Friday's Funnies

Advance Payment

Business professor: "Who can give me an example of a system where you are billed before you actually receive your goods?"
Student: "Tuition!"

Short Ones

• Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation toward the local swimming pool. So I gave him a glass of water.
• When I was a child I thought Nap Time was a punishment. Now, as a grownup, it just feels like a small vacation!
• At any given time, the urge to sing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" is just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away...

Gone Fishin'

Roger came to Sunday School late. His teacher knew that he was usually very prompt and asked him if anything was wrong. The boy replied no, nothing was wrong, that he was going fishing but his dad told him that he needed to go to church. The teacher was very impressed and asked Roger if his dad had explained to him why it was more important to go to church than to go fishing. "Yes he did. Dad said he didn't have enough bait for both of us."

On Her Knees

A guy was telling his friend that he and his wife had a serious argument the night before. "But it ended," he said, "when she came crawling to me on her hands and knees." "Wow. What did she say?" asked the friend. The husband replied, "She shouted, 'Come out from under that bed, you coward!'"

Delusional

When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch, the psychiatrist began his therapy session.   "I'm not aware of your problem," the doctor said. "So perhaps, you should start at the very beginning."  "Of course," replied the patient. "In the beginning, I created the Heavens and the Earth..."

Actual (We're Told) Newspaper Headlines

• Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
• Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
• Miners Refuse to Work after Death
• Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
• War Dims Hope for Peace
• If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
• Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
• London Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
• Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
• Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
• New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
• Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
• Hospitals Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
• Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Lion Tamer

A man told the ringmaster that he was interested in joining the circus as a lion tamer. The ringmaster asked if he had any experience and the man said, "Why, yes. My father was one of the most famous lion tamers in the world, and he taught me everything he knew."

"Really?" said the ringmaster. "Did he teach you how to make a lion jump through a flaming hoop?"

"Yes he did," the man replied.

"And did he teach you how to have six lions form a pyramid?"

"Yes he did," the man replied.

"And have you ever stuck your head in a lion's mouth?"

"Just once," the man replied.

The ringmaster asked, "Why only once?"

And the man said, "I was looking for my father."

School Daze

• Nathan comes home from his first day at school. Mother asks, "What did you learn today?" "Not enough," he replies. "I have to go back tomorrow."
• Mom: "How did you find school today?"
  Youngster: "I simply hopped off the bus — and there it was."
• Mia: "I think we need a new teacher."
  Mom: "Why is that?"
  Mia: "Our teacher doesn't know anything, she keeps asking us for the answers."
• Teacher: "Who can tell me what a 'mystery' is?"
  Pupil: "A mystery is when someone colors on the table, but no one knows who did it."
• Brenda's six-year-old daughter was explaining to the other kids in her class what "extinct" meant. "Well," she said in all seriousness, "it means that the dinosaurs are all dead and have been dead so long they don't stink anymore. That's why they call them exstinked."

Impressive

My daughter's history class was able to take a trip to Washington, DC, last year. She didn't seem too excited, deeming it too "educational" to be any fun. But when she returned she was bubbling over with enthusiasm and wonder and even awe as she described how they stood on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial, staring at the Washington Monument across the reflecting pool. "Just think, Mom," she marveled, "we were standing in the exact spot where Forrest Gump stood!"

Today’s Thought


A pessimist is a person who looks both way before crossing a one-way street.

Friday's Funnies

Praying for all affected by Hurricane Irma!

Shorts

• What's the difference between an optimist and a pessimist? An optimist only wears a belt. A pessimist wears a belt, suspenders, and carries safety pins.
• The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
• I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
• No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
• Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
• Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
• Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'
• I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
• A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'
• A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

Out With A Bang

A man once counseled his son that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his eggs every morning. The son did this religiously, and he lived to the age of 93. When he died, he left 14 children, 28 grandchildren, 35 great-grandchildren, and a 15-foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.

Fake News

If Biblical headlines were written by today's media...

• On Red Sea crossing:
  Wetlands Trampled in Labor Strike
    Pursuing Environmentalists Killed
• On David vs. Goliath:
  Hate Crime Kills Beloved Champion
    Psychologist Questions Influence of Rock
• On Elijah on Mt. Carmel:
  Fire Sends Religious Extremist into Frenzy
    400 Killed
• On the birth of Christ:
  Hotels Full, Animals Left Homeless
    Animal Rights Activists Enraged by Insensitive Couple
• On feeding the 5,000:
  Preacher Takes Child's Lunch
    Disciples Mystified Over Behavior
• On healing the 10 lepers:
  Local Doctor's Practice Ruined
    "Faith Healer" Causes Bankruptcy
• On healing of the Gadarene demoniac:
  Madman's Friend Causes Stampede
    Local Farmer's Investment Lost
• On raising Lazarus from the dead:
  Fundamentalist Preacher Raises a Stink
    Reading of Will Delayed

Kids' Science Exam Answers

• Q:  Name the four seasons.
  A:  Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
• Q:  What does 'varicose' mean?
  A:  Nearby.
• Q:  Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarian Section.'
  A:  The Caesarian Section is a district in Rome.
• Q:  What does the word 'benign' mean?'
  A:  Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Shorts

• Misers aren't much fun to live with, but they make great ancestors.
• There are moments when everything goes well. Don't be frightened, it won't last.
• The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.
• I went to Magician's School but flunked the final exam. They were all trick questions.
• When you see the handwriting on the wall, you can bet you're in a public restroom.
• There are only two things a child will share willingly — communicable diseases and mom's age.
• Hospitality is making your guests feel at home, even if you wish they were.
• The world is full of willing people: some willing to work and some willing to let them.
• Money isn't everything. There are credit cards, money orders and travelers checks.

Worship

Worship brings all kinds of responses, as I observed in church recently. An elderly woman was standing with eyes closed and hands raised in prayer and praise. The three-year-old standing in the pew in front of her turned around and gave her a high-five!

Top 10 Reasons to Procrastinate:

1.

Today’s Thought

They say that inside each heavy person is a thin person struggling to get out. I've discovered that mine can be sedated with a piece of chocolate cake.

Friday's Funnies

Nap Time

When I was a child I thought Nap Time was a punishment ... now, as a grown up, it just feels like a small vacation!

Thoughts To Ponder

1. Why is it that everyone driving faster than you is considered an idiot and everyone driving slower than you is a moron?

2. Why does grape flavor smell the way it is when actual grapes don't taste or smell anything like it.

3. If its 11:30 PM Dec 31 in Texas and 12:30 AM Jan 1st in New York and you have a New York driver's license that expires Jan 2007, does that mean your license has expired?

4. When does it stop being partly cloudy and start being partly sunny?

5. Is there a time limit on fortune cookie predictions?

6. If ghosts can walk through walls and glide down stairs, why don't they fall through the floor?

7. Is it legal to travel down a road in reverse, as long as your following the direction of the traffic?

8. Why is vanilla ice cream white when vanilla extract is brown?

9. If a doctor suddenly had a heart attack while doing surgery, would the other doctors work on the doctor or the patient?

10. Why aren't drapes double sided so it looks nice on the inside and outside of your home?

11. Why do people say “beans, beans, the magical fruit” when beans are vegetables?

12. If laughter is the best medicine, who's the idiot who said they 'died laughing'?

Expensive

A Scotsman, planning a trip to the Holy Land, was aghast when he found it would cost one hundred dollars an hour to rent a boat on the Sea of Galilee.  "Hoot mon," he said, "in Scotland it wouldna ha been more than $20."  "That might be true," said the travel agent, "but you have to take into account that the Sea of Galilee is water on which our Lord Himself walked."   "Well, at $100 an hour for a boat," said the Scotsman, "it's no wonder He walked."

The Cynical Philosopher

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy

but won't cross the street to vote.

You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone?  That's your common sense leaving your body.

Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance.  We'll see about that.

I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer.  I saw it through my telescope last night.

Money talks...but all mine ever says is good-bye.

My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I’m pretty sure she was hitting on me.

Denny’s has a slogan, “If it’s your birthday, the meal is on us.” If you’re in Denny’s and it’s your birthday, you don’t have a life!

The pharmacist asked me my birth date again today. I’m pretty sure she’s going to get me something.

The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.

The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie were all single. The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk.

Instructions

Patient: It's been one month since my last visit and I still feel miserable.

Doctor: Did you follow the instructions on the medicine I gave you?

Patient: I sure did. The bottle said "keep tightly closed."

Husband's Estimate

Joe's wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger. After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products, she asked, "Darling, honestly, what age would you say I am?"  Looking over her carefully, Joe replied, "Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty five."  "Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed.  "Hey, wait a minute!" Joe interrupted. "I haven't added them up yet."

Today’s Thought

Then all of a sudden it hit me: I should have hung that ceiling fan higher.