Friday's Funnies

Fasting

One day, my husband announced to the family that he was going to fast and pray. Ginny, our five-year-old, had recently learned that fasting meant not eating. "No!" she shouted. "You can't fast! You'll die!" Her dad carefully explained that many men and women fasted in Bible times. Ginny paused a moment. Then, with a flash of insight and a note of warning, she proved her point: "And they're all dead!" she said.

Q&A

·         Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud."  "Yes sir, it's fresh ground."

·         What do you give a man who has everything? Antibiotics.

·         On which side do chickens have the most feathers?  The outside.

·         What did the grape say when the elephant stepped on it?  Nothing. It just let out a little wine.

·         Why is it so difficult to train dogs to dance?  They have two left feet.

Divorce

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce. He asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"  She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."  "No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"  "It is made of concrete, brick, and mortar," she responded.  "I mean," he continued, "what are your relations like?"  "I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."  He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"  "No," she replied, "we have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."  "Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"  "Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your question is yes."  "Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"  "Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."  Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"  "Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me."

Interview

A business man was interviewing applicants for the position of divisional manager. He devised a simple test to select the most suitable person for the job. He asked each applicant the question, "What is two and two?"  The first interviewee was a journalist. His answer was "Twenty-two."   The second applicant was an engineer. He pulled out a slide rule and showed the answer to be between 3.999 and 4.001.  The next person was a lawyer. He stated that in the case of Jenkins v Commissioner of Stamp Duties, two and two was proven to be four.  The last applicant was an accountant. The business man asked him, "How much is two and two?"   The accountant got up from his chair, went over to the door and closed it then came back and sat down. He leaned across the desk and said in a low voice....  "How much do you want it to be?"   He got the job.

Gardening Rule

When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

YOU MIGHT BE A COLLEGE STUDENT IF...

..you have ever price shopped for Top Ramen.

..you live in a house with three couches, none of which match.

..you consider Mac and Cheese a balanced meal.

..you have ever seen two consecutive sunrises without sleeping.

..you can pack your worldly possessions into the back of a pick-up (one trip).

..you live in an area that is smaller than most mobile homes.

..you average less than 3 hours of sleep a night.

..your trash is overflowing and your bank account isn't.

..you go to Target/Walmart more than 3 times a week.

..you eat at the cafeteria because it's "free, even though it’s lousy."

..you wake up 10 minutes before class.

..you wear the same jeans 13 days in a row -- without washing them.

..your social life consists of a date with the library.

..your idea of "doing your hair" is putting on a baseball cap.

..it takes a shovel to find the floor of your room.

..you carry less than a dollar on you at all times because that's all you have.

..your midnight snack is microwave popcorn.

..you celebrate when you find a quarter.

..your backpack is giving you Scoliosis.

..you get more sleep in class than in your room.

..your idea of feeding the poor is buying yourself some Ramen Noodles.

..you can sleep through your roommate's blaring stereo.

Today’s Thought

Vacation: A time when parents realize that teachers aren't paid enough.

Friday's Funnies

My Grades

A high-school student came home one night rather depressed.  "What's the matter, son?" asked his mother.  "Aw, gee," said the boy. "It's my grades. They're all wet."  "What do you mean 'all wet'?"  "You know," he replied, "below C-level."

You Know You’ve Been Out Of College Too Long When…

~ Your potted plants stay alive.

~ 6:00 a.m. is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.

~ You hear your favorite song on the elevator at work.

~ You carry an umbrella.

~ You watch the Weather Channel.

~ Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."

~ You're the one calling the police because those kids next door don't know how to turn down the stereo.

~ You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

~ Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.

~ Sleeping on the couch is a no-no.

~ You no longer take naps from noon to 6:00 p.m.

~ You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.

~ Grocery lists have more on them than macaroni & cheese, Diet Pepsi, and Ho-Ho's.

~ Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

Experience Teaches

A waiter brings the customer the steak he ordered, but the waiter's thumb is resting on the meat. "Are you crazy?" yells the customer. "You bring my food with your hand on my steak?" "What?" answers the waiter. "You want it to fall on the floor again?"

Prescription Bottle

A pharmacist is going over the directions on a prescription bottle with an elderly patient. "Be sure not to take this more often than once every four hours," the pharmacist says. "Don't worry," replies the patient. "It takes me four hours to get the lid off."

Help Wanted Ad

Found in an actual church bulletin:

·         POSITIONS OPEN  in soprano, alto, tenor and bass. No others need apply.

·         PHYSICAL QUALIFICATIONS: Must be able to carry light musical notes part way across the sanctuary. Must have sufficient vision to see the director.

·         EXPERIENCE: No applications will be accepted from persons who have not sung, hummed, or whistled in the bathtub or shower at some time.

·         BEGINNING WAGE: Increased satisfaction and joy in the service of God.

·         FRINGE BENEFITS: Social Security. We promise you the security of social fellowship with other choir members.

·         HOURS: Thursday evenings from 7 to 8 PM & Sunday mornings. There is occasional opportunity for overtime.

·         RETIREMENT: Generally determined by the printed notes getting too small, the hymnal too heavy, notes too high, the sanctuary too hot or too cold, or the organist unable to play the notes you sing.

Mom's Survival Tips

To my kids who have left home and are on their own, I pass on a list of life lessons:

1. Don't sweat your every mistake or faux pas. They make up for the things you got away with that nobody knows about.

2. Avoid marrying anyone who deliberately flushes the toilet when you're taking a shower.

3. When someone tells you that what he's about to say is "for your own good," expect the worst.

4. If you are lavishly praised, enjoy the taste but don't swallow it whole.

5. When a politician says, "Let me make something perfectly clear," remember that he usually won't.

6. Your children may leave home, but their stuff will be in your attic and basement forever.

7. If someone says, "I know what I mean, but I just can't put it into words," he doesn't know what he means.

8. Two people cannot operate a TV remote control in the same room at the same time.

Point of Service

At the clothing store where I work, I make it a point of pride to give customers my unvarnished opinion. One day, when a man emerged from the fitting room, I took one look at him and shook my head. "No, no," I said. "Those jeans look terrible on you. I'll go get you another pair."  As I walked away, I heard him mumble, "I was trying on the shirt."

When One Shows Up

A preacher prepared for Sunday morning service, but only one person, a farmer, was there. He asked the farmer, "What do you think we should do?"  The farmer replied with a drawl, "Well, if only one cow came into the barn, I'd feed it."  So the preacher mounted the pulpit and began to preach ... and preach ... and preach. After about two hours, he concluded.  Then he stepped down and said to the farmer, "So, what did you think?"  The farmer replied, "Well, if only one cow came into the barn, I certainly wouldn't try to feed it all the hay."

Today’s Thought

Some people have more problems than an arithmetic book.

Friday's Funnies

Happy Father’s Day!

I gave my father $100 and said, “Buy yourself something that will make your life easier.” So he went out and bought a present for my mother.

Father Funnies

~ I figured out why they call our language the "Mother Tongue." Fathers never get a chance to use much of it.

~ Say what you will about healthy eating and all, but I've always found it awfully difficult to explain to my son (who's 6'4" to my 6' in height), why junk food is bad for you.

~ One time my kids wanted to surprise me with a good breakfast in bed on Father's Day. They put a cot in the kitchen.

~ If you think about it, Adam had more trouble than any of the rest of us buying his Father a gift for Father's Day. I mean, what do you get somebody who's Everything?

~ I started early teaching my kids the value of a dollar. From then on, they demanded their allowances in gold.

~ You're the world's greatest dad...although my frame of reference is limited.

~ I love how we don't even need to say out loud that I'm your favorite child.

~ You're the best father I can imagine unless you lost my inheritance in the economic meltdown in which case I can imagine better.

~ Sorry I can only afford the same Father's Day gift I gave you when I was seven.

~ Children are natural mimics - they act like us in spite of all our attempts to teach them good manners.

~ By the time a man realizes that maybe his father was right he usually has a son who thinks he's wrong.

Top 10 things you will never hear a dad say

10. Well, how ’bout that?… I’m lost! Looks like we’ll have to stop and ask for directions.

9. You know Pumpkin, now that you’re 13, you’ll be ready for unchaperoned car dates. Won’t that be fun?

8. I noticed that all your friends have a bad attitude … I like that.

7. Here’s a credit card and the keys to my new car — GO CRAZY.

6. What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating not good enough for you, son?

5. Your Mother and I are going away for the weekend … you might want to consider throwing a party.

4. Well, I don’t know what’s wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey thingies — you know — that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks.

3. No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring — now quit your belly-aching, and let’s go to the mall.

2. Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend.

1. Father’s Day? aahh — don’t worry about that — it’s no big deal.

Mixed Emotions

I have mixed emotions when I receive Father’s Day gifts. I’m glad my children remember me, but I’m disappointed that they actually think I dress that way.

The Worst Part

My two daughters were discussing the less than desirable physical attributes they had inherited from their father.  The older one: "I hate my freckles from Dad."  Her unsympathetic younger sister: "At least you got his freckles. I got his eyebrow." 

Fathers

Soon after the mother left, the baby started to cry. The father did everything he could think of to do but the baby wouldn't stop crying. Finally, the dad got so worried he decided to take the infant to the doctor.  After the doctor listened to the father all that he had done to get the baby to stop crying, the doctor began to examine the baby's ears, chest and then down to the diaper area.  When he undid the diaper, he found that the diaper was indeed full.  "Here's the problem," the doctor said. "He needs a change."  The father was very perplexed, "But the diaper package says it's good for up to 10 pounds!"

Do it again

After tucking their three-year-old child Sammy in for bed one night, his parents heard sobbing coming from his room.   Rushing back in, they found Sammy crying hysterically. He managed to tell them that he had swallowed a penny and he was sure he was going to die. No amount of talking helped.  His father, in an attempt to calm him down, palmed a penny from his pocket and pretended to pull it from Sammy's ear. The little boy was delighted.  In a flash, he snatched it from his father's hand, swallowed it, then cheerfully demanded, "Do it again, Dad!"

Hoarders

A little girl was watching her daddy repair his tractor.  She asked her mother, "What happens to old tractors when they finally stop working?"  Sighing, her mother answered: "Someone sells them to your father, dear."

Gray Hair

When I discovered my first gray hair, I immediately wrote to my parents:  "Dear Dad and Mom, You saw my first steps. You might want to experience this with me too."  I taped the offending hair to the paper and mailed it.

My father's response was in the form of a poem:

It's a trustworthy observation

That nothing can compare

In the process of aging

With finding the first gray hair.

He signed off with this observation:  "That gray hair you sent is not the first one you gave us!"

Today’s thought

Fathers are men who give daughters away to other men who aren't nearly good enough, so that they can have children that are smarter than anybody's. 

Friday's Funnies

Things Actually Said By Commentators in The World Of Soccer

1. Well, it's Liverpool two, Ipswich nil, and if the score stays this way, I've got to fancy Liverpool for the win.

2. He had an eternity to play that ball, but took too long.

3. And so they have not been able to improve on their 100% record.

4. With the last kick of the game, he scored with a header.

5. Well, it's a fabulous kaleidoscope of color: almost all the Brazilians are wearing yellow shirts.

6. If that had gone on, it would definitely have been a goal.

7. Their manager, Howard Wilkinson, isn't here today, which strongly suggests that he may be elsewhere.

8. I am a firm believer that if one team scores a goal, the other need to score two to win.

9. If a team scores early on, it often takes an early lead.

10. You cannot possibly have counted the number of passes made, but there were eight.

Growing old

Three elderly men are walking through the park.  The first says, "It sure is windy."  The second responds, "No it isn't, it's Thursday."  The third says, "I am too. Let's get something to drink."

Teachers About To Retire

You know you're a teacher about to retire when...

1. Fellow staff members greet you in the hall with, "Oh, stop smiling!"

2. You get up to the checkout counter at Barnes & Noble and you realize you're buying books you won't need next year.

3. Your file cabinets are getting lighter, and your circular file is getting heavier.

4. You find yourself saying, "Yes!" whenever an administrator or union officer asks you to be on a committee next year.

5. The custodian has complained to the principal that the trash he removes daily from your room is 10 to 20 times greater than any other room in the building - including the cafeteria.

6. The teachers in the grade below you complain about how horrible their kids are and you just smile.

7. The principal comes in for the final observation of the year and you throw a party for your class with lots of snacks, games and a visit from Frankie the clown.

8. You constantly find other teachers in your room measuring bookcases.

9. When the parent, who has complained about every teacher her kid has ever had, comes up to you and says, "My son is hoping to get you next year," you just smile!

10. You reflect on all the wonderful moments you had influencing the lives of young people and helping them learn... and praying they'll have caring teachers like you next year. Smile! Those unruly, wonderful young people will be voting soon!

The Definition

Calories (noun): Tiny creatures that live inside your closet and sew your clothes a little bit tighter every night.

Crazy Thoughts

~ How do you throw away a garbage can?

~ Why in baseball is it called the World Series if it is only played in the U.S.A.?

~ Why are buttons on guys' shirts on a different side than girls' shirts?

~ Why are things typed up but written down?

~ Why does caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?

~ If you were on a plane going the speed of sound and walked from the back of the plane to the front, would you be walking faster than the speed of sound?

~ What does OK actually mean?

~ Why do we feel blue? And what color does a Smurf feel when he is down?

~ Why do donuts have holes?

~ Why do the numbers on a phone go one way and the numbers on a calculator go the other?

~ Why don't you hear thunder with heat lightning?

~ If you're born at exactly midnight, is your birthday on both those days?

~ If you're caught "between a rock and a hard place," is the rock not hard?

~ If one man says, "It was an uphill battle," and another says, "It went downhill from there," how could they both be having troubles?

~ Why is it you can walk down a road, even if it goes uphill?

~ Why do we say "bye bye" but not "hi hi"?

~ Why is the abbreviation for pound "lb." when the letters L or B aren't even in the word pound?

Today’s Thought

Ever notice how the people who tell you to calm down are the ones who got you mad in the first place?