Friday's Funnies

Passing Ponderations

- Why do slim chance and fat chance mean the same thing?

- Sometimes I feel as lonely as the 3rd verse in a Baptist Hymnal.

Retirement Questions & Answers

When is a retiree's bedtime?  Three hours after he falls asleep in his chair.

What's the biggest gripe of retirees?  There is not enough time to get everything done.

Why don't retirees mind being called seniors?  The term comes with a 10 percent discount.

Among retirees, what is considered formal attire?  Tied shoes.

Why do retirees count pennies?  They're the only ones who have the time.

What do retirees call a long lunch?  Normal.

What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?  If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.

Kiss Goodbye

"Dad," a teenaged girl says, running into her father's den, "I'd like to kiss you good-bye before I go to school!"  "You're too late, honey. Your mother just did that two minutes ago, and I don't have any cash left on me."

The Hokey Pokey, Shakespearean Style

O proud left foot, that ventures quick within, Then soon upon a backward journey lithe.

Anon, once more the gesture, then begin:

Command sinistral pedestal to writhe.

Commence thou then the fervid Hokey-Poke.

A mad gyration, hips in wanton swirl.

To spin! A wilde release from heaven's yoke.

Blessed dervish! Surely canst go, girl.

The Hoke, the poke -- banish now thy doubt Verily, I say, 'tis what it's all about.

Submarines

The new ensign was assigned to submarines, where he'd dreamed of working since a young boy. He was trying to impress the master chief with his expertise learned in sub school. The master chief cut him off quickly and said, "Listen, SIR, it's real simple. Add the number of times we dive to the number of times we surface. Divide that number by two. If the result doesn't come out even, don't open the hatch."

Geography Genius

The teacher asked her students which state they thought has the most cows. A little girl raised her hand and said Texas.  The teacher said, "That is right, you get an 'A'. Now which state do you think has the most sheep?"  A little boy raised his hand and said Montana. The teacher said, "That's right, you get an 'A'. Who can tell me which state has the most turkeys?"  Little Johnny raised his hand and said, that's easy, "Washington D.C."   The teacher gave him an A+.

  

Pasta Diet

There's a very effective new pasta diet: You just walk pasta bakery without stopping, walk pasta candy store without stopping, walk pasta ice cream shop without stopping...

Wrong Number

Irritated Boss: "Can't you hear that the phone is ringing?  You must answer the telephone!"

New Secretary: "All right, but it seems so silly.  Nine times out of ten, it's for you."

Quotes of the Day

America believes in education: the average professor earns more money in a year than a professional athlete earns in a whole week. - Evan Esar

I like work: it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours. - Jerome K. Jerome, "Three Men in a Boat," 1889

As for me, except for an occasional heart attack, I feel as young as I ever did. - Robert Benchley

The only normal people are the ones you don't know very well. - Joe Ancis

Things You Never Want to Hear the Exterminator Say

- You know, when you build your next house you might want to consider using steel instead of wood
- It's a shame you didn't get that extended protection rider on your pest protection policy.
- I'm sorry, but our worker's compensation policy specifically excludes "killer termites."
- Do you know anyone who owns a bulldozer?
- You'll need to call the Jurassic Park people. Dinosaurs aren't on the list of pest problems we handle.
- Yeah, I realize I'm from Orkin, but I still need your phone book to call Terminix and All-Pest to come help me with this one.
- I need to go back to the office to get a bigger truck.
- Do you have someplace you could stay for the next three days?
- Do you have a high powered rifle handy?
- You wouldn't happen to have some extra pesticides in storage around the house, would you?
- "Exterminator down! Exterminator down! Send backup!!! Extermin..."
- "The good news is... you have termites."
- "Do you happen to have a large net?"
- "You know, I'm also a taxidermist."
- "Ma'am, I'm afraid you need to let me take the oatmeal raisin cookies with me."
- "This could get expensive."

Today’s Thought

Is it possible to be totally partial?

Friday's Funnies

Tried and Trusted

A wealthy investor walked into a bank and said to the bank manager, "I would like to speak with Mr. Reginald Jones, whom I understand is a tried and trusted employee of yours."  The banker said, "Yes, he certainly was trusted. And he will be tried as soon as we catch him."

Advice for The Asking

A young man is reported to have approached the renowned composer Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart (one of the great musical prodigies of all time), and asked, "Herr Mozart, I have the ambition to write symphonies and perhaps you can advise me how to get started."  Mozart said, "The best advice I can give you is to wait until you are older and more experienced, and try your hand at less ambitious pieces to begin with."  The young man looked astonished. "But, Herr Mozart, you yourself wrote symphonies when you were considerably younger than I."  "Ah," said Mozart, "but I did so without asking advice."

Murphy's Laws for Parents

1. The tennis shoes you must replace today will go on sale next week.
2. Leakproof thermoses - will.
3. The chances of a piece of bread falling with the grape jelly side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.
4. The garbage truck will be two doors past your house when the argument over whose day it is to take out the trash ends.
5. The shirt you child must wear today will be the only one that needs to be washed or mended.
6. Gym clothes left at school in lockers mildew at a faster rate than other clothing.
7. The item your child lost, and must have for school within the next ten seconds, will be found in the last place you look.
8. Sick children recover miraculously when the pediatrician enters the treatment room.
9. Refrigerated items, used daily, will gravitate toward the back of the refrigerator.
10. Your chances of being seen by someone you know dramatically increase if you drive your child to school in your robe and curlers.

Two Mothers

Two mothers met for coffee. "Well Ruthie, how are the kids?"  "To tell you the truth, my son has married a real tramp!" says Ruth. "She doesn't get out of bed until 11. She's out all day spending his money on Heaven knows what, and when he gets home, exhausted, does she have a nice hot dinner for him? Ha! She makes him take her out to dinner at an expensive restaurant."  "Oh! What a shame. And how about your daughter?"  "Ah! Now there's a lucky girl. She has married a saint. He brings her breakfast in bed, he gives her enough money to buy whatever she needs, and in the evening he always takes her out to dinner at a nice restaurant."

Confused

Peter is very busy in Heaven, so he leaves a sign by the pearly gates: "For Service Ring Bell."  Away he goes but barely gets started when BING! The bell rings. He rushes back to the gates, but no one's there. Peter goes back to work when suddenly BING! The bell rings again. He rushes back to the gates, but no one's there. A little annoyed, Peter goes back to work. Suddenly, BING! The bell rings again. Peter goes back; again, no one's there.  "Okay, that's it," Peter says. "I'm going to hide and watch to see what's going on." So Peter hides, and a moment later, a little old man walks up and rings the bell.   Peter jumps out and yells, "Aha! Are you the guy who keeps ringing the bell?"  "Yes, that's me," the little old man says.   "Well, why do you keep ringing the bell and going away?" Peter asks.   "I can't help it — they keep resuscitating me!” he replies. 

For Better or Worse

My husband and I married for better or worse... He couldn't do better and I couldn't do worse.

Don't Mess With Mature Ladies

A mature (over 40) lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

Today’s Thought

We have mileage, yardage and footage. Why don't we have inchage?