Friday's Funnies

 Sick Day

 

Our local newspaper ran several stories about a study that tied male obesity to a virus. One evening my brother came home exhausted from a long day at work. "Did you read the paper?" he asked. "Yes. I'm not going in to work tomorrow. I'm calling in fat."

 

Groaners

 

How does an attorney sleep?  First, he lies on one side, then he lies on the other side.

 

I have a few jokes about unemployed people, but none of them work.

 

What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter.

 

Two windmills are standing in a wind farm. One asks, “What’s your favorite kind of music? The other says, “I’m a big metal fan.”

 

Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There’s no menu - you get what you deserve.

 

I went to buy some camouflage trousers yesterday, but couldn't find any.

 

What do you call a bee that can’t make up its mind? A maybe.

 

I tried to sue the airline for losing my luggage. I lost my case.

 

Is it ignorance or apathy that's destroying the world today? I don't know and don't really care.

 

I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.

 

What's Wrong With Me

 

A guy walks into a doctor's office. He has a sausage coming out of his ear, a waffle coming out of his nose, and bacon coming out of his other ear. He says worriedly, "Doc, what's wrong with me?" The doctor replies, ''You're not eating properly.'

Argument

 

A couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the husband sarcastically asked, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "In-laws."

 

Contagious

 

A man feels very ill upon returning to the U.S. from a trip abroad. He goes to see his doctor and is immediately rushed to the hospital to undergo a barrage of extensive tests. The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital, and the phone by his bed rings. "This is your doctor. We've got the results back from your tests, and we've found you have an exceptionally dangerous virus that is extremely contagious!" "Oh my," cries the man in a panic, "What are you going to do?!" Well, we're going to put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes, and quesadillas."  "Will that cure me?" asked the man hopefully. The doctor replied, "No, but it's the only food we can get under the door."

Important Document

 

A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand. "Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?" "Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."

 

Time Off

 

Two factory workers were talking. "I know how to get some time off from work," said the man. "How do you think you will do that?" said the other. He proceeded to show her by climbing up to the rafters and hanging upside down. The boss walked in, saw the worker hanging from the ceiling, and asked him what on earth he was doing? "I'm a light bulb" answered the guy. "I think you need some time off," said the boss. So, the man jumped down and walked out of the factory. The second worker began walking out too. The boss asked her where did she think she was going? "Home. I can't work in the dark."

 

What Would You Like To Be?

 

Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in now, but our computer's down. You'll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as humans. What'll it be?" The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky Mountains." "So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest. The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, "Will any of this week 'count', St. Peter?" "No, I told you the computer's down. There's no way we can keep track of what you're doing. The week's a freebie." "In that case," says the second priest, "I've always wanted to be a stud." "So be it," says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears. A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests. "Will you have any trouble locating them?" he asks. "The first one should be easy," says St. Peter. "He's somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult." "Why?" asked the Lord. St. Peter answered, "He's on a snow tire, somewhere in North Dakota."

Drunk Driver

 

After the accident, I told the police officer I thought the driver of the other vehicle was drunk. He told me the other vehicle was a cow.

 

Dad Joke

My wife asked me if I could clear the kitchen table. I had to get a running start, but I made it!

 

Today’s Thought

 

Bringing my dog named SHARK to the beach yesterday was probably not the best idea.

 

Friday's Funnies

 Teens

 

A teenage girl had been talking on her phone for about half an hour, and then she hung up. "Wow!" said her father, "That was short. You usually talk for two hours or more. What happened?" "Wrong number..." replied the girl.

 

Aging

When you're young and drop something, you pick it up. When you're older and drop something, you stare at it for a bit contemplating if you need it anymore.

 

Funny Joke

 

My boss just texted me: "Send me one of your funny jokes!" I texted him back: "I'm busy working. I'll send one later." "That's hilarious," he said. "Send another one!"

 

Care and Feeding

 

The doctor was giving the new mother instructions on the care of her first baby. "Actually, it's quite simple." he said. "Just keep one end full and the other end dry and clean."

 

Poor Eyesight

 

An eighty-year-old man's golf game was hampered by poor eyesight. He could hit the ball well, but he couldn't see where it went. So his doctor teamed him up with a ninety-year-old man who had perfect eyesight and was willing to go along to serve as a spotter. The eighty-year-old man hit the first ball and asked his companion if he saw where it landed. "Yep," said the ninety-year-old.  "Where did it go?" the eighty-year-old demanded. The ninety-year-old replied, "I don't remember."

 

Two Crows

 

Two crows were in a field when they noticed a figure that looked like a man in the distance. "See that over there? What is that?" asks the first crow. The second crow takes a long look and then says, "That's a scarecrow. Looks authentic, doesn't it?" "How can you tell it's a scarecrow and not a person?" replies the first crow. "Look at its hands," says the second crow. "It's not holding a mobile phone."

 

Overheard On Noah’s Ark

10. "Did anyone think about bringing a couple of umbrellas?"
9. "Hey, there are more than two flies in here!"
8. "I finally get a bass boat and now I have to take the whole family..."
7. "Wasn't someone supposed to put two shovels on board?"
6. "Help! I need some Pepto for the elephants--QUICK!"
5. "OK, who's the wise-guy who brought the mosquitoes on board?"
4. "Don't make me pull this Ark over and come back there!"
3. "And whatever you do, DO NOT pull this plug out."
2. "Nice doggie!"
1. "Are we there yet?"

The Preacher And The Lawn Mower

 

A preacher was making his rounds to his parishioners on a bicycle when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawn mower. "How much do you want for the mower?" asked the preacher. "I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bicycle", said the little boy. After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, "Will you take my bike in trade for it?" The little boy asked if he could try it out first, and after riding the bike around a little while said, "Mister, you've got yourself a deal." The preacher took the mower and began to try to crank it. He pulled on the cord a few times with no response from the mower. The preacher called the little boy over and said, "I can't get this mower to start."  The little boy said, "That's because you have to cuss at it to get it started." The preacher said, "I am a minister, and I cannot cuss. It has been so long since I have been saved that I do not even remember how to cuss." The little boy looked at him happily and said, "Just keep pulling on that cord. It'll come back to ya!"

 

Useless Inventions

 

Black Highlighter

Braille Driver's Manual

Clear Correction Fluid

Fake Rhinestones

Inflatable Dart Board

Mesh Umbrella

Motorcycle Air Conditioner

Sugar Coated Toothpaste

Super-glue Post-it Notes

 

Lumberjack And The Little Man

 

A large, well-established, lumber camp advertised that they were looking for a good Lumberjack. The very next day, a skinny little man showed up at the camp with his axe and knocked on the head lumberjacks' door. The head lumberjack took one look at the little man and told him to leave. "Just give me a chance to show you what I can do," said the skinny man.  "Okay, see that giant redwood over there?" said the lumberjack. "Take your axe and go cut it down." The skinny man headed for the tree, and in five minutes he was back knocking on the lumberjack's door. "I cut the tree down," said the man. The lumberjack couldn't believe his eyes and said, "Where did you get the skill to chop down trees like that?"  "In the Sahara Forest," replied the puny man. "You mean the Sahara Desert," said the lumberjack.  The little man laughed and answered back, "Oh sure, that's what they call it now!"

 

Dad Joke

 

What is it called when you teach people the benefits of eating dried grapes? Raisin awareness.

 

Today’s Thought

The more you weigh the harder you are to kidnap. Stay safe. Eat cake.

Friday's Funnies

 Funny Signs

 

-        Astronauts use Linux because you can't open windows in space.

-        Ban pre-shredded cheese! Make America grate again!

-        Becoming a vegetarian is a big missed steak.

-        I child-proofed my house, but the kids still get in.

-        Flat-earthers have nothing to fear but sphere itself.

-        Geology rocks, but Geography is where it's at!

-        My wife said I never listen to her, or something like that.

-        There are three things that never lie: children, drunks and yoga pants.

-        I used to think I was indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

 

Protection

 

The following are a few simple ways to keep burglars out of the house by putting a few signs in well-placed locations.

Dear Mr. Butcher, starting tomorrow, please leave eight pounds of meat for Brutus. Six pounds only makes him angry and vicious!

Dear Mr. Mailman, we found bloodstains all over our mail. They must be yours. The next time you put mail into our slot, please be sure to keep all parts of your body well clear of all openings. P.S. Any sign of that book we ordered, "The Care and Feeding of Wild Jungle Cats?"

Dear Mr. Exterminator, be very careful when you go inside! The termites have eaten through most of the floorboards, and you will fall into the basement where all of the rats are!

To whom it may concern: Some of the items in this house have been engraved with Federal Identification Numbers. Others have merely been wired to explode when touched. Good luck...

Selma, don't come in! The boa constrictor got loose again...

 

The Frenchman

 

A Frenchman walks into a bar with a parrot perched on his shoulder. "Wow," says the bartended, "that's pretty cool, where'd you get him?" "Oh, him?" Says the parrot, "I found him in France, There's millions more over there."

 

Sunday School Lesson

 

The Sunday school lesson for the day was about Noah's Ark, so the preschool teacher in our Kentucky church decided to get her small pupils involved by playing a game in which they identified animals. "I'm going to describe something to you. Let's see if you can guess what it is. First: I'm furry with a bushy tail and I like to climb trees." The children looked at her blankly. "I also like to eat nuts, especially acorns." No response. This wasn't going well at all! "I'm usually brown or grey, but sometimes I can be black or red." Desperate, the teacher turned to a perky four-year-old who was usually good about coming up with the answers. "Michelle, what do you think?" Michelle looked hesitantly at her classmates and replied, "Well, I know the answer has to be Jesus -- but it sure sounds like a squirrel to me!"

 

Lucky Number 5

 

A 55-year-old man who was born on May 5, had been married 5 years, had 5 children, and made $55,555.55 a year. Of course, his lucky number was 5. The man receives a phone call from a friend. The friend informs him that a horse named Lucky 5 will be running in the fifth race at the local track that evening. Excitedly, the man withdraws $5,555.00 cash from his bank account, goes to the races and bets on Lucky 5. Sure enough the horse comes in fifth.

First Prize

 

A little boy took his dog on a "take your pet to school" day. There were prizes for the smallest, the prettiest, the cutest, and the smartest pet. Determined that his dog win a prize, the boy put his pet through a whole series of tricks. Finally, the boy turned to the dog and asked, "Mindy, how much is two plus two minus four?" The dog sat quietly, making no sound, remaining still and silent. "Right!" exclaimed the boy. His dog won first prize.

Women

 

Husband's Message (by cellphone): Honey, I was involved in a car accident. Paula brought me to the Hospital. They have been making tests and taking X-rays. The blow to my head has been very severe. Fortunately, it seems that it did not cause any serious injury. But I have three broken ribs, a compound fracture in the left leg and they may have to amputate the right foot.

Wife's Response: Who is Paula?

 

Insurance

 

An insurance salesman was trying to persuade a housewife that she should take out life insurance. "Suppose your husband were to die," he said, "What would you get?"  The housewife thought for a while, and then said, "Oh, a parrot, I think. Then the house wouldn't seem so quiet."

 

From the Cat…

 

To tell the weather, go to your back door and look for the dog. If the dog is at the door and he is wet, it's probably raining. But if the dog is standing there really soaking wet, it is probably raining really hard. If the dog's fur looks like it's been rubbed the wrong way, it's probably windy. If the dog has snow on his back, it's probably snowing. Of course, to be able to tell the weather like this, you must leave the dog outside all the time, especially if you expect bad weather.  Sincerely, The Cat

 

Dad Joke

 

Which country's capital has the fastest-growing population?  Ireland.  Every day it's Dublin.

 

Today’s Thought

What do you get when you mix poison ivy with a four-leaf clover? A rash of good luck.

Friday's Funnies

 Funny Signs

 

-        Do UK websites use biscuits instead of cookies?

-        Tradition is peer pressure from the dead.

-        Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time!

-        Dear Naps, I'm sorry I was a jerk to you as a kid.

-        I just did a week's worth of cardio after walking into a spider web.

-        I wish I had a pair of skinny genes.

-        I used to cough to hide my flatulence. Now (with COVID) I flatulate to hide my coughs.

-        The first five days after the weekend are the hardest.

-        What I if told you, you read the first part of this sentence wrong?

 

On-board Computer

 

A friend of mine bought a new car that sported an on-board computer. One Sunday morning when he got into the car to drive to church, the digital display lit up.  Glancing at the readout, he chuckled at the announcement: "Time for service."

Job Interview

 

The interviewer examined the job application then turned to the prospective employee. "I see you have put ASAP down for the date you are available to start, meaning as soon as possible, of course. However, I see you've put AMAP down for required salary. I don't believe I've ever seen that before, what does it mean?" The applicant replied, "As Much as Possible!"

Repair Shop

 

When a guy's printer type began to grow faint, he called a local repair shop where a friendly man informed him that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned. Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he told him he might be better off reading the printer's manual and trying the job himself. Pleasantly surprised by his candor, he asked, "Does your boss know that you discourage business?" "Actually, it's my boss's idea," the employee replied sheepishly. "We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first."

 

Doctor’s Office

 

A guy goes into the doctor's office. There's a banana stuck in one of his ears, a carrot stuck in one nostril, and a cucumber in the other ear. The man says, "Doc, this is terrible. What's wrong with me?" The doctor says, "Well, first of all, you're not eating right." 

Psychiatrist

 

John went to a psychiatrist: "I've got problems. Every time I go to bed, I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy."  "Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come talk to me three times a week, and we should be able to get rid of those fears."  "How much do you charge?" John asked warily. "Each visit is $300," replied the doctor. "Well, I'll sleep on it." Six months later the doctor bumped into John on the street: "Why didn't you ever come to see me about those fears you were having?" "Well, three hundred bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A friend at work cured me for nothing. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought myself a new pickup!" "Is that so?! And how, may I ask, did your friend cure you?" "He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"

 

Flu Notes

(Notes pinned to the pillow of a mother who has the flu by a well-meaning husband who has inherited the house and kids.)

Monday A.M.:
Dearest: Sleep late. Everything under control. Lunches packed. Kids off to school. Menu for dinner planned. Your lunch is on a tray in refrigerator: fruit cup, finger-sandwiches. Thermos of hot tea by bedside. See you around six.

Tuesday A.M.:
Honey: Sorry about the egg rack in the refrigerator. Hope you got back to sleep. Did the kids tell you about the Coke I put in the Thermoses? The school might call you on this. Dinner may be a little late. I'm doing your door-to-door canvas for liver research. Your lunch is in refrigerator. Hope you like leftover chili.

Wednesday A.M.:
Dear Doris: Why in the name of all that is sane would you put soap powder in the flour canister! If you have time, could you please come up with a likely spot for Chris's missing shoes? We've checked the clothes hamper, garage, back seat of the car and wood box. Did you know the school has a ruling on bedroom slippers? There's some cold pizza for you on a napkin in the oven drawer. Will be late tonight. Driving eight Girl Scouts to tour meatpacking house.

Thursday A.M.:
Doris: Don't panic over water in hallway. It crested last night at 9pm. Will finish laundry tonight. Please pencil in answers to following:
1. How do you turn on the garbage disposal?
2. How do you turn off the milkman?
3. Why would that rotten kid leave his shoes in his boots?
4. What do you do with leftovers when they begin to snap at you when you open the door?
I don't know what you're having for lunch! Surprise me!

Friday A.M.:
Hey: Don't drink from pitcher by the sink. Am trying to restore pink dress shirt to original white. Take heart. Tonight, the ironing will be folded, the house cleaned and the dinner on time. I called your mother.

Dad Joke

What does a thesaurus eat for breakfast? Synonym rolls.

Today’s Thought

At a job interview, tell them you're willing to give 110 percent. Unless the job is a statistician.

Friday's Funnies

 Teens

 

"Why is Dad never home?" the 16 year old girl asked her mother. "Well, dear, he has taken a second job so that you can have iPads, mobile phone, a TV in your room, club memberships, cosmetics, trendy clothes . . . he does it all for you, so his beautiful girl doesn't miss out on a thing." "Wow," the teenager replied thoughtfully, "that's really very selfish of him, isn't it?"

 

Speeding Ticket

A driver got a speeding ticket and went to pay the fine. The police clerk issued a receipt for payment and the annoyed driver said, "What am I supposed to do with this?" "Keep it," the clerk advised. "If you collect enough of them, you get a bicycle!"

 

Sunday School Lesson

 

The Sunday school lesson for the day was about Noah's Ark, so the preschool teacher in our Kentucky church decided to get her small pupils involved by playing a game in which they identified animals. "I'm going to describe something to you. Let's see if you can guess what it is. First: I'm furry with a bushy tail and I like to climb trees." The children looked at her blankly. "I also like to eat nuts, especially acorns." No response. This wasn't going well at all! "I'm usually brown or grey, but sometimes I can be black or red." Desperate, the teacher turned to a perky four-year-old who was usually good about coming up with the answers. "Michelle, what do you think?"

Michelle looked hesitantly at her classmates and replied, "Well, I know the answer has to be Jesus -- but it sure sounds like a squirrel to me!"

 

Rules For Procrastinators

1. If anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.
2. Never put off until tomorrow what you can forget about altogether.
3. All deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given.
4. The probability of a miracle, though infinitesimally small, is not exactly zero.
5. If at first you don't succeed, there is always next year.

 

Lost In The Translation

 

A six-year-old goes to the hospital with his grandma to visit his grandpa. When they get to the hospital, he runs ahead of his grandma and bursts into his grandpa's room. "Grandpa, Grandpa!" he says excitedly, "As soon as Grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!" "What?" said his grandpa. Make a noise like a frog because Grandma said that as soon as you croak, we're going to Disneyland!!!"

 

Useless Inventions

 

Black Highlighter
Braille Driver's Manual
Clear Correction Fluid
Fake Rhinestones

Inflatable Dart Board
Mesh Umbrella
Motorcycle Air Conditioner
Sugar Coated Toothpaste
Super-glue Post-it Notes

Walk-In Clinic

 

A woman went to a walk-in clinic, where she was seen by a young, new doctor. After about three minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant.  She burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall.  An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him what had happened.  After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another exam room.  The doctor marched down the hallway back to where the first doctor was and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 59 years old, has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was PREGNANT?!"  The young doctor continued to write on his clipboard, and without looking up, asked, "Does she still have the hiccups?"

 

Church

 

A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."

 

Murphy’s Laws For Parents

1. The tennis shoes you must replace today will go on sale next week.
2. Leakproof anything will leak.
3. The chances of a piece of bread falling with the grape jelly side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.
4. The garbage truck will be two doors past your house when the argument over whose day it is to take out the trash ends.
5. The shirt your child must wear today will be the only one that needs to be washed or mended.
6. Gym clothes left at school in lockers mildew at a faster rate than other clothing.
7. The item your child lost - and must have for school within the next ten seconds - will be found in the last place you look.
8. Sick children recover miraculously when the pediatrician enters the treatment room.
9. Refrigerated items, used daily, will gravitate toward the back of the refrigerator.
10. Your chances of being seen by someone you know dramatically increase if you drive your child to school in your robe and curlers.

Dad Joke

 

I caught my son chewing on electrical cords. So, I had to ground him. He's doing better currently. And conducting himself properly.

Today’s Thought

LAZY is such an ugly word. I prefer SELECTIVE PARTICIPATION.