Busted
"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees. "Yes sir," the clerk replied. "That's good," the boss said. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you."
No Exceptions
Myra was going to the office party but needed a new party dress. In the clothing store she asked, "May I try on that dress in the window, please?" "Certainly not, madam," responded the salesgirl, "You'll have to use the fitting room like everyone else."
Oh, To Be A Kid Again
• Decisions were made by saying "eeny-meeny-miney-mo."
• Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming, "Do over!"
• "Race issue," meant arguing about who ran the fastest.
• Money issues were handled by whoever was the banker in Monopoly.
• Catching fireflies could happily occupy an entire evening.
• It wasn't odd to have two or three "best" friends.
• Being old referred to anyone over 20.
• It was magic when Dad would "remove" his thumb.
• It was unbelievable that dodge ball wasn't an Olympic event.
• Having a weapon in school meant being caught with a slingshot.
• Nobody was prettier than Mom.
• Scrapes and bruises were kissed and made better.
• It was a big deal to finally be tall enough to ride the "big people" rides at the amusement park.
• Getting a foot of snow was a dream come true.
• Abilities were discovered because of a "double-dog-dare."
• Saturday morning cartoons weren't 30-minute ads for action figures.
• No shopping trip was complete unless a new toy was brought home.
• "Oly-oly-oxen-free" made perfect sense.
• Spinning around, getting dizzy, and falling down would cause giggles.
• The worst embarrassment was being picked last for a team.
• War was a card game.
• Water balloons were the ultimate weapon.
• Baseball cards in the spokes transformed any bike into a motorcycle.
• Taking drugs meant orange-flavored chewable aspirin.
• Ice cream was considered a basic food group.
• Older siblings were the worst tormentors but also the fiercest protectors.
Working it Out
One friend complained to another, "All my husband and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset, I've lost 20 pounds." "If it's that bad, why don't you just leave him?" asked the second friend. "I'd like to lose another 15 pounds first."
Grandma's visit
“Oh, I sure am glad to see you,” the little boy said to his grandmother (on his mother’s side). “Now Daddy will do the trick he’s been promising us.” The grandmother was curious. “What trick is that?” she asked. “He told Mommy that he’d climb the walls if you came to visit,” answered the boy.
Haircuts
Women's version:
Woman2: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute!
Woman1: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?
Woman2: Oh no! No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.
Woman1: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.
Woman2: Oh - that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line.
Woman1: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms - see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.
Men's version:
Man2: Haircut?
Man1: Yeah.
Parking
I pulled into a crowded parking lot and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Labrador retriever had fresh air. She was stretched out on the back seat, and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there. I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, “Now you stay. Do you hear me? Stay!” The driver of a nearby car gave me a startled look. “I don’t know about you, lady,” he said incredulously. “But I usually just put my car in park.”
Friday, October 22, 2010
Friday, October 15, 2010
Friday's Funnies
I Have An Accent?
I told our pastor's wife that October was Pastor Appreciation Month. She said, "church pastor or Italian pasta?
The Census
An old man was sitting on his porch, when a young man walked up with a pad and pencil in his hand. "What are you selling, young man?" he asked. "I'm not selling anything, sir," the young man replied. "I'm the census taker." "A what?" the man asked. "A census taker. We are trying to find out how many people are in the United States." "Well," the man answered, "you're wasting your time with me; I have no idea."
King Solomon's Pet Peeves
(From "Bible Humor Top Seven Lists" by Dave Veerman and Rich Anderson.)
7. Having people ask, "If you're so smart, why haven't you been on Jeopardy?"
6. Being asked the names of all his wives and children
5. Finding Christmas cards large enough for the names of everyone in his family
4. Signing Christmas cards
3. Being a tourist attraction (1 Kings 4:34)
2. Not being able to find the tune to "Song of Solomon"
1. Having all those mothers-in-law
The Haircut
(Story often adapted by Bill Gaither regarding the length of his concerts.)
A pastor, known for his lengthy sermons, noticed a man get up and leave during the middle of his message. The man returned just before the conclusion of the service. Afterwards the pastor asked the man where he had gone. "I went to get a haircut," was the reply. "But," said the pastor, "why didn't you do that before the service?" "Because," the gentleman said, "I didn't need one then."
Cafeteria Food
One outraged college student stomped up to the lunch line at the cafeteria, holding a plate with a piece of pie on it. "This is disgusting!" he exclaimed. "What kind of pie do you call this?!" The lunch lady calmly put down her ladle, looked him in the eye and snarled, "And just what does it taste like?" "It tastes like cardboard and rubber cement!" the student cried. Lunch Lady thinks a moment, then replies, "That must be the apple. The cherry pie tastes like stale crackers and soap."
Missing The Point
I was eavesdropping on two women sitting behind me on the bus when they started talking about a trip to Switzerland. The first passenger asked the second whether she had enjoyed the beautiful scenery. "Not really," came the reply. "I couldn't see much because of all the mountains in the way."
The Plan
A man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and said, "You know, I've lost my wife somewhere in this huge supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?" "Why?" she asks. "Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife suddenly appears out of nowhere and I'm tired of looking for her!"
You know you're growing old when...
• You've come to the annoying realization that your parents were right about almost everything. • The bag boy volunteers to help load groceries into your car-in the "ten items or less" lane.
• You've stopped supporting your children and started supporting your parents.
• You buy "age-defying" makeup and "anti-wrinkle" creams and believe they work.
• You've realized that all those geeky people in Bermuda shorts walking around Disney World include you.
• You've had three opportunities to buy every single Disney Animated Classic ... "for the last time in a generation"
• Your short-term memory is not as sharp as it used to be. Also, your short-term memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Standard pricing procedure
In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where a family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. "I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces. 'The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky, but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the BRAIN. The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a time, someone asked, 'How much will a brain cost?' The doctor quickly responded, '$5,000 for a male brain; $200 for a female brain.' The moment turned awkward. Some of the men actually had to 'try' to not smile, avoiding eye contact with the women. A man unable to control his curiosity, finally blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, 'Why is the male brain so much more than a female brain?' The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, 'It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to price the female brains a lot lower because they've been used.'
Bad day at the office
The businessman dragged himself home and barely made it to his chair before he dropped, exhausted. His sympathetic wife was right there with a tall cool drink and a comforting word. “My, you look tired,” she said. “You must have had a hard day today. What happened to make you so exhausted?” “It was terrible,” her husband said, “The computer broke down and all of us had to do our own thinking.”
Dented bumper
Recently, my husband put his car in reverse and accidentally drove it into a wall. He took it to his mechanic, who replaced the dented bumper. A few days later, he did it again. "I'm so embarrassed," he moaned, reaching for the phone. "Why not tell him it was me this time?" I suggested. "Maybe I will," he said while dialing. "It worked the last time."
I told our pastor's wife that October was Pastor Appreciation Month. She said, "church pastor or Italian pasta?
The Census
An old man was sitting on his porch, when a young man walked up with a pad and pencil in his hand. "What are you selling, young man?" he asked. "I'm not selling anything, sir," the young man replied. "I'm the census taker." "A what?" the man asked. "A census taker. We are trying to find out how many people are in the United States." "Well," the man answered, "you're wasting your time with me; I have no idea."
King Solomon's Pet Peeves
(From "Bible Humor Top Seven Lists" by Dave Veerman and Rich Anderson.)
7. Having people ask, "If you're so smart, why haven't you been on Jeopardy?"
6. Being asked the names of all his wives and children
5. Finding Christmas cards large enough for the names of everyone in his family
4. Signing Christmas cards
3. Being a tourist attraction (1 Kings 4:34)
2. Not being able to find the tune to "Song of Solomon"
1. Having all those mothers-in-law
The Haircut
(Story often adapted by Bill Gaither regarding the length of his concerts.)
A pastor, known for his lengthy sermons, noticed a man get up and leave during the middle of his message. The man returned just before the conclusion of the service. Afterwards the pastor asked the man where he had gone. "I went to get a haircut," was the reply. "But," said the pastor, "why didn't you do that before the service?" "Because," the gentleman said, "I didn't need one then."
Cafeteria Food
One outraged college student stomped up to the lunch line at the cafeteria, holding a plate with a piece of pie on it. "This is disgusting!" he exclaimed. "What kind of pie do you call this?!" The lunch lady calmly put down her ladle, looked him in the eye and snarled, "And just what does it taste like?" "It tastes like cardboard and rubber cement!" the student cried. Lunch Lady thinks a moment, then replies, "That must be the apple. The cherry pie tastes like stale crackers and soap."
Missing The Point
I was eavesdropping on two women sitting behind me on the bus when they started talking about a trip to Switzerland. The first passenger asked the second whether she had enjoyed the beautiful scenery. "Not really," came the reply. "I couldn't see much because of all the mountains in the way."
The Plan
A man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and said, "You know, I've lost my wife somewhere in this huge supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?" "Why?" she asks. "Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife suddenly appears out of nowhere and I'm tired of looking for her!"
You know you're growing old when...
• You've come to the annoying realization that your parents were right about almost everything. • The bag boy volunteers to help load groceries into your car-in the "ten items or less" lane.
• You've stopped supporting your children and started supporting your parents.
• You buy "age-defying" makeup and "anti-wrinkle" creams and believe they work.
• You've realized that all those geeky people in Bermuda shorts walking around Disney World include you.
• You've had three opportunities to buy every single Disney Animated Classic ... "for the last time in a generation"
• Your short-term memory is not as sharp as it used to be. Also, your short-term memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Standard pricing procedure
In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where a family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. "I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces. 'The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky, but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the BRAIN. The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a time, someone asked, 'How much will a brain cost?' The doctor quickly responded, '$5,000 for a male brain; $200 for a female brain.' The moment turned awkward. Some of the men actually had to 'try' to not smile, avoiding eye contact with the women. A man unable to control his curiosity, finally blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, 'Why is the male brain so much more than a female brain?' The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, 'It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to price the female brains a lot lower because they've been used.'
Bad day at the office
The businessman dragged himself home and barely made it to his chair before he dropped, exhausted. His sympathetic wife was right there with a tall cool drink and a comforting word. “My, you look tired,” she said. “You must have had a hard day today. What happened to make you so exhausted?” “It was terrible,” her husband said, “The computer broke down and all of us had to do our own thinking.”
Dented bumper
Recently, my husband put his car in reverse and accidentally drove it into a wall. He took it to his mechanic, who replaced the dented bumper. A few days later, he did it again. "I'm so embarrassed," he moaned, reaching for the phone. "Why not tell him it was me this time?" I suggested. "Maybe I will," he said while dialing. "It worked the last time."
Friday, October 1, 2010
Friday's Funnies
Count Your Blessings
During the last Sunday service that the visiting pastor was to spend at the church he served for some months, his hat was passed around for a goodwill offering. When it returned to the pastor, it was empty. The pastor didn't flinch. He raised the hat to Heaven and said, "I thank You, Lord, that I got my hat back from this congregation."
Exam Assistance
In the examination paper, the professor wanted us to sign a form stating that we had not received any outside assistance. Unsure of whether he should sign the form, a student stated that he had prayed for the assistance of God. The professor carefully studied the answer script and then said, "You can sign it with a clear conscience. It's obvious that God did not assist you."
Amen
A visiting minister was very long-winded. Worse, every time he would make a good point during his sermon and a member of the congregation responded with "Amen" or "That's right, preacher" he would get wound up even more and launch into another lengthy discourse. Finally, the host pastor started responding to every few sentences with "Amen, Pharaoh!" The guest minister wasn't sure what that meant, but after several more "Amen, Pharaohs" he finally concluded his very lengthy sermon. After the service concluded and the congregation had left, the visiting minister turned to his host and asked, "What exactly did you mean when you said "Amen, Pharaoh?" His host replied, "I was telling you to let my people go!"
Back to School Fun
• Well, it's back-to-school time. Or as the kids call it, "Open season on teachers."
• I don't know about schools today. Next year my son's school is offering a computer course in penmanship.
• My son made the "Honor Roll" last year. He only had "C" average, but he got an "A-Plus" in selling PTA candy.
• They're having a Back-to-School celebration in my neighborhood — with dancing and singing and yelling and jumping up and down. It's going to last all week. It's not for the kids — it's for the mothers.
• I think I would have been a better student in elementary school, but every time I raised my hand to answer a question, the teacher sent me to the bathroom .
Free will
A young couple came into the church office to fill out a pre-marriage questionnaire form. The young man, who had never talked to a pastor before, was quite nervous and the pastor tried to put him at ease. When they came to the question, "Are you entering this marriage of your own free will?" there was a long pause. Finally, the girl looked over at the apprehensive young man and said, "Put down yes".
Senior moment
A very elderly gentleman (mid-nineties), very well dressed, hair well groomed, great-looking suit, flower in his lapel, smelling slightly of a good after-shave, presenting a well-looked-after image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge.
Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady (mid-eighties). The gentleman walks over, sits along side of her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her, and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"
For the over 50 generation
I thought about the 30 year business I ran with 1800 employees, all without a Blackberry that played music, took videos, pictures and communicated with Facebook and Twitter.
I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my seven kids, their spouses, 13 grandkids and 2 great grand kids could communicate with me in the modern way. I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space.
That was before one of my grandkids hooked me up for Tweeter, Tweetree, Twhirl, Twitterfon, Twe etie and Twittererific Tweetdeck, Twitpix and something that sends every message to my cell phone and every other program within the texting world.
My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation. I am not ready to live like this. I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.
The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth [it's red] phone I am supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once and was standing in line at Barnes and Noble talking to my wife as everyone in the nearest 50 yards was glaring at me. Seems I have to take my hearing aid out to use it,
and I got a little loud.
I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, "Re-calc-ul-ating". You would think that she could be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then when I would make a right turn instead, it was not good.
When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy, the GPS lady, at least she loves me.
To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven't figured out how I can lose three phones all at once and have run around digging under chair cushions and checking bathrooms and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.
The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle on something themselves but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?" every time I check out just knocks me for a loop. I bought some of those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused, but I never remember to take them in with me.
I was recently asked if I tweet. I answered, No, but I do toot a lot."
During the last Sunday service that the visiting pastor was to spend at the church he served for some months, his hat was passed around for a goodwill offering. When it returned to the pastor, it was empty. The pastor didn't flinch. He raised the hat to Heaven and said, "I thank You, Lord, that I got my hat back from this congregation."
Exam Assistance
In the examination paper, the professor wanted us to sign a form stating that we had not received any outside assistance. Unsure of whether he should sign the form, a student stated that he had prayed for the assistance of God. The professor carefully studied the answer script and then said, "You can sign it with a clear conscience. It's obvious that God did not assist you."
Amen
A visiting minister was very long-winded. Worse, every time he would make a good point during his sermon and a member of the congregation responded with "Amen" or "That's right, preacher" he would get wound up even more and launch into another lengthy discourse. Finally, the host pastor started responding to every few sentences with "Amen, Pharaoh!" The guest minister wasn't sure what that meant, but after several more "Amen, Pharaohs" he finally concluded his very lengthy sermon. After the service concluded and the congregation had left, the visiting minister turned to his host and asked, "What exactly did you mean when you said "Amen, Pharaoh?" His host replied, "I was telling you to let my people go!"
Back to School Fun
• Well, it's back-to-school time. Or as the kids call it, "Open season on teachers."
• I don't know about schools today. Next year my son's school is offering a computer course in penmanship.
• My son made the "Honor Roll" last year. He only had "C" average, but he got an "A-Plus" in selling PTA candy.
• They're having a Back-to-School celebration in my neighborhood — with dancing and singing and yelling and jumping up and down. It's going to last all week. It's not for the kids — it's for the mothers.
• I think I would have been a better student in elementary school, but every time I raised my hand to answer a question, the teacher sent me to the bathroom .
Free will
A young couple came into the church office to fill out a pre-marriage questionnaire form. The young man, who had never talked to a pastor before, was quite nervous and the pastor tried to put him at ease. When they came to the question, "Are you entering this marriage of your own free will?" there was a long pause. Finally, the girl looked over at the apprehensive young man and said, "Put down yes".
Senior moment
A very elderly gentleman (mid-nineties), very well dressed, hair well groomed, great-looking suit, flower in his lapel, smelling slightly of a good after-shave, presenting a well-looked-after image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge.
Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady (mid-eighties). The gentleman walks over, sits along side of her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her, and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"
For the over 50 generation
I thought about the 30 year business I ran with 1800 employees, all without a Blackberry that played music, took videos, pictures and communicated with Facebook and Twitter.
I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my seven kids, their spouses, 13 grandkids and 2 great grand kids could communicate with me in the modern way. I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space.
That was before one of my grandkids hooked me up for Tweeter, Tweetree, Twhirl, Twitterfon, Twe etie and Twittererific Tweetdeck, Twitpix and something that sends every message to my cell phone and every other program within the texting world.
My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation. I am not ready to live like this. I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.
The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth [it's red] phone I am supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once and was standing in line at Barnes and Noble talking to my wife as everyone in the nearest 50 yards was glaring at me. Seems I have to take my hearing aid out to use it,
and I got a little loud.
I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, "Re-calc-ul-ating". You would think that she could be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then when I would make a right turn instead, it was not good.
When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy, the GPS lady, at least she loves me.
To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven't figured out how I can lose three phones all at once and have run around digging under chair cushions and checking bathrooms and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.
The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle on something themselves but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?" every time I check out just knocks me for a loop. I bought some of those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused, but I never remember to take them in with me.
I was recently asked if I tweet. I answered, No, but I do toot a lot."
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