Friday's Funnies

Doctor

Father: What you want to be in your life?

Son: A Doctor.

Father: What skills do you have of a doctor?

Son: Doctor's handwriting.

Patient: "Doctor, doctor!  I keep seeing spots before my eyes!"

Doctor: "Have you seen an ophthalmologist?"

Patient: "No, just spots."

Quickies

- What did one hip bone say to the other hip bone? Let's get out of this joint.

- I've finally lost my mind. If found, do not return it. It wasn't working anyway.

- What's worse than hearing the alarm clock? Not hearing it.

- I've found that if you tuck one part of your pants legs into your sock, people expect less of you.

Day Off

John goes to see his supervisor in the front office. "Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."  "We're short-handed, John," the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off." "Thanks, boss," says John, "I knew I could count on you!"

Signs Found in Kitchens

- A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen and this kitchen is delirious.

- A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

- Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

- A clean kitchen is a sign of a misspent life.

- Help keep the kitchen clean — eat out.

- Countless number of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives.

- My next house will have no kitchen — just vending machines.

Speech

A good speech needs a good beginning and a good ending, and they should be as close together as possible.

Murphy’s Technology Laws

Murphy's Technology Law #1: You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the track.

Murphy's Technology Law #2: Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.

Murphy's Technology Law #3: Technology is dominated by those who manage what they do not understand.

Murphy's Technology Law #4: If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.

Murphy's Technology Law #5: An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less until he/she knows absolutely everything about nothing.

Murphy's Technology Law #6: Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe, and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it, and he'll have to touch to be sure.

Murphy's Technology Law #7: All great discoveries are made by mistake.

Murphy's Technology Law #8: Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.

Murphy's Technology Law #9: All's well that ends... period.

Murphy's Technology Law #10: A meeting is an event at which minutes are kept and hours are lost.

Murphy's Technology Law #11: The first myth of management is that it exists.

Murphy's Technology Law #12: A failure will not appear until a unit has passed final inspection.

Murphy's Technology Law #13: New systems generate new problems.

Murphy's Technology Law #14: To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer.

Murphy's Technology Law #15: We don't know one-millionth of one percent about anything.

Murphy's Technology Law #16: Any given program, when running, is obsolete.

Murphy's Technology Law #17: A computer makes as many mistakes in two seconds as 20 men working 20 years make.

Long Sermon

There was this lady who was visiting a church one Sunday. The sermon seemed to go on forever, and many in the congregation fell asleep. After the service, she walked up to a very sleepy-looking gentleman, extended her hand in greeting, and said, "Hello, I'm Gladys Dunn." And the gentleman replied, "You're not the only one, ma'am, I'm glad it's done too!!"

Today’s Thoughts

- A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place.  Isn't that handy?

- Money can't buy happiness, but it can buy chocolate, which is kind of the same thing.

Friday's Funnies

Workout

I did the Kid’s Workout yesterday.  Now I’m sore in my Head and Shoulders, Knees and Toes, Knees and Toes.

I'm A Senior Citizen...

I'm the life of the party...even when it lasts until 8 p.m.

I'm very good at opening childproof caps with a hammer.

I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I am going.

I'm the first one to find the bathroom wherever I go.

I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a word you're saying.

I'm very good at telling stories...over and over and over and over.

I'm aware that other people's grandchildren are not as bright as mine.

I'm not grouchy, I just don't like traffic, waiting, crowds, children, politicians...

I'm wrinkled, saggy, lumpy, and that's just my left leg.

I'm having trouble remembering simple words like...uhhhh...ummmm

I'm sure they are making adults much younger these days.

I'm wondering, if you're only as old as you feel, how could I be alive at 150?

I'm supporting all movements now...by eating bran, prunes, and raisins.

Gifts

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.  The first said, "I built a big house for our mother."  The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."  The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can’t see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He’s one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."   Soon thereafter, mom sent out her letters of thanks: "Milton," she wrote one son, "The house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."  "Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"  "Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "You have the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious."

Thank You!

A teenager who had just received her learner's permit offered to drive her parents to church. After a hair-raising ride, they finally reached their destination.  The mother got out of the car and said, "Thank you!"  "Any time," her daughter replied.  As the woman slammed the door, she said, "I wasn't talking to you. I was talking to God."

Lesser-Known Knights of the Round Table

1. The knight who was afraid to fight: Sir Render
2. The unbelievable knight: Sir Real
3. The knights who were so fat they sat around a table by themselves: Sir Round and Sir Cumference
4. The undercover knight: Sir Veillance
5. The knight who came to an untimely end: Sir Cease
6. The knight who never got killed in battle: Sir Vivor
7. The knight who always guessed right: Sir Miser
8. The knight who exceeded expectations: Sir Past
9. The knight who showed up unexpectedly: Sir Prise
10. The knight who overcame obstacles: Sir Mount
11. The knight who funded the castle's operations: Sir Tax
12. The knight who kept the kingdom's maps up to date: Sir Veyor
13. The knight who drank too much: Sir Rhosis
14. The knight always called on as the first substitute: Sir Rogate
15. The most outstanding of all the knights: Sir Perb
16. The hardest knight of them all: Sir Amic
17. The knight who was most at home in a 3-ring castle: Sir Cus
18. The saddest knight of them all: Sir Rowful
19. The extra knights: Sir Perfluous and Sir Pernumerary
20. The dancing knight: Sir Prance Alot

Gift for a Wife

Bill meets Doug shopping at the mall and sees he has a small gift-wrapped box.  "It's my wife's birthday tomorrow." Doug said. "Last week I asked her what she wanted for her birthday."  "And???" Bill asked.  "Well, she said 'Oh, I don't know just give me something with diamonds in it'."  "So what did you get her?" asked Bill. "I bought her a deck of cards!!"

Dress Code For Seniors

Despite what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together:

~ A nose ring and bifocals.
~ Spiked hair and bald spots.
~ A pierced tongue and dentures.
~ Miniskirts and support hose.
~ Ankle bracelets and corn pads.
~ Speedo's and cellulite.
~ A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar.
~ Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor.
~ Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge.
~ Bikinis and liver spots.
~ Short shorts and varicose veins.
~ Inline skates and a walker.

But, otherwise, WE'RE LOOKIN' GOOD!

Today’s Thought

I tried to sue the airline for losing my luggage. I lost my case.

Friday's Funnies

It’s About Time

A tornado hit a Kansas farmhouse just before dawn one morning. It tore off the roof, and picked up the bed on which the farmer and his wife were sleeping. By some miracle, the cyclone set them down unharmed in the next county over.  The wife was sobbing uncontrollably. "Don't be scared, Mary," her husband said. "We're not hurt."  Mary continued to cry. "I'm not scared," she said between sobs. "I'm happy...this is the first time in 14 years we've been out together."

WWJD

In a shop that sold religious items was a display of baseball caps with "WWJD" printed on them.

Customer: "WWJD?  What does that mean?"

Clerk: "WWJD stands for 'What Would Jesus Do' "

Customer: "Well, I'm pretty sure Jesus wouldn't pay $23.95 for one of these baseball caps."

Definition

Vegetarian: Native American word meaning "lousy hunter."

You're From A Small Town If...

- You can name everyone you graduated with.  

- You know what each H in 4-H stands for.

- You give directions by references: "Turn by Nelson's house, go two blocks past Anderson's, and it's four houses left of the track field."

- You can't help but date a friend's ex-girlfriend.

- The town next to you is considered "trashy" or "snooty," but is actually just like your town.

- Anyone you want can be found at either the Dairy Queen or the feed store.

- You see at least one friend a week driving a tractor through town.

- The city council meets at the coffee shop.

- You decide to walk somewhere for exercise and 5 people pull over and ask if you need a ride.

- Your teacher calls you by your older sibling's name.

How Do Court Recorders Keep Straight Faces?

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan!

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?

WITNESS: July 18th.

ATTORNEY: What year?

WITNESS: Every year.

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?

WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.

ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?

WITNESS: Forty-five years.

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death.

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS: Take a guess.

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No..

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Today’s Thought

Went to the doctor yesterday and he asked me if obesity runs in my family? I told him no one runs in my family.

Friday's Funnies

Christian Football

Quarterback Sneak - Church members quietly leaving during the invitation.

Draw Play - What many children do with the bulletin during worship.

Half-time - The period between Sunday School and worship when many choose to leave.

Benchwarmer - Those who do not sing, pray, work, or apparently do anything but sit.

Backfield-in-Motion - Making a trip to the back (restroom or water fountain) during the service.

Staying in the Pocket - What happens to a lot of money that should be given to the Lord's work.

Two-minute Warning - The point at which you realize the sermon is almost over and begin to gather up your children and belongings.

Instant Replay - The preacher loses his notes and falls back on last week's illustrations.

Sudden Death - What happens to the attention span of the congregation if the preacher goes "overtime."

Trap - You're called on to pray and are asleep.

End Run - Getting out of church quick, without speaking to any guest or fellow member.

Flex Defense - The ability to allow absolutely nothing said during the sermon to affect your life.

Halfback Option - The decision of 50% of the congregation not to return for the evening service.

Blitz - The rush for the restaurants following the closing prayer.

A Raise 

I told my boss that three companies were after me and I need a raise.  My boss asked, "What companies?"  Gas, water and electricity.

How To Stop Church Gossip

Mildred, the small town gossip and self-appointed monitor of church morals, was always one to stick her nose into other people's business.

Most members of the congregation did not approve of her intrusions, but she was feared, so all maintained their silence.

She took that fatal step too far one day, when she accused Frank, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the small town's only bar all afternoon.

She emphatically told Frank (in front of several others) that EVERYONE SEEING THAT PICKUP THERE WOULD KNOW WHAT HE WAS DOING!

Frank, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment then just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing.

Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house, walked home ....and left it there all night.

Do Not Wash Your Hair In The Shower!

It's so good to finally get a health warning that is useful. It involves the shampoo when it runs down your body while you shower with it. Shampoo Warning! I don't know WHY I didn't figure this out sooner!

I use shampoo in the shower! When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body, and printed very clearly on the shampoo label is this claim:

"FOR EXTRA BODY AND VOLUME."

No wonder I have been gaining weight! Well! I have gotten rid of that shampoo and I am going to start showering with Dawn dish soap instead. Its label reads:

"DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE."

Problem solved!

If I don't answer the phone I'll be in the shower.

The Gift

The rich aunt was hurt by her nephew's response to her gift. "I'm sorry you don't like your gift. I asked you if you preferred a large check or a small check." "I know, Auntie," the nephew said contritely, "but I didn't know you were talking about neckties."

The Kiddos

A priest was getting ready for a trip to Rome, and a man came to him with a request: "When you get to Rome, could you light a candle for me and my wife? We really want children and the doctor just told us we might not be able to have any." The priest agreed to the request. Ten years later, he ran into the man again in a super market. With him were about twelve kids. "Oh, this is wonderful!" said the priest. "But tell me, where's your wife?" "Oh, she's gone to Rome to blow out the candle."

Today’s Thought

There would be less childhood inactivity if children had to chop wood to keep their smart phones going.