Savings
Started to go to the gym this morning and couldn't find
my membership card. A new one is $15. A donut and coffee is $5. Guess who
saved $10?!
Sleepless
Accountant
An accountant got out of bed one morning and complained
that he had not slept a wink. "Why didn't you count sheep?" his wife
asked. "I did, and that's what got
me into trouble," the accountant replied. "I made a mistake the first
hour, and it took until morning to correct it."
My Own Boss
I was in a taxi today and the driver said, "I love
my job. I'm my own boss. Nobody tells me what to do." Then I said:
"Turn left here."
SO PUNNY
Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter: Eskimo
Pi
2000 pounds of Chinese soup: Won ton
Weight an evangelist carries with God: 1 billigram
Half of a large intestine: 1 semicolon
1000 aches: 1 kilohurtz
Basic unit of laryngitis: 1 hoarsepower
1 million microphones: 1 megaphone
2000 mockingbirds: two kilomockingbirds
52 cards: 1 decacards
3.45 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale
University Hospital: 1 I.V. League
Vacation Time
A new resort hotel opened up on the coast. I decided to
use some of my vacation time and take the family there for a change and a rest. The bellboy got the change and the hotel got
the rest…
Fundamental Rules To Singing The Blues
1. Most Blues begin with: "Woke up this morning..."
2. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then
find something that rhymes - sort of: "Got a good woman with the meanest
face in town. Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Got teeth
like Margaret Thatcher and she weigh 500 pounds."
3. The Blues is not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch...ain't
no way out.
4. Breaking your leg 'cause you were skiing is not the Blues. Breaking your leg
'cause a gator be chomping on it is.
5. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death.
Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. Same with substance
abuse, and dying lonely on a broken-down cot. You can't have a Blues death if
you die during a tennis match or while getting liposuction.
Funny
A friend hosted a dinner party for people from work and
everyone was encouraged to bring their children. All during the sit-down dinner, one co-worker's three-year-old girl stared at the man sitting across from her.
The girl could hardly eat her food from staring. The man checked his shirt, felt his face for
food, patted his hair in place, but nothing stopped her from staring at him. He
tried his best to just ignore her but finally, it was too much for him. He asked
her, "Excuse me little girl, but why do you keep staring at me?" Everyone at the table had noticed her
behavior, and the table went quiet for her response. The little girl said,
"I just want to see how you drink like a fish."
The Prodigal Son
We were sitting in church a few weeks ago while the
minister delivered a sermon based on the timeless story of the prodigal son.
When he got to the point where the father sees his son returning and races out
to meet him, the minister said, "Throwing wide his arms, the father
said..." At which point my younger
son leaned over to me and whispered, "YOU'RE GROUNDED!"
Punishment
Two rabbinical students were caught by the Rabbi gambling
and drinking in the company of undesirable characters -- even before the sunset on the evening of the Sabbath. The Rabbi called them into his study the
next day. Both confessed to having given in to weakness and admitted that they
deserved punishment. The Rabbi thought
and then went into his kitchen and brought back two bags of dried peas.
"Put these in your shoes," he told them, "and walk on them for a
week, to remind yourself how hard life can be when you turn away from the
Law." A few days later the two
students met. One was limping terribly, had dark circles under his eyes, and
looked very tired. The other seemed much as he had been the week before. "Hey," said the first. "How is
it that you are walking so freely. Didn't you do as the Rabbi told us and put
the peas in your shoes?" "Of
course I did," said the other. "How could I disobey the Rabbi?"
He started to walk away, paused, and then said, "But I boiled them
first."
Ticketed
I was driving home from work when I was pulled over for
not wearing a seat belt. Three days later, I got the same ticket, at the same
stop, from the same cop. "So, have
you learned anything?" asked the cop.
"Yes, I have," I began. "I've learned it's time to find a
new way home from work."
Dad Joke
I lost 3 fingers on my right hand, so I asked my doctor
if I would still be able to write with it.
He said "maybe but I wouldn't count on it".
Today's Thought
I accidentally sat on my phone and Siri suggested several
local gyms.
