Friday's Funnies

Shy

When it comes to telling her age, she's shy...about 10 years shy.

Exercise Plan For Over-50s

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks. Then try 50-lb potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each sack.

Steady As She Goes

Helen and I were walking to our car holding hands a week ago and in the car parked next to ours was a couple observing us. As I went to get into our car the gentleman said he and his wife were just talking about how sweet we were at our age, still holding hands! I replied, we're trying to keep one another from falling!

Simple Solution

Someone asked an old man, "Even after 70 years, you still call your wife 'darling, honey, love.' What's the secret?" He replied, "I forgot her name and I'm scared to ask her."

Food Fight

After eating out at a local restaurant, the waitress clearing our tables noticed the left-overs and said, "You wanna box for that?" I said, "No, but we could arm wrestle for it."

Sound Sleeper

My sister had been ill, so I called to see how she was doing. My ten-year-old niece answered the phone. "Hello," she whispered. "Hi, Honey. How's your mother doing?" I asked. "She's sleeping," she answered, again in a whisper. "Did she go to the doctor?" I asked. "Yes. She got some medicine," my niece said softly. "Well, don't wake her. Just tell her I called. What are you doing, by the way?" Again in a very soft whisper, she answered, "Practicing my trumpet."

Marriage Funnies

A bookseller conducting a market survey asked a woman: "Which book has helped you most in your life?"  The woman replied, "My husband's check book!!"

A prospective husband in a book store: "Do you have a book called 'Husband: the Master of the House?'"  Sales girl: "Sir, fiction and comics are on the 1st floor!"

Pharmacist to customer: "Sir, please understand, to buy an anti-depression pill you need a proper prescription ... Simply showing marriage certificate and wife's picture is not enough!"

There are 3 kinds of men in this world. Some remain single and make wonders happen. Some have girlfriends and see wonders happen. The rest get married and wonder what happened!

Wives are magicians. They can change anything into an argument.

When a married man says, "I will think about it," what he really means is that he doesn't know his wife's opinion yet.

A lady says to her doctor: "My husband has a habit of talking in his sleep! What should I give him to cure it?"  The doctor replies: "Give him an opportunity to speak when he's awake."

Simple Operation

A man was seen fleeing down the hall of the hospital just before his operation.  "What's the matter?" he was asked.  He said, "I heard the nurse say, 'It's a very simple operation, don't worry, I'm sure it will be all right.'"  "She was just trying to comfort you, what's so frightening about that?"  "She wasn't talking to me.  She was talking to the doctor!"

Weed Whacker Accident

A woman was working in her yard with the weed whacker, when she accidentally cut off the tail of her cat.  She ran screaming into the house, and told her husband, wondering what to do.  He replied calmly, "Get the cat, and the tail, and we'll take them to Wal-Mart."  She was incredulous. "How could that possibly help?" she asked.  "Well," he replied, "they're the world's largest retailer."

Placing Blame

At a large corporation, the CEO who was leaving presented the new CEO with three numbered envelopes.  "Open one of these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can solve," he said.  At first things went along smoothly.  Six months later, sales took a downturn and the CEO was catching a lot of heat.  Then he remembered the envelopes.  He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope.  The message was: "Blame your predecessor."  The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO.  The press and Wall Street responded positively, sales began to pick up, and the problem was soon behind him.  About a year later the company experienced another dip in sales plus some product problems.  Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope.  The message: "Reorganize."  This he did, and the company quickly rebounded.  After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times.  The CEO went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope.  The message said: "Prepare three envelopes."

Today’s Thought

TEAMWORK means never having to take all the blame yourself.

Friday's Funnies

100%

Little Johnny came running into the house after the school one day, shouting, "Daddy! Daddy! I got 100 in school today!"  "That's great, Son!" said his daddy.  "Come into the living room and tell me about it," Daddy continued.  Little Johnny said, "Well, I got 50 in spelling, 30 in math and 20 in science."

Wife For A Season Ticket

Sarah was reading a newspaper, while her husband was engrossed in a magazine. Suddenly, she burst out laughing. "Listen to this," she said. "There's a classified ad here where a guy is offering to swap his wife for a season ticket to the stadium."  "Hmmm," her husband said, not looking up from his magazine.  Teasing him, Sarah said, "Would you swap me for a season ticket?"  "Absolutely not," he said. 

"How sweet," Sarah said. "Tell me why not."  "Season's almost half over," he said.

Heard on a London Bus:

"When you exit this vehicle, please be sure to lower your head and watch your step.  If you fail to do so, please lower your voice and watch your language. Thank you."

Everything is Wonderful

My face in the mirror

  Isn't wrinkled or drawn.

My house isn't dirty,

  The cobwebs are gone.

My garden looks lovely

  And so does my lawn.

I think I might never

  Put my glasses back on.

Miniature Golf

It was at a miniature golf course on a brutally hot day when I saw a father with 3 kids.  "Who's winning?" I asked cheerfully.  "I am," said one. "No, I am," said another.  "No," the father said. "Their mother is!"

An old guy shows up at the Pearly Gates

“Man,” he says to Saint Peter, “I was so busy when I was working, and even busier after I retired. Now it’s time for some much-needed R and R.”  Saint Peter looks at him and says “Didn't you hear? You have a new agenda!”  “Agenda?” says the man as he hurriedly rustles through his welcome packet. “Where is it?!”  Saint Peter smiles and says “Oh, it’s on the cloud now!”

Best Month To Study

Teacher: "Which is the best month to study?"

Student: "Octembruary."

Teacher: "Don't be silly. There's no month like that."

Student: "Exactly...."

Blonde's Dogs

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs.  She asked, "What are their names?"  The blonde replied, "That one is Rolex, and that one is Timex."  Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"  "Helllooo?" said the blonde. "They're watch dogs..."

Thigh Problem

A man goes into the doctor.  He says, "Doc, you gotta check my leg. Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!"  The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man's thigh only to hear, "Gimme 20 bucks, I really need 20 bucks."  "I've never seen or heard anything like this before, how long has this been going on." The doctor asked.  "That's nothing Doc. put your ear to my knee."  The doctor put his ear to the man's knee and heard it say "Man, I really need 10 dollars, just lend me 10 bucks!!"  "Sir, I really don't know what to tell you. I've never seen anything like this." The doctor was dumbfounded.  "Wait Doc, that's not it. There's more, just put your ear up to my ankle," the man urged him.  The doctor did as the man said and was blown away to hear his ankle plead, "Please, I just need 5 dollars. Lend me 5 bucks please if you will."  "I have no idea what to tell you," the doctor said. "There's nothing about it in my books," he said as he frantically searched all his medical reference books. "I can make a well-educated guess though. Based on life and all my previous experience I can tell you that your leg seems to be broke in three places."

Short Takes

·         I have lots of hidden talents. The problem is, I can't find them.

·         Seeing a spider is not a problem. The problem comes when it disappears.

·         What do you call a chicken that's afraid?

·         Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid that someone will clean them?

Career Reconsideration Recommended

A high school senior, saw an inspirational advertisement on television about becoming a teacher. She called the number shown, an 800-number ending in TEACH. After a woman answered, the student babbled on about how she thought she had found her life's calling and could she send her some information. The lady who answered the phone asked the student what number she was calling. The student told her and there was a long pause. Then the woman said, "You misspelled teach."

Like A Moth...

A man goes into a dentist's office.
Man: "Excuse me, can you help me? I think I'm a moth."
Dentist: "You don't need a dentist. You need a psychiatrist."
Man: "Yes, I know."
Dentist: "So, why did you come in here?"
Man: "The light was on."

Today’s Thought

The way to achieve inner peace is to finish the things we have started. Today I finished a Krispy Kreme, 2 bags of potato chips and a chocolate cake. I feel better already...