Friday's Funnies

 Today’s Reality

 

Has COVID-19 forced you to wear glasses and a mask at the same time? You may be entitled to condensation.

 

Typical Tourist

 

A tour guide was showing a tourist around Washington, D.C. The guide pointed out the place where George Washington supposedly threw a dollar across the Potomac River. "That's impossible," said the tourist. "No one could throw a coin that far!" "You have to remember," answered the guide. "A dollar went a lot farther in those days."

 

Aging

 

-          You don't realize how old you are until you sit on the floor and then try to get back up.

-          Sleeping when you're not supposed to is a lot easier than sleeping when you are.

 

Wisdom

 

An elderly lady was stopped to pull into a parking space when a young man in his new red Mercedes went around her and parked in the space she was waiting for. The little old lady was so upset that she went up to the man and said, "I was going to park there!" The man said, "That's what you can do when you're young and quick.” This really upset the lady even more, so she got in her car and backed it up and then she stomped on the gas and plowed right into his Mercedes. The young man ran back to his car and asked, "What did you do that for?" The little old lady smiled and told him, "That's what you can do when you're old and rich!"

 

The Real Meaning of Hotel Descriptions

 

Old world charm > No bath

No extra fees > No extras

Nominal fee > Outrageous charge

Standard > Sub-standard

Deluxe > Standard

Superior > One free shower cap

Cozy > Small

All the amenities > Two free shower caps

Plush > Top and bottom sheets

 

Hiccups

 

A man came into the pharmacy and said to the technician, "Do you have anything that will stop hiccups?" The tech leaned over the counter and slapped the man's face. The man said "What did you do that for?"  The tech replied, "Well, you don't have any hiccups now, do you?" The man replied, "I never did. I came in for my wife who's out in the car."

Experience

 

My son is the manager of a glass and window company and advertised in the paper for experienced glaziers. Since a good glass man is hard to find, he was pleased when a man who called about the job said he had over 20 years of experience. "Where have you worked as a glazier?" my son asked. The man replied, "Dunkin' Donuts."

 

Briefly Considered...

 

·         Just saw a burglar kicking his own door in. I asked, "What are you doing?" He said, "Working from home."

·         If ignorance is bliss, why aren't most people in a better mood?

·         I wonder what my dog named me.

·         I put my grandma on speed dial. I called that Instagram.

·         I hate it when people act all intellectual and talk about Mozart when they haven't even seen one of his paintings.

 

She's Right!

On February 29th, the teacher was explaining to her second grade students the days of the month. She told them that we add the extra day every four years to adjust for the earth's rotation around the sun. She went on to explain that, "some months have 30 days and other months have 31 days." Then she asked "which month has 28 days?" Rachel replied, "They all do!"

Home Shopping

Real Estate Agent:  "This house has its good points and its bad points. The disadvantages are a chemical plant one block south and a slaughterhouse a block north."
Prospective Buyer:  "Yikes. What are the advantages?"
Agent:  "You can always tell which way the wind is blowing."

You Know You Live in a Small Town When...

 

·         The "road hog" in front of you on Main Street is a farmer's combine.

·         The local phone book has only one yellow page.

·         Third Street is on the edge of town.

·         You leave your jacket on the back of the chair in the café, and when you go back the next day, it's still there, on the same chair.

·         You don't signal turns because everyone knows where you're going anyway.

·         No social events can be scheduled when the school gym floor is being varnished.

·         You call a wrong number and are supplied with the correct one.

 

Dad Joke

 

There was the person who sent ten puns to friends with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

 

Today’s Thought

 

Q:  What do you get when you mix poison ivy with a four-leaf clover? A: A rash of good luck.

Friday's Funnies

 Concerned Woman

 

A woman rushes to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off, "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were blood-shot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's wrong with me, Doctor?" The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says, "Well, I can tell you one thing...there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."

 

Fund Raiser

 

If anyone wants to sponsor me, I'm doing a 0.0000000025km run to raise awareness for laziness.

 

Math Class

 

The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?" Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!"

Jury Duty

 

Mrs. Hunter was called to serve for jury duty, but asked to be excused because she didn't believe in capital punishment and didn't want her personal thoughts to prevent the trial from running its proper course. But the public defender liked her thoughtfulness and quiet calm and tried to convince her that she was appropriate to serve on the jury. "Madam," he explained, "this is not a murder trial! It's a simple civil lawsuit. A wife is bringing this case against her husband because he gambled away the $12,000 he had promised to use to remodel the kitchen for her birthday." "Well, okay," agreed Mrs. Hunter, "I'll serve. I guess I could be wrong about capital punishment after all."

The Zoo with Daddy

 

Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for days. Finally his mother talked his reluctant father into taking him.  "So how was it?" his mother asked when they returned home.  "Great!" Little Johnny replied excitedly.  "Did you and your father have a good time?" asked his mother.  "Yeah, Daddy really liked it, too," exclaimed Little Johnny, "especially when one of the animals came home at 30 to 1!" 

 

Breakfast

 

A guy comes into a coffee shop and places his order: "I want three flat tires and a pair of headlights." The waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, goes to the kitchen and asks the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires and a pair of headlights. What does he think, this is an auto parts store?!" "No," the cook says. "Three flat tires means three pancakes and a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up." "Oh," says the waitress. She thinks about this and then she spoons up a bowl of beans and gives it to the customer. The guy says, "What are the beans for?" The waitress replies, "I thought that, while you're waiting for the flat tires and headlights, you might want to gas up."

 

First Things First

A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met the woman of his dreams. Now what should he do? His mother had an idea: "Why don't you send her flowers, and on the card invite her to your apartment for a home-cooked meal?" He thought this was a great strategy, and a week later, the woman came to dinner. His mother called the next day to see how things had gone. "I was totally humiliated," he moaned. "She insisted on washing the dishes." "What's wrong with that?" asked his mother. "We hadn't started eating yet."

By The Book

An elderly woman in our church congregation had an older-model car that was in excellent condition. As she was driving to town one afternoon, her car was struck by another auto. The insurance company told her that, after considering the car's age, they would give her a settlement on the damage. When the check arrived, she was unhappy with the low amount and went to see her insurance agent. Pulling open his desk drawer, he said, "I have a little blue book in here that says that's all your car is worth." "Well," she replied, "I have a little black book at home that says, `Thou shalt not steal.'" She got a higher settlement.

Say what?

After the visiting preacher finished, a woman came up and said, "You were much better than the preacher we had last Sunday. He spoke for an hour and said nothing." "Thank you," the visiting preacher replied. "Yes," she continued. "You did it in fifteen minutes."

It's So Hot ...  

 

1.       The birds have to use potholders to pull the worms out of the ground

2.       The trees are whistling for dogs

3.       The best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance

4.       Hot water comes from both taps

5.       You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron

6.       The temperature drops below 90 degrees and you feel a little chilly

7.       You discover that in August it only takes two fingers to steer your car

8.       You actually burn your hand opening the car door

9.       You break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m.

10.   Potatoes are cooking underground, so all you have to do is pull one out and add butter

11.   Cows are giving evaporated milk

12.    Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying boiled eggs.

 

Dad Joke

 

What did the surgeon say to the patient who insisted on closing up their own incision? Suture self.

 

Today’s Thoughts

 

·         Why do we have to wait until night to call it a day?

·         So if a cow can’t produce milk, is it a milk dud or an udder failure?

·         Middle Age: When a broad mind and a narrow waist change places.

·         I am at the age where each day is a wonder.  I wonder what is going to hurt today.

Friday's Funnies

 Aging

I see people about my age mountain climbing; I feel good getting my leg through my underwear without losing my balance.

Not Appreciating

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in her paintings that were on display. "Well, I have good news and bad news," the owner responded. "The good news is that a gentleman noticed your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. I told him it would and he bought all 10 of your paintings." "That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?" "The gentleman was your doctor."

Briefs

• Did you hear about the crook who stole a calendar? He got twelve months.
• 250 pounds on Earth is 94.5 pounds on Mercury. I'm not fat, I'm just not on the right planet.
• Did you hear about the semicolon that broke the law? It was given two consecutive sentences.
• I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner as all it was doing was gathering dust.
• If I got 50 cents for every failed math exam, I'd have $6.30 now.

Quite A Salesman

I used to sell security alarms door-to-door — and I was pretty good at it! If no one was home, I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.

The New Photo

Unfortunately, getting a new passport required a new photo. As I handed my ten-year-old passport and the new picture to the clerk, I sighed. "I like the original better," I told her. "Trust me," she said. "Ten years from now you'll like this one."

To Be Precise

"I'm sorry," said the clerk in a flower shop, "but we don't have any potted geraniums. Could you use African violets instead?" Replied the customer sadly, "No, it was geraniums my wife told me to water while she was gone."

Quick Thoughts

• The number of red lights you encounter on your way to your destination will always correspond directly to how late you started out.
• Every time I think I've just said the most stupid thing ever, I open Facebook and discover that I was wrong.

Reminder-er

Because I had forgotten the dates for a number of my friends' and relatives' birthdays and anniversaries, I decided to compile a list on the computer and have the dates highlighted on screen when the machine was turned on. I went to a number of computer stores to find a software program that would do the job but had no luck at the first few. I finally found one where the clerk seemed experienced. "Can you recommend something that will remind me of birthdays and anniversaries?" I asked. “Have you tried a wife?" he replied.

Real Punishment

An irritated father complained to his golf buddy, "When I was a kid, my parents sent me to my room without supper if I misbehaved. But my son has his own color TV, telephone, computer, every computer game and CD player in his room!" "So how do you handle it?" his friend asked. "I send him to MY room!"

Oh

"Bob, why don't you play golf with John anymore?" asked a friend. "Would you play golf with a guy who moved the ball with his foot when you weren't watching?" Bob asked. "Well, no," admitted the friend. Bob said, "Neither will John."

The Next Town

A visitor to the town approached a local person and asked, "What's the quickest way to the next town?" The local, scratched his head, "Are you walking or driving?" he asked the stranger. "I'm driving," said the stranger. "Well, that's the quickest way."

The DMV

I waited for a very long time for my number to be called at the Department of Motor Vehicles to renew my driver's license. As I approached the window, the clerk asked how she could help me.  I replied, "I need to get a haircut, can you save me my spot?"  She said, "Why didn't you get a haircut before you came here?"  I replied, "I didn't need one before I got here!"

Four Children

Census Taker: "How many children do you have?"
Woman: "Four."
Census Taker: "May I have their names, please?"
Woman: "Eenee, Meenee, Minee and George."
Census Taker: "Okay, that's fine. But may I ask why you named your fourth child George?"
Woman: "Because we didn't want any Moe."

Dad Joke

I’m telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes!  It’s all about raisin awareness.

Today’s Thought

The sentence, "Are you as bored as I am?", can be read backwards and still make sense.