Friday's Funnies

Busted

"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees. "Yes sir," the clerk replied. "That's good," the boss said. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you."

No Exceptions

Myra was going to the office party but needed a new party dress. In the clothing store she asked, "May I try on that dress in the window, please?" "Certainly not, madam," responded the salesgirl, "You'll have to use the fitting room like everyone else."

Oh, To Be A Kid Again

• Decisions were made by saying "eeny-meeny-miney-mo."
• Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming, "Do over!"
• "Race issue," meant arguing about who ran the fastest.
• Money issues were handled by whoever was the banker in Monopoly.
• Catching fireflies could happily occupy an entire evening.
• It wasn't odd to have two or three "best" friends.
• Being old referred to anyone over 20.
• It was magic when Dad would "remove" his thumb.
• It was unbelievable that dodge ball wasn't an Olympic event.
• Having a weapon in school meant being caught with a slingshot.
• Nobody was prettier than Mom.
• Scrapes and bruises were kissed and made better.
• It was a big deal to finally be tall enough to ride the "big people" rides at the amusement park.
• Getting a foot of snow was a dream come true.
• Abilities were discovered because of a "double-dog-dare."
• Saturday morning cartoons weren't 30-minute ads for action figures.
• No shopping trip was complete unless a new toy was brought home.
• "Oly-oly-oxen-free" made perfect sense.
• Spinning around, getting dizzy, and falling down would cause giggles.
• The worst embarrassment was being picked last for a team.
• War was a card game.
• Water balloons were the ultimate weapon.
• Baseball cards in the spokes transformed any bike into a motorcycle.
• Taking drugs meant orange-flavored chewable aspirin.
• Ice cream was considered a basic food group.
• Older siblings were the worst tormentors but also the fiercest protectors.

Working it Out

One friend complained to another, "All my husband and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset, I've lost 20 pounds." "If it's that bad, why don't you just leave him?" asked the second friend. "I'd like to lose another 15 pounds first."

Grandma's visit

“Oh, I sure am glad to see you,” the little boy said to his grandmother (on his mother’s side). “Now Daddy will do the trick he’s been promising us.” The grandmother was curious. “What trick is that?” she asked. “He told Mommy that he’d climb the walls if you came to visit,” answered the boy.

Haircuts

Women's version:
Woman2: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute!
Woman1: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?
Woman2: Oh no! No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.
Woman1: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.
Woman2: Oh - that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line.
Woman1: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms - see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.

Men's version:
Man2: Haircut?
Man1: Yeah.

Parking

I pulled into a crowded parking lot and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Labrador retriever had fresh air. She was stretched out on the back seat, and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there. I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, “Now you stay. Do you hear me? Stay!” The driver of a nearby car gave me a startled look. “I don’t know about you, lady,” he said incredulously. “But I usually just put my car in park.”