her house and walking to the mail box. She would look in it and the slam it shut and storm back into the house. A neighbor man who was working in his yard watched her. Finally after she had done this for a third time, he asked, "Is something wrong?" She answered disgustedly, "Yes, my computer keeps saying, 'You've got Mail''! but when I look there is nothing there!
"Do you love me with all your heart and soul?" asked Becky on Valentines Day.
"Mmm hmm." replied Dave.
"Do you think I'm the most beautiful girl in the world?"
"Mmm hmm."
"Do you think my lips are like rose petals?"
"Mmm hmm."
"Oh Dave," gushed Becky, "you say the most beautiful things!"
In Her Dreams
A young woman was taking an afternoon nap. After she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamt that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's Day. What do you think it means?" "You shall know tonight," he said. That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it and found a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams."
What NOT to give her for Valentines Day:
- A box of chocolates, clumsily rearranged in an attempt to hide the fact you ate all the caramel ones.
- Any clothing item with the words "push-up" or "slim-down" on the label.
- Any food item with the words "diet," "light," or "high fiber" on the label.
- Any video starring Sylvester Stallone, Jim Carrey or Angelina Jolie.
- Flowers from a hospital's gift shop -- or worse, a mortuary's.
- Poetry, no matter how heartfelt, that starts out, "There was once a girl from Nantucket..."
- Anything you ever gave another woman, including your mother.
- Any household appliance, power tool or other item from the harder side of Sears.
- A gift certificate or cash.
- Anything you could have bought at the gas station mini-mart on the way over, even if you didn't.
- An apologetic look and the words, "That was today?"
The Whistle
During the minister's prayer, one Sunday, there was a loud whistle from one of the back pews. Gary's mother was horrified. She pinched him into silence and, after church, asked, "Gary, whatever made you do such a thing?" Gary answered, soberly, "I asked God to teach me to whistle, and He just then did!"
The New Greeter
Charley, a new retiree greeter at Wal-Mart, just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day he was 5, 10, sometimes 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean shaven, sharp minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their "Older Person Friendly" policies. One day the boss was in a real quandary about how to deal with it. Finally, he called him into the office for a talk. "Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang on job, but your being late so often is quite bothersome." "Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it." "Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear. It's odd though, your coming in late. I know you're retired from the Armed Forces. What did they say if you came in late there?" "They said, 'Good morning, General. Tea or coffee this morning, sir?'"
Arrival Confirmation
When the graveside service had no more than terminated, there was a tremendous burst of thunder accompanied by a distant lightning bolt and more rumbling thunder. The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, "Well, she's there now."
Visiting Grandpa
A six-year-old goes to the hospital with his grandma to visit his grandpa. When they get to the hospital, he runs ahead of his grandma and bursts into his grandpa's room. "Grandpa, Grandpa!" he says excitedly, "As soon as Grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!" "What?" said his grandpa. "Make a noise like a frog because Grandma said that as soon as you croak, we're going to Disneyland!!!"
A Matter Of Timing
It was very crowded at the supermarket, and the customer in front of me had a large order. As the harried looking clerk lifted the final bag for her, its bottom gave way, sending the contents crashing to the floor. "They just don't make these bags like they used to," the clerk blurted to the customer. "That was supposed to happen in your driveway!"
Playing Hookie
My four year old niece (which is also my goddaughter) told me that she and her little friend at school were going to play hookie from school the next day. I asked her if she knew what playing hookie meant. She said, "That is where you put a hook on a fishing pole and go fishing."
Mom's Present
A mother and a daughter are shopping in the mall, when the mother eyes an expensive fur coat. "This year," she says, "I think that I will buy my present instead of making you and Dad shop for me." The daughter nods in agreement. "And I think this fur coat would be perfect too." The daughter protests, "But Mom, some helpless, poor creature has to suffer so that you can have this." "Don't worry, honey," says the mother. "It'll be a couple of weeks before your father gets the bill."
Confused
An elderly lady kept coming out of her house and walking to the mail box. She would look in it and the slam it shut and storm back into the house. A neighbor man who was working in his yard watched her. Finally after she had done this for a third time, he asked, "Is something wrong?" She answered disgustedly, "Yes, my computer keeps saying, 'You've got Mail''! but when I look there is nothing there!
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