Friday's Funnies

Tidy Room

Unexpected guests were on the way, and my mother, an impeccable housekeeper, rushed around straightening up. She put my father and brother to work cleaning the guest bathroom. Later, when she went to inspect it, she was surprised that the once-cluttered room had been tidied up so quickly. Then she saw the note on the closed shower curtains. It read, "Thank you for not looking in the bathtub."

The Park Lady

A little girl asked her mother for a dollar to give to an old lady in the park. Her mother was touched by the child's kindness, and gave her the dollar. "There you are, my dear," said the mother. "But, tell me, isn't the lady able to work anymore?" "Oh yes," came the reply. "She sells candy."

For Women Only

• Reason to smile: Every 7 minutes of every day, someone in an aerobic class pulls a hamstring.
• Women over 50 don't have babies, because they would put them down and forget where they left them.
• One of life's mysteries is how a 2 lb. box of candy can make a woman gain 5 lbs.
• The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.
• Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes!
• I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.
• I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff.
• If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?

Proofreading is a dying art, wouldn't you say?

Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
They put in a correction the next day.

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Really? Ya think?

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!

Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing' lazy guys!

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!

War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya think?!

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!

Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge!

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren't they fat enough?!

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans!

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Did I read that right?

The Job Interview

Interviewer: "If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead, who would it be?"
Applicant: "The living one."

Grandpa's Promise

Grandpa was celebrating his 100th birthday and everybody complimented him on how athletic and well-preserved he appeared. "Gentlemen, I will tell you the secret of my success," he cackled. "I have been in the open air day after day for some 75 years now." The celebrants were impressed and asked how he managed to keep up his rigorous fitness regime. "Well, you see my wife and I were married 75 years ago. On our wedding night, we made a solemn pledge. Whenever we had a fight, the one who was judged to be wrong would go outside and take a walk."